To be at the end of my tether?

[dontrunwithscissors]

Both DH and I work full-time. We have two DDs (5 & 8), no family nearby and no close friends we can call on. We've struggled our way through the last 8 years, barely managing to do the basics. The house is a constant mess because we just don't have the time or energy.
I do all of the organising stuff that comes with kids as they get older (parties, brownies, homework, being upset because her friend doesn't like her dress.).

Over the last 6 weeks, my husband has been in hospital with kidney stones, my youngest has been very poorly with a UTI. Then I had toe nail surgery and they got infected. Then DD2 got another UTI. Then my toenail got infected again. Then dDD1 got a vomiting bug. Now I have a cold/earache. I've been the one taking the time off to sort all of this out. I've only managed this because, basically, I've done no work. I have a very flexible job, but I still need to make this lost time up. On top of this, I have bipolar disorder so I need to be very careful to protect my sleep, not get too stressed.

I had a meltdown last night. I just can't see how we can keep managing like this. My boss wants to push me through for promotion & I know I can do well, but not with life like this. I feel like the poor kids are suffering. They get pushed out the door every morning and rushed to bed every evening. We often just don't find the time to do homework. My career is slowly going down the pan becausein all honestyI'm not doing the work. I just feel at breaking point & can't figure out how to keep going.

To be clear: my husband is not a slacker. He does everything he can, but he works in the most horrible, bullying place. He feels sick and has chest pains when he goes to work each morning. He works his ass off, but gets sworn at every day. He took some time off for a sick kid a while ago and was told 'he's not a man' for doing it. He's been told they will find a way to get rid of him if he takes any more time off to look after the kids. He's terrified.

Sorry for the long rant--AIBU for feeling like we just can't keep going like this? Do other people manage this kind of stuff OK? Am I just not 'tough enough'? I really don't know.

Financially--I bring in £2400 a month, my husband about £2k a month. Mortgage is £1k. Debt repayment is £400 a month (about £17k in debt). We have £10k in savings. If my husband keeps working, we wil have to get another loan to replace his car (it's 14 years old). We couldn't manage with just 1 car if we both work).

I don't know where the money goes. We only have a few hundred a month left over. I know that we end up buying take aways and M&s food because we're just too busy to go shopping. I probably spend £60 a month on sandwiches as never seem to have time to put them up the night before. It's expensive being busy.

Perhaps we are fooling ourselves if we think we can live on just my wage.

Ah, well downsizing might be a big relief for both of you. If it meant he could get out of his awful work environment and take some pressure of your wages, mayeb DH be more open to it than you think! Have to factor in the cost of moving but it still sounds like it could be worthwhile. Perhaps you would even be able to pay of the mortgage sooner.

It is a lovely feeling to realise there are options and choices even if it is just a glimmer of hope!

Silvery, cross-posted. Yes, my husband has always been commited to supporting my career. He left a job he loved to follow me here. He'd be happy to give up work.

I'm embarrassed to admit it, but Therre are some week where I probably only do 30 hours a week as I 'steal' time to sort out family stuff and get to my MH appointments. With all the illnesses, I've probably only done 15 hours work in the last month. It just can't continue.

But if it was just your wage, and DH is any good at cooking, you'll save on all those take-aways and M&S stuff. I would suggest 2 cars, will his soldier on? otherwise get a cheap reliable banger.

Honestly I think you need to tell your DH that your health & sanity cannot sustain your current lifestyle.

Either one of you works part time, or one of you stays at home.

Does he really value a huge house over the health & wellbeing of his wife??

I've tried the downsizing thing--4 bedrooms, detached, pretty looking house is his bottom line. Wouldn't be worth moving for that. I'm a bit frustrated with him for that. He's someone who's frightened of change & doesn't like making any leaps into the unknown. the idea that he might give up work is a massive thing for him to consider.

I wouldn't downsize.

Your DH would need the house to stay the same, to be an effective SAHD. It is also a great size for raising kids to adulthood - I know, because I've just downsized from a similar sized house.

Plus you really don't need the stress of moving, if you can help it.

Sorry, x posted. Yes, I'd hope that we could manage with one car and buses if he isn't at work. Plus he'd have time to go to Lidl, buy clothes from Asda etc. DH is shit at cooking, but so am I. Would be better than multiple take-says every week, though.

Would have to think about downsizing. We've got a lot of house for our money & couldn't get this again. We've got a mortgage that's guaranteed no more than 2% over the base rate for the life of he mortgage. It's difficult to find that kind of deal now. So it is a pretty good investment. The mortgage is £200k and it's probably worth about £280k. If I could get down and work, I'd hope my wage would go to about £50k in the next two years. That would make a big difference. But I can't f'ing well get there if I'm not doing the work. I'm going to have to go out as soon as DH gets home with the kids to work for a few hours and make up the time. It stinks.

Sorry, one more post while I'm getting this off my chest. I should, of course, be working now rather than posting, but every time I look at the computer, I burst into tears because of the enormity of trying to catch up.

I lost my post but essentially my points are the following:

HS consultancy would be a good way to maintain a good work life balance combined with a p/t job for your dh.

isca.org.uk/

Your dh should seek advice from ACAS regarding the bullying and should let your GP know that the chest pains are a result of stress at work. Can he be signed off sick with stress or would that be dangerous? Any written threats they make, your dh should show your GP, union rep and ACAS as proof to strengthen your case.

www.acas.org.uk/index.aspx?articleid=1461

Is HR aware of the bullying or are they instigating the bullying? Is he a member of a union, if not he needs to join pronto.

