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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that calling your teenage daughter a slut is really not on?

58 replies

User543212345 · 23/05/2015 15:20

I've been dwelling on this a lot bit of late. I've had a bit of a breakdown and am working through a lot of issues in therapy at the moment, and this is something that has come back in technicolour and I'm having trouble not being cross about.

When I was 17 I slept with my 2nd boyfriend (who I continued to date for 3 further years) and when my father found out he called me a slut. I don't think that sleeping with one person, or actually any number of people, is cause for anyone to ever be called such names, but I do have a tendency towards the oversensitive. I think it massively damaged my self-esteem and self-respect and may have contributed to my opinion of sex as something a bit revolting and sordid, though I doubt it's a standalone cause. I didn't react to it at the time as we were a very authoritarian household and my father's word wasn't to be questioned, but now 20 years on I feel like I can't forgive him for it.

AIBU in thinking it's unforgivable or am I being a bit precious?

OP posts:
FiveExclamations · 23/05/2015 19:22

I was kissing my boyfriend at 17 when my DM told me my deceased father would think I was a slut Hmm.

My MIL called me a slut during a drunken phone call (she was drunk, not me) both in the "I bet he's not the only man in your life" and the "the house is fucking disgusting" sense. I will never forget the glee with which she rolled the word of her tongue. I swear she had a little spitegasm as she said it.

Both were pretty crushing at the time.

FiveExclamations · 23/05/2015 19:28

Sorry, posted too soon.

So you are NBU, totally shitty thing to say, totally understandable that as a part of your whole childhood (reading into other things you said) this would affect you but if your therapy can help you deal with it and see that it was an expression of how twisted he was rather than having anything to do with you, you may feel a lot better.

I've had CBT myself, it really helped.

RagstheInvincible · 23/05/2015 19:33

It was a horrible thing to call you. I've never called my DD that (or anything similar btw) and I never will. YANBU.

Athenaviolet · 23/05/2015 19:35

That's a horrible thing to say about anyone let alone your own dd. Being 20 years ago isn't justification imo.

mrstweefromtweesville · 23/05/2015 21:31

I doubt very much he expected us to save ourselves for marriage as we know neither he or my mother did

Oh, that doesn't seem to influence parental views at all. My parents put it about most shockingly but they didn't expect me to do the same. Unreasonable, I thought.

mrstweefromtweesville · 23/05/2015 21:33

Wrong. Very very wrong. Victim blaming.
No, not victim blaming. More, pointing out that the person bothered by it is the OP, and she has the option not to be bothered by it. From her later post, its clear she's onto that already.

Vivacia · 23/05/2015 22:07

I thought you were victim-blaming too.

Romeyroo · 24/05/2015 05:18

I was thinking about this - my father called me 'an easy piece of meat' - those were the words. De-humanising. Yes, like the OP, I have the option not to be bothered by it, but I think I was affected by it and other things which happened when I was growing up. It still makes me feel horrible to think of. I am just putting the words down to get them out. No slattern or slovenly interpretations there.

tobysmum77 · 24/05/2015 07:57

yanbu. 20 years ago attitudes were much the same as now as far as I remember.

In terms of the cleanliness thing though my dm uses 'slut' in jest for this.

Chiggers · 24/05/2015 08:00

My dad called me that when I was about the age of 19. I simply said, and I quote, "Fuck you, you ignorant arse". I said ignorant because he WAS ignorant to the fact that I hadn't had sex with anyone at the time.

We have a fantastic relationship now as I made sure I pulled him up about it, and totally embarrassed him, when we had a party for my 30th at my parent's house. He has never uttered a bad word about me since then, says that he can totally understand why I called him that and that he was out of order for his comment. He is now very careful about what he says to me because he knows that I could happily wait 10+yrs to hit him with it. I think my mum has learnt the same lesson.

cleanmyhouse · 24/05/2015 08:59

the person bothered by it

So you're saying that abuse is only really a problem if the person being abused is bothered by it, thus taking all of the responsibilty away from the abuser.

blondegirl73 · 24/05/2015 09:08

My mum used to call me frigid Bridget because I was hopeless with boys and never had boyfriends.

I don't think it's okay to call your daughter a slut but I do think you might need to put it behind you and move on. Hanging on to these horrible feelings is just going to damage you.

Vivacia · 24/05/2015 10:23

There are a lot of things we can put behind us and move on from. The messages we receive as children though are deeply internalised. Can our core identities be set aside?

