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AIBU?

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Original poster

"Well you had kids"

104 replies

OhHolyFuck · 16/05/2015 23:20

Does anyone else get this? Anytime I mention I'm tired/ bit stressed/ got a lot on etc why is the first response "well you had/chose to have kids"?!

Ds1 (4) has come out in chicken pox and I'm 8 weeks with dc3, I'm due at the midwife on Monday for a booking in appointment (and even getting one this early was a minor miracle so if I don't go, it'll be weeks before I can see her and obviously I need 10 week bloods doing and her to arrange my 12 week scan), dp can't take it off work and I can't take ds1 so having a bit of a moan to a 'friend' over text and they replied 'if only you thought of that before doing the deed'...yes, that's helpful, thanks

Just wound up and annoyed, no family help from either side, useless friends and now a week of quarantine and I miss an important appointment....but, hey, I chose to have kids!

OP posts:
MintyChops · 17/05/2015 04:47

Your friend is a twat.

Eastpoint · 17/05/2015 05:14

I'm on the 'poor you' side. Have you had chicken pox yourself? Hoping that all is OK. With dc1 I only saw the doctor at that point (lived somewhere where you saw an OB/GYN once a month) as I didn't get a positive test result until I was 9 weeks. Way back in time they did bloods at 16 weeks but people had scans earlier.

NRomanoff · 17/05/2015 05:44

I say this, but only when I am fed up of the constant moaning people do about how inconvenient having kids are. I do get fed up.

On the plus side you don't sound like you like him very much, so its not big deal.

Sothisishowitfeels · 17/05/2015 06:49

I am expecting dc6 I get this comment a lot. A recent example would be while commenting on how complicated a tent is to put up. " well you did have loads of kids"!

Ignore it :).

Superexcited · 17/05/2015 07:02

When did the chicken pox rash appear? If it has been more than a week then it is no longer contagious. The problem you be is that your dc2 will likely get the chicken pox just as dc1 is over it so if you rearrange the appointments for next week you will be unable to take dc2 to the appointment. Could your DH not nip out of work for a couple of hours? Could he explain the situation to his boss and see if he will be lenient enough to allow a couple of hours off?

Your friend is out of order though, somebody gave birth to him once and no doubt his mother had similar dilemmas when he was a child.

HagOtheNorth · 17/05/2015 07:06

Maybe his mum could look after your DS, she obviously takes parenting very seriously.She could make them both a nice snack.

GlitteringJasper · 17/05/2015 07:18

He doesn't sound like he likes you very much?!

GlitteringJasper · 17/05/2015 07:19

As in a true friend, who cared about you, would be making sympathetic noises at least for your predicament,

It's a crap and pointless comment for him to make.

PutWittyUsernameHere · 17/05/2015 07:28

YANBU. Yes, you may have chosen to have children, but they are bloody hard work, and sometimes that needs to be expressed. And god forbid there should ever be anything difficult going on your life...

I shall never say anything to anyone other than my life is fucking amazing and butterflies shoot hourly out of my arse because if I dare say any even mildly negative thing that may be going on, I clearly chose to bring it on myself with my wanton reproduction
I shall memorise this and use it on any condescending twat who talks to me like your delusional man child of a 'friend' spoke to you Grin

CheerfulYank · 17/05/2015 07:30

YANBU in my book.

I'm due with DC3 and I get it alllllll the time. I have been so ill with this pregnancy and in and out of the hospital and having to deal with DS and DD, who is the world's most feral toddler...and if I say ANYTHING I get a sing song "that's why I would never have three-eee". Angry

Fuck right off.

onefootinthebed · 17/05/2015 07:42

Get a new friend.

Ask your families,you never know one of them may supprise you.

Me and my sister say this tony mum though jokingly when she complains about one of us last week she invited means my family for Sunday dinner (I live an hour away) I told sister who told my brother who told my other sister and we all arranged to go for dinner near mums. I think she just enjoys complaing.

PeachyPants · 17/05/2015 07:54

YANBU, I've never has this IRL but you do get a minority of posters on MN with this attitude (parenting website is a very weird place to hand out if you have no patience with parenting difficulties!). I wonder whether your friend is bitter and jealous and on some level realises that his man/child existence is a bit pathetic.

crazykat · 17/05/2015 08:10

I hate answers like that, as though kids are the only reason you're tired.

I also don't think saying you're tired in answer to "how are you?" is wrong or annoying.My friends and I usually answer "I'm knackered" when asked how we are as we all have young kids.

We'd also offer to have each others dcs in your situation, it's what friends do. One of my friends offered to take dd to school for a week when the others had chickenpox and I'd do the same for any of my friends.

If you can't get someone for ds could you phone the midwife and explain the situation and ask her to book the scan without seeing her? You could have the bloods taken a bit late or have them done by the phlebotonist when your ds is back at school.

A home visit wouldn't be a good idea as you can pass chickenpox on to others even if you're immune and the midwife spends the day around pregnant women and new borns.

