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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DH and I are too mentally unwell to have children.

57 replies

AliceScarlett · 23/05/2015 22:42

DH and I have just turned 30, we have a good relationship, stable jobs, good savings, our own home, supportive network of family and friends. Sounds like about the right time to think about starting a family.

But. He is a drug addict (he's doing incredibly well after rehab and has over a year sober). I have PTSD. For the last year things have been ticking along OK. He's a different person since rehab, very calm, sensible, capable. I have days when I feel pretty anxious, occasionally irritable and I struggle with being underweight (not anorexia, but not far off). But generally we are happy, settled people now.

I really want children, but the last thing I want to do is expose them to our crazy. 2 years ago I was in a psych ward and he was off his face constantly. We have about 6 suicide attempts between us, can't count the amount of times we have been in A&E, etc, etc.

I think hormones are kicking in, I feel really broody. I'm finding it hard to accept we are too ill for kids. I think a load of parents telling me it's not worth the risk would be helpful. The risk is high, but it's selfishly, horribly tempting to let myself dream about or plan being being a mum in the future. Maybe we have grown up and out of it.... But the fact I put a maybe in that sentence tells me all I need to know really. Little lives are not worth risking are they? Just for my selfish wish to have a baby.

OP posts:

WishIwasanastronaut · 23/05/2015 22:48

Wow! I have so much respect for you to consider this so deeply.

Sadly, I am tempted to agree that it might be better to wait a while to see how things pan out.

How old are you?

3littlefrogs · 23/05/2015 22:48

My thoughts are that you should both talk this through with someone appropriately qualified.

Mumsnet is a fantastic place, but your situation is really complex and difficult.

I have personal experiences that colour my views, but I don't want to share those here because I think you do need professional, impartial advice.

WishIwasanastronaut · 23/05/2015 22:48

Oh you're both early 30s.... You've got time on your sides

Babyroobs · 23/05/2015 22:49

I would wait a few years. Having kids can put you both under enormous stress and pressure, especially if things don't quite go to plan. Things like the stress of a premature birth,an ill baby, months of no sleep, pnd can all put strain on a relationship.

peachypips · 23/05/2015 22:50

Man that's so tough. I have two kids and a host of mental health problems. I try and sheild them from what I can, and we just say that mummy is ill when I'm upstairs have bad days.
I don't know what to say, but I know that parents with MH probs can be just as wonderful parents as anyone else.
My advice would be:
Leave it another year or two to get some more distance from your DH's recovery date.
Seek some mental health care (if you haven't already) for your own issues- you can take meds in pregnancy
Contact your local perinatal mental health team so that you can put everything in place to support you having a mentally healthy pregnancy and post natal period
Consider only having one or two kids
All the best- let me know if you need anything.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 23/05/2015 22:50

It's a huge source of stress so it might be worth seeing how you both cope with other stresses? Sorry if that's a really obvious thing to say, but sometimes you can look back at how you coped with something and it shows you how you both get on much more than the easy, happy times.

pigwitch · 23/05/2015 22:50

You seem sensible. Wait. Babies are a lot of stress.

Shirleycantbe · 23/05/2015 22:51

Oh my heart goes out to you! There are never any guarantees when it comes to being a parent and none of us is perfect. You are obviously very thoughtful and aware when it comes to your current situation.

My gut feeling would be to leave it a year and see how you both are doing - but I am no expert.

Good luck, I think you have the potential to be a wonderful parent.

dietcokeandwine · 23/05/2015 22:51

Oh OP that sounds so hard. But I think you have to trust your instinct on this one. It doesn't sound like it would be a great time for you have a baby now.

But on the plus side you are still very young. Time is on your side. Can you give it a couple of years and then think again? And consider going for it at that point if you are stable, DH has remained clean etc?

Charlotte3333 · 23/05/2015 22:51

I think only you and your DH can truly make an informed opinion on this. Only you know if you're willing to forego children, and only you know what that would do to you.

I will say this. Plenty of people with difficult pasts/childhoods go on to be spectacular parents. Plenty of people with spectacular childhoods go on to be fuck-awful parents. Your awareness of your issues, your DH's sobriety, your willingness to consider this as rationally as you can before jumping in with both feet are all positives on your side. Do you and DH have counsellors/close friends/family you could talk these decisions through with? People who could offer you some advice who know you personally? It sounds an incredibly difficult decision.

Rudawakening · 23/05/2015 22:52

You're still young and have time yet. I'd not rule it out ever but a year isn't a long time and I thinnk from what you've out you've both come a long way in that time and maybe in another year you'd be more settled and confident that the past is in the past. It must be still very real and raw.

I too admire the fact that you've even considered this, I think that in itself is very healthy as not that many people are so self aware.

