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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tell me DH is BU

61 replies

sleeplessbunny · 16/05/2015 16:19

A money AIBU. We are in similar roles, similar wages although lately I've started to out-earn DH and I don't think that is helping the situation Sad. In principle (Hmm) we pool all money but since kids there is little left over for hobbies etc so DH has started ring fencing odd bits of his pay for his hobby. Like his bonus (he tells me that's OK because I can keep my bonus for myself too Hmm) and now he wants to keep 50% of any overtime he earns for his hobby. The rest goes to normal family accounts.

I let the bonus one go and used mine to book a holiday without him but now the OT thing is properly pissing me off. It affects the whole family when he works long hours, and we urgently need to do house repairs that we are putting off because we can't afford them Hmm

I want to tell him it's all family money or we can go back to living like housemates and just split the bills. He would lose out as the lower earner, and that is what is holding me back. He would see it as me trying to wield financial control over him...

Weirdly I think I would be in a stronger position to force him to play fair if I earned less than him.

There have been times when he has outearned me and we jogged along quite nicely but money wasn't tight then.

I grew up in a dysfunctional family where money was the prime form of control in an EA relationship so I have a tendency to be a bit odd about finances. but DH is BU here isn't he?

OP posts:
Love51 · 16/05/2015 18:43

Its not the wife that costs money littlemon its the house!

pictish · 16/05/2015 18:48

I don't think he is being unreasonable to want a say over a small portion of the money he earns.
I don't think £1500 is lot to spend on a hobby in a year either.

I think you're being a bit mean actually.

RandomMess · 16/05/2015 18:49

I think you do need a "spends pot" so as well as hobby spending it's for your own clothes/make-up and perhaps stuff you splurge on for the dc that isn't actually the essentials you need but stuff you buy because you get enjoyment from it?

If the pot covered that would it then be more equal?

Topseyt · 16/05/2015 18:52

I don't really think that either of you are being unreasonable. You are just at loggerheads and have differing priorities.

He puts his wages into the pot. He wants to keep his bonus and thinks that you could do the same. So far that sounds equal, to an outsider anyway. He wants to keep half of his overtime and that is the sticking point. Do you do overtime? Could you keep 50% of your overtime?

Are you talking of major house repairs? Would he be amenable to getting the house repairs done over the next few weeks and then starting his proposed scheme of finances when they are done and paid for? Would that take, say, three or four months? Then you could re-jig the finances and it would matter less perhaps?

pictish · 16/05/2015 18:54

I have hobbies and interests outside of my marriage - if my dh tried to tell me I wasn't allowed to spend my a little of own earnings on them, I'd tell him to fuck off. Even if the house does need repairs.

Penfold007 · 16/05/2015 18:58

Would working out how much money is needed to pay the bills and support the family costs per month and you both putting 50% each into an account ring fenced for that. Then maybe the same amount into an emergency fund account work for you? Then you both get some money to spend as you see fit. If he blows it on his hobby then that's his problem.

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 16/05/2015 19:01

I think in successful relationships, people should have equal free leisure time and equal "spends". Then there is no resentment and people can spend their agreed own time and money as they wish.

After many years of being the SAHP, DH is now the sole earner and there are generally no issues as everything coming in has always been "ours". When he started work, he did lots of overtime - he said he had earmarked the overtime for something big he wanted and was that ok? I was a bit surprised as we never had had that arrangement, but as he was the one getting up at 3.30am and working long shifts, I said sure, turns out he was saving it for a piece of jewellery he then gave me a surprise Smile

Equal leisure time and equal spends though, usually, is the fairest way.

Original poster
sleeplessbunny · 16/05/2015 19:13

So I'm BU?
oh.

OP posts:
Original poster
sleeplessbunny · 16/05/2015 19:16

Maybe I'm being a bit martyrish spending very little on myself & luxuries and then getting cross when DH doesn't follow suit?
(I promise the holiday was completely out of character!)
I just feel really uncomfortable spending money when I know it could be saved for the family, we have lots to save for.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 16/05/2015 19:34

I think £1500 is a lot to spend on a hobby if you don't have a lot of spare cash, but it depends on your income and outgoings, as well as how much you value that hobby.

I don't think you or your DH are being unreasonable, you just have different approaches to money (you want to save and spend on "sensible" things, he wants to spend on a hobby). So really you need to sit down together and work out a budget. Ideally this would include compromising and agreeing reasonable amounts i.e. what you can afford and are both happy with to a) spend on yourselves b) spend on the house and c) save. Once you have factored in mortgage, bills, food, family holidays and other expenses, of course.

NameChange30 · 16/05/2015 19:37

Also does it bother you that the hobby takes up his time, not just money? I guess if he's working overtime and doing his hobby a lot, that probably leaves little time for him to spend with you and the children, whether that's helping out (with looking after the kids and with household chores) or spending 'quality time' doing fun things together as a family.

Original poster
sleeplessbunny · 16/05/2015 20:50

Actually re-reading more carefully it looks fairly split. You all sound vary sensible, we do need to sit down, agree, budget, compromise etc. We are really bad at all of those things sadly.

I am starting to think we need to go back to the £x/month for hobbies situation. That would be much more clear cut, and would piss me off way less than this unilateral declaration that he gets to keep his bonus and half of OT (he wanted to keep ALL of it btw, until I threw a wobbly) even if it turned out to be worth exactly the same amount. I do wonder what he would have done if he hadn't got a bonus this year (happens sometimes). I'm sure he would have just made up some other weird crap reason why he had to have £x for hobby.

