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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find the term 'weekend dad' incredibly offensive, ignorant and derogatory?

65 replies

1wokeuplikethis · 27/05/2015 11:38

Labelling of this type and chucking fathers who see their children at the weekends into the 'deadbeat dad'/'weekend dad' category really riles me. It seems like people tend to assume the father is always the one who up and left.

What if it he sees his children only at weekends because his wife gave up on the marriage, or cheated. What if he did everything to keep the marriage going but she just didn't love him enough? What if he misses his children desperately and it breaks his heart not to see them every day any more? What if he worries about them more than ever and has offered to have them full time because their mother can't seem to cope but had the offer thrown back in his face?

Why are men so easily chastised when parents separation occurs? What would happen if it was turned around and the mothers were called '5 day mums/midweek mums' - it's hurtful right? Because even when your children aren't with you, you are still a mother. Every day. So why aren't men given the same respect?

I don't think all separated fathers are tarred this way but I think it's still a pretty rife stereotype. It gets my goat.

OP posts:

loveareadingthanks · 27/05/2015 13:14

I can see where you are coming from OP, but I suppose people like to have a shorthand way of describing situations.

Ex husband was, I suppose, a 'weekend dad' in one sense, as child primarily lived with me and visited him. But I wouldn't describe him that way, he was still 100% a father and totally involved, equally responsible, etc.

primarynoodle · 27/05/2015 13:16

yanbu i completely agree..

fwiw i think your post comes across as being from a guy and therefore will be told yabu because its mumsnet... seen this happen time and time again here

Original poster

1wokeuplikethis · 27/05/2015 14:15

It's interesting to see so many suspicions flying about and an accusation I have a chip on my shoulder because I feel this way. Fwiw, I am not an ex-husband, and my husband and I aren't separating, so it's not about me.

But it's seen far too often these throwaway comments and scorn that because the dad can only see his children weekends and one night in the week he isn't pulling his weight.

Why should the mother, who has them m-f and sends them to nursery/school every day, doesn't play with them, palms them off at every available opportunity (Christmas/birthdays/Mother's Day!!) instantly get the trophy of the 'good parent' simply because she physically has them in the house more days.

My frustration is aimed at people who know nothing about individual circumstances casting such hurtful stereotypes about.

OP posts:

LaLyra · 27/05/2015 14:18

So how would you described the kind of father that is a weekend/Disney Dad?

My twin DD's father is a weekend and Disney Dad. He sees them every other weekend when his work allows. Doesn't make any effort to make up visits if his work falls on "his" weekend (and I get a text saying 'can't have girls X date - no thought to if I have plans or maybe thinking about childcare himself...). Doesn't call them between visits. Sends them a postcard from his holidays if he remembers (his phrasing..).

Doesn't attend, or ask about, parents night, sports day, dance shows or gymnastic competitions. Pays the bare minimum in maintenance and actively hides any bonuses, extra pay and promotions/pay rises. Once allowed one child to walk around with torn, leaking shoes for a whole day because 'he pays maintenance so I buy the shoes'. Took no part in choosing schools or nurseries. Doesn't come to hospital when his daughter was in for 4 days because he was busy and it wasn't "his" days. Expected my DH and his family and my siblings to mind the girls when I was in hospital for a week for an operation, and expected them to get them to the usual meet up point for 'his' days (he was off for the entire week and it was school holidays so so were the children).

When he does have them there are no bedtimes (bedtimes are Mum's way of being boring and controlling), no tv/internet/computer game curfews or bans (Mum is paranoid, everyone does/watches it), a succession of junk food (5 a day is bullshit) and trips to theme parks or zoos or something expensive and fun. He also deliberately chooses places that he knows we're going. So if DD1 said to him over dinner on the Friday night "We're all going to the zoo next weekend", in the way excited young children would, he would take them the next day, even if it meant changing other plans. Just because he could.

What would you call him other than a weekend or Disney Dad?

His new wife put a stop to the expensive days out, because that's what he pays maintenance for, so when they do go (which is rare now because he's in the military and has better ways to spend his leave - his words) it's just the junk food, computer games and inappropriate tv watching.

There are times, unfortunately, when shit tags are appropriate because there are some shit parents who fall into the weekend parent bracket.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/05/2015 14:27

Thing is we have a term for the involved equal responsibility taking parent.

We tend to call them co parents

Aermingers · 27/05/2015 14:32

I agree OP. I think a lot of the posts on here just prove your point. If he does nice things with his kids he's a Disney Dad. If he doesn't he can't be bothered. If he wants them for more time he's taking the children off their mother. If he doesn't he's a weekend Dad. If he wants to be involved in decisions about health or schooling he's overbearing and controlling, if he doesn't he doesn't care. If he calls them at home he's checking up on the mother, if he doesn't he's callous.

On Mumsnet they often seem to be in a lose-lose situation where possession of a penis automatically makes you guilty.

Aermingers · 27/05/2015 14:36

You're complaining about someone in the military not having children when he's working? You want him to go AWOL? And serve time in prison?

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 27/05/2015 14:38

You get that there are different people giving opposing opinions and not some kind of hive mind with two heads opposing each other?

You're objecting to stereotyping of weekend dads but you;re fine with this stereotyping of mothers in such a negative way?

There are an awful lot of crappy dads. People don't have to not mention it because you don't like it.

