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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know, I know, you don't own a name...

59 replies

hohummmmm · 18/05/2015 11:39

So bit of back story, I have 2 dds, after my second I had a bit of time of it. It was touch and go for me, dd was fine. But after she was born I was full of the joys of being alive and having more children wasnt even on my radar.

I had 2 names that I liked for boys and just a few weeks after my traumatic time DSIL came to visit telling us she was pregnant, great news, and that if it was a boy she was planning on using my 2nd boys name choice as "you'll obviously not need it now" Hmm

So dn has a lovely name.

Fast forward 5 years and I'm still in my early 30s and DH and I have said that we will give it 2 years until I finish a course I'm doing and maybe consider a 3rd.

However, my other DSIL is pregnant and informed us yesterday if she has a boy she's using our 1st choice...

They are not common names, not even in the top 100. Her DH doesn't like the name.

So, I know it's not definite we'll have a 3rd and if we do it will probably be another girl but am I being unreasonable to say "that's great it's a lovely name, in fact, if we ever have a boy we'll still be using it"??

I'm actually really hurt by it, I know it's ridiculous. She might have a girl so it might be a non issue.

Both DSIL had girls first and had their own choice of boys names, so unsure why they both changed to "my" names when it came to the second children.

OP posts:
Original poster
hohummmmm · 18/05/2015 12:28

I think I'm more upset at the fact that I think she's said it to upset me. I mean if your Dh doesn't like a name you wouldnt go round saying that was your choice would you?

OP posts:
NewNameForMarch · 18/05/2015 12:29

I'd tell her "That's OK, to be honest I've gone off the name. A friend's just had a boy and called him (name) and I think it's lovely" and see how long it takes her to change her mind and use that one instead!

Original poster
hohummmmm · 18/05/2015 12:31

knittingdad I have a large Irish family and two lots of cousins with the same name, lots of second cousins with same name so it wouldn't bother me but might bother SIL. That's why I was thinking id say now that if we had a son we'd still consider using the name.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 18/05/2015 12:31

You told them 8 years ago what your favourite boys names were; had two girls and now you're pissed off because they haven't ring fenced the names for you in case you have a (not yet conceived) boy?
Ridiculous...

BluebeardsSidekick · 18/05/2015 12:33

"am I being unreasonable to say "that's great it's a lovely name, in fact, if we ever have a boy we'll still be using it"??"

Of course you're not. You name your baby whatever you want to name him. What's the worst that can happen? Will he turn orange with purple spots? No! The worst case scenario is that grandma and other family members who know you both will have to refer to "Big John and Little John", "Hohum's John and HohumSILs John", or, "John Paul and John Peter". It won't kill them. Call him the name you like, take no notice of anyone else's decision.

Christelle2207 · 18/05/2015 12:35

I can see how it would be annoying but given the issue is hypothetical I would just let it lie for now. I'm hacked off (am overdue with DS2) that Bil/ SiL have just had 20wk scan and announced what they are going to call their DS1, it's got very strong family connections - I'm fairly sure that they would have guessed that that particular name was high on our list, it's as if they're making their feelings known now as they know full well that we haven't settled on a name yet. Confused

Floggingmolly · 18/05/2015 12:38

They don't have to wait for you to "settle". First come first served Confused

SpinDoctorOfAethelred · 18/05/2015 12:43

OP, I think your response "that's great it's a lovely name, in fact, if we ever have a boy we'll still be using it" is perfect. Go with that.

They need to hand out advice slips in the Bounty mum-to-be packs. The slips would say, "never ever share your naming shortlist with anyone whom you would resent for taking inspiration from you".

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 18/05/2015 12:48

I see absolutely nothing wrong with saying that.
You are not saying don't use it. You are just saying, if you ever have a boy, and maybe you won't and maybe you will, that you will also use that name.

Just make sure you stay calm, and say it nicely.

They wouldn't be the first or last cousins with the same name...

