to be this pissed off with man-child

[lastqueenofscotland]

I need a rant and working away from home I can't potter round to a friends to do so!

DP is most of the time lovely, supportive interested in my high powered but otherwise incredibly boring job (noone has any genuine interest in what i do seriously it's impossible to but he'll listen to my rants about it), i hardly ever cook my own evening meal or breakfast, supportive of my hobbies and niche interests, very good with my incredibly difficult mother and 'chaotic' sister, does more than his fair share of the housework, pops up with little thoughtful things, even if it's just something he's seen that he thinks i'll find funny, or the name of a song on a radio he heard that he thinks ill like.
BUT get his bloody mates involved and he won't say no to them for fear of looking 'settled' like bloody 18 year olds do!! When the main protagonists are married and one has their first child on the way and they frequently will turn down stuff to spend time with their wives.

This weekend took the PISS. I've got a flight tomorrow as working away for 11 days, i had a train to airport hotel at 5 today. Thought all things considered it would be nice to spend a weekend together, we've both had a few nights away here nights away there for work, he agreed, we discussed a few things we could do, I made sure my dairy was free told a friend who asked if i was around I'd not be able to see her for example and she understood all good.
Anyway Saturday he suggests we all go down to the pub as his friends are there, i like them that's fine, go to pub. He invites 5 of his friends round to watch eurovision... chippy tea few wines and beers, they finally leave at midnight.
Next day he's a bit quiet, announces at 12:50 that he's going to go and play fucking cricket and has to leave in 10 mins time and he HAS to play cause the team are short. You do not play for england. You play for the village side. You do NOT have to play. I make it clear that i'm not happy with this. I get a phone call when there saying we are apparently going to someones house for a bbq... could i go and get some food for it seeing as i'm just sitting at home with nothing to do because i've cancelled all plans. Anyway go and get food dump it outside the changing room entrance and piss off cause i'm just not happy. Go round to my friend who lives local to DPs friend for a moan. Go to BBQ and he's very very apologetic, promising me we can do XYZ, we'll go out for lunch tomorrow blah blah blah. Anyway i probably made a bit too strong a point of being poisonous company, hardly spoke to anyone there (all blokes tbf), just scrolled through stuff on my phone. And when they started talking about going i was just a bit like "ok bye" and went and stood by the car for 10 mins.

This morning looking forwards to having a day when i finally get to actually spend some of my weekend not with his bloody meathead friends. Get up late, make a cooked breakfast together. Then at half 11 his best mate comes round with loads of beer/snacks to watch cricket, and this is NOT spontaneous, meathead friend is not capable of spontaneity. They settle down to watch it, promise we'll go and do something after cricket has finished... which will be interesting as cricket finishes after I'll be in my bloody airport hotel. Anyway train at 5 and i leave at 12:30 instead cause i've had enough. Get a text telling me who's won and thats it until obviously meathead has left. then i get loads of grovvelly stuff through, sorry but he really wanted to play cricket, sorry but meathead was really keen to watch it.
I've basically said do what you want but don't expect me to clear my diary for him again. Which he's said, oh we can go do this this and this once you're back. I then replied will meathead (not actually name of best friend but may as well be, not convinced isn't a neanderthal) be invited and no reply as yet.

He is nearly 30 and doesn't want to be teased by his friends for spending time with his other half... who happens to have to go to the states for 11 days.

I know i need to be a grown up and talk about this but i am so bloody cross and will totally lose my cool if i ring.
If it was a one off that's fine, but we went on holiday together and jesus, a friend (not meathead, one i can actually tolerate in all fairness) said during a conversation that he's always wanted to go where we were going, and he invited him along, and I ended up having to put my foot down saying that he was NOT coming on OUR holiday and not-meathead was actually very apologetic saying he'd never dared have agreed if he'd known it was a 'just us' thing.
HOW can impressing your friends come before everything else.

not even an AIBU just a full on rant I'm just so so upset.

YANBU for being really cross / annoyed about this but the passive-aggressive sulking wasn't a good way to deal with it. What does he say when you make the point that he can see his friends all next weekend (when you're away) and that he had agreed to make this weekend special for the two of you?

If meathead is incapable of sponteneity then you're suggesting that your partner had pre-arranged it. Just like he'd clearly pre-arranged the cricket. So for me, the issue isn't the lack of time together, the issue is that he is LYING to you about the arrangements he has made. That would be a dealbreaker for me, however nice he was in other departments.

