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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I know, I know, you don't own a name...

59 replies

hohummmmm · 18/05/2015 11:39

So bit of back story, I have 2 dds, after my second I had a bit of time of it. It was touch and go for me, dd was fine. But after she was born I was full of the joys of being alive and having more children wasnt even on my radar.

I had 2 names that I liked for boys and just a few weeks after my traumatic time DSIL came to visit telling us she was pregnant, great news, and that if it was a boy she was planning on using my 2nd boys name choice as "you'll obviously not need it now"

So dn has a lovely name.

Fast forward 5 years and I'm still in my early 30s and DH and I have said that we will give it 2 years until I finish a course I'm doing and maybe consider a 3rd.

However, my other DSIL is pregnant and informed us yesterday if she has a boy she's using our 1st choice...

They are not common names, not even in the top 100. Her DH doesn't like the name.

So, I know it's not definite we'll have a 3rd and if we do it will probably be another girl but am I being unreasonable to say "that's great it's a lovely name, in fact, if we ever have a boy we'll still be using it"??

I'm actually really hurt by it, I know it's ridiculous. She might have a girl so it might be a non issue.

Both DSIL had girls first and had their own choice of boys names, so unsure why they both changed to "my" names when it came to the second children.

OP posts:

Hmmm2014 · 18/05/2015 11:41

Of course you would not be unreasonable to still use your favourite names. You don't own the name, and neither do they (although it does seem a bit odd of your SIL). Maybe the best thing is not to talk about baby names at all, and just do what you want.....

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 18/05/2015 11:41

I think I'd be annoyed too. But yes, warn them you will be using one of those names if you ever have a DS.

Losingmyreligion · 18/05/2015 11:42

One more reason never to tell people what children's names you plan to use. Bad luck OP.

Thurlow · 18/05/2015 11:43

Yes, it's unreasonable and irrational and a bit ridiculous but I do get it.

Just nod and smile at the moment. There's nothing to be gained from saying anything about the name at all at the moment.

If you have another DC and if it is a boy, then think about whether you want to use the name.

Fwiw I'd be a bit mullish too - a very close friend has used (very common) names for two of her DCs that we really liked, but as we even have the same surname that really writes those names off for us! It's a little irritating but not worth causing a ruck over.

breadstixandhommus · 18/05/2015 11:43

Ummm.....in the nicest way possible......I think you are being a teeny bit ridiculous. Your SIL is pregnant, you aren't even TTC and you're stressed about a name that may not even be used?

I'm sorry you had an awful time of it but B&Q sell amazing grip.

DoJo · 18/05/2015 11:44

As always, a time machine whereby you could go back and not tell anyone your short-listed names would be the best solution! Given that they genuinely don't think you'll be having another, I don't think it's unreasonable of them to consider the name that you originally chose. However, in this instance, and if you don't have a problem with cousins having the same name, then I don't think it would be unreasonable to let them know that you still intend to use the names should you have a third either.

Snozberry · 18/05/2015 11:45

It is annoying that they chose names you wanted, but real baby trumps hypothetical baby so what can you do? I'd still use it yourself if you want to though.

AuntyMag10 · 18/05/2015 11:46

You aren't even pregnant, there are so many ifs, you're being petty.

foraret · 18/05/2015 11:46

I would feel embarrassed for her that she can't think up her own unusual name.

I get that you have two girls and don't need a boys name, but if I were in her shoes, I'd hate for a SIL to know that I hadn't found the right name myself . Maybe that's just me. I'd feel a tiny bit embarrassed for her.

formerbabe · 18/05/2015 11:47

Yabu....you aren't even definite you will have a third child, nor do you know what gender it will be if you do! You cannot expect her to not name her child on the basis of you maybe having a third child one day. Besides, I see no issue with children in the same family having the same name...you can still use it.

fourchetteoff · 18/05/2015 11:48

Sorry OP, but yes, you don't 'own' a name, especially when the baby would be a hypothetical 2 years away from birth.

She is not 'using' your names, she is using names you just happen to like as well. It would be incredibly silly in this case to be upset about it.

fourchetteoff · 18/05/2015 11:49

Hang on - her DH doesn't even like the name?
For that SIBU.

Original poster

hohummmmm · 18/05/2015 11:50

breadstix that made me laugh! Yes I do need a grip.

I've not had the best of times with my in laws so can't help be paranoid that it's to get at me.

