"Well you had kids"

[OhHolyFuck]

Does anyone else get this? Anytime I mention I'm tired/ bit stressed/ got a lot on etc why is the first response "well you had/chose to have kids"?!

Ds1 (4) has come out in chicken pox and I'm 8 weeks with dc3, I'm due at the midwife on Monday for a booking in appointment (and even getting one this early was a minor miracle so if I don't go, it'll be weeks before I can see her and obviously I need 10 week bloods doing and her to arrange my 12 week scan), dp can't take it off work and I can't take ds1 so having a bit of a moan to a 'friend' over text and they replied 'if only you thought of that before doing the deed'...yes, that's helpful, thanks

Just wound up and annoyed, no family help from either side, useless friends and now a week of quarantine and I miss an important appointment....but, hey, I chose to have kids!

YANBU.

Just to make you feel better, even more annoyingly my children say this to me

The situation OP describes is very stressful and a goods friend would sympathise. However it is extremely annoying when people complain about various mundane aspects of parenthood - tiredness, cost of childcare. Some people do it incessantly.

I assume you've had chickenpox yourself, OP? Please don't take your older ds to an appointment with lots of pg women around though!
It sounds really hard to manage. Is be going down the dh must take a small amount of time off personally. It is a childcare emergency as you cannot mind child and go to appointment. Just ignore the friend for a while, maybe he will get the hint.

I'm NOT bitching about the kids!

Everything listed in the OP is kid-related suffering though.

Hmm. I worked with someone who was a moaner. Always 'I'm soooo tired' tales of vomiting children, how her pregnancy was keeping her awake and she was sooooo tired and how visitors were coming and - guess where this is going - she was soooo tired. It was very annoying and we did end up saying this to her once or twice - it's more polite than STFU.

Appreciate she did have a LOT on, but if that's the case then order your life differently, don't just keep moaning!

Weird isn't it. Occasionally these days if people ask how I am I might say I'm knackered due to work being busy. No one has ever said "well silly you for working" or "well you chose to work full time" people always are sympathetic about how hectic life is.
When the dc's were little and I was mainly at home with them (as well as a part time job) if I commented I was tired it was "well what did you expect with four dc's" type comments (never oh maybe work was what was the cause of the tiredness or the constant juggling)
Strange

have yo uthough of ringing the surgery and asking to be put in a separate room while you wait? I have been let in the back door and ushered into a spare examination room when dd had the lurgy and hurt her ankle. also when I had a drug eruption (allergic rash to antibiotic) my previous surgery ushered me into a separate waiting area.

poor you op, that sounds knackering and would give anyone a reason to moan

your friend is a dick, maybe a nice enough dick when life is going ok but not someone to call up or text when the shit hits the fan

BTW, isnt it always the ones who stay at home too long, or never move away from their hometowns and actually do anything without help who are the greatest experts in life?

He's a single man. When I was a single man, I regarded everyone who chose to have kids with suspicion. I thought they must have had some part of their brain removed, to fuck up their lives by doing something so stupidly self-destructive. I probably would have reminded them of their stupidity, any time they complained about anything.

It honestly didn't start to occur to me that their was going to be any upside to having children, for me, until I was strapping on the gown before going in to attend DW CS. And even then I think it was triggered because the anaesthetist practically ordered me to be excited. (Would be interested to know if that was part of procedure, or if it was just her.)

I had something similar when my mum died and I was really missing her, someone who moved into their mums home and lives rent free with their family there and their mum still doing everything for her told me to stop living in the past.....

takes all sorts but is f**ng annoying

But seriously; why not just say something sympathetic and let them and the conversation move on?

If a friend tends to moan constantly every time you see them or hear from them, and expects the whole convo to be about them then it's time to cut ties.

It' worth remembering that when a person is going through a rough patch they'll often moan heartily about the more mundane aspects of their life. It's an indication that they are feeling down and need a little verbal TLC.

The irony i find is that people who complain about others not 'keeping a stiff upper lip' are usually the ones who whinge and complain pretty non stop about their own stuff and don't even seem to see that they're doing it!

As a corollary, I never understand when single people say with no commitments like your friend say they are tired ... not that your friend is saying that, but if he ever does, feel free to have a dig at him.