Theknacktoflying · 23/05/2015 22:53

I don't think there is ever the right time to have kids and from personal experience, the things I thought would be big weren't and blindsided by a lot.

I agree with 3little frogs - You need to get advice from those better able to help you and your husband

BigBirthdayGloom · 23/05/2015 22:53

Don't rule it out, but give it a while. Having children is amazing but all consuming and stressful.

500Decibels · 23/05/2015 22:55

I also think you need to talk to someone about this.
Having a baby is really stressful which could impact on either or both of your and your dhs mental health.
When you do feel ready for it, you need to consider all the support you have available to you and utilise it.

madreloco · 23/05/2015 22:56

The fact that you are considering it all so carefully is a good sign. But yes, it would seem to make sense to continue the hard work and give your recovery longer before you make such a change. Having a baby can negatively affect the mental health of the strongest people, and you are young and have plenty of time.
Best of luck and well done.

Peaceloveandhobnobs · 23/05/2015 22:56

Hello I have PTSD and had a baby five months ago. Although I felt I was at the end of my recovery (I'd been discharged from services after fifteen years!) and was the most stable I'd ever been in my life, the hormones and the sleep deprivation made me reeeeally crazy again, and I was re-referred to the psychiatrist etc. I have a lot of professional support via the health visitor, GP, psychiatrist, children's centre, and a Homestart volunteer, but I could not have got this far without the support of my husband. He has really carried me through the sleepless nights and trouble feeding and the general hardness of having a tiny baby you are totally 100% responsible for. I don't have any family or friends locally, so without him I think I would have been hospitalised.
What I'm trying to say is that unless you have a very strong support network, having a baby might not be the best thing right now. It caused me to relapse and I felt (still feel sometimes) very guilty for bringing my baby into the world when I really struggle to care for him in the way I feel I should.
But with the right amount of support it could be the most amazing thing you ever do. I wouldn't be without my DS, he absolutely completes me, but I have some very, very dark days where I feel I can't cope at all.
You have to be very willing and ready to ask for professional help at the first instance, and keep a very close eye on yours and your partner's mental health.
Best wishes! It's scary, isn't it?

Original poster

AliceScarlett · 23/05/2015 23:00

I have therapy, the quest for self improvement seems never bloody ending. I don't think a trained professional (who is trained in whether people should have kids or not? ) would be able to say either way, but I really like the idea of talking to my therapist and our families about it.
You guys are also right about leaving it for a few years. Maybe with 3,4 years of stability the odds of it all going wrong are lessened.

OP posts:

Solasum · 23/05/2015 23:03

Respect, that you are looking at it so frankly.

There are a few things to think about before the baby arrives as well. When you are pregnant, you get 'fat'. Even if it is good 'fat', it goes on and on and on, and if you have form for borderline-anorexia, I think you would need a really strong support network around to help you deal with watching your body 'explode', and to keep eating all the same. I really hope I don't offend you by saying this .

Children are a full time job, and will take you to the reserves of your endurance. It makes sense to be as strong as you can beforehand. As PP have said, time is on your side. In your position I'd set a timescale, say 2 years, for you to focus on you, doing the things that are harder with kids in tow, travelling, sport, whatever. Then take stock and see.

Original poster

AliceScarlett · 23/05/2015 23:04

peaceloveandhobnobs, sorry to hear that you relapsed, fifteen years is a long time! Your right I would need to put things in place beforehand if we decided to ever go ahead and plan for the worst hope for the best kind of thing. Very glad your partner is supportive. See I think mine would struggle if I wasn't well - sigh-.

OP posts:

Original poster

AliceScarlett · 23/05/2015 23:06

solasum, I'm pretty much impossible to offend I hadn't thought about the mild ED stuff and pregnancy weight gain... Thank you, it's another thing to take into account.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 23/05/2015 23:08

I'd give it some time and also see someone more qualified.

expatinscotland · 23/05/2015 23:09

We have friends, a couple, and they decided in the end not to have them at all. She is a former heroin addict who has been clean for about 12 years, he has a number of mental health issues. It was hard, but now they are in their 40s they are satisfied with the decision.

Original poster

AliceScarlett · 23/05/2015 23:09

I'd only have one also, I used to be a nanny for 4 children... That put me off, gorgeous, but, no.

OP posts:

Original poster

AliceScarlett · 23/05/2015 23:12

expatinscotland Good to hear they came to terms with thier decision. I think that (again selfishly) worries me, growing up without kids / grandkids (DH and I are both only children so no nieces or nephews), eventually our parents will die and we won't have family apart from each other.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 23/05/2015 23:17

Well, there are never any guarantees when it comes to grandchildren and such. It's never a good idea to have children for that reason. But definitely give it some thought and go over it with professionals. For them, they just didn't want to risk what they worked to achieve, so fair enough.

You do have time on your side, thankfully.

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