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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that calling your teenage daughter a slut is really not on?

58 replies

User543212345 · 23/05/2015 15:20

I've been dwelling on this a lot bit of late. I've had a bit of a breakdown and am working through a lot of issues in therapy at the moment, and this is something that has come back in technicolour and I'm having trouble not being cross about.

When I was 17 I slept with my 2nd boyfriend (who I continued to date for 3 further years) and when my father found out he called me a slut. I don't think that sleeping with one person, or actually any number of people, is cause for anyone to ever be called such names, but I do have a tendency towards the oversensitive. I think it massively damaged my self-esteem and self-respect and may have contributed to my opinion of sex as something a bit revolting and sordid, though I doubt it's a standalone cause. I didn't react to it at the time as we were a very authoritarian household and my father's word wasn't to be questioned, but now 20 years on I feel like I can't forgive him for it.

AIBU in thinking it's unforgivable or am I being a bit precious?

OP posts:

iWantToBeAlone · 23/05/2015 15:26

I think it is a disgusting thing to call anyone, especially your own daughter. I doubt he would have called a son a slut in that situation.

As to whether it's unforgiveable I think that depends. How is he now? Do you think he regrets saying it? Do you have the type of relationship where you can talk to him about it and tell him your feelings? If he said sorry and meant it, would that make you feel better. It is your feelings and only you can decide if you can forgive.

AwayAndRunUpMaHumf · 23/05/2015 15:30

That's shit, OP. I've a memory of my mum calling me a slut when I was about 13 or 14, hadn't had sex yet and wasn't sweeping the floor to her specifications! Bloody parents eh.

flora717 · 23/05/2015 15:39

It reflects an appalling attitude towards you as a woman and the choices you made. I had a similar comment at age 15 for my interest in a lad my age. Even reflecting that my mum met my dad age 15 (pregnant at 17) I've never forgotten it.
One of many things that tipped me to being NC. But I'd still consider it in a wider context. Was this generally a supportive relationship?
If your attitude to sex is one of it being sordid, was this presented to you this way?(by school/ parents). Generally my parents were actually very good at presenting sex as part of adult life. So the slut comment was just at me. That hurt.

sanfairyanne · 23/05/2015 15:48

my dad called me that once. i have forgiven but never forgotten. it was a pretty unacceptable thing to say

0utForAWalkBitch · 23/05/2015 15:48

AwayAndRun my mum used to use "slut" in that context too - it's a rather dated use of language but slut was also used to mean a woman with low standards of cleanliness.

OP, no it's not on to say that about anyone, let alone your child. Not being precious at all.

mrstweefromtweesville · 23/05/2015 15:57

By his standards, were you a slut? Did he expect you to save sex for after your wedding? Did you expect him to congratulate you when he found out you were having sex? What should a father say? Did having sex whilst living under his roof compromise his standing as a respectable husband and father? All sorts of things could have been going on in his head.

Sounds to me as if its not the word that's the problem, and its not even your father. The problem is that you, then and now, are internalising the opinion he expressed, and allowing it to shape your opinion of yourself and to affect your relationship with him.What damaged your self-esteem etc wasn't the name, or the name-calling, but accepting in your mind that you behaved in a way which your father considered sluttish. You felt bad because you accepted his view that you had behaved badly.

Your standards are different (not lower, just different) from those of your father. You wouldn't call a girl an unpleasant name because she was sexually active. That's ok. It was ok for you to have a partner. Its ok for you to object (even silently) to being called names. You have the moral high ground, even, because you're a much nicer person than hi.!

I hope you are having counselling because this is something that you could 'talk out' really effectively, and not be harmed by any more.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 23/05/2015 15:58

My mother used to call me a 'hwran' (welsh for slut or whore) a lot in my teens. It hurt at the time, she had no basis for calling me such a horrid name. Especially since she herself was a well known village bike (I think it's what's known as 'projection'). I know it's easier said than done, but it really wasn't anything wrong with you, it was his issue.

mrstweefromtweesville · 23/05/2015 15:58

hi? him. must get that sticky key fixed.

TelephoneIgnoringMachine · 23/05/2015 16:01

It's not on. My mum said this to me, I was 15 with my head down the toilet due to reaction from the MAP she'd decided I needed. Backstory was that my boyfriend had tried to force me and I panicked I might get pregnant (not knowing the facts of life as no-one ever told me). Mum didn't ask what had actually happened & assumed the worst. I felt like she gave up on me after that. I told her about this about a week ago, her initial reaction was that those words would never have come out of her mouth. She didn't react at all when I told her about the attempted rape, she's promised we'll find time to talk about it but I'm still waiting.

nequidnimis · 23/05/2015 16:24

I was called a tart under similar circumstances, although I got an apology a few days later.

It's not an excuse, but it really was very different 20 years ago and many parents still clung to the hope that their DDs would wait for marriage.

I expect it was a shocking discovery for him and emotions were running high. I don't think, in itself, I would consider it unforgivable.

