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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tell me DH is BU

61 replies

sleeplessbunny · 16/05/2015 16:19

A money AIBU. We are in similar roles, similar wages although lately I've started to out-earn DH and I don't think that is helping the situation Sad. In principle (Hmm) we pool all money but since kids there is little left over for hobbies etc so DH has started ring fencing odd bits of his pay for his hobby. Like his bonus (he tells me that's OK because I can keep my bonus for myself too Hmm) and now he wants to keep 50% of any overtime he earns for his hobby. The rest goes to normal family accounts.

I let the bonus one go and used mine to book a holiday without him but now the OT thing is properly pissing me off. It affects the whole family when he works long hours, and we urgently need to do house repairs that we are putting off because we can't afford them Hmm

I want to tell him it's all family money or we can go back to living like housemates and just split the bills. He would lose out as the lower earner, and that is what is holding me back. He would see it as me trying to wield financial control over him...

Weirdly I think I would be in a stronger position to force him to play fair if I earned less than him.

There have been times when he has outearned me and we jogged along quite nicely but money wasn't tight then.

I grew up in a dysfunctional family where money was the prime form of control in an EA relationship so I have a tendency to be a bit odd about finances. but DH is BU here isn't he?

OP posts:
Original poster
sleeplessbunny · 16/05/2015 16:20

sorry, over-use of emoticons!

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 16/05/2015 16:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AdeleDazeem · 16/05/2015 16:28

Well because if they both just kept their own paycheques to themselves, and he earns less, he would have less disposable income.

diddl · 16/05/2015 16:30

Why does he feel that he has to hold back money to pay for his hobby rather than pooling all money & paying from there?

Why don't you both start saving an agreed amount for repairs?

If all of the OT money goes on repairs, can he still do his hobby?

LindyHemming · 16/05/2015 16:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Littlefish · 16/05/2015 16:31

Agree how much you are both going to keep (eg. £100 per month). Then, all other funds go into the family pot, be they overtime, bonuses, pay rises or whatever. That way, it doesn't matter who is the higher earner - you both end up with the same.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/05/2015 16:32

How much consultation was there about what proportion of the budget goes to hobbies, repairs and so on? Because it seems that the actual issue is that he wants more fun money an doesn't, presumably, think the repairs are as urgent as you do.

Maybe time to sit down with the budget and look at what needs and wants you have and what you each want to assign.

Silly, piecemeal ring-fencing is not what works in the long run.

WhoNickedMyName · 16/05/2015 16:33

Depends how much money we're talking?

It's not unreasonable to want to have some money to spend as you like without having your DH/DW approval.

Starlightbright1 · 16/05/2015 16:42

I think you need to sit down and discuss your budget..is it an expensive hobby?

I think you need to work out what your priorities are. both of you I mean not just one of you

TheAuthoress · 16/05/2015 16:46

How do personal spends currently work? We get both our salaries paid into our joint account, but then we have an equal amount of money back out into our personal accounts for personal spending. Hobbies would come out of this personal spends money.

I've worked out the budget so we know what we can afford. Any windfall payments, like bonuses or overtime are split equally or maybe spent on a specific house repair - it's discussed in advance. As a one off I wouldn't have an issue with DH keeping his windfall payment for something in particular but wouldn't be happy with 50% of overtime being kept for himself as I'd be the one at home dealing with the house and kids while he worked that overtime.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 16/05/2015 16:51

Your priorities are different. You want to spend both of your spare money on the house; he wants to spend both your spare money on hobbies/lifestyle. He spent it on his hobby, you on your holiday, without him..(Sorry about the poor grammar, you get the gist hopefully).

I don't think either of you are unreasonable, but you need to find a compromise.

Fairenuff · 16/05/2015 16:57

Why did you cross out the bit about the holiday? I'm confused about that, did you have a holiday without him or not Confused

Original poster
sleeplessbunny · 16/05/2015 16:57

Our priorities are completely different: I am the sensible one who likes to save and he just sees any leftover as spending money. He spent £1500 last year on his hobby which I think is outrageous. He always says I can always spend the same on my hobbies but I just can't think of anything that expensive! And I couldn't bring myself to spend that on a hobby while we need house repairs. The holiday thing was quite out of character and it felt weird, I couldn't enjoy it properly without the family with me.

We used to have £200/month or so each kept for personal spending but that disappeared with DC as it just wasn't affordable anymore

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 16/05/2015 17:01

The fact that your priorities are different doesn't make yours right and your DH's wrong! They are just different. I don't think your wishes take priority, unless the repairs are urgent.

Sprry op, but I think he should have a say where he is able to spend his salary.

alwaysstaytoolong · 16/05/2015 17:19

So he's pooling all of his usual income and 50% of his OT or bonus but wants to keep some for his own spends.

And he has no problem with you doing the same?.

