to be this pissed off with man-child

[lastqueenofscotland]

I need a rant and working away from home I can't potter round to a friends to do so!

DP is most of the time lovely, supportive interested in my high powered but otherwise incredibly boring job (noone has any genuine interest in what i do seriously it's impossible to but he'll listen to my rants about it), i hardly ever cook my own evening meal or breakfast, supportive of my hobbies and niche interests, very good with my incredibly difficult mother and 'chaotic' sister, does more than his fair share of the housework, pops up with little thoughtful things, even if it's just something he's seen that he thinks i'll find funny, or the name of a song on a radio he heard that he thinks ill like.
BUT get his bloody mates involved and he won't say no to them for fear of looking 'settled' like bloody 18 year olds do!! When the main protagonists are married and one has their first child on the way and they frequently will turn down stuff to spend time with their wives.

This weekend took the PISS. I've got a flight tomorrow as working away for 11 days, i had a train to airport hotel at 5 today. Thought all things considered it would be nice to spend a weekend together, we've both had a few nights away here nights away there for work, he agreed, we discussed a few things we could do, I made sure my dairy was free told a friend who asked if i was around I'd not be able to see her for example and she understood all good.
Anyway Saturday he suggests we all go down to the pub as his friends are there, i like them that's fine, go to pub. He invites 5 of his friends round to watch eurovision... chippy tea few wines and beers, they finally leave at midnight.
Next day he's a bit quiet, announces at 12:50 that he's going to go and play fucking cricket and has to leave in 10 mins time and he HAS to play cause the team are short. You do not play for england. You play for the village side. You do NOT have to play. I make it clear that i'm not happy with this. I get a phone call when there saying we are apparently going to someones house for a bbq... could i go and get some food for it seeing as i'm just sitting at home with nothing to do because i've cancelled all plans. Anyway go and get food dump it outside the changing room entrance and piss off cause i'm just not happy. Go round to my friend who lives local to DPs friend for a moan. Go to BBQ and he's very very apologetic, promising me we can do XYZ, we'll go out for lunch tomorrow blah blah blah. Anyway i probably made a bit too strong a point of being poisonous company, hardly spoke to anyone there (all blokes tbf), just scrolled through stuff on my phone. And when they started talking about going i was just a bit like "ok bye" and went and stood by the car for 10 mins.

This morning looking forwards to having a day when i finally get to actually spend some of my weekend not with his bloody meathead friends. Get up late, make a cooked breakfast together. Then at half 11 his best mate comes round with loads of beer/snacks to watch cricket, and this is NOT spontaneous, meathead friend is not capable of spontaneity. They settle down to watch it, promise we'll go and do something after cricket has finished... which will be interesting as cricket finishes after I'll be in my bloody airport hotel. Anyway train at 5 and i leave at 12:30 instead cause i've had enough. Get a text telling me who's won and thats it until obviously meathead has left. then i get loads of grovvelly stuff through, sorry but he really wanted to play cricket, sorry but meathead was really keen to watch it.
I've basically said do what you want but don't expect me to clear my diary for him again. Which he's said, oh we can go do this this and this once you're back. I then replied will meathead (not actually name of best friend but may as well be, not convinced isn't a neanderthal) be invited and no reply as yet.

He is nearly 30 and doesn't want to be teased by his friends for spending time with his other half... who happens to have to go to the states for 11 days.

I know i need to be a grown up and talk about this but i am so bloody cross and will totally lose my cool if i ring.
If it was a one off that's fine, but we went on holiday together and jesus, a friend (not meathead, one i can actually tolerate in all fairness) said during a conversation that he's always wanted to go where we were going, and he invited him along, and I ended up having to put my foot down saying that he was NOT coming on OUR holiday and not-meathead was actually very apologetic saying he'd never dared have agreed if he'd known it was a 'just us' thing.
HOW can impressing your friends come before everything else.

not even an AIBU just a full on rant I'm just so so upset.

OP, YANBU at all. It's so frustrating when you have plans to do something as a couple and you end up hanging out in a big group all day.