You need to get to the bottom of why he feels he has to lie to you (presumably he's scared of your reaction - but why is he not scared of your reaction when you eventually find out?) Then you need to get to the bottom of whether you have completely different expectations from the relationship, and then you need to decide whether it can meet your requirements or not.

YADNBU OP. In your shoes I would not have bought food or gone to the BBQ and think meatheads sounds about right for his friends. What do you actually get out of this relationship?

gotthemoononastick Your future DILs have all my sympathy and no doubt you will be the MIL from hell.

I don't think you're compatible long-term, sorry. If he's gregarious and you prefer to socialise one on one or in small groups then you are always going to feel frustrated and imposed-upon.

Also if he is actually a decent man, as you say, then he would almost certainly drop the amount of time he spent on socialising with his mates to spend time with you if he thought of you as 'the one'. But I don't think he does think you're 'the one'. The fact that he treats all your potential free time together as an occasion to get all his mates round suggests that he's actually not that fussed about spending time with just you.

If I were you I'd consider whether you really want to be in this relationship for the long haul. He sounds to me like he's basically a nice man but not that into you really.

YANBU.

I think it's tough time in anyone's life when your relationship starts to take priority over your mates. Your feel a bit torn in half. However, for most people this tends to take place a bit before you're 30. For me and most of my mates it happened about 25. i think it's obviously happened for you, but not for your other half. The difficulty is judging whether he's just late catching up, or whether you think he'll ever catch up.

I ended my relationship with the person I was with when I was 26 because our bank holiday weekend by the sea plans turned into meeting his mates in a pub in Skeggy,

Whatever happens, do NOT have children with this man until this issue is sorted.

IMO, what it comes down to is that he's more concerned about letting Meathead down than letting you down.

What the reason for that is, does it really matter? No answer would bode well for your relationship.

YANBU. You both agreed to keep the weekend free, but he didn't have the backbone (or maybe the desire?) to say no to his friends muscling in on it.

My DH used to be a bit like this, unable to say no to friends in fear of being called a kept man - in the end I just stopped pussyfooting around it and said either he stopped doing it or he could find a new girlfriend. I felt like I was battling them for his attention all the time. He's fine now and has a good balance of being with me and seeing them.

"My unmarried sons and nephews would class you as ' too much admin.'
They say things like 'entering marriage is like entering a war...you don't know if you will exit it alive'"

What a really horrible attitute. Maybe entering marriage would be like entering a war...for their poor future wives. Let's hope they never have relationships and just stick to being a misogynistic group of lads together

YANBU

Id be massively pissed off if my OHs mates were always around, and a lot of the time central to our plans. Whats wrong with wanting to have some alone time with your DH before going away for 11 days?! Its not as if you are going round the corner, popping home every couple of days.

I think some of the replies here are very harsh and "lecturey" you are human not a robot (thankfully some levelheaded responses in between). Yes you had a sulk, not good but you were hurt..nobody is perfect all the time!

As to those who have said to leave him - I don't actually think you should. I think the 2 of you should have some time out together - none of his friends around - and you should tell him very very bluntly how you feel, and why, and take it from there. Leaving is not a solution in every instance. You need to see whether once he sees how deadly serious on this you are, he will feel its worth putting his friends aside sometimes, and affording you more privacy in your relationship.

Im vaguely wondering whether his mates partners would be cool with this level of intrusiveness - I bet they wouldnt. & I think his mates are taking the piss slightly but its for him to realise that isnt it

He promises one thing then does another. At best that's annoying at worst it means you can't trust him to ever do what he say he'll do. Yanbu.

Thanks for all the replies on here guys.
I appreciate meathead is not a kind term but I was absolutely livid last night!! I'm sure we've all called someone a name in the heat of it.

A lot to think about. I can't stress enough that the issue isn't the playing cricket. He plays either that or golf virtually every weekend sometimes both! I'm sporty too I totally get it. I'm baffled as to why he lied. If he said "I appreciate you're going away but I really want to play this weekend" or something to tha effect id be fine with it! I've got dogs to walk, car to clean, stuff to pack. But it was that every single plan was intruded on, and it's not the first time either.
To the person who mentioned their partners, no absolutely not, I'm loathe to compare myself to others but they all do date nights etc really make time for each other. I'm not necessarily fussed about the whole "date night" thing but I just want some time together as a couple!

