To be at the end of my tether?

[dontrunwithscissors]

Both DH and I work full-time. We have two DDs (5 & 8), no family nearby and no close friends we can call on. We've struggled our way through the last 8 years, barely managing to do the basics. The house is a constant mess because we just don't have the time or energy.
I do all of the organising stuff that comes with kids as they get older (parties, brownies, homework, being upset because her friend doesn't like her dress.).

Over the last 6 weeks, my husband has been in hospital with kidney stones, my youngest has been very poorly with a UTI. Then I had toe nail surgery and they got infected. Then DD2 got another UTI. Then my toenail got infected again. Then dDD1 got a vomiting bug. Now I have a cold/earache. I've been the one taking the time off to sort all of this out. I've only managed this because, basically, I've done no work. I have a very flexible job, but I still need to make this lost time up. On top of this, I have bipolar disorder so I need to be very careful to protect my sleep, not get too stressed.

I had a meltdown last night. I just can't see how we can keep managing like this. My boss wants to push me through for promotion & I know I can do well, but not with life like this. I feel like the poor kids are suffering. They get pushed out the door every morning and rushed to bed every evening. We often just don't find the time to do homework. My career is slowly going down the pan becausein all honestyI'm not doing the work. I just feel at breaking point & can't figure out how to keep going.

To be clear: my husband is not a slacker. He does everything he can, but he works in the most horrible, bullying place. He feels sick and has chest pains when he goes to work each morning. He works his ass off, but gets sworn at every day. He took some time off for a sick kid a while ago and was told 'he's not a man' for doing it. He's been told they will find a way to get rid of him if he takes any more time off to look after the kids. He's terrified.

Sorry for the long rant--AIBU for feeling like we just can't keep going like this? Do other people manage this kind of stuff OK? Am I just not 'tough enough'? I really don't know.

Sorry to hear you're having an awful time of it at the moment. Where the HELL does your husband work that he's treated like that?!

Is there any mileage in him looking for another job - I think this will help with his quality of life, thus impacting on everyone else too further down, if you get me?

Thanks, it's a small company, where the owner is one of those who swears. My husband made himself a target when he insisted that they take the posters of topless women down. There are no jobs around here. He's been looking for five years. The only option would be for him to travel up to Aberdeen (a 1.5 hour drive each way & horrendous during the winter).

In theory, he could leave work & we would just squeeze by on my waye. But it would be no holidays, no Xmas presents, nothing for emergencies and we'd be stuffed if mortgage rates rise.

Are you on a fixed rated mortgage for some security? Sounds like if you could manage financially all your lives would be better if your husband took a house husband role for a while to all get straight and establish some qualify of life. I'm sure your daughters would prefer two happy parents who are well and actually around everyday, rather than a couple of weeks in the sun with them. He could sort the house, establish routine with homework etc. He sounds at breaking point two, this is no good for either of you.

No, we're on a variable rate, but a very good deal (2.5%it's fixed at no more than 2% over the base rate). We would be so squeezed financially£550 a month left after bills for food, clothes, everything. I don't know whether that's manageable. We'd have to mange with one car, which is difficult as the school isn't in walking distance & little public transport.

I have no idea whether this is 'normal' when both parents work. Whether I'm BU to feel like it's all just.too.much to cope with.

No real advice to give but OMG I'm not surprised that you're at the end of your tether.You sound like a lovely mum and partner and do not deserve the pile of crap raining on you.I hope that things get better for all of you.

If you got the promotion could he give up or find something part time? I know how it is, we're much the same workwise but are lucky to have family nearby.

What a lot of bad luck. It's really hard to stay organised and feel on top of things against a back drop of continuing illness.

If your boss is hoping to promote you I don't think you need to worry that you are performing as badly as you fear. It doesn't suggest that your career is going down the pan. If you achieved a promotion would it be compensated with a pay rise? And could you use that extra wiggle room for your dh to find a better less draining job and be more available to help with the family stuff?

Is moving towards Aberdeen an option? Then DH could find work there and he could be happier which might be helpful for everybody Could you find work there too?

Oh you poor love..... it sounds awful for you and you are most certainly justified in feeling at the end of your tether. I'm not trying to patronise you at all, as DH and I used to both work FT and 2DC and a dog. It was manic and stressful and I was unhappy. I think sometimes you need to stop, exhale and try to look at things from a different perspective. You both cant continue down this path, you know that. You seem to have an encouraging and supportive Boss and your DH doesnt. You have to imagine what would happen to you, if you got really sick with the stress of this. Something has to change.