To PP's saying "some people like spending time as a group" - yes, they do, but why should that trump OPs' enjoyment of spending time as a couple? It's possible to do both without one feeling put out about their friends not being there. DP and I have mutual friends and it's nice to hang out as a group, but let's be honest, being out as a couple is different and more intimate and it's important to maintain that intimacy occasionally.

I like DP's mates but I would be thoroughly pissed off if they were here all weekend every weekend, and always ended up at the same pubs or restaurants or days out as us - it takes the piss. OP's DP is basically saying "yeah, couple time is great, we'll have x day to ourselves" and then ignoring it by letting his mates come and ruin it! It's very a bit selfish, no?

I think yabu and yanbu.

I say yabu because on the whole he sounds great and I wouldn't describe him as a man-child. Most of us are crap about at least one thing. Also you reaction and attending the BBQ to express your displeasure is quite childish.

But I also think he needs to get a grip. He doesn't want to seem settled? Why not? What's wrong with that?

He made plans to spend the weekend with you and he should have done. He shouldn't have made other plans. That's not on.

You need to decide if this is a deal breaker for you. If it is you need to tell him this. Has he always been like this?

I don't think YABU to want to spend time with your DP, all I read from your post is you're very frustrated with it and acted a bit daft by being in a huff at the BBQ.

I'd be wondering who he'd rather spend time with tbh. If it's you, then he needs to stop trying to please his mates all the time. If it's you, he needs to show it be actually telling his mates he's busy.
If it's them... and you deserve a partner who wants to spend time with you. I'm not saying 24/7, but at least the times you've planned to be together.

And what about if you have kids? What then? He's 30, you need to sit him down and ask him why he's so scared of being settled. Ask him if he's genuinely sorry or does he just think to get round you by acting sorry? Does his dad model this behaviour? If he really is just bad at organising, set rules such as 'no more than one weekend day with mates' or whatever is acceptable between you both. Don't do something with a bad grace tbi fun as it's a slow killer, either do it or refuse upfront

I think yabu about his friends, calling them dullards and meatheads, if I heard my dp talk about my mates like that I'd be seriously pissed off.

Yanbu re him canceling plans last minute, that's annoying, and the least he could do is let you know asap so that you can make other plans too. However, I don't think you communicated this very effectively at all, letting him continuously let you down, and accommodating him until you get really annoyed.

It sounds like you're at different life stages and wanting different things from a relationship. Nothing wrong with that but you need to be honest with each other. It doesn't sound like communication is great between you two which is causing the resentment and sulking.

He sounds too subordinate a personality to survive in a long relationship with you IMO.
I was that person, years ago, with a lovely, calm and easy-going partner.
We split when I realised that his passive nature and my...not so passive one was turning me into a domineering and controlling, impatient and patronising person who didn't respect him. I loved him and he deserved better.
We both found partners we've been with over 25 years now.
So no, I don't think YABU but I do think that you are not suited. And in his mind he probably knows it too, hence the not wanting to be settled.

YANBU

You don't need to go along with his plans. I would have let him get on with the food and BBQ himself. You shopped and then taxied him home. You should have text your friend to see if she was free.

I like my partner's friends but they aren't my friends and I don't want to see them every weekend (so I don't).

He may like to be in a crowd, he's definitely selfish. How much time does he spend with your friends? If anyone else was treating you like this, what would you do?

Maybe he doesn't want to spend time with you? Do you go out on weeknights?

Yabu not to crack on with some other plans .....when he clearly wanted to spend his time with his friends instead.

'Clear my diary' made me chuckle

Thanks for all the replies folks.
For the person that mentioned his dad no complete opposite. His dad is always in/spends all his time with his wife. I'm not asking for that I feel the need to 100% stress.
Re my friends there are two people in my immediate group if close friends he's not even met, we had plans to introduce them all and he got "held up" at a lunch with his friends and couldn't make it.

When I'm back I think I'll have to really say something.
If he ruins the weekend I've planned by not being able to tear himself away from his mates I think that will be it, cause I just can't deal with constantly being let down. It's all stuff he'll like and totally on his terms. I like lots of things he doesn't and would never say, make him go to an agricultural show or Highland games stuff like that I grew up going to and love a day out he thinks is dreadful and I'd not ask. I've ended up at sport trips I don't care about, he seems like he really wants me to come to these, buys my ticket, he's even lied about who's coming before now. That really pissed me off, "you won't be the only girl xs

Pressed send too soon! So and SOS wife is coming"
No surprise to see she wasn't there...
Slightly less angry after a nights bad sleep.
They say the sun should never set on an argument, I'd not recommend it setting on being in a different continent for 11 days even more so.

