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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think most men look at figure first?

93 replies

welliesinthespring · 24/05/2015 15:19

I have been trying to meet somebody, and haven't been very at all successful.

Racking my brains trying to think of why and I have to admit all the women I know who get snatched up have lovely figures - slim and toned and long legs.

AIBU? Or is there something in this?

OP posts:
florascotia · 24/05/2015 17:19

OP - just be yourself and be (as the French say) 'happy in your own skin'. Don't put yourself down by comparing yourself to others. And, as earlier posters have said, get on with your own life and follow your own interests. If it helps, I met my DH many years ago at a protest meeting about local transport ishoos - about as unromantic as it gets. But we both cared about the topic in hand and one thing led to another ....

WindMeUpAndLetMeGo · 24/05/2015 17:21

First thing I noticed about DH was his looks, He had/has what I like. He says the first thing he noticed about me was my confidence. We are all different, but personally if the physical attraction isn't there from the beginning its never going to work.

drudgetrudy · 24/05/2015 17:33

Agree with flora that you are more likely to meet someone for a long term relationship while following your own interests.

Tryharder · 24/05/2015 17:37

I think men are more likely to admire or say they fancy a woman with a good figure.

But to actually ask out.....IME, the women that are most popular with men are girl next door types, even a little mousy and plain, average figures, not fat but not thin etc

The most stunning woman I ever knew personally just attracted complete arses.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 24/05/2015 17:52

It's the situation as well. My DD works in a nightclub taking photographs, so she has to open conversation and be chatty and friendly with people. She says loads of guys take it as a chat up opportunity even though she is there in jeans and T shirt looking low key and working, while lots of glamourous girls are all around. It's all about approachability.

Original poster
welliesinthespring · 24/05/2015 18:04

Shodan, I tend to think a lot of relationships are established when people are quite young and more likely to be attractive. Of course, as time goes on, people fall in love with the whole package and then gained weight, wrinkles, and so on just aren't important. But to initially attract somebody I think you must have something.

OP posts:
carabos · 24/05/2015 18:04

What men find attractive / sexy in a woman is often quite different from what women think is attractive. I'm the sort of woman who other women think is attractive / pretty, but I know that men don't think I'm sexy iyswim. I would struggle to get a date if I was in the pool I think. Certainly would struggle to get a second date Grin.

I think it's true that men are interested in friendly, approachable looking women and they really don't look at clothes and stuff. They want to think they're likely to succeed, not get rejected.

WasabiMonster · 24/05/2015 18:04

I was moaning to a friend of mine recently about the distinct lack of male attention I receive. She put it down to the fact that i don't wear tight clothes. She is right in that I tend to wear shift type dresses and tops that cover my arse when wearing jeans or skirts etc. I'm slim (10/12 size) so not hiding anything, it just feels more comfortable. She wears tight clothes and gets a lot more attention than me.

drudgetrudy · 24/05/2015 18:05

I have a friend who is a real pocket Venus with a pretty face as well. She has attracted men alright-but they have been a*holes.
She has been cleared out financially twice and messed around no end.
She is now in her 60s-on her own and feels the loss of her youth much more keenly than her more ordinary looking friends.

Quality is better than quantity and very beautiful women have to be very discerning and weed out superficial types.

Mind you -they can target plainer women thinking they'll be grateful for the attention so we all need to be discerning!

fishdishwish · 24/05/2015 18:12

Speaking as a bloke, I'd value personality over looks every time.

I'm overweight myself, and haven't had much dating success, but I'm pretty shy and geeky. If I'm honest, I think weight is less important for either sex when you're confident about yourself (James Corden is surely an example of this).

Original poster
welliesinthespring · 24/05/2015 18:13

It's not just weight I am talking about, though. You can change your weight up to a point. I'm talking about normal or slightly over BMI but horrible body anyway!

OP posts:
DinosaursRoar · 24/05/2015 18:16

I actually think men are just as likely as woman to look a the whole package, and yes, body shape is part of that package.

But another part of that package is confidence and sexiness is rarely about what someone thinks about you, but what you think about yourself. That you are lacking in confidence might mean you are giving off an air of being uninterested in the opposite sex or lacking in confidence.

Look at Nigella Lawson, she doesn't have a 'perfect' figure and isn't 21 anymore, but oozes sex appeal and clearly knows she's a bit of a fox. That confidence is sexy in men and woman.

