Not to Stop Autistic DS?

[LadyNym]

My eldest DS will be three next week and he's currently going through an ASD diagnosis. One of the many traits he displays is being inappropriate in social situations and becoming immediately attached and obsessed with random strangers. I'm often at a bit of a loss as to how to handle this since he's not being 'naughty' or nasty or anything...just 'inappropriate'. I'm also often not sure when he's being inappropriate because of the ASD and when he's simply being a child. I know many NT children who overstep social boundaries!

The most recent example was when we were in the GP's waiting room. A mother and her son came in. The boy was a little older than DS (probably around four). He played at the bead table with my DSs for a couple of minutes then decided to take his mum a book for her to read to him. DS decided he would copy this behaviour and took over another book and gave it to the other mum. She was a little bemused and I tried to distract him but when he's set on something it's hard to stop him without a meltdown. Then he took another book and then a few more and started trying to dictate to the poor woman which book she should read, which she didn't seem especially happy about. I stepped in and managed to get him back to where my mum, my other DS and I were sitting but it didn't last long and DS went back to his new 'friend' (the boy hadn't said a word to him but DS is convinced everyone he meets is his friend).

At this point he started listening to the book being read (I had offered to read to him several times but he wasn't interested)...and then climbed up onto the seat next to the boy to better see/hear. This was a single seat so even with them both being small children it was a bit of a squeeze but since the boy didn't seem particularly uncomfortable I just left DS to it rather than intervening, which would have probably resulted in screaming and kicking etc. We were called in for our appointment a few minutes later.

So, was I unreasonable for not stopping DS? Would you expect a mum to step in if her child was acting in this way or would you think nothing of it?

I tend to attract stray children. You can tell a bit from the demeanour of the adult if they are ok with it. If a kid joins my clan, I may speak to them. This may be a problem if they tell me to read certain stories and I tell them it is not their turn to choose. I'm not going to lose that moment with my own kid for someone elses. I also may be in the drs for me not the kid, and rope you in after 3 books - turn taking!

If I'm stuck in a waiting room with children and other children will be there I almost expect interaction with all the children because that's what small children do.

Add in differences of a disability nature and it's something decent human beings should just suck up and get on with it.

We live in a world with many disabled people part of making it better for all is tolerance

I wouldn't mind it at all - I'd think it was quite sweet. It's not as though he's hitting another child, is it? All he wanted was to listen to stories - that would be fine by me.

Tbh I think you put the other mum in an awkward position. I really don't like other peoples kids hovering around me, it makes me nervous and twitchy. I realise that makes me sound awful, but it is what it is!

FWIW it does just sound like NT kid stuff to me. My dd1 (3) is exactly the same so I try discourage it. I wouldn't want other people to feel uncomfortable.

Difficult, but yes I think you should have stepped in, and I have a 4yo who is severely autistic, non verbal and prone to very violent meltdowns so I do understand. He does need to learn some boundaries as much as he is able to

Totally agree with you needs :)

anywhere else I'd probably think it was ok. nut it was a drs surgery. you have no idea what was wrong with her or her ds. and to expect her to interact with your child as well as deal with her own was a bit much tbh.

that's not to say I'd object to talking to or interacting/reading a story with your ds. I quite often end up talking to other people's children. I'm. Not always comfortable with it but I do it.

but if your expecting people to be mindful of your ds you have to extend the courtesy. and she could have been awaiting test results or anti depression meds or cancer treatment, all sorts.

Thank you so much for all responses so far. This is my first post in AIBU and I'm surprised at the speed of replies flooding in! Trying to spoon feed younger DS whilst replying but will try to cover some relevant points.

I don't feel comfortable telling people about the ASD (strangers, at least) simply because we're still in the middle of the process so he doesn't technically have a DX yet and I'd feel dishonest. That may be silly because I'm never going to see them again and it's unlikely they're going to challenge me on it but it's how I feel.

I appreciate all the answers both on the U and NU sides as it's helping me think about future scenarios like this (which are inevitable) and how I might handle them. The fact there's not really a consensus is reassuring because it makes me being so torn by what I should have done understandable. Whilst I'm not on the spectrum, I do have a lot of traits and am not always sure what's socially appropriate myself so it makes these situations really hard for me to judge!

Yes, I should have taken into consideration the fact either the mum or boy might have been feeling unwell. That's a fair point.

It's the sort of thing that you're going to have to judge in an individual basis every time. I think you do have to step in when your child is repeatedly going up to someone, especially in a doctors waiting room. Sometimes people are there for very difficult reasons and would be upset at a random child disturbing them, so you shouldn't let it get to the point where you can see someone is 'not especially happy about it'.