Encourage your dh to put his cv/profile up on LinkedIn, I did this and I get so many job ads posted to me on a daily basis. It has saved me from looking as I just follow up the leads LinkedIn sends me. When you are under stress you can't think straight and the best thing I did was quit my job as the pressure was making me ill.

Do you live near university/FE college or a local authority as they employ HS officers and the hours are more family friendly.

Good luck

It sounds like you have lots of savings to be made on food alone - would DH cook as part of his SAH role? If he could do that (batch cook etc etc) and make and you sandwiches I'm sure that would not only save a lot of money, but lead to you all feeling more in control and organised. Mentally this is worth a lot... as silverpuss says, a tranquil home is good!

Perhaps use a small amount of your savings to buy a cheap car for DH to run around in for home tasks. Something even older perhaps that is cheap to run with cheap spare parts - nothing too electronic!! I would avoid any more debt if you possibly can. And consider using some of your savings to pay off your debt if it will reduce your monthly outgoings. I understand why you would keep some back though. Check to see if you have are paying the lowest interest rates possible.

I don't know about child tax credits in your situation but it should be possible to make some forecasts. Try these benefit calculators when you feel like it. They are a bit time consuming but quite helpful. www.entitledto.co.uk/benefits-calculator/startcalc.aspx and www.turn2us.org.uk/Find-Benefits-Grants Also citizens advice should be able to help. Don't feel like you have to have all the answers at one though. Take your time, it will all come together

Thanks off the suggestions msaspry, his work use the Bradford Formula so he's very worried about being off sick. He was rushed to hospital with kidney stones recently and admitted to hospital. When I went to visit him the day after he'd been taken in, he told me he'd missed two calls from his boss. I said, 'well that's nice that he's asking after you.' No. He wanted to know whether he would be in work the next day.

Of course, if he was to be signed off with the plan of leaving, it would be different.

It's a small company so they only have a part time HR person. In private this woman has admitted to DH that there's a problem, but won't stand up to the owner.

X-posted, pod, yes he'd cook (he's no worse than me. It took three goes soft boil an egg this weekend.) I think we'd earn too much for benefits, but always worth a look.

Aw, scissors, I know how you feel, I've been there. Hugs to you. Sometimes the getting to crisis point is the worst bit. Now, you have got it all out in the open, you can take gradual steps towards making life more manageable.

Downsizing is something you can keep in your back pocket, you don't have to decide right now.

Your hubby sounds very supportive, there will be time to have a nice chat and work out a plan. Have a good family cuddle altogether before you go out to work and remember that you are taking steps to make life better. It won't always be like this x

You have a very good disposable income OP but you are massively squandering it. You're tired and busy but you need to try and grab a slab of time to plan some quick, nutritious meals and then set up an online shop delivery. Takes about an hour, after that it's just click, click, click. Cooking is easy when the food is there IYSWIM. I tend to run for takeaways and ready meals when I'm busy / low (I have episodes of depression and anxiety, I know it's not easy to think clearly when you're feeling like that).

This will save you a fortune. Start putting extra money aside now to build up a really healthy reserve fund.

You could downsize, it is an option. Your DH needs to think about the impact your lifestyle is having on his health. Getting signed off with stress would get him some thinking space.

We spend money like crazy, that's for sure. Life is such a blur. Being 'mad' doesn't help, either. Some days it's an achievement to just get dressed. I've been in and out of hospital the last couple of years & get really bad side effects from the meds. Our debt comes from when I was on maternity leave & we had to have full time care for both girls as I couldn't look after them. Some how, I've still managed to make progress at work, despite all that. I love my job--spent 8 years at uni and a lot of hard work to get here. I'd be destroyed if I lose it.

My DH is an amazing guy--from the beginning, he said he'd do whatever it took to help me 'make it'. He's moved twice, waited patiently to have kids, and had a long/distance marriage. He's one in a million

Oh bugger. Now I'm crying again.

Sorry bit late back - I've just moved from Aberdeen to Glasgow. I know that it's miserable up there weather wise but there are SO many oil and gas jobs, especially for someone with the qualifications your husband has. Maybe you all need a fresh start?

Also - if he's a house snob then maybe looking slightly north of the city up towards Peterhead might help. Yes, it's a bit bleaker - but it's cheaper!

Just to add that I agree with everyone that your dh should quit, be Sahd for a bit, and let you all regroup a bit.

Then he could maybe get a non stressful part time job just to get a wee bit extra in.

On the subject of downsizing, we have recently downsized from a similar sized house to a small three bed cottage, and oh,the relief!

The dcs are actually more relaxed in the smaller space, it's nice and warm, and I can do things like go for a meal or a coffee with friends without a nagging feeling of guilt about wasting money.

You are really, really amazing scissors. Inspiring. Both of you Focus on the love and determination you have, it is beautiful You will prevail!

Just sent you a PM scissors

Thanks, peeps. My husband's in the oil industry (we're in Dundee) & the company is struggling massively for work. My sister and brother in law work in the oil industry in Aberdeen. She can't get any work as a contractor--a couple of years ago, she was getting job offers every month & could name her price. My BIL's company is on the brink of collapse. Word on the street is that Aberdeen is on the verge of meltdown. Of course, DH could be made redundant and all this would become academic

I really think that unless your DH is going to be made redundant very soon he needs to quit.

A change in lifestyle would only be for a couple of years have you have a huge earning potential.

Your DC are only young once, you all deserve to get to enjoy these years and get of the merry go round.

I agree you can eat so much cheaper when one of you is at home, with the time to learn how to cook etc. He'll have the challenge of learning how to cook

Be brave. Worst case scenario you may have to move house but it seems unlikely - your disposable income should be plenty once you've got a control over the spending side, which again he'd have time to do.

My only other suggestion is an Au Pair... but not sure if you live too remotely?