Sorry, very long winded title, but I'm bloody pissed off and don't think I've done anything wrong.
DD2's best friend lives a few doors down from us. We have a bit of an open door policy whereby the girls (both 9, nearly 10) knock for each other, if it's nice they tend to play together out the front, or they'll come in (here or at DD's friend's house) and play for a while, then when we get fed up/dishing up dinner/have to go out/whatever we'll send them home.
DH and DD1 are away this weekend and DD2 and I had made plans for a couple of treats. DD's friend came and knocked for her just after lunch and DD asked if they could play for a while. Reminded DD we were going out so they only had an hour or so. All fine.
I sent DD's friend home when we were ready to go, DD and I went out. That was that, all very normal and nothing that hasn't happened pretty much every day for several years.
Anyway, DD and I return and we've been home a matter of minutes before there's a knock on the door. I assume it's DD's friend and go to explain that we were going to sort out dinner and have a movie night, so DD would see her tomorrow. But it's the friends mum.
It turns out that while DD's friend was here, they'd gone out. They'd returned to find their DD sitting on their doorstep and the parents are very upset with me.
At no point had either parent mentioned they were going out, they didn't pop down, phone, text, anything. The friend didn't say a word and I had absolutely no idea they weren't in
Now, there have been times when DD has been there and we've needed to go out. One of us will go down, if it's OK we'll leave DD there if it's not, DD will come with us. I'd never just go out without speaking to them first.
AIBU to think, if you want someone else to be responsible for your child, you should bloody well let them know first. I actually have no problem with their DD staying here when they go out if it's convenient, but they can't just expect me to be responsible for supervising their daughter while they're out if I don't know I'm supposed to be doing so
AIBU?
to think these parents should have checked first if they wanted to go out and leave their child with me?
Tinklewinkle · 24/05/2015 19:23
It does look that way Devora. Tinklewinkle said upthread that she would be able to forgive if the other parent took responsibility and apologised for taking it out on the wrong person, and the other mum has said that very thing almost word for word. At least it shows an ability to learn. 
I wonder if there was any stage after they left at which they both realised they had forgotten their child? I guess not as they would have phoned you at the point they knew they were missing her.
I suppose if the prime minister can forget a child in the confusion of leaving, then anyone can do it.
So we've had words.
I didn't actually make it down to her, she came up to get her DD before I'd had a chance to get down there.
Pretty much as soon as I answered the door she apologised. She said they'd really panicked when they came home and found their DD waiting and took it out on the wrong person.
I said I was glad she'd come up as I was extremely pissed off and that we really needed to make these play dates a bit more formal, that I didn't want to punish the girls by refusing to let them play together, but that I wasn't prepared to risk it happening again.
She swears blind they've never done it before. They had to go out in a rush and in the "confusion of getting ready totally forgot to come down" 
She's apologised and she's promised she'll check with me before going out in future. I don't know, I'm not particularly convinced they've never done it before, but I guess I can only wait and see if it happens again.
Thanks all!
Hi Op, I think you have been brilliant about this, especially not letting this silly mum's reaction mean that you are going to take it out on the kid's friendship.
Recently we had a situation like this, where a little sister tagged along with a next-door-buddy of my son's. They were playing in our garden, and then I heard a call from the grandparent who was looking after them to come home. Half an hour later, I discover that the little girl was still in my house playing in my DDs room! I hadn't even realised she'd come in. The grandparents had been 'looking everywhere for her' but I hadn't heard the doorbell as I had the radio blaring. The parents were really upset about it all as they felt I'd been 'in charge'. But I hadn't invited the kid in in the first place!! 
Basically I talked to them about EXACTLY what would happen during 'drop in drop out' playdates. i.e., we would come over with the child or at least call. No texts to avoid confusion. Then the other person would call to send back. If both children came, then both need to leave at same time etc. This really helped as clearly these playtimes were getting confusing.
Personally though, I would go over to the mum when the playdate is over. Say that clearly things went wrong yesterday (without mentioning blame, even though you were clearly 99.9% in the right) and that you need to have 'guidelines' in place for these informal playdates, otherwise a situation will arise again.
It's good you aren't taking it out on the kids though. The mum sounds a nightmare, but kids friends are worth the aggro sometimes. 
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