To think most men look at figure first?

[welliesinthespring]

I have been trying to meet somebody, and haven't been very at all successful.

Racking my brains trying to think of why and I have to admit all the women I know who get snatched up have lovely figures - slim and toned and long legs.

AIBU? Or is there something in this?

Iv been attractive to men when fat and thin, if you have a nice smile then that is a great start.
People arent gonna spend their whole lives of an relationship talking at your arse/boobs.
You're probably just lacking confidence and that is essential in life.

you can make yourself feel sexy you dont need someone else to do that even if it is nice to have.

You probably dont need to lose weight and if you want to it doesnt need to be a stone, a couple kg makes a massive difference.

Maybe have a wardrobe change, play with your hair/make up and when you feel good you will dazzle people with you confidence and smile.

Yes men do prefer women with a nice figure, as in general these women have confidence!

Ive gone from a size 28 down to a size 14 and got my hourglass figure back. I did it for me and feel more confident as a result. Ive got small shoulders a small back (my 34 back size bras are getting too big so im dropping into a 32) but my breasts are HH. I can never seem to lose weight off them Small waist (i have a fitted size 12 skirt i can get into) then my hips come out and i think my arse is big but others tell me it isnt.

IME older men seem to be attracted to my type of figure which is fine by me as i prefer older men anyway.

The sort of men who the media tell me i should be attracted to do NOTHING for me at all. As in Clooney Pitt etc. I like a man to look a bit more lived in and also have developed a thing for red headed men. Actor Chris Larkin looks much more interesting to me than Clooney Pitt Depp etc.

I dont mind a bit of weight on a man. An ex of mine was as ive described and there was amazing chemistry between us.

it was a pull.....a connection....pure sexual chemistry and it was the same for him.

OP, the issue here is confidence - not what you look like.

Well think of what you look for in a man and how much that differs from what your friends look for. I like dark hair, dark eyes, broad shoulders and for some bizarre reason, slightly wonky teeth. I'm not into muscles really, I don't mind them but it's not something that wows me. My best friend likes big arms, a six pack, model looks... Very different to me.

Men are the same. Some of them like their women very slim/athletic, others slim with curves and some guys like bigger women!

I remember reading a survey that said something like 85% of men like their women with long hair and I felt sad because I just don't really suit long hair, I've always suited it best just above the shoulders. It's never put a guy off! I dated a guy in my teens that liked his women with a shaven head! Granted, he was a punk and yes I shaved my head for him .

The point I'm clumsily making is yes, men will notice your figure but don't think it will necessarily put them off just because you aren't a size 10 or lower! They all like very different things. Confidence is ultimately key.

And YY to Helena. Clooney, Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp and all the other stereotypical men women are supposed to be all over do NOTHING for me either. Some men will be the same. They might appreciate the attractiveness of someone like Scarlett Johansson but she doesn't really do anything for them iykwim.

Well, I don't think it's confidence. After all, with OD no one csn 'see' how confident you are. As an experiment, my friend out the same,e stuff in her profile as me. She had loads of messages, I had none.

And people keep talking about big women and men who fancy them and I know some men are drawn to women who are big, but I don't fall into that category either.

I did online dating for one night and I deleted the account the next day as cba with the winks likes n messages when they probably just looked at my pic, , which was a headshot and im no typical hottie.

What I mean is I dont want or need validation from randoms off the internet.
you should ditch od for a while and just focus on yourself, if you dont feel attractive or confident etc you will be giving off that vibe.
Its not all about looks, do you really want someone so shallow?

If you meet the right someone in rl they will love you and will be attracted to you.

OP I just read your posts to my DH. He agrees that lack of confidence is the issue: he says "the something she is missing is that she has no self-esteem or self-belief".

Look at how you are talking about yourself. Would you ever be that unkind about anyone else? Do you really want to appeal to a man who only cares about a particular kind of figure?

My advice to you is to stop trying and focus on falling in love with yourself first. You need to like and value yourself - right now you don't, and others are picking up on that.

I used to think I was ugly and had to take anyone who would have me. When I learned to value myself, others followed suit.

no your not right.

agree with shodan, and I have the most stunning freinds still on shelf at 40. I do mean drop dead beauties.

I really dislike the phrase 'on the shelf'.

Actually the best way to find someone is to stop looking.

Just stop.

And do other things, lots of socializing but no weighing someone up as suitable / interested or not.

Once the panicky desperate look is gone from your eyes you will make some friends. Then finding a man will not be important.

Decide to stop looking for 6 months. Phew, what a relief, now you can relax and be yourself.

I hope I'm not being critiqued by anyone who knows me, for possible reasons why I don't date, even though I'm very attractive, some people are happy and fulfilled, although, single.

If I did want to meet someone, I'd have no other way of doing it except Online, we don't all have opportunities in RL.

I agree that it's Important to have good self esteem, so work on that, or you will put up with arsehole behaviour.

I like a Phil Mitchell type of man, so I agree that attractive is subjective.

OP examine were you get your self worth from and build on that.

Perhaps, for dating purposes, you will need a image overhaul, but that depends on what you want.

Camping is important to me, so a man who wants constant nails/hair done, can do one.

Have you identified exactly what you want and what you want out of dating/relationship.

OP men are people. Just treat them as that. They're not a separate species, they mostly don't go around with a 'shopping list' of physical attributes they're seeking (in fact I'd be rather wary of any that did) - and they're not all the same.

What I think that men - and women, too - really do value in any kind of relationship is a person who seems to be taking a genuine interest in them. If you're worrying about yourself and about being unattractive (whatever that might mean - there simply are no rules that anyone has to conform to) then you're not thinking about anyone else. That's not going to help you form friendships with anyone, of any gender. So, in the nicest possible way, stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about - and responding to - all the people you meet in everyday life. At the same time, develop your own interests and enjoy life as much as you can. That will make you happier, even without a man.

As earlier posters have said, be pleasant, friendly, smiling, confident. Be nice to know! Look your best, but don't fret about it. Show an interest in the people you meet; ask them about themselves/their job/ their interests/their holidays etc etc. Share experiences - even a commonplace remark about the weather, when accompanied with a lovely smile and a sympathetic attitude, can open up a conversation.

I dont think its figure.
I had a good figure. Bmi around 19-20. Large chest. So better than most friends at uni.
But our confident, fun, smiley, outgoing, flat- chested slightly chubbier friend, with a very pretty face attracted every single one of the boys we knew.
My conclusion, unfortunately its harder to change personality than looks.
To me your bmi seems relatively high (im 8m pg with a similar bmi).
You may improve your confidence/rule out this issue if you lose that half a stone.
They cant see your figure on online dating- or can they?

Agree Birds I would not be impressed if my friends described me as being inexplicably 'on the shelf'. I am positively and pro-actively single at 40, and happy to stay that way. Not that I wouldn't date, but he (or she) would have to seriously knock my socks off for me to consider making room in my life for another person.

It may be true that some men will prefer one body type/ look over another. But I think it's more accurate to say that most men will consider the "whole package".

Speaking for myself (male), when I think of the women I've dated or had crushes on, each has been attractive in her own way. Some have been small and thin, some enormous. However, I would say that the ones I was keenest on were those who could clearly give and take affection. I think this is why confidence and approachability are so important.

wellies

I don't agree. I think it's perfectly possible, inevitable in fact, for an OD profile pic to show character traits.

And there is no avoiding plain bad luck of course. I've never used OD, but the anecdotes I read would put me off if I were wanting a date.