Not easy, but I think you should have stepped in, or at the very least asked if it was ok. You don't know the reasons why she is at the GP's and her son may have had a similar meltdown when your ds squeezed into his chair uninvited.

sorry x-post. didn't mean to repeat what you've discovered yourself. Got distracted while posting.

I have a nearly 3 year old also going through assessment for autism and I think I would have tried to go down the distraction route.... I'd get my phone out for him to play on / bribe with snacks or drink / get him to look at leaflets etc. If all else failed I think I would have asked the other mum if she minded and apologised and said he had autism.

My ds can be quite strange in social situations - usually repeating out of context phrases and getting too close to other children and I do understand how difficult it can be trying to strike a balance between keeping the peace and keeping your child happy.

I don't think you did anything "wrong" as such. It's all such a minefield.

As mum to ds and dd with autism I'd say yes you should have stepped in.Not least because the mum did't seem particularly happy but also because it's best to look in the longterm and if it's a behaviour you wouldn't want a pre teen to be doing then it's best to address whilst they are small and portable,
I carried a bag of distractions that mine would have considered superior to anything happening elsewhere so snacks and toys that never left the bag once at home and they were invaluable at keeping them by my side.

So much depends on how much understanding your son has. My friend's son is 5 and was DX with Autism aged 3. My friend is of the opinion that it will be good for her DS if she can teach him as much as possible about neurotypical communication as possible...so she does stop him from certain activities if they're likely to upset/bemuse or disturb others.

She will then model the "correct" behaviour...it seems to work for her and her DS as he's now very, very good socially compared to how he was at 3. He can and does engage in play with other children and has learned to take turns too. If removing him causes a meltdown then she still removes him...but it's sort of sunk in now and meltdowns are less and less.

but her son has a lot of excellent language skills so this might not work for all DC.

I agree with PPs saying you should have been more proactive. I don't like being 'bothered' by other people's kids for more than a few moments. Perhaps because my DC didn't like it either.

It wouldn't bother me but then I am a child magnet it would seem.
Perhaps next time step in if the other parent / child is uncomfortable but leave him if they aren't.

Tbh that sounds like completely NT behaviour in a three year old to me.

Ds2 is 5 and will also do similar. Last week we were swimming and there was a kid jumping off the side of the pool and his dad catching him. Ds2 went straight over, shouted 'me next!' and threw himself forwards...the poor bloke had no option but to catch him. He's also more than willing to try and muscle his way in to other parents who are reading stories/pushing swings/playing football if it looks fun, often with very awkward looking parents.

It's very awkward...do you step in and drag them off, leaving the other parent possibly thinking 'wow what an overreaction, I was more than happy to let him join in' or do you let them carry on, risking the parent thjnking 'I'm not a bloody babysitter, come get your child'.

You'll probably risk offending someone either way as there's just no way to tell. So you can't win really.

I wouldn't worry over it too much op.

Good luck with the diagnosis LadyNym. I would suggest that if you get the diagnosis, you'll also get help and support. If you think you know what the diagnosis is likely to be, are there any support networks you could lurk on (understand if it seems a bit previous to join) and just have a look at what other parents say?

I would suggest picking your battles - I would say that to any parent, SEN or not. And FWIW, I don't think you need to let every passing stranger know your DS's condition or potential condition - that's his personal business. Save steppjng in/apologising/explaining for the times when things go tits up and there are major meltdowns/hissy fits/tantrums (your DS or people affected by his behaviour).

And remember, all children make bad choices, SEN or not. But an SEN child may not be able to 'read' situations as well, or will have set responses for how to deal with things. If you get a diagnosis, you're likely to get a LOT of information and you'll be able to work out more easily what is an impact of the SEN and what is a 'bad choice'.

Hope this is helpful, and all the best to you and your DS.

It is worth thinking about the long-term in all honesty. He won't be a cute little toddler forever, so you'll have to tackle it at some point.

If I had been that mum it wouldn't have bothered me at all. Pretty normal behaviour with small children in a confined space. I think in your shoes though, I would have asked if it was ok? Just to check. I'm not sure telling her about autistic traits would have been necessary, just an " is he bothering you?"

Green I'd always err on the side of caution and remove my child. The other parent will say "Oh he's fine!" if they don't mind. I do mind. I somehow attract random children a lot when I'm out and about and I do resent it....when I'm with my DC I want to be with them...not someone else's DC. We don't get a lot of time together.

Ahh I think he sounds cute. I guess if he keeps doing it as he gets older you'd need to stop it, but at 3 it's sweet