Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find the term 'weekend dad' incredibly offensive, ignorant and derogatory?

65 replies

1wokeuplikethis · 27/05/2015 11:38

Labelling of this type and chucking fathers who see their children at the weekends into the 'deadbeat dad'/'weekend dad' category really riles me. It seems like people tend to assume the father is always the one who up and left.

What if it he sees his children only at weekends because his wife gave up on the marriage, or cheated. What if he did everything to keep the marriage going but she just didn't love him enough? What if he misses his children desperately and it breaks his heart not to see them every day any more? What if he worries about them more than ever and has offered to have them full time because their mother can't seem to cope but had the offer thrown back in his face?

Why are men so easily chastised when parents separation occurs? What would happen if it was turned around and the mothers were called '5 day mums/midweek mums' - it's hurtful right? Because even when your children aren't with you, you are still a mother. Every day. So why aren't men given the same respect?

I don't think all separated fathers are tarred this way but I think it's still a pretty rife stereotype. It gets my goat.

OP posts:
VodkaJelly · 27/05/2015 11:41

Wouldnt bother me in the slightest if i was called a midweek mum, it has catchy ring to it actually.

SodiumReindeer · 27/05/2015 11:42

Some fathers are weekend fathers only. They don't phone their children during the week, they take no interest in where their children live, what hobbies their children do, in asking how their children are if they are ill or where they go to school. They barely deserve the title of father so if the cap fits, wear it!

My 3 DNs have no contact with their so called father from one visit to the next and if they phone him then he doesn't answer the phone.

Jengnr · 27/05/2015 11:43

He could, of course, have become the main carer and the resident parent in any of those circumstances you mention.

Doesn't happen much though, does it?

midnightvelvet01 · 27/05/2015 11:43

I don't read this much into it, if someone is described as a weekend dad to me then I tend to think that the parents are separated & the mother is primary carer. That's it, its just an explanation of their family position, its not negative & it doesn't relate to how the parental relationship ended.

To me there are other terms used to describe dads that have an underlying meaning such as Disney dads or even deadbeat dad as you use in your OP although I've never heard that one in RL.

SaucyJack · 27/05/2015 11:43

YABU.

Weekend/Disney dad (or mum!) refers to a particular style of NR parenting in which the NRP makes no effort to involve themselves in the daily upbringing of the child, but only concerns themself with being the "fun" parent for Saturday afternoons. The why and wherefores make absolutely no difference to the depth of the parent/child relationship.

If the cap fits.......

MakeItRain · 27/05/2015 11:45

Maybe I'm reading the 'wrong' things but I've never actually heard that expression! I've heard "Disney Dad", but I always assumed that was a particular/ minority sort of separated father who threw money at the children during brief visits to buy their affection.

I imagine on a forum like this, you may hear more about the problems than the arrangements that just trundle on without too much of a problem. But surely most people just assume that there are all sorts of separated parents in all sorts of circumstances.

PtolemysNeedle · 27/05/2015 11:50

You have a good point, the term 'weekend dad' implies that that parent has less responsibility for their children, which is wrong.

I dislike the term Disney dad as well, because it says that there's something wrong with a parent wanting to have fun with their children in the very limited amount of time that they spend with them.

Mrsstarlord · 27/05/2015 11:57

No point trying to have that debate on here, being Mumsnet there is a particular view of men, dads, dads without residency which is widely accepted as gospel. Doesn't really matter what the situation is, there will be 20 women jumping back with stories about their own ex partners / someone they know who is a shit dad - ergo all men are shit dads unless they are still married to mum and perfect.
FWIW I agree with you.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/05/2015 11:57

Disney/weekend dad is an insult that does not relate to the amount of time spent with the child it's the style of parenting that's being insulted.

And it's a shitty way of parenting that tends to result in shitty transient relationships with the kids because they miss out on the benefit of actually being parented by both parents.

YABU

NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/05/2015 12:00

Oh and both parents can do it and they don't have to be absent parents either but if not NRP's the Disney one tends to be used more just rather hesitantly and usually in the relationships topics as a "how can I get him/her to pull their weight"

Artandco · 27/05/2015 12:03

Weekend dad can be very different from someone who only actually has them at the weekend

One type - sees children just at weekends. No contact in between or support

Second type - sees children just at weekends mainly. But takes interest in school stuff/ parents meetings/ phones or emails regularly/ helps with homework via email/ buys children 50% of what they need ie school stuff/ clothing/ equipment, not just fancy toys. Gives good child support money wise, has children longer over holidays if possible.

SaucyJack · 27/05/2015 12:15

Excellent point sock

You can be a Disney parent and still live in the same house as your DC if you're not concerning yourself with bedtimes/homework/vegetables/discipline/yadda yadda, and leaving the boring bits of parenting up to your spouse.

