Not to Stop Autistic DS?

[LadyNym]

My eldest DS will be three next week and he's currently going through an ASD diagnosis. One of the many traits he displays is being inappropriate in social situations and becoming immediately attached and obsessed with random strangers. I'm often at a bit of a loss as to how to handle this since he's not being 'naughty' or nasty or anything...just 'inappropriate'. I'm also often not sure when he's being inappropriate because of the ASD and when he's simply being a child. I know many NT children who overstep social boundaries!

The most recent example was when we were in the GP's waiting room. A mother and her son came in. The boy was a little older than DS (probably around four). He played at the bead table with my DSs for a couple of minutes then decided to take his mum a book for her to read to him. DS decided he would copy this behaviour and took over another book and gave it to the other mum. She was a little bemused and I tried to distract him but when he's set on something it's hard to stop him without a meltdown. Then he took another book and then a few more and started trying to dictate to the poor woman which book she should read, which she didn't seem especially happy about. I stepped in and managed to get him back to where my mum, my other DS and I were sitting but it didn't last long and DS went back to his new 'friend' (the boy hadn't said a word to him but DS is convinced everyone he meets is his friend).

At this point he started listening to the book being read (I had offered to read to him several times but he wasn't interested)...and then climbed up onto the seat next to the boy to better see/hear. This was a single seat so even with them both being small children it was a bit of a squeeze but since the boy didn't seem particularly uncomfortable I just left DS to it rather than intervening, which would have probably resulted in screaming and kicking etc. We were called in for our appointment a few minutes later.

So, was I unreasonable for not stopping DS? Would you expect a mum to step in if her child was acting in this way or would you think nothing of it?

[GraysAnalogy]

I would have removed my child and tried to engage him. I know it's difficult, but if the woman looked uncomfortable she shouldn't have to put up with it.

[Chattymummyhere]

I think you should of removed him. You had no idea why they needed to be at the doctors or how the other child would react.

My DD would of more than likely shoved your son off the sit as she does not like her personal space invaded and is barely verbal due to delay. She will play nicely on her terms but if she walks away she no longer wants to interact with you.

My son would also become shy and withdrawn with a random child following him around.

Plus if I'm at the doctors I don't want to be hassles by tag a longs and make sure mine don't bother other people so would expect parents to be making sure their children are not bugging others. I expect children to have meltdowns at being told to sit nicely and not scream and shout and run around at times. I would be more understanding of your child screaming than bugging my child or me.

[TheIronGnome]

When I've looked after young children with ASD, I've often taken the approach of 'would it be acceptable if they were 10'? (within reason and beyond physical capability) If the answer is no, then I would step in. NT children 'grow out' of behaviours in an entirely different way to SEN children- the two are really not comparable, as saucy said- what's cute in a toddler is not in an older child and there can be no assumption that the child will be able to figure it out as they grow up.

[50shadesofmeh]

id have stepped in to be honest , the earlier you deal with this the better i think as soon he won't be a toddler and you need to try create boundaries. id have appreciated you saying ' sorry, let me know if he is bothering you ' if i was the other mother.

[DidoTheDodo]

I wouldn't have been happy. I cherish my personal space and boundaries and get very anxious if they are breached. I'm another one who isn't keen on other people's children as a general rule. I would also wonder why the parent wasn't making any attempt to stop it.

[cricketballs]

I haven't read the whole thread but from my point of view, I would start 'training' about strangers asap.

My ASD DS (16) also has no concept of boundaries and I have found that in terms of keeping him safe as he gets older, whilst it is not the norm for him, I have had to 'train' him to not talk to people he doesn't know. It isn't instant and you do have to cope with the melt downs (we still get the odd issue now), but just as ASD DC like consistency this also rings true for these situations.

We have taken the point of thinking about his adult life and being able to cope without one of us there as the long term goal rather than the short term of not having a melt down

[insanityscatching]

I wouldn't mind reading to another child but had I had ds or dd with me I would have been stressed out. When ds was younger he would have attacked anyone he perceived to be in his personal space and he wouldn't have shared a book with anyone.
It's very difficult because I have been a parent who has asked another to take their child away because I could see that ds was annoyed and he would have hurt him. In one instance the parent wasn't terribly happy but she would have been more unhappy had ds lashed out as he had no self restraint.
I'm pretty fortunate though as we have an understanding GP who sees ds before or after surgery and so we avoid this.

[Mrsjayy]

I probably would have read to him sounds really cute however all you can do is take him away apologised other parents sometimes dont know how to react to other peoples kids so its up to you to judge if he is bothering people

[Littleen]

If I was the other mum, I'd probably be uncomfortable in this situation, and very pleased if you'd removed your child.

