Not to Stop Autistic DS?

[LadyNym]

My eldest DS will be three next week and he's currently going through an ASD diagnosis. One of the many traits he displays is being inappropriate in social situations and becoming immediately attached and obsessed with random strangers. I'm often at a bit of a loss as to how to handle this since he's not being 'naughty' or nasty or anything...just 'inappropriate'. I'm also often not sure when he's being inappropriate because of the ASD and when he's simply being a child. I know many NT children who overstep social boundaries!

The most recent example was when we were in the GP's waiting room. A mother and her son came in. The boy was a little older than DS (probably around four). He played at the bead table with my DSs for a couple of minutes then decided to take his mum a book for her to read to him. DS decided he would copy this behaviour and took over another book and gave it to the other mum. She was a little bemused and I tried to distract him but when he's set on something it's hard to stop him without a meltdown. Then he took another book and then a few more and started trying to dictate to the poor woman which book she should read, which she didn't seem especially happy about. I stepped in and managed to get him back to where my mum, my other DS and I were sitting but it didn't last long and DS went back to his new 'friend' (the boy hadn't said a word to him but DS is convinced everyone he meets is his friend).

At this point he started listening to the book being read (I had offered to read to him several times but he wasn't interested)...and then climbed up onto the seat next to the boy to better see/hear. This was a single seat so even with them both being small children it was a bit of a squeeze but since the boy didn't seem particularly uncomfortable I just left DS to it rather than intervening, which would have probably resulted in screaming and kicking etc. We were called in for our appointment a few minutes later.

So, was I unreasonable for not stopping DS? Would you expect a mum to step in if her child was acting in this way or would you think nothing of it?

[MitziKinsky]

To me, that's perfectly normal 3yo behaviour.

I think you intervened appropriately for his age.

My NT DD would have done this (and regularly did with other dads, which made it all the more awkaward when she climbed on their laps!)

My DS with aspergers would never have done this...would never have wanted to interact with someone he didn't know well. He'd have been too scared.

[mmgirish]

I think it's a bit sad that people have to worry about this type of interaction.

I live in SE Asia and the locals here aren't as fussy about personal space or unfamiliar children as people seem to be in the UK. We were at the beach a while back and I came back from a swim and there was a random girl there was looked about 2 and a half on our beach mat with my husband and two sons. She was playing and chatting, her parents were nearby but didn't feel the need to check if it was ok and only came over to bring her toys to share and then later to take her home.

People are always picking up my baby or giving my older son food or snacks without asking me. It's par for course here. They would be delighted if a random child came over and sat down for a story.

[RevoltingPeasant]

OP I think you need not to think so much about controlling your son as about modelling good behaviour to him - which in this case is talking to the other mum. It's striking to me that you say she didn't seem happy, but obviously didn't ask get.

DD is 4 mo and I took her to the library for the first time last week. A little girl about three was obviously taken with DD and kept trying to pass her books to read. Of course DD didn't know to take them so then the girl threw them at her. They were board books and could have hurt.

So I was having to do the whole we don't throw now, do we, but do you want to listen to the story. Her mum was right there and I was thinking ffs, show some acknowledgement of your DD behaviour.

By contrast, my friend has very, er, spirited DC, but she is ace at smiling at other parents and saying "oh god, sorry, do you mind?" And mostly, they don't. But if they do, she steps in properly.

Showing your DS that he should check with others if they are comfortable with him being there is key whether he is ASD or NT, IMO. I'm surprised you're not doing so tbh.

[soapboxqueen]

My ds is 6 has asd and still does this. He has no concept of strangers, everyone is a friend

He isn't at the point where modelling behaviour etc really work. I would generally try to distract at first. If the other adult seemed happy, I would leave it. If not, I would remove him and bare the consequences.

[Gileswithachainsaw]

mm Yes it is sad. but We aren't talking a holiday or family resort or a swimming pool where it's par of the course. We are talking a drs surgery where there is every chance people are moments away from life altering news.

There's a time and a place, that's all.