It sounds to be as if you don't really respect him , you definitely see yourself as the better half .You talk a lot about your career and his less interesting job, you call his friends derogatory nicknames ( yes I know it's fine to give them nicknames on a forum but why choose such derogatory ones ) that indicate that you definitely look down on them.

To be honest he sounds rather scared of you, why does he tell you things at the last minute; it's because he is scared of your reaction? .

I think you need to think carefully about whether you want to be with this person as you don't sound awfully good for each other

I'm afraid I'm struggling to get beyond the names you use for his friends too. I can see you have reasons not to be happy with the amount of time his friends are around but I think I agree with posters you think you sound fundamentally unsuited.

Posters "who think" sorry.

You don't share any interests by the sound of things.

Never just 'go along' with his sporting stuff....why should you?

How long have you been together if he's not managed to meet 2 of your closest friends?

You sound really rather bossy. As well as being dismissive and judgemental of his friends.

If he ruins the weekend I've planned by not being able to tear himself away from his mates I think that will be it, cause I just can't deal with constantly being let down

Please don't start setting tests like this for him, at least not without communicating with him. Talk to him about it, say how important you feel this is for your entire relationship, and talk about compromise - for instance, that he can see his friends on Saturday but Sunday he absolutely won't, if they phone he will tell them he's not available, if they turn up on the doorstep he will turn them away. And maybe plan to go out for the day together so that you just won't be there if people turn up.

You remind me of a bloke with a high powered job who expects his wife to only see her friends when he is away on business and then to drop them all when he gets back so that she can give him her full attention.

I mean, what about the weekend you could have spent together that you've ruined by being away working?

No, she said her job was boring, not his!

My BIL and SIL are like this. His mates come before everything. They have children, and his mates still come first - and an unpleasant, immature lot they are too. Love playing nasty jokes on each other and are Neanderthal in their attitude to women.

Back home, he's lovely, thoughtful, caring - like a different man.

I would suggest counselling to find out where his priorities really lie and whether you are prepared to accept them.
He does sound very selfish. Why can't he go to activities you enjoy? Why can't he spend time with you and without his mates?

His commitment was to you. That's a partnership or marriage. Trouble is, his commitment seems to be only words and not actions.

He's got a really interesting job mine is insufferable.
I don't expect him to drop everything for me AT ALL I just don't see why I have to put up with having plans ruined because he won't put his foot down and say no to his friends for once.

Tanith that is him and his friends. Some of the comments they'll say if the other halves aren't there make me skin crawl I dread to think what's said about me when I'm not around.

Probably that I'm a sulky sour faced cow :£

How long have you been together lastqueen? Has it always been like this, or has it got worse over the years?

Ages! To be fair I ended it to go and work in Singapore for 9 months and then came back, about 18 months ago now for a few reasons but one of them being him.
I think it crept in. Inviting friends on a meal out once in a while slowly spiralled to them being at EVERYTHING.
I've apologised for the way I behaved at the barbecue, and the response was "no I'm really sorry we shouldn't have planned that." If he wants to play cricket FINE but don't lie to me about telling me you're not and then that you "had" to play as they were short.
It's the complete back tracking I can't bare. If he just said "sorry I want to see xyz this weekend" id not mind but this isn't the first time I've looked forward to some time together and suddenly his fear of looking under the thumb comes in and he ruins our plans. I can't count the numcer of times I've mentioned this but the friend I really don't like is an Out and out bully just happens to be 31, 6 foot something and 200lbs and he just won't say no to him.

If you marry this bloke you will be friends with his friends FOR EVER.

He hasn't taken the time to meet your best friends, he lies to you about plans, he's not going to miss you sufficiently for 11 days that he misses the cricket

You strop when you don't get your own way, you make nasty names for his friends & don't seem to like them and you fail to assert yourself

I would suggest you assess if this relationship is one that you want to take forward to marriage, family etc