Yes AnotherEmma his hobby does also take up a lot of time. Again, he has no problem with me taking the same time for myself, but I don't often do that as my hobbies are no where near as time consuming. It does cause some resentment from me.

OP posts:
HicDraconis · 16/05/2015 21:01

Difficult to say who's unreasonable without knowing what the hobby is - I spend easily £1500 a year on my hobby (martial arts - class fees, membership fee, training uniforms) and several hours a week at the dojo. It's not unreasonable for me because a) the whole family does it so it doesn't take my time away from them b) it's our only exercise c) gym fees would probably be higher! I'd be pissed off if DH as the sahp said we couldn't ring fence part of our income to make sure karate expenses were covered.

Otoh, if your dh's hobby is computer gaming then I'd think £1500 is a lot to spend on games in a year when the house needs work doing to it.

Suggest you look at total income, total non negotiable expenditure (mortgage / rent, debt repayment, bills, food) and split the remainder in half. Half goes into savings for things like holidays and house repairs, the other half gets split into half again for each of you to have as hobby cash.

SolidGoldBrass · 16/05/2015 21:13

It's important to have hobbies and money to spend on them. Living your life on permanent hold because you're saving for the sake of saving is utterly miserable. Unless your house is falling down and you are starving, I think you need to unclench a bit.

Iggly · 16/05/2015 21:18

Yanbu

You need house repairs. He's pissing money away.

(I will add - DH and I pool all funds and we have two kids. When times were tight we agreed to discuss spends in advance. That's out the window now funds have gone up again)

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 16/05/2015 21:50

Unless he's down the pub every night Iggly he's not pissing money away. Your attitude sounds controlling Confused

Preminstreltension · 16/05/2015 21:57

But if the OP is managing the kids at home on her own while he's doing the overtime then that's a joint endeavour and the money is joint. His overtime means less free time for her but all the money goes to him? Doesn't sound right to me.

DragonWithAGirlTattoo · 16/05/2015 22:00

Hic - just picking up your comment -
if his hobby is gaming, then why cant he spend his money on it, just because he doesnt want to do a hobby that includes all of the things you mention -

its either ok to spend him money on his hobby or not, there cant be condition like that attached.

For me - I think you should have a central pot and then take out the same amount and then you're not feeling taken advantage of

eyebags63 · 16/05/2015 22:03

From what you have said I think YABU.

It does sound like you are being the martyrish here. It sounds like you could afford to spend the equivalent on luxuries/hobbies for yourself but choose not to.

Unless you don't have the money to spend the equivalent on yourself I think YABU to say he can't spend on a hobby because you would rather he didn't....

1500 a year isn't massively excessive for a hobby, many regular club meetings or sports could easily come to that. I don't think it is relevant what the hobby is either.

CinnabarRed · 16/05/2015 22:16

What SGB said.

Iggly · 16/05/2015 22:30

How is my attitude controlling? Their house needs repair and he spends money on hobbies?

Me and DH are open about money. All into one pot. When things were tight we worked together and were not extravagant. Not one of us takes the reigns and actually we have swung from DH to being the higher earner, to me and back to him (currently).

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 16/05/2015 22:35

Iggly The OP would like to spend money on the house. Her DH doesn't. You said she's right, he's wrong 'pissing his money away'. Why is she right? It is controlling to insist what someone spends their money on.

pod78 · 17/05/2015 02:20

I don't think YABU. It sounds like you had an agreement about how to share money but now DH wants to change that but he will be the only one to benefit.

House repairs are important but so is getting enjoyment out of life. It is often very hard to balance these priorities. I'm sure DH's hobby is very important to him and of course that is ok (in an ideal world we'd all only do stuff we enjoy), but if the house repairs are serious and important then as a reasonable responsible adult, I can't see any other way forward other than him admitting to feeling frustrated but just sucking it up. It is not ideal but can't be helped.

Yet making big sacrifices is hard to sustain long term without some sort of resentment/ disatisfaction. We've had a long period of no money and lots of stress and it is taking it's toll on both of us and the relationship Sad. Perhaps in the medium to long term there are other changes you could both make so money is less tight eg work hours/ places, move house or some such? Not that moving is cheap. Much easier said than done and there may be nothing you can do. Money worries put so much pressure on a relationship, its terribly difficult.

I would suggest prioritising one of the repairs and specifically saving towards it by putting half of each bonus towards it plus whatever else is 'spare', thus achieving both goals albeit more slowly than you would like, and less often than he would like but it is a compromise where you both get a bit of what you want. Unless it is just downright dangerous or putting off repairs is a false economy and a bigger job and more expensive if delayed... then there seems not real reasonable choice.

Apologies if this what you are already doing/ trying to do OP

Iggly · 17/05/2015 06:50

I guess I don't see it as his money, I see it as family money because it is one pot. So the rest of the family has to put up with a crumbling home so he can have fun?
His hobby is not essential.

It isn't controlling, it is about priorities.

chrome100 · 17/05/2015 06:59

I think YABU. I actually have no idea what my DP earns. We both put enough of our salary in to pay rent and bills and the rest is ours.

I don't care what he does with the rest of it.

We split holidays, take it in turns to buy food (but not on a rota, just whoever is holding the basket says "I'll get this" etc).

It's his bonus and his money. I think he can do as he chooses with it.