[WorraLiberty]

I'm not over keen on other people's kids as a rule but this really wouldn't have bothered me.

I like a captive audience when I'm reading stories

[ThroughThickAndThin01]

I'm terrible with other peoples chikdren, and I would have tried my best but felt uncomfortable. Sorry OP.

[LadyNym]

Why didn't it occur to me to ask the other mum if he was bothering them? I honestly don't know! It just never entered my mind.

Also, I should say whilst she wasn't effusive about him sitting there, she did interact with him. I got the feeling she perhaps felt a little awkward but I really wasn't sure if it would make things worse/even more awkward to try and remove him. I suppose asking might have solved that mystery...!

[FastForward2]

OP I am not sure how you could have intervened more without risking a meltdown. You had already intervened with book choice.

It would be worse than awkward, in fact possibly painful, for all in the waiting room, particularly if they are ill, to witness/endure a meltdown. If it was on a10 hour flight maybe drag the happy child away, but a two minute wait, surely just let it go!

I think you did the right thing. Give yourself (and ds) a break.

One thing I have learnt with my ds, who has autistic traits, is that anxiety is the main real disability he has. His behaviour is unconventional but does no one any harm, what can cause harm is his anxiety. It could easily lead to mental health issues. For this reason my approach is to go easy on the odd behaviour and let him be himself.

Obviously this does not apply to all children, every one is different.

I recommend all parents of children with suspected ASD or similar should read 'The Reason I jump' by Naoki Higashida, an autistic Japanese boy giving his reasons for odd behaviours. It was an eye-opener for me.

[Triooooooooooo]

It wouldnt bother me in the slightest but as. someone who has raised two children with Autism I will say as gently as possible. now is the time to put the hard work in (( whilst he's portable basically ))

Whilst it's fine to just let him be if his behaviour is impacting on others in a way they maybe dont appreciate then he needs to be stopped.

I look at my hulking, 6ft tall and growing ds and thank goodness that I clamped down very firmly on him stroking every, single bald head he came across (( despite the protests of the majority of victims who were fine with it !! ))

I know many, older children with Autsim who think the world revolves around them ((im talking rigged party games here )) simply because their parents have allowed it to make life easier in the short term ))

[MidniteScribbler]

I always try and look at how things could be seen from the outside. Imagine that other mother came home and got on AIBU:

"I was at the GP today with DS who has an ear infection and a bit crabby, and I've got the flu coming on and was feeling awful. DS played happily for a while with another child at the bead table, then brought me a book and wanted me to read it to him. This other child then started bringing me other books and demanding I read those instead of the one that my DS wanted me to read to him. I was getting pretty annoyed, and feeling like crap and didn't really want to have to amuse someone else's child. The mother made a bit of an attempt to take him away, but he was straight back and climbed up in the same seat as DS next to him and squished him in to it. AIBU to think that this parent should have tried to keep her child close to her, particularly in a GP waiting room? I don't know why they were there, her child could have been contagious and might make DS sick with whatever had."

[FastForward2]

Trioo I think there are some behaviours which are socially unacceptable even if harmless, i.e. the bald head thing. The odd behaviours I see are skipping, doing homework on the hall floor next to where school bag was dumped, talking to self, poor language skills, obsession with even numbers, rules etc. Should have made this clear in my post.

Like you I think I would have calmly stopped the head patting with a direct, often repeated, easy to understand, instruction/rule. But the sitting next to another child to listen to a story aged 3 is not really in that category imho. They probably do this all the time at nursery.

If either child had suspected serious infection likely to be transmitted by sitting on same chair for 5 minutes, you might ask the respective parent to remove said child, but the risk of this is low imho. More likely to pick up germs from the shared bead toy. I would try to keep the peace in a dr waiting room for the benefit of all patients, so op handled it well by ensuring her child did not force the choice of book, but also avoiding potential tantrum by knowing when to let it go.

[MorrisZapp]

I think asking other parents 'is he bothering you?' is a bit of a cop out, sorry. They're not going to say yes, they would feel ridiculous.

