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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To encourage my friend to have a smear test?

91 replies

ThatIsVerySilly · 18/05/2015 15:05

She is 27 now and was called in for her first smear test at the standard age of 25, so two years ago now. However she refuses to have one.

I have told her than nobody likes smear tests, it doesn't hurt and that it's a couple of seconds of embarrasment but she still refuses to have one. She still refuses to have one and has told me that being scared it will hurt or that it will be embarrasing is not the reason why she won't have one but then won't tell me why she won't have one. But what other reason would a woman not want one if not for embarrassment or fear it will hurt?

She is now very upset as when she went to get a repeat prescription of the pill last week her GP told her that she will not be given any more unless she has a smear test. I think this is a good idea as they really are so important and save lives. My friend has told me her GP has nagged her about it in the past so I think they are doing this to push her to have one. Personally I think it's a good idea and sounds sensible.

My friend is still telling me that she doesn't want one though and is now feeling bullied into having one.

WIBU to tell her to just get it over and done with? I feel kind of bad for thinking this but I can't help but think just suck it up and stop being so irresponsible. Having a smear test is nowhere near as bad as having cancer or dying from it.

OP posts:

Nolim · 18/05/2015 15:08

I dont think you can change her mind.

TheMoa · 18/05/2015 15:09

I'd be encouraging her to complain about her GP actually.

Lots of people, healthcare providers included, opt out of smears, for perfectly valid reasons (and not wanting to, or not wanting to disclose them to you, is perfectly valid).

If she has any sense, she'll switch to another GP.

gabsdot45 · 18/05/2015 15:10

You can't make her but a 27 year old woman,mother of 1 in my area died the other day from cervical cancer. Smears are important

Totality22 · 18/05/2015 15:11

Since when can the GP refuse contraception until a patient has a smear test?

I am all for smear's BUT I don't agree with this at all.

Your friend is a grown woman and as such is responsible for her own health and well being. You can nag / cajole / beg and plead but it's not going to make much difference.

Do you know why she won't have it done? (I assume she is childless but sexually active?)

Charlotte3333 · 18/05/2015 15:11

I'm very pro-smear tests after being diagnosed with dyskaryosis after having DS1 9 years ago. I attend yearly smears and haven't ever worried about it being uncomfortable; it can save lives. I'm also very vocal about encouraging others to not miss smears, and have given close friends rollickings for missing theirs.

However, your friend could have all kinds of reasons for not attending; she might have been assaulted previously, abused as a child, she may have a phobia of some aspect of it, she might be terrified of the whole thing. Suck it up is a favourite saying of ours; we tell it to one another when we're being silly. But sometimes sucking it up is easier said than done, and I think in this instance a little more support and understanding might help. The more you push the more she will dig her heels in. Nobody benefits from that.

GloopyGhoul · 18/05/2015 15:12

I'm afraid it's none of your business. I have never had one, and I have my reasons - neither of which are embarrassment or fear of pain. I would be very hurt if a friend told me to "suck it up." Although I would probably discuss my reasons if you were a close enough friend to be discussing smear tests in the first place.

For all you know she may have been abused in the past, which would be reason enough for not wanting one.

WorraLiberty · 18/05/2015 15:13

Christ, she could have been sexually assaulted in the past or something for all you know.

If she's already feeling bullied, it's not going to help to have you telling her to just get it over and done with.

A little sensitivity wouldn't go amiss OP, although I totally understand your concern for your friend.

DoJo · 18/05/2015 15:13

YABU - she clearly has some fairly specific reasons for not wanting one, and she doesn't want to share them with you. You have made your feelings clear, and now her GP is also piling on the pressure.

But what other reason would a woman not want one if not for embarrassment or fear it will hurt?

I can think of plenty, all of which have deep psychological roots and cannot be resolved by someone who doesn't know about them banging on about the topic.

Jellybellybeans · 18/05/2015 15:13

She has her reasons (could be something which has happened in her past) which she doesn't want to share with you. Which given the tone of your OP is hardly surprising as you don't come across as particularly empathetic.

I think her GP refusing to give contraception unless she goes for one is an outrageous abuse of power and I hope she kicks off big time about that.

ToadsJustFellFromTheSky · 18/05/2015 15:14

I think you should just respect her decision.

Theycallmemellowjello · 18/05/2015 15:16

It is definitely not your place to put pressure on your friend to have a medical procedure she doesn't want! Talk it through with her, help her overcome worries if she requests this, but yes it would be unreasonable to try to persuade her.

But I do think that you should let her know that her GP has absolutely no right to withhold contraception from her until she has a smear. That is completely appalling, and she should complain to the NHS.

Jackieharris · 18/05/2015 15:18

She should make a complaint about her GP! If you were any friend you'd support her in that!

My old gp got sent to jail for sexually abusing lots of women during smear tests. you might have had a good experience but that doesn't mean other women should be forced into a situation where they can be sexually assaulted.

ToadsJustFellFromTheSky · 18/05/2015 15:18

Is it normal for HCP's to put so much pressure on women about this? I read about it a lot on here and it makes me dread turning 25 next year.

BeatieBo · 18/05/2015 15:19

You've made your feelings clear and should let it rest now. I'm 43, have never had a smear and don't plan to ever have one. I'm pretty sure a GP can't refuse to prescribe contraception for her. She should complain or go to the family planning clinic.

sisterofmercy · 18/05/2015 15:19

dr has no business withholding contraception from her for this reason. She should complain.