Hillingdon · 18/05/2015 12:50

I think some people just have too much time on their hands tbh.

My SIL gave us a list of names she wanted to use for a boy. Not just one but 5.

She didnt have a baby for over 10 years and then had a girl.

Never share your thoughts with others. Some pull a face and give their views of that name. Others will claim its one of the favourties and do YOU really want to choose it because they were hoping to use it when the time came...

Big yawn to this AIBU

Rosieliveson · 18/05/2015 12:59

I get it. You don't own a name but still it feels like 'yours'.
I remember being put out when my SIL was pregnant and said my MIL was pushing for a particular name. It was the name I had told MIL (a week earlier) that I wanted. In the end neither of us has used it anyway.
I agree with pp and would just say "great, I love that name. Won't it be funny if we end up with sons having the same name" She may well change her mind. If not, there is no reason you can't still use it.

DoJo · 18/05/2015 13:03

I'm fairly sure that they would have guessed that that particular name was high on our list, it's as if they're making their feelings known now as they know full well that we haven't settled on a name yet.

Well, it's obviously high on their list too and they have settled on it so why not make their feelings known?

Collaborate · 18/05/2015 13:24

Just explain that you may have a 3rd, and if it's a boy you'll be using that name - wouldn't that be exciting!!! Watch her face drop.

FelicitySmoak · 18/05/2015 13:32

Here is my 'worst case scenario'..

My parents thought they couldn't have children but had made no secret of the fact that if they ever had a girl she'd be called 'Fay' (not my real name btw, just an example).

My Aunt (Dad's sister) had known Mum's thoughts but called her daughter 'Faye'. Mum wasn't bothered by this especially.

2 years later and after 20 years of marriage I appeared as a complete shock. As she'd always said she called me 'Fay'. My Aunt went batshit. She screeched down the phone to my Father, refused to speak to my Nan (her Mum) as she felt she was 'siding with them' even though I'm told Nan was desperately trying to stay neutral. By Christmas my parents and my Nan were told to 'leave the children's Christmas gifts in the porch. Don't bother knocking.
And there ended their relationship. Aunt never spoke to any of the family again and didn't attend Nans funeral some 16 years later. When my Dad died 5 years ago she wasn't there either.

45 years of isolation from a large family all because my Mum named me Fay.

Grantaire · 18/05/2015 13:37

There's a big difference between what you logically know to be true (you can't steal a name and you may never use it) and how you feel (I loved that name, it was unusual and I imagined my future son having it, still do).

I don't like the polarisation of AIBU. Of course nobody is unreasonable to feel a certain way. We aren't all utter paragons of virtue, thinking only pure thoughts and never feeling cross or jealous or tired or anxious. I despise this notion that people can tell you how you should or you shouldn't feel. If you had taken a shite on your SIL's doorstep and screamed racist obscenities an inch from her face, perhaps the name-calling and sneering might be more understandable.

Effectively:

OP: I'm upset and I acknowledge it's silly.
Quite a few replies: Grow up, you're ridiculous, petty etc.

It's an unfortunate situation for you.

I've never thought much about it but when my DB had his children he rang me up to check he wasn't planning on using names I had my heart set on (we had all our children in the same 5 year period so either SIL or I were pregnant at any given time in those few years). Likewise, he mentioned names he loved and I put them on the 'not to use' list. This isn't precious or silly, it just made sense at the time so clearly there are people out there who quite amicably decide that avoiding names other v close family members like is sometimes a kind thing to do.

foraret · 18/05/2015 13:40

No matter who liked the name first, no matter who put it out there that they like the name first, it is the family of the second baby to get the name that have really 'stolen' it imo. REAL babies with birth certs trump hypothetical babies every time.

to use felicity's family as an example, her mum was in a sad situation wanting a baby and seeing her SIL not only have a baby but call it Faye, but then when she did have a baby, to give it the same name as her niece... to make a point, after all those years? stubbornness imo.