Hardly the end of the world, especially given the young ages of the kids involved, but in general you do have to assume the other parent finds your kid annoying unless they actively say or demonstrate otherwise.

[MorrisZapp]

Sorry, I don't mean your child in particular OP! I mean all our kids in general. Annoying very much the default setting at that age.

[antimatter]

My kids are teenagers but if this happened to me when they were little I would include your son in our activity.

I honestly didn't realise that this behaviour is associated with ASD.

I think some people may find it unusual but children are learning to live in society and it takes them some time to lear ALL appropriate behaviours.

If you were to try to discipline him and he had a melt down I would have thought he is unwell and therefore unresponsive. I would not judge you or your son.

[MrsJackReacher]

Can I just say that if your child has ASD (as mine does) sometimes you really don't want to announce it to a whole doctors' surgery (or any other public place). It's hard enough to find the appropriate way to tell friends.

[Supervet]

I have read stories and played with toys with many children who aren't my own in doctors surgeries, hospitals and waiting rooms over the years. Even now dd is older and almost a teen I still seem to attract random children who think I would love to read the Gruffalo or such.

Does not bother me in the slightest.

[DimpleHands]

My DS is autistic too although only 2 so I haven't quite got to this point!

It's great that your DS is so sociable!

I think if I were the other mother and you tried to distract him and, if it didn't work, said a quick "sorry, he has autism", I wouldn't have minded a bit and would have read him the story he wanted! It's good for other NT children to learn acceptance and inclusion of those with special needs .

[Shakirasma]

A big part of ASD is that picking up on social rules doesn't develop naturally, they have to be taught. So you do need to start looking into ways to do this, and be more proactive about these situations despite the consequences. It will pay off in the long term.

As far as explaining that he has autism to strangers, this is something I avoid doing in front of my son unless absolutely necessary. He is not deaf and, like most autistic people, "understands" aka misunderstands, a lot more than he is given credit for. He may not understand what autism is but he would grasp that he is being talked about and labelled different. That's no good for his self esteem.

[5madthings]

Aww op I think you did the right thing, you tried to distract when he was being a bit bossy over the choice of books but he was sat quietly listening. I would have just included him in the story.

Also my ds2 has had lots of hospital appointments recently, I have had to take dd (4) with us. I take snacks and toys etc lots of other kids have come across to see what she was playing with, I have encouraged her to show/share etc and she has ways then said goodbye to her new friend as we left or they did. I am quite happy to interact with kids etc when out, I am that crazy lady that will offer to hold your baby of its crying and you are looking frazzled etc.

[guggenheim]

Agree with 5madthings. My ds regularly attaches himself to other families,he's a cheerful boy and so far no one has been offended. We haul him back fairly pronto but if the family are happy for him to play with their group then we leave it. As a poster said upthread,his anxiety is the issue not a few quirky behaviours.

Ds thinks that everyone loves him which has been rather lovely to watch since he started school. He has no filter which sorts his classmates into friend/ not friend- he likes them all and treats them with equal respect.

I worry about stranger danger when he's older though just because he lacks the social filter. Personally I wouldn't sweat it about the woman at the dr's surgery. I'd rather a bossy 3 yr old than the 10 adults with the hacking cough.

[Gileswithachainsaw]

Personally I wouldn't sweat it about the woman at the dr's surgery. I'd rather a bossy 3 yr old than the 10 adults with the hacking cough

that's a rather selfish thing to say tbh. shows a complete lack of thought as to what anyone else could be going through. and whereas it's done now and can't be un done and chances are no harm was done but next time I think op should consider others.

[Superexcited]

I would have stepped in and removed my child but that's because I have a child with ASD and I am well aware that another child invading his space could cause him to lash out. You have no way of knowing if this other child had any issues and was struggling with your son being in his space. To save your son from potential injury you should intervene if the other child / parent are not actively returning his attempt at interaction. If they willingly engage him and say it isn't a problem then leave him be.