To think DH and I are too mentally unwell to have children.

[AliceScarlett]

DH and I have just turned 30, we have a good relationship, stable jobs, good savings, our own home, supportive network of family and friends. Sounds like about the right time to think about starting a family.

But. He is a drug addict (he's doing incredibly well after rehab and has over a year sober). I have PTSD. For the last year things have been ticking along OK. He's a different person since rehab, very calm, sensible, capable. I have days when I feel pretty anxious, occasionally irritable and I struggle with being underweight (not anorexia, but not far off). But generally we are happy, settled people now.

I really want children, but the last thing I want to do is expose them to our crazy. 2 years ago I was in a psych ward and he was off his face constantly. We have about 6 suicide attempts between us, can't count the amount of times we have been in A&E, etc, etc.

I think hormones are kicking in, I feel really broody. I'm finding it hard to accept we are too ill for kids. I think a load of parents telling me it's not worth the risk would be helpful. The risk is high, but it's selfishly, horribly tempting to let myself dream about or plan being being a mum in the future. Maybe we have grown up and out of it.... But the fact I put a maybe in that sentence tells me all I need to know really. Little lives are not worth risking are they? Just for my selfish wish to have a baby.

No one is perfect but to bring a child into the world requires a good level of stability, it is the hardest thing I have ever done. While my children are the most important little people in my life at times the demands of parenting feel relentless. As a mental health professional I feel you both need a long period of stability, several years without suicide attempts or trips to a&e or drug abuse. If you are very serious about this address your problems first then think about having a baby. I have seen what happens to children growing up in families where parents are drug addicts and making numerous attempts on their lives. Some of my patients who are now adults were once these children. Children don't grow up unaffected by this and often end up with problems of their own. Just think long and hard before you take this step.

I've deleted and typed out a load of times but none of them sound right.

You really should discuss this with your hcp about whether you'll be 'allowed' to keep any babies. I don't know how many a&e visits or suicide attempts would flag up ss (hopefully someone on here will be able to say facts I can't). A smite different but the young lady I care for will probably never be able or will face a battle to keep any babies she might have, but the attempts run into triple figures.

I'm not saying it'll be an issue for you and your personal set of circumstances though just something to consider so all bases are covered type of thing.

Good luck I hope everything works out.

Another excellent point, we have worked so hard to get this far. Pretty lucky to be alive, let alone be where we are now. Maybe I'm just asking for too much.

I'd be interested in what kind of professional... Counsellors generally don't tend to give advice, do you mean like a life coach? Social services?

I'll definitely be thinking long and hard. I also work in mental health now and can understand your concerns about bringing a child into an unstable home. You are right the more years of stability behind us the better.

Probably a psychiatrist or clinician in charge of your care, Alice.

Just sharing my experience. Pre children I suffered a lot with depression. Then infertility caused a pretty spectacular breakdown. I suffered post natal depression after both children which I managed with lots of support. And since then I haven't had a day of depression. Even through bad times, bereavement etc. I've been sad but normal sad not depressed if you know what I mean. I think in my case I just needed someone to be the best I could be for...and my babies are it!

gamerchick I never even considered SS would not let us keep the baby if it happened... I don't, even, lost for words. Could actually cry over that. Our medical records would flag up SS?

Another pat on the back for taking the responsibility seriously from me. And another vote for giving it a few years to shake down. I can only echo the stress that children bring. Problems are amplified. If you can work together and keep a steady ship then it can bring huge joy. Good luck.

CountryMummy1 Thanks for that good to hear your babies have helped you

No don't take it to heart.. My experience is extreme, I just want to point out an area that you may not have considered so if it comes to it it won't be a shock.

bring it up when you see your hcp and maybe from there a plan can form. Like I said your set of circumstances might be totally different and not an issue.

Alice - yes your medical history could possibly concern your GP enough to alert social services if you got pregnant but that by no means that you would even have a case opened, let alone not be allowed to keep the baby. Depends on how long since your DH got clean, what steps he is taken to maintain sobriety and your mental health support and how well that is working.
If you are both recovering and using support and treatment then it's so unlikely that they would open a case and if they did it would just be for a period of monitoring most likely.

Oh OK. Thanks guys, that makes sense. Probably wise on SS's side.

I think reassessing the situation when I turn 33 sounds wise. See how things are in 3 years time.

honestly, if i were you i would not have kids.
kids are soooooooooo stressful.

You must have been doing something right to have financial security at such a young age. I'm 31 and have none of the things you have listed in the beginning apart from a stable relationship.
You will probably be fine. Children aren't as hard as most people make out unless there is a disability. Otherwise human beings would never have survived.

It's not now or ever though.

You have established that you would like children, if your partner would also like children you consider the practicalities which as with every couple will be entirely unique - some have to consider their career, some have to consider the lack of practical support, some have to work out their finances, some have to deal with infertility, some have to deal with an absent or deceased partner or an abusive relationship, some have to deal with health problems - and each is vastly different to each family, sometimes there are multiple aspects to consider.