ScrambledEggAndToast · 27/05/2015 14:41

But it's so often true, if you labelled all the possible alternatives then you would have a ridiculously long label. My son's dad never bothers with him at all, what would his label be?

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 27/05/2015 14:43

Twat?

avocadogreen · 27/05/2015 14:44

If it's not about you, how do you know the mother doesn't play with them? And you're criticising her for sending them to nursery /school?! And you say the father wants more time with them, but if she allows him to have them for birthdays/christmas she is 'palming them off?!'

Presumably if he is a good, involved, committed dad, then he knows that, his kids know that, and anyone important to him knows that. So what does it matter if people who don't know him call him a 'weekend dad'?

All people are trying to say is that the idea of a 'weekend dad' is a dad who has nothing to do with his kids apart from on 'his' weekends. And sadly there are a lot of them about.

ghostyslovesheep · 27/05/2015 14:46

yeah because single mothers are always treated so well and viewed in a positive manner

I only every see the term 'weekend dad' to describe shit fathers to be honest so it fits

I am separated - according to him we co parent and share custody - in reality this means he has for 12 hours on a tuesday/thursday and 24 on the weekend - the rest I do

But I let him off because he is a loving dad and a decent ex husband

Radiatorvalves · 27/05/2015 14:47

When DB split with his wife (she had an affair and palms them off at every opportunity) he was determined NOT to be a weekend Dad. He has them almost 50% of the time.

She was a total nightmare, and when I posted here for advice on things, the vitriol I got from people was amazing...despite her issues, I was informed it was all the fault of the exH, and she could introduce kids to new bf whenever she wanted (actually within 2 months of telling the kids). Someone even accused me of being the OW! I took it with a pinch of salt.

avocadogreen · 27/05/2015 14:52

My good parent trophy must have got lost in the post...

Original poster

1wokeuplikethis · 27/05/2015 14:54

Yes, agreed, massive pinch of salt required.

OP posts:

Ohbollocksandballs · 27/05/2015 15:02

DS' Dad is a weekend dad. He has DS one weekend day a week. Doesn't make contact outside those times, not even if DS is ill. No interest in nursery, pays the bare minimum, doesn't even provide clothes/nappies for when DS is visiting.

Mousefinkle · 27/05/2015 16:00

I've learnt something from this thread. I assumed 'weekend parent' just meant the parent had the child/ren at the weekend which is a very normal set up as far as I'm aware. There were very few children with separated parents when I was growing up (of which I was one) and we all lived with our mother's and saw our father at the weekend.

But from this thread my dad definitely wasn't a 'weekend dad' because he was always at parents evenings, school performances, before he moved to a different city he'd pick me up from school occasionally and when I was a teenager he spent a lot of time on the phone to me trying to calm me down after arguments with my mum . So, he wouldn't be described as a Disney/weekend dad I assume.

If I heard the term before reading this thread I wouldn't find it offensive because I would just take it as meaning they were separated and saw their kids at the weekend, perfectly normal set up where I'm from. But now I know what it means I guess it is offensive if they do take an active role in parenting during the week too iykwim.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/05/2015 19:05

Disney parenting is not often used to describe parents who do fun stuff with their kids.

It's usually referring to the ones who run like the wind from any real parenting and only ever do the fun stuff.

FairyPenguin · 27/05/2015 19:21

My DH only sees the DC at weekends. Whenever I say that, I think a lot of people assume we are separated. It's actually because he has a long commute so he sees them every night but they are asleep.

He does much more with them at the weekends than I do, and would love to see more of them but nothing we can do about that.

The DC are happy - it's all they know. It's hardest for him. Especially on days like today when we've been playing out in the sun and I text him photos of them having fun.

Leafitout · 27/05/2015 19:21

I find it incredibly offence, ignorant and derogatory being termed as a single mum, raised eyebrows, benefit scrounger and all that is wrong with society. My DS has two parents. I'm am the twenty four seven hours a day seven days a week 365 days of the year parent and my title should be " oh there she goes the full time mum who pulls her weight on her own". While the not even weekend dad gets a pat on the back by his mates for doing fuck all towards his child. I think being called a weekend dad is getting off lightly as that is how it is. Just like being called a single mum.

flippinada · 27/05/2015 19:23

I wouldn't mind being described as a 'Midweek Mum' either, sounds quite funky .

Can't say I've ever heard the term 'Weekend Dad' used perjoratively. I have heard 'Disney Dad' used in that way - no need to go into what it means as others have already done that. It's a handy shorthand for an NRP who behaves in a certain way.

It's pretty clear however that the OP is posting with a not particularly well hidden agenda so I'm not minded to take them seriously.

HighwayDragon · 27/05/2015 19:28

XP is a weekend/disney dad, my friends XP is a hands on dad. There is a difference.

BehindEveryCloud · 27/05/2015 19:31

YANBU, I don't like the term thrown about in that context either.

Andrewofgg · 27/05/2015 19:31

There are also fathers whose exes resent their continued presence in their children's lives - because it means some degree of contact with the ex himself - that they rule him out of all contact except at "his" weekend. They resist him seeing copies of school reports or knowing about the health of the children. They are weekend Dads. They live in fear that the ex will up sticks to another part of the country or just put obstacles in the way of such contact as he has.

I speak from professional, not personal, experience.

Treemuskears · 27/05/2015 19:36

I've heard dads being called McDads before I think that sounds worse.

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