to think these parents should have checked first if they wanted to go out and leave their child with me?

[Tinklewinkle]

Sorry, very long winded title, but I'm bloody pissed off and don't think I've done anything wrong.

DD2's best friend lives a few doors down from us. We have a bit of an open door policy whereby the girls (both 9, nearly 10) knock for each other, if it's nice they tend to play together out the front, or they'll come in (here or at DD's friend's house) and play for a while, then when we get fed up/dishing up dinner/have to go out/whatever we'll send them home.

DH and DD1 are away this weekend and DD2 and I had made plans for a couple of treats. DD's friend came and knocked for her just after lunch and DD asked if they could play for a while. Reminded DD we were going out so they only had an hour or so. All fine.

I sent DD's friend home when we were ready to go, DD and I went out. That was that, all very normal and nothing that hasn't happened pretty much every day for several years.

Anyway, DD and I return and we've been home a matter of minutes before there's a knock on the door. I assume it's DD's friend and go to explain that we were going to sort out dinner and have a movie night, so DD would see her tomorrow. But it's the friends mum.

It turns out that while DD's friend was here, they'd gone out. They'd returned to find their DD sitting on their doorstep and the parents are very upset with me.

At no point had either parent mentioned they were going out, they didn't pop down, phone, text, anything. The friend didn't say a word and I had absolutely no idea they weren't in

Now, there have been times when DD has been there and we've needed to go out. One of us will go down, if it's OK we'll leave DD there if it's not, DD will come with us. I'd never just go out without speaking to them first.

AIBU to think, if you want someone else to be responsible for your child, you should bloody well let them know first. I actually have no problem with their DD staying here when they go out if it's convenient, but they can't just expect me to be responsible for supervising their daughter while they're out if I don't know I'm supposed to be doing so

[Stealthpolarbear]

Has no one else noticed the child has two parents

[Fatmomma99]

Shame that the kids are the ones that suffer, Tinkle (not through any fault of yours). No wonder her DD is so keen to come over to yours!

Horrible thing for your DD to witness. You are DEF owed an apology, not least because she did it in front of your child.

We have local friends too, and we always text each other and at age 9/10 used to escort the children to and from each other's houses whenever it meant crossing a road or in darkness. Would still escort in darkness now for anything other than an immediate neighbour, and our DC are now all teenagers.

YA DEF NBU

[balletgirlmum]

Yes, but it was the mother who came round ranting & raving.

[Stealthpolarbear]

Yes I said before the mother is to blame for that but both parents left the girl

[Tinklewinkle]

Has no one else noticed the child has two parents

Yes, I said parents and either parent in my OP

It was the mum who was round here having a strop though

[Stealthpolarbear]

Yes you were the one who entitled both in the op. Everyone else has focused on the mother

[TendonQueen]

Stealth actually, yes. I referred to 'them' throughout my posts.

[Stealthpolarbear]

Sorry then I don't mean you either :o
Ignore the grumpy poster, bedtime for me

[Welshmaenad]

This happened with a friend of mine when I was younger. mum sent her home - and she came back saying her parents had gone out. We had to go somewhere and my mum wasn't prepared to leave the girl locked out so she brought her with us,which was a bit of an inconvenience. When we got home her parents tried having a go saying they had no idea where their child had been for hours. My mum went BATSHIT at them. It was quite impressive

[TheCatsMother99]

Sounds like they're pushing the blame back on to you for something they feel bad or are embarrassed about.

[Thisismyfirsttime]

What are you going to do if the dd comes around in the next few days as if nothing's happened OP? I completely agree that you should have an apology before you have her in again but it seems such a shame for the dd's who like each other to suffer as a result of the other mum's behaviour. I have no idea what I'd do, maybe be 'busy' but again that'd seem a shame for the kids!

[ScorpioMermaid]

omg yanbu what a cheek!

[Taytocrisps]

YANBU. I have a similar arrangement here. DD and her pal divide their time between playing here, playing in the friend's house and playing outside. Sometimes (when DD is in the friend's house), I might pop out to the shops. But I would always check with the friend's mother and ask if it's ok if I pop out to the shops and that I'll be back in 20 minutes etc.

[Tinklewinkle]

What are you going to do if the dd comes around in the next few days as if nothing's happened OP?

Probably carry on as if nothing has happened

I do want an apology (and I'm not going to be all martyrish about it) but if I send the friend back home it means the girls are being dragged into it too, and neither of them have done anything wrong. They get on brilliantly, play really well together and I think it's lovely that they have that kind of close friendship so I wouldn't put a stop to it.

[WeAllHaveWings]

YANBU If her dd comes around next week you need to tell her that her mum told you she wasn't allowed to play here anymore, if she wants to play her mum needs to come and let you know its ok because you don't want to break her rules.

Otherwise you wont know for sure the ban has been lifted.

[Tinklewinkle]

Pressed post too soon.

I meant to add, now they've had a fright, hopefully they won't pull that stunt again

[Thisismyfirsttime]

Good decision, I think I'd get too caught up in my issue with the mum but hope I'd do the same (as long as it didn't happen again!) Also, was dd upset by this display?

[MayPolist]

Well done OP!I think your decision is very sound and mature.The poor little girl has suffered enough already.It is not her fault she has flaky, aggressive and unreasonable parents.

[flora717]

She will pull it again OP, she's hardly reflecting on her actions in all of this.

[Narnia72]

I'd let her into play but I would be texting the mum saying X is here, please do let me know if you're going out at any point, as I'd hate to have a repeat of last time. Just to be clear, I don't think either of us needs to start walking each other's children home; please pop down or text to make us aware if you're going out and we'll do the same.

Friendly but firm.

[Tinklewinkle]

Thanks!

If it happens again I will be spitting, we'll see what happens.

Thisis Yes, she was upset by it all. DD struggles terribly with anxiety and shouting/arguing always makes her extremely anxious. I was trying to shoo her into the living room (and stop the bloody dog escaping) but she still heard all of it and witnessed some of it. We had planned an evening with pizza, popcorn and a movie, but ended up with her in a complete tizz instead. She's a very young 9/10 year old - she has some SN as well as the anxiety (which the friend's parents do know about) so seeing her friend's mum shouting at her mum and then worrying that she won't be allowed to play with her friend anymore hasn't been particularly helpful to say the least

[Tinklewinkle]

Sorry, x-posted

Yes, I think we do need to be a bit more formal about it after this. Next time she knocks, I will text them.

[abigamarone]

What were you expected to do if you HAD walked her back and they weren't in? Put your plans on hold for the day?
I think they owe you a massive apology.

[MayPolist]

What were you expected to do if you HAD walked her back and they weren't in?

well, exactly!!

[AlternativeTentacles]

Even though you have been told that she is not to play round there any more?