Blimey, I work 4 jobs - I don't have kids but I do get bloody knackered! I don't moan though well not much

This is why I love my bestie, we can both have a good old moan about tiredness/illness, and neither of us are bothered about the circumstances that led to it. Hangover, babies, whatever... we recognise that a bit of release makes us both feel a bit better.

I used to moan to everyone, mostly because I was looking for something, and it turned out all that was was someone who understood and and who let me talk without trying to fix it or blame my poor choices. Now we know who to call or visit when we feel crap, and everyone else is saved the negative stuff.

It does help that we are both in a similar situation, both disabled, both with children under ten, I had no idea before I had children how blooming tough it would be. I knew it would be difficult at times, but the scale was all wrong in my head.

Poor you OP - hope you get some RL help soon.

Two people have already asked this but I don't think you've answered - have you had chickenpox?

Really urgent if you haven't had it/are unsure it's important to get in touch with your midwife ASAP .

actually wellies, having two children with additional needs sounds like a walk in the park compared to working four jobs.. ( actually a walk in the park with two dc's with additional needs is no walk in the park...ermm.. )

Yanbu.And you are entitled to have three DC and occasionally say how hard it can be.

On a practical note, I think you may have to get dh to tell his work that you have a vital appointment and that he needs to look after the kids while you go. I know some jobs are awful for getting time off but I don't see you have an alternative.

I'm shocked that I came over as a 'breeder hater', and sorry if this is the case. Please have some

You did ask for our opinions, though, and I did give mine.

I don't consider myself a breeder hater, and it's not that I think this every time a parent says anything other than wonderful things about the experience of being a parent. But some people DO moan constantly, and if they have more than one, this is something that flashes across my mind. I'm not saying you're one of those, OP.

In particular I wok with someone who has 3 children she seems to actively dislike (to the point of making them cry). I think it about her a lot.

Are you in South wales? If so I'll come round on Monday and watch your chickenpoxy one! I've had it, and I've finished uni for the summer!

Op, ignore all the people being negative, I mean yes you chose to have three children but that does not mean you aren't allowed to have a moan every now and again. I know plenty of people who only have the one child and they never stop moaning! (Like somehow they have I hard! Lol)

Anyway I understand were you're coming from. I too chose to have a third child with my dh, our first two children were what you'd call model babies/toddlers and although we weren't nieve enough to think dc3 would be exactly the same we genuinely thought we'd managed brilliantly and our kids were so laid back that parenting came naturally and that having a third would be fine. As it turns out our youngest ds is autistic and our world has turned completely upside down. Due to dh changing jobs I'm on my own all day with my youngest and most nights and I am honestly tired every single day, exhausted Infact. But if someone turned round and gave me the sort of comments that you've been getting I'd completely flip. I am allowed a moan especially with what i've had to deal with these last few years and so what if it just so happens to be my third child! If my eldest was the one who had additional needs I'd still be just as tired as I'd of gone on to have at least one more child regardless as having an only was never ever an option for me and dh.

Yanbu, I get this too. I had twins "well you chose to have them", not helpful.

My brother said this to me when DS was a month and a half old. I was on the phone to him, he asked how I was and it sort of fell out my mouth. Cue a gale of "your choice to have a child" & "do you think I'm not tired too?", "full time proper job" etc. I hung up. He never mentioned it again.

A year later db had his own son. I phoned him and could hear he was almost in tears. He kept calling his son my sons name too. He was completely shattered. I resisted putting the boot in though and gave him the usual "I have no advice but you have my sympathy".

I have no idea how I managed that, I must be getting soft in my old age

Look, sometimes having kids is fucking hard.
Grinding, tiring, anxiety ridden and hard.
And that's if you have so called "normal" children.
If you add in kids with Sen or sn or kids with MH or health problems then it can be 100 x worse.
I love my dc. I really do.
But at times I could weep with exhaustion and frustration.
I am 42 and my dc have nearly broken me.
How could I have envisaged that when looking at booties in mothercare?
How can anyone?
There just seems to be such a lack of sympathy for people going through a hard time atm...any hard time.
It's sad.

pirate...that was incredibly kind of you x

Ignore all though very irritating. I found the comments just keeping coming since dc4.