So if it were me I would, get DH to resign immediatley. The situation he is in isn't going to get better, may well get worse and will make him physically and emotionally ill.

Then his job can be to reorganise house, sort out kids, do homework and do some bargain food shopping, meals on the table you can all eat.

Then you wont need to worry about the home, and so can go for promotion feeling confident that you will (presumably?) get more money and life will feel calmed. This will benefit you, DH and in turn your children hugely.

Once calm is restored you DH can go back to looking for work - what about supermarket / pub work just to get some money coming in? Just in the short term? Tax free threshold now over £10k so sometimes to cut back you gain more iyswim?

Can DH retrain in any other field?

Pls dont feel like there isnt anything you can do, you can. You have choices and this isnt a great way for either of you to live..... Your health, and the happiness of your DH and kids is worth far far more. It will be OK..... sometimes you have to get to the end of your tether to realise things need to change.

I now work pt as I simply couldnt do it anymore.....

My boss doesn't know how behind I am. I'm a uni lecturer and we have a huge amount of flexibility. But I have a book to write and it's meant to be done by Devember. I've barely got any of it written . The promotion is based on the assumption it will be completed. But, yes, if I got promoted it would change things. However, promotions only happen once a year so it would be October 2016 at the very earliest.

We could perhaps move closer to Aberdeen, but then we'd each still have a longish commute, higher house prices would soak up more of our income. There are no jobs around for me as a lecturer--maybe 2-3 jobs a year come up across the country. Plus I have excellent support from the MH services and it's no where near as good further North.

In my heart, I want him to leave work. I'm really worried DH is driving himself into an early grave. But I'm left wondering whether the stress of two jobs will be replaced with the stress of a lower income. Grass greener on the other side kind of thing.

But then, if I'm being honest, the kids are genuinely suffering because we have no time or energy for them. Dd1 is in a remedial class for reading, but she's s very bright girl. I suspect if we'd had time to spend with her, it would be different.

Oracle--sorry, cross-posted. You're right. God, I was so adamant that we'd do this modern parenting lark, but there just aren't enough hours in the day. DH would love to be a stay at home Dad. But we both grew up in households on benefits and it's a real fear for both of us to not have financial security.

Personally, I'd have your dh be a sahp. He'd be happier. He could maybe find some online work to do for a little extra whilst the kids are at school (muppet disclaimer as I have no idea what this would entail). Then you'd be able to concentrate on getting that promotion. So long as your bills are paid, I'd make the sacrifice for a happier work/life balance for everyone.

DontRun.... pls dont let your past mean that you put up with awful circumstances. As I said, if it was my DH I would get him to resign - is it going to get better ? if not will it stay the same? if so can he cope (doesnt seem like he can from description), what will happen if it gets worse?

Sort term sacrifice for long term gain. Dont let the fear stop you all. Focus on him leaving - that leaves you 6m to do book... Is that doable? You dont want to look back at your lives and DC childhoods and feel this way I promise you. Tke one step at a time and you need to make your job secure and stop him becoming ill. All of this can be donw with him resigning. And then I would go to CAB and see about constructive dismissal..... One step at a time - you can do this

Thanks YTC and oracle. He's put up with ten years of being treated like crap. He's a bloody Health and safety, and quality, and environmental manager with a degree and 20 years experience. They expect him to change lightbulbs. He's the sole contact for if the alarms go off out of hours. He's gone out to the factory on his own in the middle of the night many times--gawd help us if there was a robbery in progress. I'm genuinely worried this job will drive him to a heart attack.

As for the book....not doable in six months. But the more time I have and the less pressure, the quicker it would be done. There's a teensy bit of wiggle room.

Thanks for confirming I'm not being a woos. The whole bipolar-lark sometimes leaves me wondering whether 'normal' people would sail through this stuff....

You've got analysis paralysis, Op. There's so much to try and sort out it seems like it's impossible. I think you need a serious discussion with your DH about him leaving work and what financial help you could possibly get as a starting point. My DP was a SAHD for a year. Was money tight? Yes it was and we had to economise, but DP is now a new man, I could concentrate on my job/career (still in the same place, but whatever) and he built up a great relationship with DD and DS. It's so shit that work places like that still exist. Is your DH minded to take any form of legal action?

