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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be happy with this?

130 replies

mickeyfartpants · 20/05/2015 20:12

DM had my DD today - 4yrs. She let her go upstairs to the toilet on her own while there was a decorator in the room next to the toilet. Obviously she cannot lock the door so potentially the door could have been open the whole time with a half naked child on the toilet. DD told us when we get in from work that she'd had a chat with the decorator on the landing.

No bad came of it, granted. But when I've mentioned to my Mum that I'd rather she went to the toilet with DD if there was a stranger in the house, her reaction is to say that its fine because the guy has his own kids, she was downstairs the whole time and then put my brother on to tell me that I'm being silly about all. We don't really know this man, and even if we did, I'd rather my toddler wasn't put in a vulnerable position.

Am I being silly?

OP posts:
PureMorning · 20/05/2015 20:30

Shes at more risk of abuse from a family member then by a stranger.

Not every male is a pedo

StuffYouAllInTheCrust · 20/05/2015 20:30

YANBU. My child has a habit of leaving the door wide open whilst on the loo and wandering out, pants round ankles. I would feel a little uncomfortable if she did this in front of a stranger. Absolutely nothing wrong with being cautious.

Original poster
mickeyfartpants · 20/05/2015 20:30

I am not saying that my child is "lying", penguin. I am saying we only have the story of DD because my Mum wasnt wasnt there to check. If Mum had gone with her, we would have no doubt that he wasn't chatting to her on the loo.

OP posts:
m0therofdragons · 20/05/2015 20:32

Yabu dtds are 3 (start school in sept and are not toddlers). What can you even see when a dc is weeing? Mine lean forward or wee goes everywhere. We are talking minutes - really not enough time to groom a dc. I doubt it occurred to your mum there may be an issue. My concern would be my dc pestering the decorator while he tried to work. Poor guy seen as potential sex offender for doing nothing wrong but politely chatting to a dc.

PHANTOMnamechanger · 20/05/2015 20:32

What a sad world we live in where every man is viewed as a potential abuser

^ but that's why you minimise the risks, because you just cant tell who the harmful ones are! They can look and appear nice and normal, have respectable jobs and the perfect little family of their own, and be into all sorts of disgusting things.

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 20/05/2015 20:32

But don't you see that you are spinning a whole imaginary disaster scenario?

whatwhatinthewhatnow · 20/05/2015 20:33

Exactly, if your DM had been there, it wouldn't even be a question.

YANAgurl1973 · 20/05/2015 20:34

I certainly wouldn't let my daughter go to bathroom on her own. Yanbu.

alwaysstaytoolong · 20/05/2015 20:34

Wouldn't bother me. There are so, so many reasons which say any potential risk to your child was SO minimal even IF the decorator was a possible paedophile and the risk of him being one is again, small.

Trying to put all of these possible factors together it is a tiny, tiny chance that something awful may have happened. And it didn't.

As she grows up, you will have to try and 'risk assess' more and more. And it will be uncomfortable because you're not in control of other people and 'danger' is potentially everywhere that you are not completely supervising all the time.

That's why having children is so anxiety provoking!.

Chewbecca · 20/05/2015 20:35

Sorry, you are being silly and way too over-protective IMHO.

Feminine · 20/05/2015 20:37

But it is back to the odds of something happening isn't it?
I'm sure Mr decorator didn't think : c Oh great, back at Mrs - today, hopefully her granddaughter will want to use the loo. I'll suggest l start in the upstairs bedroom"

tywinlannister · 20/05/2015 20:38

Why even run the risk when she could have just gone with her? YANBU.

Floggingmolly · 20/05/2015 20:38

Well, I wouldn't have been fine with it...

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 20/05/2015 20:38

Would you have had an issue if she had gone upstairs to get a toy? Because if we are talking risk assessment, they are pretty much exactly the same.

Nowfeeltheneedtopost · 20/05/2015 20:40

Yes, you are being "silly". You are also being very rude to the decorator who hasn't done anything wrong in any scenario I can see.

OurGlass · 20/05/2015 20:42

You're being silly, sorry.

tywinlannister · 20/05/2015 20:42

Not really the same penguin. One involves partial nudity in front of a stranger, and the other doesn't. Hmm

Izzy24 · 20/05/2015 20:44

This is as much about teaching DD appropriate behaviour as anything else .

So from that point of view I still don't think you are being silly.

Original poster
mickeyfartpants · 20/05/2015 20:45

I was not annoyed with the decorator, I am annoyed with my Mum for not considering it might not be appropriate for the decorator or DD and that it made DD potentially vulnerable.

OP posts:
LaurieMarlow · 20/05/2015 20:45

How ridiculous. OP, save your anxiety for genuine problems.

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 20/05/2015 20:45

You really think whether her trousers were down has an impact on the risk of a predatory paedophile who can both abuse her and scare her into lying in 2 minutes? Thinking that is relevant to anything but potentially embarrassing the builder us an illustration of how poor people are at understanding risk.

fortunately · 20/05/2015 20:46

You are catastrophising.

HildaWazzo · 20/05/2015 20:46

Not every man is an abuser, but a minority are. And yes, you're more likely to be abused by a family member, but that doesn't mean they wouldn't be interested in other kids. My abuser (yes, a family member) also liked taking photos of other people's kids on the beach. No harm done I suppose, but it's quite sickening to me knowing what his interest would have been.

Not suggesting this man was like that at all - of course he most likely wasn't. But it's not as unthinkable as some posters seem to believe.

Marvel101 · 20/05/2015 20:47

So why be cautious at all with our children?

Should we act as though there are no abusers out there?

If I'm with my 5 year old DS at a shopping centre or a park or somewhere should I send him off to the public bathrooms by himself? Or I should I act cautiously and go with him to protect him from the small chance that he does encounter an abusive person.

30 years ago people did not really understand to the same extent that we do today how much abuse goes on inside and outside the family. I think it's good that we know that a small section of people are abusive so we can act cautiously now.

fortunately · 20/05/2015 20:47

I also think it's a shame that you don't trust your mum to keep your dd safe. I'd be pretty upset at that if I were her.