But for you right at this second it might not be the right fit for you it doesn't mean that you can't start to move forward with your treatments and healing and forging a new life that works for your respective needs - for him to continue with his recovery and you to mentally and physically prepare yourself for a potential child - you can address you potential eating disorder - get your body healthy for carrying a baby and speak to your gp about managing your PTSD - the fact you want a baby might be the big push that gets you both back on track - in a year or so you may well have addressed your issues, be a shining example of health and your Dh confident that he is successfully conquering his addiction that you are in the zone and the right place for a baby

I wouldn't set a time limit but maybe year on year reasses how things are, how you're both coping, any relapses etc.

A lot can change in a year or two. This time 2 years ago I'd given up on having kids, didn't think we could naturally and DH not sure he wanted them. We were living in a house we hated and generally not happy.

So we talked and decided that there were some things we could do to change things and others we would just have to live with. So we saved like mad, and sold our house massively reduced to cut our losses. We bought a lovely house and moved in earlier this year. Four weeks later I fell pregnant which was a massive surprise.

Just because things look a bit bleak now they won't always be so, change the things you can like continue to get help and be healthy and accept that right now there might be things you can't change like being a parent straight away.

Ive know many people with all those issues and more who have gone on to be fantastic parents with healthy happy children.

You have achieved some stability and have time to consolidate that. It is common for those kinds of issues to improve as people get older and hit their 30s.

Definitely plan any pregnancy and involve gp, hv, mental health team if you are under them.

I dont think you are selfish for wanting a baby. If so we all are!
Best of luck.

When I had my booking in appointment the midwife was very nosy and wanted to know how I came to have PTSD and personality disorders, and when she heard about my childhood experiences she immediately started talking about social services involvement. I was only 8 weeks pregnant!
However, the other midwives I came across, and the consultant I was under, were all far more understanding and supportive and appreciated that my past experiences did not put my baby at risk.
Having worked for social services in the past (children's services specifically), I can attest that they are there first and foremost to support you to keep your children. It is in extreme circumstances that children are removed from their parents, and you sound very engaged and self-aware, so I don't think you would be likely to let yourself get too unwell before seeking help. Don't be afraid of social services involvement, because they are there to support you. There are numerous suicide attempts and self harm episodes on my medical record, but they haven't ever been mentioned. I think the most concerning thing would be the possibility of your partner relapsing, but I am sure he has his own support network and is aware of when he needs to seek outside help to stay strong. I do tend to agree that waiting until his recovery has been stable for a bit longer would be very wise.
I was desperate for a baby for many years, but deliberately held on until I felt stable enough. I know how heartbreaking it is. You don't get any medals for waiting and doing things the right way, but you will be much happier in the long run.

I feel for you OP - I always wanted children but DH and I realised it would be the wrong thing to do due to complex mental health issues.

I've been a lot better since coming to terms with it but I'm not you. I think your short term goal needs to be getting yourselves as well as possible.

I think the fact that you are thinking so carefully about it now is such a good sign that you would be a great mother.

Another one saying there is no rush or any need to right yourself off as a parent just yet.

Do you have close friends and family involved on your every day lives? For me that would be important in your situation. Basically someone to tell you if things are in danger of going badly and to either pull you up on it or involve SS.

My DH has PTSD (he was discharged from the Army about 7 years ago) and I am currently 36 weeks pregnant.

It was a really hard decision for us to start ttc, especially as peaceloveandhobnobs has said, even though he is really stable and well at the moment, relapse tends to happen at times of stress and pressure. It took us nearly 4 years to decide to start trying.

We took advice and decided that the risks for us were worth it, he will have access to weekly appointments for the first few months so his psychiatrist can help him through and he is prepared to go back onto medication if he needs too.

I think that you should talk to your therapist and take your DH along, that was really helpful for us. It's harder for you as you have to consider DH's mental health as well, all I can say is that I have seen friends battle with addiction that are now lovely parents.

Take your time and you will know when it's right for you both.

I think that whenever you decide to have children you will need a supportive partner (ie one that supports you, rather than one that relies on you to stabilise him). Is your dh that guy? Could he be in the future?

You are so very wise.
You idea to have only one child is such a good one too.

Give it another year then make the decision.

I think I would agree with most of the posters here. You sound like you would make a great parent but maybe wait a few years.

Just remember if only perfect parents reproduced the birth rate would plummet to zero. Everyone struggles and is just doing the best they can. Best of luck to you.

When you have your booking in appt with the midwife they look into your history, and alert SS if necessary. I think that you should ask your GP - tell him/her the history and ask how many years of stability you would need for SS not to be concerned. Also ask how much support would be available if you needed it. That would be a good starting point. Then you would have a goal. X number of years of no problems, then we can try.