It's the constant encroaching that IMO he feels a bit bullied into (when their is a group of them he is always the butt of all their jokes), that I struggle with. He's always very apologetic.

Anyway plenty to talk about when I'm back i guess. I think I probably need to be better with absolutely saying "no I don't want to do that" rather than going on with it and getting pissed off.

YANBU. he is putting his friends before you and your relationship. He's either a misguided dick or he's not into you enough. The point to make to him is that he's making a choice each time and choosing them. All you want is for him to choose you. The fact that he doesn't speaks volumes.

"...when their is a group of them he is always the butt of all their jokes..."

Doesn't he mind his mates bullying him? TBH if my BF was always the butt of jokes, I'd a) wonder why either he didn't try and put a stop to it, or b) why he hung around with arseholes like that. I would find it all very unnatractive.

There is one answer to this: I don't want to do it. See you later.

Stop going along with stuff you don't want to do, with people you don't want to be with. Be honest.

(And you sound lovely, intelligent, reasonable and too good for someone who takes you for granted )

When he says he doesn't want to be 'that guy' say 'what, a good husband and father?'

My dh used to be a little bit like this with fishing. Would think nothing of disappearing off for an entire weekend. I told him I had got used to being ignored and dismissed but he simply would not be doing it to any future children or he could fuck off now.

Now we have children and he has grown up a bit he doesn't go quite as much. But my god if he was putting his hobbies before his own children I would be stunned.

I think you have to explain to him that his constantly being at his friends beck and call makes you feel unimportant and if you are not high on his list of priorities you would rather call it a day. I couldn't spend the rest of my life constantly being dropped for a better offer. Imagine your self esteem after another few years of this.

Could u agree Sundays r your days and that u don't see anyone else.

You sound like far too much hard work OP. His friends are important to him. That's normal. Get over yourself. I can't believe the names you are calling his friends. If my partner called my friends that (or showed that kind of attitude) they'd be out the door. There's no way someone would hate my friends that much and still be in my life.

If this was a man writing this, about wanting to stop his girlfriend seeing her friends, he would be told controlling and she would be told to run for the hills.

His friends are important to him. That's normal

It's not normal if he's putting his friends ahead of his wife all the time. OP has said they've not had any time alone since January, that he's either inviting friends round or going to see them all the time.

I agree that the OP does sound dismissive of the friends, but I think she's not BU about wanting time to be a couple with her DP.

Oh, and OP hasn't said she's trying to get him to stop seeing his friends at all, just that she'd like some time alone with him, ie more balance.

I highly doubt OP hasn't had any alone time with her partner since January. She sounds irate and like she's completely exaggerating. I could be wrong of course but if she's that unpleasant about his friends it's no wonder he'd rather spend time with them. Perhaps they are easier to get on with.

Ugh Cricket Lads dickheads poor you OP. YANBU at all

It sounds like too much effort - if, on the odd occasion you do get some quality time together, you've had to coerce him into doing it, then it doesn't feel as good as if he'd actually shown he wanted to anyway, does it?

My ExP used to be like this - everything on his terms with his knobhead friends. My DH actually likes spending time with me and so makes the effort for me - you deserve the same OP. Leg it and don't look back

Pilgit nails it.

In fact your post saying that he plays X sport every weekend is what would spell it out for me… surely that cuts out a lot of time you spend with a partner if you spend time playing sport every weekend.

He could cut out one of the sports he plays.

I used to work with a man who played rugby every weekend but his girlfriend (now his wife and mother of his baby son) played women's rugby and he coached the team. I'm not saying you should do that OP but I'd be seriously pissed off if someone I thought of having a long term relationship with was playing multiple sports all year round every weekend with the friends that came along with it.

He really does sound like a man child who isn't ready for a proper, adult relationship. OP hasn't said anywhere that she doesn't want him to see his friends. But they had plans for the weekend together and he changed them without even bothering to ask if she minded.

I've gone from my exh, whose friends always came before me or the kids to a lovely partner who wants to spend time with me. It makes such a difference.

YANBU. Your DP sounds like he doesn't really understand the give and take of a relationship. You know him much better than anyone here and I don't want to undermine what you have with him so apologies in advance if this suggestion not helpful. However I tend to be attracted by "unavailable" men and I've been helped by an American book called "he's just not that into you." It sounds really harsh but it's great at outlining that women deserve to be treated properly and should not put up with men who for what ever reason can't deliver what they need.