[MistressDeeCee]

He's only little, Id have included him without even giving it deep thought. I wouldn't know he was autistic anyway..to me children display random behaviours this is just one of them. I really don't like to be huffy and abrupt with children..they're only little and just exploring the world in their own way. Adults bother me far more

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

LadyNym

I do think you need to think about your strategies to deal with these situations especially in an enviroment where other people might be feeling uncomfortable or worried e.g. a doctor's surgery.

When DS2 (NT) was a toddler he went through a phase of pushing or biting people who invaded his personal space. Clearly we dealt with it firmly but if your DS had squeezed up next to him at that age he might well have reacted badly. Usually we could spot the danger signals but that might have meant I said to your DS "no you can't sit there, sit on that chair instead." How would he have responded to that? How would he have responded if the Mother had said no to reading and told him to go back to you?

If I was reading out loud to my DC in a cafe and other children came to listen - great. If the DC are playing football in the park and other children join in I love it as I can sit down and leave them to it. However, if I was sitting in a doctor's surgery with DS2 when he was little and had yet another one of his bouts of chronic tonsillitis where he was overheated and grumpy and I had been up half the night dealing with a feverish vomiting toddler I might be less accommodating.

[MrsNextDoor]

Fanjo I have issues with personal space owing to past assaults. So yes, I do have to force myself.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

It's nice to accept and include people, yes. But wish that didn't seem to include having to "man up" is all.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

You shouldn't have to "force yourself to relax" around people with LDs In a swimming pool. They aren't like rampaging wild animals about to come and assault you

[zazzie]

I would not be happy with ds( severe lesrning difficulties and asd)has being allowed to behave like that when on a trip out with his sn school. Not the words but the continual pestering of other people. I would expect his teachers to stop it as I would.

[MrsNextDoor]

Pantone it's always uncomfortable in situations like that...DH was in the swimming baths with DD and a lady was there as carer for a young man who was at least 6.4 and well built...he was very interested in DH and DD and as he had quite severe LDs he was a bit alarming to DD as he was shouting and splashing....but DH happens to be very relaxed as a person so relaxed I sometimes worry he will fall asleep whilst walkingand just accepted him...the carer said to DD "He's very big and loud but he means no harm." and DH and DD played ball with him and his carer....we have to try our best to include EVERYONE in life no matter what or where the situation....I don't know if I'd have been as relaxed as Dh but I'm glad he was as I'd rather my DDs learn to accept everyone in life just as they are.

[Superexcited]

pantone you are right that the carers should have moved the boy so he could not touch your baby, however, it is unlikely that they could have prevented him from shouting out about you breast feeding as people with autism don't conform to social norms and often just say exactly what they are thinking or can see (and they say it loudly and repeatedly).
They should never let the boy go around touching peoples babies though even if he means no harm.
Unfortunately if a person with autism (particularly those with associated learning difficulties) had to be removed from a situation every time they shouted something that caused embarrassment to others they would never go anywhere or do anything.

[Mermaidhair]

If I was the mother and I was having a good day I wouldn't have minded. But if I was at the Drs due to something bad I would not have liked it one bit. You don't know why the woman was there, if she was looking annoyed you should have moved your child.

[zazzie]

I don't think the op's situation is anything like the one you have just described. I agree that what you have described is not acceptable and the adults caring for the child should have put a stop to it.

[Pantone363]

All my DC are NT so ignore at will but yes I would step in. It's acceptable in a small child, not so much in a teenager. A few weeks back I was in McD with DS and feeding a newborn. The local SN school were there after swimming/or in a trip I'm not sure. One lad would not leave me alone. Leaning in an inch from my breast when I was feeding, shouting loudly that I was "letting a baby suck on my titty". Every time his teacher moved him away he came back and sat down next to me and starting asking about the baby and touching her. He must have been about 12. It was very uncomfortable for me and DS.

[zazzie]

My son doesn't like others in his personal space and may lash out without any warning, particularly in a stressful situation like at the doctors. You need to be careful about that. If he didn't lash out it would still make him very anxious.

[Whatamuckingfuddle]

If you were in the room, presumably ready to step in if anyone looked uncomfortable then no issue. Obviously it's difficult to judge, I would probably encourage a child to join in as I think it's good for my DC to learn to include others and treat everyone the same

[EveryPenny1]

I have a ds with ASD it's hard but you do need to try and address the inappropriate behavious asap, the longer you leave it the harder it will be. Something that is cute at 5 can be a nightmare at 13! I have a very cooperative GP surgery and if I explain ds difficulties they will try and arrange an appointment at a quieter time, sometimes a little forward planning makes things easier.

[Impala77]

I agree with some other posts, not all mothers would know about autism.
Also as another poster said just because you have kids yourself doesn't mean you instantly "like" everyone else's kids.
To be frank I hated kids till I had my dd, so I do my best to stop her bothering others as I know how annoying it can be to a non kid lover lol