It's a very selfish style of parenting that only serves the person doing it in the long run.
It's just more obvious in a parent who only sees the children at weekends.

fortunately · 27/05/2015 12:21

A weekend dad is EXACTLY what my ex is.

Sees DS on his day off, and on his day off only. Will not, ever, juggle work in any way to help out with DS if it's needed. Won't see DS before or after work as he's "busy".

Has no contact outside "his" day. Will not take to clubs, or the doctors.

Has no interest in choosing schools etc for DS beyond simply causing problems after the event, ie "you should have told me, I wanted to know" TWO YEARS after I put his name down for nursery. He was informed at the time and could have looked at the nurseries then, but it's far easier to complain months and years later.

He gets his parents to do the running around if he's "tired" or "busy", never takes him any further than the park and never spends any money on him.

He's a weekend dad.

KoalaDownUnder · 27/05/2015 12:25

What Artandco said.

Micah · 27/05/2015 12:33

I agree o/p.

Dh is just as you describe. He wanted residency but his lawyer told him it was very unlikely- they were 50/50 carers and default is always to the mother unless exceptional circumstances. As his ex kept envy thing in the divorce he has no money for a flat deposit, let alone more legal fees.

The kids stay at the mums m-f, but she actually does very little with them. They get themselves to school etc. it's Dh that does the hobbies, drives them everywhere, arranges things for them.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 27/05/2015 12:43

YABU, just because you have a chip on your shoulder doesn't mean you're right.
If a dad only sees his children on a saturday, for example, he is a weekend dad. Saying this doesn't necessitate a value judgement in itself, its just a fact.

There are of course plenty of men who would like more time with their children, more responsibility etc. But there are also plenty of men who don't, who want a fun afternoon playing with the children and none of the hard work. In acknowledging the former, lets not also ignore the latter.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/05/2015 12:43

forunately has highlighted perfectly, what a weekend dad is. That is the reality, some men just are not interested in the upbringing of tgeur child, except their little bit of contact time at the weekend.

ChuffinAda · 27/05/2015 12:45

Yanbu

But only because my ex doesn't even see the dc on a weekend basis he's more of a 'when I can be bothered' kind of dad

Squeegle · 27/05/2015 12:48

I've never really heard that term tbh- where have you heard it?

Moreisnnogedag · 27/05/2015 12:55

I would take 'weekend dad' to be one as described above: won't bother with the children unless it's his day. I also thought Disney dad isn't about having fun, but the dad always caving to ever more outrageous requests from children so that they can be seen as the fun parent and never disciplining

avocadogreen · 27/05/2015 12:57

My exH is a weekend dad. In fact, an every-other-weekend dad. He doesn't see them inbetween, rarely calls them, doesn't do parents evening etc. I offered him shared custody, he chose to move 200 miles away with his new girlfriend instead.

I know plenty of men who do have shared custody, who see their kids after school in the week, who basically make the effort to actually keep up a real parenting relationship with their DC following a separation, so it is entirely possible and reasonable, whatever your DH (I presume) tells you. He has rights, he can go to a solicitor. All too easy to blame the ex wife, as usual.

toomuchtooold · 27/05/2015 12:57

5 day mum doesn't sound the same because solo parenting for 5 weekdays including dealing with all the school/nursery responsibilities is much more work than 2 weekend days. And perhaps there are tons and tons of divorced guys who'd just love to do that role but I'm sceptical, particularly of someone who comes on Mumsnet to talk about divorce with small children and the point they want to make is about how it makes one of the parents feel. It makes you sound a bit entitled and very self-focused. Perhaps I have you wrong and this is just the last straw or something.

NRomanoff · 27/05/2015 13:01

A weekend dad to me is not a father who only has his kids at weekends. He is a father who doesn't contact or see his kids or doing anything else for them apart from the 2 day a week her has them. Which is not the men you describe in the OP.

In know a few of men who are NRP and have their child most weekends. They also do school runs, take them to after school clubs, pick them up from school if they are sick etc.

Basically what a father should do, except they don't live with them. If you only get your kids over night on weekends, that's not the only time you are a parent.

Libby10 · 27/05/2015 13:07

I don't like the term either. I also don't like the use of 'single mothers' when childcare is shared equally after partners split up.

avocadogreen · 27/05/2015 13:10

And he's surprised his offer of 'having them full time' was thrown back in his face? What a strange woman not to want to give up her children Hmm If he feels she's 'not coping' how about offering to have them one night mid week, or to pick them up from school once a week and take them for dinner then drop them back? Or take them to brownies/football/ whatever activities they do. I imagine that would be more helpful than "you look like you're not coping, I want to have them full time". Separated parents need to work together to find realistic solutions.

Swipe left for the next trending thread