I don't think he's being unreasonable. You've said he contributes most of his income to family money.

I'd be really pissed off if you told me I couldn't have at least some of what I earned to myself because you thought It could be spent elsewhere. Unless the household was going without and it clearly isn't if you could spend your bonus on a holiday.

A man posting this about his DW would have his arse handed to him Smile

Theycallmemellowjello · 16/05/2015 17:20

Yes he ought to have a say, but if in practice op is putting her money into a house which is jointly owned he's getting the better deal really. Particularly if there's stuff that genuinely needs to be done and it's just that op cracks first and pays for it. I think that actually agreeing what needs to be done and how much it should cost is a good start. Agreeing to both take a certain amount as spending money and pool the rest sounds fairer than him just keeping his bonus and overtime. But actually in your situation and if he were unwilling to compromise id also be tempted to separate finances and split the bills. That seems like a bit of a nuclear option though and might precipitate further problems.

Mostlyjustaluker · 16/05/2015 17:27

I have said this before but this is how DH and I organise money. We each keep back the same amount of money each for our 'pocket money' (kept in individual accounts) to spend on clothes, going out and wants. Then everything else is put into the joint account for house stuff, food, bills and anything cat related. We save from the joint current account into the joint saving accounts for house repairs and joint holidays. This way we have our own spending money and I can't get annoyed when he spends his money on crap.

I think you need to sit down and plan how you organise your money.

gingerbreadmam · 16/05/2015 17:39

so glad i read this thread. i was just going over a similar thing in my mind the other day and nearly started a thread of my own but worried i came over bad in it.

the putting all the money in one account and having same spends fo back into our own account might just work tho.

so sorry as i have nothing useful to add other than i know how you feel. i outearn dp yes he has more free money than me and seems to live a life of luxury whilst im watching every penny. its tough.

Fairylea · 16/05/2015 17:43

Do you not allocate yourselves equal spending money? That's what we do. So all money into a house account, all bills come out of it, a set amount spent on food transferred to another joint account and we agree a set equal spending amount each which is transferred back to our own single accounts. Anything we want we have to use that to save for etc. All bonuses and overtime are either put into savings or pooled into house account to be used on family things.

specialsubject · 16/05/2015 17:52

are you flatmates with benefits or life partners? A marriage or the equivalent should be a team effort.

you've got kids and a house that needs maintaining. You don't have a secure job because no-one does. What happens if one or both of you lose their jobs? What happens if someone gets ill?

if he doesn't realise these home truths, time he grew up.

suggest a sit down, a look at all the necessary expenses and upcoming ones - THEN see what is spare for fun.

OneMillionScovilles · 16/05/2015 17:57

DH and I pay into the bills/groceries pot in proportion to take-home pay; as a result the remaining 'play money' isn't equal, but is fair IYSWIM. Important note: we don't currently have kids!

Not really seeing where the idea of equal play money comes from if there's a vast disparity between earnings and no kids to consider? If DH earned squillions I wouldn't expect to be subsidised - could someone (genuinely!) explain where I'm missing the point pls?

gingerbreadmam · 16/05/2015 18:19

for me million i earn more than dp and he felt pressured to move in with me. as he was on a lower wage i agreed to pay more in bills because he felt pressured. it made sense at first. i have more expenses than him though. some of this is debt i accumulated before our relationship. some of it is debt i have got into keeping up with the things he likes to do in leisure time.

his wage now fluctuates. this month he had over £700 to himself. i had about £200. by the time paid out for bday presents and lunches at work i am literally watching every penny whilst he kps telling me how many hundreds he has left.

were now expecting our pfb and i think at a stage where we need to re-think things but i dont know how to do it fairly as i dont want him feeling he is paying my debt that is nothing to do with him.

also-quick question. if we wanted to get a joint account does it matter were both into our overdrafts?

Fairylea · 16/05/2015 18:22

Million, I guess it may be different when you have kids. For us I am a sahm and dh earns. He is able to earn because I am looking after the kids - if I wasn't doing it he'd have to pay someone. So we are both contributing equally and should be regarded equally with equal spending money from the joint pot. We also did this when at one time I was the breadwinner and for health reasons dh wasn't working.

I think if you live as a family then surely all income is family money and should be shared equally? Otherwise you are just living as flat mates..

Littlemonstersrule · 16/05/2015 18:30

I don't think he is BU, he hands over all his wages into the pot and wants to keep his bonus and OT for a hobby. Just because he has a wife doesnt mean he has to sacrifice his enjoyment and hand over everything.

I'd be very cross if my DH expected me to spend nothing on myself as he wanted to spend my wages elsewhere.

Sickoffrozen · 16/05/2015 18:36

The hobby may be expensive but what does he spend the rest of his money on? I know for a fact that I spend much more on clothes, nails, hair etc and but he spends more on hobbies because I don't really have any. Have you factored that in or does that come out of family money too!