to think these parents should have checked first if they wanted to go out and leave their child with me?

[Tinklewinkle]

Sorry, very long winded title, but I'm bloody pissed off and don't think I've done anything wrong.

DD2's best friend lives a few doors down from us. We have a bit of an open door policy whereby the girls (both 9, nearly 10) knock for each other, if it's nice they tend to play together out the front, or they'll come in (here or at DD's friend's house) and play for a while, then when we get fed up/dishing up dinner/have to go out/whatever we'll send them home.

DH and DD1 are away this weekend and DD2 and I had made plans for a couple of treats. DD's friend came and knocked for her just after lunch and DD asked if they could play for a while. Reminded DD we were going out so they only had an hour or so. All fine.

I sent DD's friend home when we were ready to go, DD and I went out. That was that, all very normal and nothing that hasn't happened pretty much every day for several years.

Anyway, DD and I return and we've been home a matter of minutes before there's a knock on the door. I assume it's DD's friend and go to explain that we were going to sort out dinner and have a movie night, so DD would see her tomorrow. But it's the friends mum.

It turns out that while DD's friend was here, they'd gone out. They'd returned to find their DD sitting on their doorstep and the parents are very upset with me.

At no point had either parent mentioned they were going out, they didn't pop down, phone, text, anything. The friend didn't say a word and I had absolutely no idea they weren't in

Now, there have been times when DD has been there and we've needed to go out. One of us will go down, if it's OK we'll leave DD there if it's not, DD will come with us. I'd never just go out without speaking to them first.

AIBU to think, if you want someone else to be responsible for your child, you should bloody well let them know first. I actually have no problem with their DD staying here when they go out if it's convenient, but they can't just expect me to be responsible for supervising their daughter while they're out if I don't know I'm supposed to be doing so

[LadyCuntingtonThe3rd]

I'd be sending friend home and saying "Sorry, sweetheart. Your mum said you're not allowed to play here anymore. If she has changed her mind, she can come and speak to me herself". That way you won't be the mean one and she has to come and apologise.

[Fatmomma99]

I REALLY am not one to punish children for the ills of the adults, but I really would be tempted in this case if her DD turns up for you to text mum and say #your dd is here, she knocked and I let her in, but understood from you that she's banned from here, so do you want to come and collect her?#
I PROPER think you are owed an apology, and it shouldn't be allowed to 'sit' (with implied criticism of you just resting and therefore a #given#)

Whilst not holding out for a proper apology (which, I DO think you are owed, because I think she acted hastily because of her own guilt) I'm not sure you'll get it, but I do think she needs to climb down in some sense and show by her actions that you were in the right.

So, if it were me, I would (assuming DC are 'allowed' to play together again) make some changes which inconvenience her. I know people on this site hate passive aggression, and I do too. But in this instance, because you want to facilitate these children playing together, which they both get benefit from, I'd make her skip to your tune a bit. I.E. a text saying "your DD needs to come home now, please come and collect her" etc. Be creative, but make her hop/skip/jump if she tries to ignore her anger once she's got over it.

And NEVER acknowledge - even passively - that you were in teh wrong - it was her's and she needs to own it.

Good luck, and please let us know the outcome of how often the child knocks over half term!

[notapizzaeater]

That's shocking, what if she'd been with you and had an accident or needed her parents and you didn't know where they where.

I agree she's angry and taking it out in the first person (you) I hope when she's calmed down she apologises.

[CaptainSubtext]

She was a complete twat and was acting out of embarrassment by losing her rag at you.

YANBU I am intrigued to see how long before she rethinks the ban!

[notaplasticgnome]

Her behaviour was disgraceful and the classic angry defensiveness of someone who knows damn well they're in the wrong.
When your dd plays over at their house do they walk her home afterwards to make sure there's someone there?

[Tinklewinkle]

Well, that didn't last long.

10:30am, a knock on the door, and it's DD's friend.

Less than 12 hours. I thought it'd be at least Tuesday, maybe Wednesday.