This is a wild idea so sorry if not suitable advice for your situation but could your DH consider going self employed?

I know of a couple of people who now work self employed as window cleaners and they use the new 'pole' system (so no ladders) and they earn around £70,000 a year with very little overheads.

The two people that I know do it through a franchise and so they have to pay some of what they earn to the franchisor (not sure how it works) but I think that this is easily something that could be set up on your own?

I don't know how that level of earning power compares with your DH's current wage but the hours would be flexible and websites and domain names etc can be set up for very little money.

My cousin also runs his own business doing house maintenance, small repairs, painting etc and is always busy.

Do you have a spare room that you could rent out on airbnb?

Self employed is a good idea, particularly in H&S I would imagine. H&S Consultant!

Thanks. He could maybe do something self-employed. He's a qualified health and safety assessor & I know that people do consultancy.

I'm not sure about legal action. I've bee through some shit with my work so have a sense of what it would take to win a case & im not sure we'd get anywhere. I also know how stressful it is to fight an employer n

OP you sound like you've been having a terrible time I'm astonished that you and your DH have held it all together this long.

I think that it would really help to try and carve out an hour or two to have a serious chat with DH on the basis that he needs to leave his job within the next few months. If he's getting a hard time he needs to go to the doctor, get a sick line and get a breathing space. Look at the skills he has and contact business / start up advisors in your area to see what he can do.

In the meantime while he is off he can assume the main burden of running your lives day to day. You need to focus on your book because your career is important. You also need to look at buying in help with things like cleaning - this will make a massive difference to your environment and mood. Your DC may need to drop some activities in the short term unless you have helpful friends who will assist with lifts and things.

All of this is doable, you just need a breathing space.

Thanks thistime. The only activity we do is brownies. DD1 still can't swim at 8 years old because we just haven't managed to do swimming lessons. I know it's not the end of the world, but it just feels symptomatic of my feeling that they're being left behind. In fairness, a big problem has been my bipoar--I've been ill a lot since I had DD2 (which is when it started) & it adds another layer of challenges. I have to be so careful to not push myself too hard. But then there's the stress of being the sole wage earner with an illness that has caused me to off sick for a total of 10 months in the last 5 years.

Gosh sounds so horrid for you all scissors

As others have said, I'd be tempted to have DH resign straight away for the sake of his health - mental and physical. Good for your daughters to have more parent time and might allow you to focus better at work.

Also I agree self employment could be a good way to be a SAHD and also keep up his CV - even if its is just the odd client for appearances rather than the money - with those sexist attitudes around it might be easier for him to explain how he spent the time.

Maybe you will be eleigible for tax credits to help with the loss of income? And maybe after a few months, you'll all be feeling so much stronger and healthier that if you do have to make tough decisions re mortgage/ bills at a later date it will be easier to deal with then.

I've also been suffering from curlyweasel's analysis paralysis lately after awful times but just starting to get though it. Hope you find a way forward

There you go then x

And reading about your mental health, IMHO a stable home lifestyle is very necessary for evening out the ups and downs of mental health.

OK so you might not be rich and do all the exciting things that some others do (don't worry about what other people think) but if as a family you can afford to keep your house securely and manage all the basics well with a regular and comfortable routine, that should help in the up times and the down.

If you should become ill again, sick pay and disability benefits will very likely be there to help you. I don't know how much you need to bring in though to keep up the mortgage. Perhaps looking at this now and working out the sums that might be available might ease your worry about what happens if you become unwell. From experience with mental ill health, I've found it helps to have some contingency plans/ ideas in place to save anyone having to make hard decisions mid-illness.

What I haven't mentioned is that we could sell our house and downside. We have a detached 5 bedroom, 3 bathroom, big kitchen, double garage etc. That means our mortgage is £1k a month. We could move to a 3 bed semi in walking distance to school and good bus route for around £650 a month. But DH is an utter house snob and I'm fairly sure he would draw the line at moving.

It sounds like yours is kind of the "lead" job, long term? You enjoy it, are good at it, and have fought for it (to get understanding of your MH?) But currently you are neglecting it, because of everything that's going on, plus the fact that you have no family support nearby.

And DH would like to be a SAHD, at least for a while. I think this is the way forward - you could become a team in supporting you to be the main breadwinner, and with your condition you need to come home to/be able to work in a tranquil environment and mental space.

IME it takes about 3 months to get used to a sudden drop in income, provided the reduced income is doable.