To think DH and I are too mentally unwell to have children.

[AliceScarlett]

DH and I have just turned 30, we have a good relationship, stable jobs, good savings, our own home, supportive network of family and friends. Sounds like about the right time to think about starting a family.

But. He is a drug addict (he's doing incredibly well after rehab and has over a year sober). I have PTSD. For the last year things have been ticking along OK. He's a different person since rehab, very calm, sensible, capable. I have days when I feel pretty anxious, occasionally irritable and I struggle with being underweight (not anorexia, but not far off). But generally we are happy, settled people now.

I really want children, but the last thing I want to do is expose them to our crazy. 2 years ago I was in a psych ward and he was off his face constantly. We have about 6 suicide attempts between us, can't count the amount of times we have been in A&E, etc, etc.

I think hormones are kicking in, I feel really broody. I'm finding it hard to accept we are too ill for kids. I think a load of parents telling me it's not worth the risk would be helpful. The risk is high, but it's selfishly, horribly tempting to let myself dream about or plan being being a mum in the future. Maybe we have grown up and out of it.... But the fact I put a maybe in that sentence tells me all I need to know really. Little lives are not worth risking are they? Just for my selfish wish to have a baby.

Your post has made me so sad :(

i would love to say that it will be fine but nobody can.

I had terrible PND and it was tough. I was and am a good mother although i struggle with anxiety and rely on medication.

Having pre existing mh issues can make you more likely to get pnd and its not something id want to go through ever again.

BUT i agree with others who say to seek advice. You sound very switched on to yourselves and bloody well done to your dh for staying sober. knowing you are at risk gives you the opportunity to ensure the right support, possibly medication is in place. After all, as others have said, people with mh issues can and do make excellent parents. Whilst there are plenty of folk without issues can make shit ones.

I hope you get your family when the time is right - don't give up

I think you sound very self aware and both you and dh must be very determined and motivated to have come so far in overcoming your illnesses. I think you could make great parents but don't think you're at all unreasonable to consider waiting a couple of years to consolidate your recovery.

I have a history of severe depression and Eating Disorders including some suicide attempts and hospitsl admission
(Over ten years ago). Can honestly say that there has never been any suggestion of Social Services involvement or any question about my ability to care for my children. Parenting is challenging but I honestly don't think that I struggle more than others without my history. I did have the support of a perinatal mental health nurse during my first two pregnancies and afterwards. I also became very clued up on issues around medication during pregnancy and breastfeeding. I wonder whether there is a perinatal mental health team in your area and whether you meet the referral criteria? I would definitely advise you to access any help that is available to you for your ED. I became very unwell in that respect during my first pregnancy and hadn't anticipated that, naively thinking I would be able to eat 'for the baby'. I wonder whether it is just the weight criteria that makes you say you are not anorexic? I know that it's very easy to underestimate how ill you are.

I don't think you need to rule out becoming parents permanently but I think you're very sensible to plan and use all resources available to you to gain as much stability and solid recovery as you can first.

Just woke up to all your lovely messages. Thank you everyone. It means a lot. There is hope for the future, I don't need to write off being a mum completely just yet. God I love Mumsnet.

When thinking about who professionally would help you before conception, the perinatal mental health teams are brilliant (if you have one in your area). They have specialist midwives, nursery nurses, psychiatrists and CPNs.

They basically meet women with existing mental health problems and assist them in planning for the best possible outcome for you and the baby. They meet with you and make a plan for what medication is best, support you through the pregnancy and then work out what support you will need afterwards.

I had a care plan with DS2- that I would have a space in a specialist mother and baby unit if I had a bad relapse, where you get to stay with your baby and have support in the early days if things go wrong.

The teams are wonderful and make it possible for women who have existing issues to become mothers. It's such a bloody brilliant service. I know they work with women with eating disorders too.

I agree with the majority here. You have a good head on your shoulders, but give yourself a break. You are so young, take your time and reassess in a year. You are so conscious of what you see as your failings that you are already leagues ahead of many parents.

hello alicescarlett.its great that you are thinking of this before jumping straight in especially about your hubby,s drug habbit .my hubby has a mental illness diagnosed after i had children when they still babies .

I will be honest it has been hard coping with that as well as my son,s .so if you both vunreable sometimes it will be harder not impossible but certainly no picnic
.That said if you have good support then any thing is possible .
You are still young i would wait a few years and see how stable both your health problem,s are then decide .good luck for the future .

peachypips That sounds like a fantastic service. Definitely something I will push for if we do decide to go ahead and it is available in my area.