I couldn't have a smear for over a decade as I had a benign growth which had to be removed before anyone could get anything up there. Most of my 'friends' abandoned me because they thought I was making things up but people don't have operations for imaginary ailments.You have absolutely no idea what reason your friend has for refusing so please have a little more patience. Just be there for her and be subtly pro-smear whilst she works her way through it.

Gabilan · 18/05/2015 15:19

"I can think of plenty, all of which have deep psychological roots and cannot be resolved by someone who doesn't know about them banging on about the topic."

This. YABU and also, despite good intentions, very unhelpful. It is her body and her decision. If I were her I would complain about the GP. Pressuring somebody to have a procedure they do not want to have performed on their body is deeply unreasonable, it's bullying and it's unethical.

You can tell her the facts but after that just leave it, as pressuring her is unlikely to make it better. I have in the past avoided seeking medical help about some issues because I know I'm going to get pressured about other things. It helps no-one.

Iggi999 · 18/05/2015 15:20

You could ask her, is there anything that could be done to make it easier for her? Maybe she would have an answer to do with who performs it, or who goes with her, or speaking to the nurse in advance or whatever. Or maybe if she reflects on it she might wish to disclose something to an appropriate helpline, for example.
Although the OP sounds like she's adding to the bullying, the friend has brought it up with her so must want to discuss it to some extent - I have no idea whether friends have smears or not as we would never chat about it.

FiveExclamations · 18/05/2015 15:25

A quick google suggests that hormonal contraception can increase the risk of cervical cancer (US site) so based on that I don't think the GP is unreasonable.

Did she ask your opinion? How did you originally find out she doesn't go? I'm generally of the view that adult's medical decisions are between themselves and their Doctor and everyone else should mind their own business but if she keeps bringing it up and asking you to agree with her that's different.

Incidentally my last smear, which came back clear, did hurt, not enough to be an issue but definite ouch at the time and some soreness for a few hours afterwards. Won't stop me getting another one though.

Elsashmelsa · 18/05/2015 15:25

YABU OP.

Firstly for telling your friend that it doesn't hurt and it isn't embarrassing!! Your experience may not be the same as hers or anyone else's.

It took me 3 years to pluck up the courage to go after all the ones I had to have repeated when I was younger because I bled too much during the procedure, having my DD was less painful than having a smear (and that was pretty horrendous too).

It's a horrible experience for me with loads of bleeding and I always cry during it. So don't assume that your experience will be hers. Obviously she hasn't had her first one yet so she won't know whether it will hurt or not, but clearly she has her own reasons for not going.

Mamus · 18/05/2015 15:26

I'm torn between thinking she's an effing idiot who should just get over herself and respecting her complete right to bodily autonomy. The latter wins, because it is her body and she does get to choose, and because I know my first reaction is utterly unreasonable and entirely down to being the niece of three sisters who all had cervical cancer. I think I'd have to say to her that it isn't a subject we could discuss on the grounds that I don't think I could be supportive of her choices.

specialsubject · 18/05/2015 15:27

tell your friend that it is her body and her choice, that you respect that she understands the risks of not having one and that if she wants to talk more, you are there.

and leave it at that.

Gabilan · 18/05/2015 15:45

"A quick google suggests that hormonal contraception can increase the risk of cervical cancer (US site) so based on that I don't think the GP is unreasonable."

The GP is refusing to write a prescription for contraception without her having an invasive medical procedure. S/he is being entirely unreasonable. The effects of an unwanted pregnancy far outweigh the risks of her getting cervical cancer. The risks to her from not wanting to go to the GP because she is being bullied also far outweigh the risks of her getting cervical cancer. Having sex increases the risk quite drastically, is the GP saying she should stop that too?

NB I'm not in anyway belittling the problem but it is her body and her decision. If she goes into the situation informed about the risks and still decides she doesn't want the smear then that is entirely up to her. Anyone else can think she's an idiot and can disagree with her, but it's still her body.

Given time, sympathy and understanding she might change her mind, especially as she gets older and the risk increases.

UmiSays · 18/05/2015 15:56

You can't force her to have one, but if she were my good friend, I would be gently trying to coax out why she is so set against having one. If its fear, embarrassment, an issue from past abuse etc...it can be overcome with the right support.

I wouldn't be forcing the issue on her, obviously, but I would let her know that if she wanted to talk about it at any point in the future, she could always turn to me and we could look at ways of helping her feel better about the test. Its such a quick and straightforward test and could be a life saver.

I say this having just buried a good friend at 35 yrs old. Mother of four, never had a smear, was taken to hospital with a urinary infection that wouldn't go away last September, no other symptoms. She was diagnosed with stage 4 (terminal) cancer and died eight months later.

I wish to God I had said something .

FiveExclamations · 18/05/2015 16:21

Gabilan I'm basing my it's not unreasonable of the GP on the fact that our (and thought all) GP(s) will not allow repeat prescriptions for hormonal contraception, Asthma meds and I would imagine other things without a yearly review where they require a blood pressure check/peak flow and listen to the chest respectively. Whether they would actually refuse to give the medication in the end to someone who refuses I don't know.

I appreciate that to most minds a smear is different because it is so invasive, so from that perspective I agree with you, I just don't know whether the Op's friend can force the issue and get her pills without one.

Signlake · 18/05/2015 16:24

Sorry YABU. At 27 your friend is an adult and is old enough to make her own decisions. If she understands the risks of not attending (which I imagine she does if the GP has nagged her - which is totally unreasonable in my opinion) then it's completely her choice!

I find it completely disgusting that contraception is being withheld because she refuses to take part in a VOLUNTARY screening program. I would complain to the practice manager. Absolutely shocking that anyone would agree this is a good idea

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