Intellectually, and with the support of counselling, I find I can examine and rationalise a lot of my responses and feelings. "is this likely to be true? Is there objective evidence for it?". But deep down I still feel and hold to be true some very damaging beliefs.

queenofthebored · 25/05/2015 02:24

My mother had/has a really obsession with things being slutty/whorish often off the wall bizarre (mainly due to being fundamental Christian psycho) - patent leather shoes were slutty as too were red shoes, splits in skirts no matter how small, 15 denier tights - slutty. standing anywhere on a street that was not by a bus stop? whorish. chewing gum- slutty dyed hair, hooped earrings, tops that buttoned all the way down the front, being only girl in group of male friends? yup you've guessed it the answer to all is slutty. As I grew older I accepted this was her opinion and it didn't mean her opinion was right or that I had to agree with it, we have very little contact now as its not good for either of us and her head would explode due to my living in SIN and gallivanting about in red shoes with dyed hair and tops with BUTTONS ALL THE WAY DOWN THE FRONT but I am happy and couldn't give a fig if anyone thinks Im slutty or not. You cannot change anyone but yourself an I wish you all the best with your therapy x

Tequilashotfor1 · 25/05/2015 02:41

Slut is a disgusting word. But it's not somthing I would let take over my life for.

It's just words.

Your dad is a dick for saying that but you are a grown womsn now. Don't let a single word shape your life.

Vivacia · 25/05/2015 06:56

queenoftheboard did your mum call you a slut or a whore when you met those criteria - when you bought some red shoes, when you were the only girl in your group of friends etc?

Or did you avoid them?

mumtoaninja · 25/05/2015 07:38

My mum called me a slut the first night I stopped over my BF's (now DH). We'd been together for over 2 months & I was 20...she didn't like me very much.
My DSisters have both stopped overnight at respective BF's (and between them there's been a fair few!) within days without so much as an eyelid batted.
Something I'll never forget.

Vivacia · 25/05/2015 07:43

Something I'll never forget.

This. I don't think anyone is saying, "Oh my God, I spend my days dwelling on these words that were said to me, they've ruined my life and there's not a think I can do about it. Waaaah".

I think the OP was just asking, "this wasn't right, was it?".

queenofthebored · 25/05/2015 08:36

Vivacia - a bit of both generally I avoided the things she had already declared slutty/whorish just for the sake of an easy life but occasionally I drifted into accidental slut mode. The benefit I had - self esteem wise was that her "list" was so stupid neither I nor my 5 sisters took it seriously and it became a bit of an in joke "I hope you are not wearing the slutty anorak to the allotment for shame!" " away with those whorish winceyette (sp?) pyjamas!" and in fairness to her it was the thing or the behaviour that was slutty rather than you personally, so it was never something that bruised our self esteem. Slut is a value judgement designed to repress women you don't have to accept that judgement even if people try to place it on you interestingly the word is never mentioned now we are adults and never to her grandchildren

emogirl · 06/04/2020 23:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ArthurDentsSpaceTowel · 07/04/2020 00:01

Emogirl, in the kindest possible way, start your own thread. This is a 'zombie thread' (look at the posting dates) and people on here don't like seeing them resurrected as they keep replying to the original post not realising it's nearly 5 years out of date.

You'll have more chance of replies if you start your own thread.

Khione · 07/04/2020 00:31

My mother called me a whore

I had been split up from my husband for 18months and with the current boyfriend for just under a year. I was 31.

My boyfriend and I went to stay with my sister for the weekend. Mum said 'But, where did you sleep?' knowing my sister only had one spare bed / room. 'Where do you think?' I replied, having already had enough of her judgmental crap. So she called me a whore.

Her problem not mine - but it obviously bothered me as it was over 30 years ago and I still remember

rainbowlou · 07/04/2020 01:22

I’m 42 and still remember the hurt and humiliation I felt when my mum called me a slut and a slag for having male friends and bleaching my hair as a teenager.
I have a 20 yr old dd and couldn’t imagine ever speaking to her in that way 😕

rainbowlou · 07/04/2020 01:24

Oh balls sorry didn’t realise this was a zombie thread!

PyongyangKipperbang · 07/04/2020 02:13

My mother called me that aged 14, for reasons I have never worked out.

Especially as she, many years later, told me how upset she was when her aunt called her a slut aged 15 (ma, not aunt).

Not acceptable under any cirumstances.

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