ItsTricky · 17/05/2015 08:50

Your kids will be paying their taxes to keep this twunt face in his retirement. And quite possibly wiping his arse too.

Original poster
OhHolyFuck · 17/05/2015 08:52

Thanks everyone this morning, thought I'd wondered onto Matthew Wrights forum last night with the breeder hatred!

I wish I had friends like you all saying you'd offer to help in the same circumstances, your current friends are very lucky

OP posts:
Littlemonstersrule · 17/05/2015 09:23

It does get tiring listening to people moan about life choices they made and how hard it is and I think your friends comment would be made by many or at least thought by many.

Having children is a choice made by the parents and them alone. Extended family and friends shouldn't then be burdened with that choice. They have their own lives to lead.

EponasWildDaughter · 17/05/2015 09:34

But everybody's moans and gripes can be 90% of the time be traced back to some choice they've made! What kind of friend or loving family member thinks to themselves 'hmm, what did they do to bring that on themself?' and then say it out loud?

''Oh, my ankle hurts a bit today'' - ''well'' - ''you would go skiing''!

''Gosh my back hurts and i'm knackered'' - ''well, you would be a bricklayer''.

''My finger is bleeding'' - ''well, you will insist on gardening!''

Lovely way to live. Why not just say something kind?

My mother likes to put the boot in about her opinions of my life choices by snippy remarks when i'm vulnerable. The result is i've learned to put up a defensive wall and so never tell her anything much. She just gets a glossy false version of my life.

Original poster
OhHolyFuck · 17/05/2015 09:39

little did you miss the bit where I said dp and I do 100% of the care? I have never 'burdened' anyone with my kids...
Unless you mean talking about them to anyone also counts as burdening?
Maybe I should just keep them in a dark cupboard in silence with no toys and occasionally shove a dry crust of bread under the door, wouldn't want to burden anyone with their presence....Hmm

OP posts:
JammyGeorge · 17/05/2015 09:40

YANBU.

I work full time with 2 young ds's, house to run etc and I do get bloody annoyed with people's attitudes sometimes.

I think life for mums these days is so much harder and isolating than the last generation. All I get from my mum and aunts is a sarcastic comment about how they know how hard it is as they've done it.

Well actually I don't think you have as none of you worked and you all had each other for support and to help out in situations like the ops. You had my grandma round once a week to help clean the house. She took the washing away and it was brought back washed and ironed.

My mum loves me and the kids but has made it clear we are on our own.

makeminea6x · 17/05/2015 09:45

I'm with Epona here. People talk to their friends about their lives, and sometimes that involves grumbling and even gasp asking for help.

It's a cold cruel world if you can't find something nice to say to someone when they are struggling, and offering to help if you are able. Maybe they will even return the favour one day, or maybe you'll just get the benefit of not living life as a selfish grumpy arsehole.

PeachyPants · 17/05/2015 09:47

The 'breeder' hatred on the Wright Stuff pisses me off too but MW has said that he and his wife endured rounds of unsuccessful IVF and IMO that's where it comes from. It's really irritating that he has this attitude but I think it's more understandable in this context.

whattheseithakasmean · 17/05/2015 09:52

But some people do seem to moan about being tired more than others - not saying you are one of them OP - and it is annoying.

I had a friend who was self employed & was always banging on about how tired she was & how hard it was to run your own business. I did end up thinking 'stop moaning to me about your choices'.

Plus, it can be annoying if you are utterly wiped yourself, but soldiering on, to have someone mumping about how they are soooo tiiiiired. You do end up thinking 'suck it up, buttercup, we're all tired'.

So, on the fence with this, but if your moaning about being tired is consistently getting push back, perhaps you are doing it too much & need to consider other people aren't transported around in sedan chairs being fed peeled grapes & may be tired themselves, but not go on about it.

Fauxlivia · 17/05/2015 09:54

I think matthew wright is a bit tongue in cheek with the breeder comments. When it comes down to it he seems to want decent opportunities etc for kids. He's not without compassion or sympathy for the hardshipd parents and children sometimes face.

If posters are going to support the view that OP has brought this on herself, I hope they never ever complain about any aspect of their life bar illness because everything else they've had a hand in choosing!

Hestheone · 17/05/2015 09:56

Your friend sounds as helpful as my ex.

Having a rant on Thursday night to him via text because the dc had been in bed 2.5 hrs and wouldn't go to sleep,I'd been up to them about 10 times by this point.

His reply"they don't do it with me"

So would have punched him in the face if he'd been in the room

fiveacres · 17/05/2015 09:57

My brother used to do this.

He did a night shift and he was EXHAUSTED. Oh, no one, NO ONE was more tired than him. YAAAAAWWWWWNNNNN. Ohhhhhhh GOD, he'd exclaim, I'm SO tired - oh you have NO IDEA what it's like - YAAAAWWWNNNN.

It PISSED ME OFF! I would often snap 'well don't work fucking nights then!'

Op sounds fine though Grin

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