I've texted the parents to let them know she's here (although she's only allowed as out as far as us, so for her to have knocked it's obvious it's ok if you see what I mean) and just got "that's fine"

No apology, no mention of yesterday, no nothing. I had decided to be all zen about it, but I'm pissed off all over again

[snowgirl29]

YA SO NBU! It is THEIR Responsibility to know where their child is, not yours! DDs best friend or not. You are not a ready made babysitting service.

[Tinklewinkle]

Sorry, x-posted. No they don't walk my DD home. Neither families have ever walked them home when they've been playing during the day.

If it's dark or late then we do. For example, we take it it turns to pick up from cubs so we make sure the girls are safely inside. Once DD was there on a sleepover but got a bit upset and decided she wanted to come home about 10:30pm so they walked her back, but generally when they've been playing during the day or after school we just send them home

[snowgirl29]

I agree with LadyCuntingTonThe3rd. Make her Mum come and speak to you herself! That's if she hasn't sodded off out Again!

[notaplasticgnome]

I can't believe she's just texted back 'that's fine'. Does she seriously think her disgraceful behaviour can be brushed off like that. She should have been over with a bottle of wine or some flowers apologising profusely and explaining that she'd got a shock but realised afterwards she was in the wrong.

She sounds really rude and arrogant.

[gamerchick]

This person has upset your child. Why on earth are you letting it go?

You do know she's all 'I got that fucker told as well' to everybody she sees don't you?

[Devora]

Less than 12 hours! I'd love to be a fly on the wall round at theirs - bet they were all in a self-righteous froth yesterday, today decided to be magnanimous and give you another chance "for the sake of the children".

[mamababa]

I think when it's time for her to go, you should walk her back and say 'I am doing this to check you are here as you seem to feel it is ok to leave her with me and go out without a word'

She would then be getting a few more words of advice from me

[letscookbreakfast]

Fucking hell I wouldn't let this go OP, you need to have words and tell the mum that you weren't aware they'd gone out.

[SpringTown46]

"that's fine" erm. NO.

[Tinklewinkle]

I've let it go as I really don't think it's fair to drag the girls into the argument. Refusing to let them play is punishing them and they haven't done anything wrong.

DH is back soon so when he gets in I'm going to go down and have words

[snowgirl29]

Tinkle. You didn't drag the girls into the argument. She did! There's a difference between letting things go for the kids sake and letting someone take advantage of you. Be a total walkover. Make you feel shit and then send the girl back around yours as if nothing happened. It did. Your loyalty to your DD does not extend to allowing others to upset you. I'd pull her when you take DD back round and tell her she was behaving completely unfair and you didn't like the way she behaved. About 'that's fine'. No its not. Totally not.

[snowgirl29]

You're obviously just a very kind person. I'd be marching her DD back and making her own her responsibilities and apologise to you!

[Roseotto]

I would have to text back "If you need to pop out while [your DD] is here, please let me know".
What dreadful people.

[SuckMySquallop]

If I were you, I'd call up social services and tell them of her abandoning her child.

She is no friend or a responsible parent.

Send the child back home and never let her back until her mom pleads for forgiveness.

[Tinklewinkle]

Thanks!

I won't let it go. If she'd said, "sorry about yesterday, I had a bit of a fright and took it out on you" I'd've left it, but "that's fine" has pissed me off all over again.

I'm here on my own at the moment and the girls are on Minecraft so I'll leave them to it until DH gets home and will go and have words

I've just decorated DD's bedroom, so while she's occupied with her friend and not nagging the life out of me, I'm making cushion covers and twiddly-shit for her room in peace

[SuckMySquallop]

Why should you go and have words?

Its should be that woman coming to YOU. Not the other way around.

Seriously, send her kid back home and avoid future angst from this God awful family.

[Marcelinewhyareyousomean]

'that's fine'.
Is it though? Cheeky cah

[Floisme]

I think the op is handling it very well. She's perfectly aware it's not 'fine' and is planning to talk to these awful people later - when the kids aren't around. I don't know if it will be possible to leave the children out of this but I think it's good that she's trying.

[Nessalina]

The cheeky cow! 'That's fine'!!! No it bloody isn't.
I'm impressed with your restraint so far in not letting it affect the girls, but you really mustn't let it slide.
It puts you on the back foot going over to hers... I don't know what to suggest though

I don't