Original poster

User543212345 · 23/05/2015 16:35

mrstwee - I doubt very much he expected us to save ourselves for marriage as we know neither he or my mother did (though I expect I didn't know that at the time). I didn't expect any comment on it tbh - it wasn't announced or anything, my mother had asked me a direct question and I had told her the truth and obviously he had then been told by her and some time later sought me out to tell me off. I'm having CBT at the moment and this has kind of come to the forefront because we're thinking through being kind to the teenage me.

I really remember the nastiness, and that, I suppose is what's bothering me. There has been, and never will be an apology - if I raise it now I suspect he'd probably justify his position and tell me why he was right to say it.

It's a name I'd never apply to anyone, and I get so cross when I hear other people describe women as such. It's such a hateful, misogynistic thing to call any woman, let alone a young one.

OP posts:

bigbumtheory · 23/05/2015 17:14

Was he normally so judgemental and unpleasant to you OP? Usually parents who act like this, well lets just say it's not their first and only nasty comment or behaviour. It's very rare it is and if it is it's usually followed by a hurried apology.

YANBU to feel at all upset, but you do need to try and move past it and not let his negative and unpleasant attitude continue to haunt you now. It gives him power over you and your future, which no person deserves over another.

I like this post below, to me it encompasses how I feel about the word slut.

tomatonation.com/culture-and-criticism/a-four-letter-word/

loveareadingthanks · 23/05/2015 17:42

I don't understand people trying to justify it by saying things were different 20 years ago. That was only 1995. I don't recall attitudes towards pre-marital sex being any different then to now.

Vivacia · 23/05/2015 17:46

By his standards, were you a slut?

Sounds to me as if its not the word that's the problem, and its not even your father.

Sounds different to me.

Vivacia · 23/05/2015 17:47

OP this is spooky because I was just thinking this morning about my dad calling me the same word at around the same age for about the same reason.

GloGirl · 23/05/2015 17:55

I'd forgotten my Mother ever called me a slut till I read your story. Mine was in similar circumstance. To be fair, I have had worse problems with my mother so I forgot this one.

You're right about the nastiness. It hurts.

I really can't see what I have to gain by asking for an apology. After all this time it would seem like she only said sorry because I asked. I can't go back and undo the pain it caused.

WhetherOrNot · 23/05/2015 18:00

The word "slut", used 20 years ago, does not have quite the same PC connotations as it would today. It was commonly used. I think you should really let it go.

ahbollocks · 23/05/2015 18:16

My dad said it to me once but as in the slovenly version (had left old cups in bedroom and dirty clothes everywhere)
I think you should let it go, you know he was wrong, and that there was nothing wrong with you having sex with a guy you cared about.
Not to excuse it, but you dont know his personal circumstances at the time, he could have been stressed at work or under financial pressure, he could have been petrified that you would become a young mum etc etc.
It happened.

Vivacia · 23/05/2015 18:20

Alternatively, you could be right to be thinking about this. Perhaps it's indicative of how he'd always treated you? Perhaps it's one of the few times you can put your finger on and think, "Yes, I wasn't imagining it"?

Corygal · 23/05/2015 18:25

My mother called me a tart for wearing a crushed velvet maxi skirt. Pink, see, and velvet - unmistakeable signs of streetwalking.

It was about the only remark she ever made concerning my personal appearance through my teens, bar accusing me of 'sniffing round lampposts' if I was invited to a party.

I'd like to say it was fine, but it cruelly hurt me.

Romeyroo · 23/05/2015 18:30

I have been struggling a lot with working through my abusive childhood and subsequent abusive relationship and marriage. I just got in my working through to my dad - he said this to me when I stayed out too late with my boyfriend once when I was 17. He made other inappropriate comments about my body as well and other stuff I won't go into. I don't remember big chunks of my childhood but I remember that comment.

I personally can't forgive, no.

Royalsighness · 23/05/2015 18:33

My mom and dad used to call me that all the time and worse, I was quite promiscuous and they have a poor way with words, I didn't let it hurt me and I don't hold it against them, I wouldn't use those words against my kids though.

GlitzAndGigglesx · 23/05/2015 18:38

My dad called me that at 17 too when I told him I was pregnant. I know teen pregnancies are frowned upon but it didn't cross his mind that this was the first person I'd slept with and am still with. We're nc now but I could never forget. He also thought it appropriate to call my siblings and I cunts whenever he lost his temper. Slut is such a horrible word to use against anyone

professornangnang · 23/05/2015 18:45

Calling anyone a slut is wrong. Look up the unslut project online.

cleanmyhouse · 23/05/2015 18:56

What the fuck mrstwee

A dictatorial father calls his daughter a slut and the issue is her internalising?

Wrong. Very very wrong. Victim blaming.

Thats like saying if he hit her, as long as it was his standards of discipline, he wasn't wrong, how she feels about it is the problem. That's really fucked up.

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