"Well you had kids"

[OhHolyFuck]

Does anyone else get this? Anytime I mention I'm tired/ bit stressed/ got a lot on etc why is the first response "well you had/chose to have kids"?!

Ds1 (4) has come out in chicken pox and I'm 8 weeks with dc3, I'm due at the midwife on Monday for a booking in appointment (and even getting one this early was a minor miracle so if I don't go, it'll be weeks before I can see her and obviously I need 10 week bloods doing and her to arrange my 12 week scan), dp can't take it off work and I can't take ds1 so having a bit of a moan to a 'friend' over text and they replied 'if only you thought of that before doing the deed'...yes, that's helpful, thanks

Just wound up and annoyed, no family help from either side, useless friends and now a week of quarantine and I miss an important appointment....but, hey, I chose to have kids!

I think you're moaning to the wrong person. It's a bit unreasonable to expect a single man with no kids or commitments to emphasize. What did you want him to say?

Empathize nor emphasize!

Baddz thank you!

I didn't think of it as being kind just, you know, not horrible

You know what, I'm going to really try my best to be kinder to others. You've made my day Baddz, I'll pass it on

YANBU OP. But I also imagine that some of the posts on here that imply that people without kids don't really have a clue about being tired could be just as annoying to childless people as your friend's comment was to you.

YANBU OP. My younger sister says this all the time.

Such a helpful comment.

komodo fuck everyone else, if your feeling like its getting too much, then you have to tell them ok? Tell somebody supportive - dp or health visitor?
That's one of the problems of the "well you had kids" response, it stops people reaching out when they need it because they're constantly being told it's their own fault for getting in that situation in the first place

I don't know if it'll help, but this pregnancy (dc3) is a massive surprise (had lots of surgery and consultant said it was vv unlikely) so I also feel the same some days, unsure and bloody terrified of what we're doing
Pm if you need a chat?

Op, congratulations on your surprise pregnancy
I wish you all the best, and as you say. Fuck em
If you need a rant/cry or some emotional support, do PM me.

I also imagine that some of the posts on here that imply that people without kids don't really have a clue about being tired could be just as annoying to childless people as your friend's comment was to you.

This.

I have 3 and I get this all the time too. It really pisses me off. I have to pretend even to my own family that everything is rosy all the time, otherwise I get, "well you chose to have 3 kids". Yes I did, but it's really not helpful when people say this.

I think it depends on why you were moaning. If it was just general moaning and just hoping to get a bit of empathy/a listening ear then YANBU and his comment was unhelpful.

If it was moaning with the intention that he'd take a hint and offer to look after your sick kid, then YABU. If your friends are 'useless' when it comes to offering, you might be considered by them to have form for this. At the very least, you should ask them outright if they can look after them and they can answer yes or no. Your kids should not be perceived by you as a problem someone else can solve.

With you 100% OP. Bottom line, this bloke is supposed to be a friend, and someone who replies like that is not being a friend.

It's funny, when I was doing my PhD and sometimes I was tired and looked tired, if I saw family etc they'd be like "oh don't work yourself too hard", never "well, you chose to do a PhD." I guess people perceive working for a PhD as an admirable thing to do that brings benefits to the rest of society. I wonder why the same doesn't apply to bringing up the future taxpayers and bum-wipers of the country?

mim can promise you i was absolutely not hinting! He's never spent any time with DSs so they wouldn't really know who he was, he's completely not comfortable around small kids and i knew he'd be at work during the day anyway...

I've raised nine year old ds completely alone since birth (no contact with dad) and can count on one hand the number of offers of help I've had from friends, despite having a lot of friends on paper. I learnt early on never to ask and to keep complaintS to a minimum. The result is that everyone always says how well I cope/coped! well yes cause I've had no fucking choice. The result is that it's made me fiercely self sufficient and creative with solutions to problems. You'd be better off just working things out between you and your dp and not expecting any help from friends. if there is no solution to a problem well then you just have to go with that.

And i meant "useless" in being able to sympathise or empathise - i don't have a dog or sick relatives but still manage to make appropriate comments or offer to help when my friends talk about theirs

What a stupid thing to say... of course YANBU.

My friends don't really have a clue about kids but they have never said anything like that. He must have been joshing, surely?!

FrSpodoKomodo please talk to someone if you are feeling low. My health visitor was amazing, she helped me so much and is a very good friend to this day.
If it is just a phase, I can honestly say it will pass and times do get easier with little ones. Some days my children and I float around, dressed beautifully without a care in the world. I set up craft activities on the kitchen table and go for walks with small tubs of cucumber sticks/raisins/carrot sticks in my back for a snack.
Other days my hair is a greasy mess on my head, with crumpled jeans and an old tshirt, stressed out while my 18 month old daughter is pushing over a giant tower of frosties in Tesco express while I try and control her while I just pay for my bloody petrol and Mars bar that I will happily enjoy with a brew when it's finally nap time. Then there's the days I could happily just stand in the garden and scream for a good 5 mins then return to my little darlings!
I can look back now on certain times with a smile or even laugh but when you're right in the middle of it, blimely it can be rough!

OP not a useful comment at all, I don't understand why people use it esp when your complaint isn't even child related!

I must admit, if I ask someone how they are, it's out of politeness. I don't want a rundown of everything that's going tits up at that particular time.

By the same token I'm not that keen on people just telling me their woes either!

Not heartless, just disinterested in the minutiae of someone else's life - plenty going on in mine, and I don't feel the need to share it around thank you very much!

I probably wouldn't say it, but I'd definitely be thinking it - and I have said it to people who have broken themselves skiing, playing rugby etc. same as I've had it said with regards to my sporting injuries

I get it from the other side. If I moan about being tired my friends with kids act like I don't know what tiredness is or I'm not allowed to be tired cos I don't have kids.

People saying OP is being unreasonable... Do you ever complain about anything? Because surely 'you brought it on yourself' can be said about a lot of things.
Do you ever moan about your job? You chose to work there. About your husband/partner? You choose to be with them. About your friends? You choose to spend time with them.
OP YANBU. If you were constantly moaning about how hard work your children are then I can see it would get wearing but that doesn't seem to be what you are doing.

As a step mum, to me this is no different to: "Well you knew what you were getting into when you married a man with DCs." Which gets thrown at me on here any time I have a moan about general DC related pain in the bum stuff.

Annoying, isn't it?

According to my Aunt, I won't be an adult until I give birth in 2 weeks time, and I'm 26... your Aunt is a knob. Pretty daft thing to think when there are perfectly capable adults in the world without children. I hope it was just something she said to you as it could be hurtful to someone unable to have children.

YANBU OP. A bit of sympathy isn't difficult is it? Presumably that's all you wanted as it was via text. His response was dismissive and thoughtless.

I agree Waggle.

I was reading Good Housekeeping yesterday and Amanda Holden made some remark about how only mothers really worry about their mortality. That kind of shit is so unfair on people without children.

As if anyone 'knows what they're getting into' when they go from having no kids to some kids (regardless of whether they gave birth to those kids).

'I also imagine that some of the posts on here that imply that people without kids don't really have a clue about being tired could be just as annoying to childless people as your friend's comment was to you'

This again. The martyrdom is really hard to take sometimes. On the other hand OP, I think your friend is being very unsupportive. It's a glib, silly, hard-of-thinking response and I'm sure its not what you need. You have every right to moan - we all do it sometimes! It's just letting off steam and there's nothing wrong with that.

ballet - that is just the sort of dim, sentimental shit I would expect from Amanda Holden. She's vile.