AliceLidl · 18/05/2015 13:41

Have the names increased in popularity since you first said you wanted to use them, and made SIL's think they want to use them too?

Or the other way, have the names the SIL's previously liked increased in popularity, and put them off, so they've turned to your less popular names to stand out a bit?

Perhaps that's why they've decided to use them.

Either way, if you still want to use the name, use it.

This is why you should never tell anybody the names you like. They might like them so much they use them first and then resent you for copying.

That said, my cousin told me her boys name long before I was ever pregnant, and it was one that I really liked. But when I did get pregnant it never made it onto our list because I knew it meant more to her. It was a name from her fathers side of the family, and important to her. I would have felt wrong in using it.

Sadly she hasn't conceived, and I'm even more glad we never used 'her' name because I feel it would have rubbed salt into a wound if she had to hear me call my son by the name she wanted to use.

Oddly, I had my son two months before another cousin's wife had their second child, and we chose the only boys name they said they wanted to use. We hadn't discussed names beforehand, so I had no idea they were thinking of it until we told everyone DS's name. They were a bit upset, and they said they would still use it if they had a boy. They had a girl in the end so it didn't matter but they were not happy with me at the time.

annielouise · 18/05/2015 13:52

I would give her a big smile and say go ahead, we actually went of the name a while ago and if we do go on to have a third that's a boy there's a name we prefer. Refuse to say what. I think they're a tiny bit jealous of you and it's a territorial thing where they're trying to assert their position in the family for whatever insecure reason. Don't buy into it or show you're bothered.

If however that's the only name you'd consider for a boy use it and tell them you will if it comes to you having a boy. They'll be different ages so it doesn't matter. And it was "your" name first so if it ever comes up why they've the same name just say you loved it and when you told DSIL she loved it too so used it.

ollieplimsoles · 18/05/2015 13:52

Felicity your mum.was right to stick to her guns, she chose a name that meant something to her and didn't let anything stop her. The aunt sounds a bit loony to be honest!

FelicitySmoak · 18/05/2015 13:56

forate weirdly we weren't the only cousins to share a name. On my Mums side brothers called both children Kerry, one male, one female. They shared the same surname as well.

I managed to have a relationship with 'Faye', we saw each other frequently as we lived close together. I think it bothered us both that the whole family had imploded over something as simple as a name, and a common one at the time at that. It didn't bother us at all that we shared a name and we never understood what the problem was.

FelicitySmoak · 18/05/2015 14:04

ollie without wanting to derail and turn this into a 40 year old AIBU lol, the whole scenario was much complicated by the fact that 18 years earlier Mum had a baby girl who'd died on delivery. She hadn't been named, as was common then, but it was no secret that had she lived she'd have been 'Fay'.
It had been known in the family that my parents were desperate for a child and that was her name.
I could have understood Mum being upset when DN was born (she wasn't) but to this day can't get my head round why Aunt was so angry.

Families. Funny things. Kind of glad to be an only child Smile

timelyreminder · 18/05/2015 14:32

YANBU. Just say it's a lovely name, one you might use one day, and think no more about it.

DoJo · 18/05/2015 14:43

her mum was in a sad situation wanting a baby and seeing her SIL not only have a baby but call it Faye, but then when she did have a baby, to give it the same name as her niece... to make a point, after all those years? stubbornness imo.

Or to look at it another way, had her parents 'given up' a name that they had loved and that meant a lot to them, just to appease a family member who obviously thought so little of them that they were prepared to lose contact with them all over something so minor, then they would have regretted it.

ConfusedInBath · 18/05/2015 14:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chrome100 · 18/05/2015 14:55

YABU.

As you say, no one owns a name. If you have a boy, just call it what you want. It doesn't even matter if he has the same name as his cousin. You can call them "Big BABYNAME" and "Little BABYNAME" (my sister has the same name as our cousin and this is what we did. No problem).