Don't want to drip feed but had I known 8 years ago what I know now I certainly wouldn't have told them.

OP posts:

fourchetteoff · 18/05/2015 11:53

You still like the same name after 8 years?! Amazing.
I look at the alternate boy/girl names for my kids and almost swoon in relief that I didn't have that gendered child. I get an enormous "Why the hell did I like the name Sigfried/Brunhilde" so much feeling.

Feminine · 18/05/2015 12:01

You've got masses of time to start looking for more original names...
Don't tell anyone though

AmateurSeamstress · 18/05/2015 12:06

Sorry, I think you just have to deal with it.

Just be really enthusiastic: ooh you're using our boys' name? Oh fabby, if we both have boys next time they'll be name twinnies! Squeeee!

CoupDetat · 18/05/2015 12:06

This is a lessened I learned win my first DC! I don't think you ABU to be annoyed but you haven't used the names, you just intend to use it in the future for a baby that you might have.

Never tell anyone (bar DP/DH, making sure to tell him not to tell ) the names you like as anyone could easily spread what you like. When I was pregnant with DD1 8 spent ages going through names and books to find a female name I liked, for some reason I found it harder to pick a girl's name than a boy!

SIL was pregnant at the time as well and asked about names I had in mind and I stupidly told her. She was due a week earlier than me so imagine my surprise when she informed me that she would be naming her daughter the name I had picked, for talks sake let's say it was Cara. I was angry and annoyed but I put on a straight face and told her "That's nice but I'll still be naming my daughter Cara. " She didn't take that too well and proceeded to tell everyone I 'stole' her name, though surprisingly enough she changed her mind on the name once I told her I had no intention of changing mine.

Bursarymum · 18/05/2015 12:07

YABU - you're not even pregnant. If you were, it might not be a boy. And even then you might not use the names you originally picked. I had different name short lists for each of my pregnancies. And my third dd had no name for 2 weeks because I didn't feel the names I had provisionally chosen for her suited her so I had to think of something else!

Is this really actually a main source of stress for you? And yes, just don't tell other people your ideas.

RedToothBrush · 18/05/2015 12:08

Is this the school playground?

Sorry, but its too much she did this and she did that and she stole my imaginary dog level.

I think you need to grow up a bit.

"Its not even top 100" is utter bollocks anyway. That's still fairly common and being related in someway means there may be a subconscious preference for certain names anyway due to shared things in life.

And how the fuck does the traumatic birth of your second have any bearing on this? Did you just add that to get sympathy so we'd all take pity on you and side with you because obviously your SILs should behave differently to you because of that. Sorry, not following that logic. It sounds dangerously like a guilt trip and self pitying to manipulate others.

Frogswaaaa · 18/05/2015 12:19

That's harsh RedToothBrush. I got the impression OP was explaining why family might not expect them to have another baby. They therefore feel that they can use 'their' name. I'm not sure there's much you can do OP but I would definitely be making my feelings clear to sil and bil and not trusting them with any information, name related or otherwise, in the future. Hopefully as bil doesn't even like the name this will come to nothing.

Original poster

hohummmmm · 18/05/2015 12:23

Not using it as a guilt trip, that was the reason sil used the name. Her reasoning was that we wouldn't be having more Do it was OK for her to use the name.

I did say it was ridiculous. I'm not denying that it's silly to be upset, far from it.

OP posts:

fourchetteoff · 18/05/2015 12:25

Also agree that that was a bit harsh and dismissive on the poster, Red.

Feminine · 18/05/2015 12:25

red mean post.
Read it back, see if you'd like to be the recipient.

LilacWine7 · 18/05/2015 12:26

I understand why you feel upset. Have you told them you might want a third child or do they both think you've completed your family? If the latter, it's not U of them to want to use the names and maybe they thought you'd be pleased the names were being used within the family rather than wasted.
I think you should tell them you still hope to have a son and that you'll be using the name(s) if you do. After all, if you got pregnant again there's always a chance you might have twin boys!

knittingdad · 18/05/2015 12:28

They really don't have this problem in Ireland where there's a Patrick, Mary and Theresa in every family. Only a slight exaggeration.

There seems to be something weird culturally going on where the choice of baby name is a massively important cultural signifier, and the only thing worse than choosing a rubbish name is "copying" someone else's choice. It used to be that this would be taken as a mark of respect.

There's nothing wrong with cousins sharing the same name.

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