DinosaursRoar · 24/05/2015 18:19

oh and OP, if you aren't massively overweight, then most figure issues can be fixed with decent shaping underwear - my norks sag like anything since having 2DCs, not obviously different to anyone other than DH as he's the only one who gets to see them free from strctural undergarnments.

It is unlikely you really have a 'horrible' body compared to other woman your age, it could just be you lack confidence.

Original poster
welliesinthespring · 24/05/2015 18:19

I think she does have a gorgeous figure to be honest - yes, she's curvy but she's shapely. :)

I am just wondering why I don't meet anyone! Which sounds so very boo-hoo, poor me, and I don't mean it to, but obviously you do wonder, don't you?

OP posts:
Original poster
welliesinthespring · 24/05/2015 18:21

Unfortunately I do dinosaurs, I'm not proportioned very well. I could stand to lose a stone but I'm not 'fat' per se. I'd probably concede to 'plump'. If I lost half a stone I'd have a BMI of 24.9.

So I wonder if I'm just really ugly but I'm sure I'm not - I am confident I'm not ugly. Just ordinary looking.

So I guess it must be related to my figure?

OP posts:
DinosaursRoar · 24/05/2015 18:23

Wellies - but Nigella in some clothing clearly doesn't have a flat stomach, she doesn't have good tops of arms, but she dresses very well for her figure (and I'm pretty sure goes down the spanx route to smooth down a belly). The fact is, you look at someone who's dressed their body very well and think she has an amazing figure, but I bet in a bikini you might not think the same about her.

Too many woman get to their late 30s post DCs and try to dress in a way that suited their bodyshape when they were 18.

confidence, some woman walk in like they know they are the sexiest woman in the room, most people will believe them.

Mide7 · 24/05/2015 18:30

Hopefully this will work I might have messed it up but I think this a really good point. I mentioned it to a female colleague of my the other day with regards to the stuff in the media about that protein work advert. Women make a huge deal about a certain look, tall slim whatever. When in actual fact men find a whole range of different body types/ hair length/ general looks attractive. I guess the same way different women find different types of men attractive.

FlabulousChix · 24/05/2015 18:32

Looks do attract first it's personalities though that keep people together. I guess we all have a type we favour

crayola8 · 24/05/2015 18:33

self confidence, able to put people at their ease and fun to be with.Men really are not that fussy about all the things women imagine them to be!

ArgyMargy · 24/05/2015 18:37

I can't believe no-one has mentioned breasts! The women I know who are well endowed ALWAYS get the most attention.

Lweji · 24/05/2015 18:38

I know lots of women who got married, and seemingly happy.
They range from the very thin to the obese.

If you want to lose weight, do it for you. Not to get in a relationship.

Your lack of confidence may be a greater obstacle, but it is also down to some luck in finding a compatible person. Eventually we are likely to find one.

SaucyJack · 24/05/2015 18:43

I think most men and women tend to fancy people that they find physically attractive in some way. This is not front page news- let's be honest.

It's not just about thinness tho. Some men like big boobs. Some men like blue eyes. Some men brunettes.

If you're not confident about your figure (and you sound perfectly pleasantly-upholstered btw) then find something you do like and make more of a feature out of that.

And there's always make-up and Wonderbras if all else fails.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 24/05/2015 18:52

Never mind size 0. The sexiest thing to men is confidence!. Please do not underestimate it.
Yes I am size 26 but I am never short of male attention. My dp loves it. His attitude is all the men want you and I've got you.
So if I ever get bored with dp. Form an orderly queue guys.Grin.
So no not all men like skinny women. Some do some don't. Like women have. Certain type. The world would not circulate if we All liked the sAme thing and all looked like clones of each other.
If you have curves embrace them.
Every one. No matter what their size hAs full entitlement to feel good about who and what they are

NorahDentressangle · 24/05/2015 18:56

If you go out avoiding people's gaze as you are convinced you are not dateable I would think you are guaranteed success, in not getting chatted up that is.

I went on POF to try to prove a point that the plunging cleavage with pouting lips and head tilted to a provocative position-look, adopted by many women, would not be that attractive to men.

I posted a photo of me in a kagoul, no make up, pretending to dig the garden and got about 11 responses, 3 of which seemed genuine. Men are scared off by the 'stunning model' look imo, just look normal and friendly .

Original poster
welliesinthespring · 24/05/2015 18:57

Got precisely nowhere with POF :)

There's definitely something wrong with me.

OP posts: