Tell me DH is BU

[sleeplessbunny]

A money AIBU. We are in similar roles, similar wages although lately I've started to out-earn DH and I don't think that is helping the situation . In principle () we pool all money but since kids there is little left over for hobbies etc so DH has started ring fencing odd bits of his pay for his hobby. Like his bonus (he tells me that's OK because I can keep my bonus for myself too ) and now he wants to keep 50% of any overtime he earns for his hobby. The rest goes to normal family accounts.

I let the bonus one go and used mine to book a holiday without him but now the OT thing is properly pissing me off. It affects the whole family when he works long hours, and we urgently need to do house repairs that we are putting off because we can't afford them

I want to tell him it's all family money or we can go back to living like housemates and just split the bills. He would lose out as the lower earner, and that is what is holding me back. He would see it as me trying to wield financial control over him...

Weirdly I think I would be in a stronger position to force him to play fair if I earned less than him.

There have been times when he has outearned me and we jogged along quite nicely but money wasn't tight then.

I grew up in a dysfunctional family where money was the prime form of control in an EA relationship so I have a tendency to be a bit odd about finances. but DH is BU here isn't he?

And who gets to decide what order these priorities have to take?

I don't know that house repairs trump hobbies, unless the place is flooding or something. Tapping into our interests is really important from a wellbeing pov.

I'm astonished that there are women here that think this bloke has no right to lay claim to a small portion of his own wages for his own hobby. Ffs.

Because it affects the family that's why?

Me and DH - neither of us would dream of letting house repairs go so we could have a jolly! There are cheaper ways of seeing to your wellbeing.

Tbh, if I wanted repairs doing, & didn't have a hobby or a less expensive one, I wouldn't begrudge that money going on repairs even if OH wasn't matching it.

He gets the benefit as well, but so what?

I don't really get the "tit for tat" thing.

Just because he spends £1500 pa on a hobby doesn't mean OP has to!

It never fails to shock me how much people 'need' to spend on themselves monthly. Dh and I spend very little. That's because I don't work, and it's one of the ways I can afford not to. We still save a fair bit per month. Op seems like you have different attitudes towards money so neither of you is being U in your own eyes or in the eyes of people who see the same way as you. It's not really a right and wrong situation. You do need to save though as a priority, for house stuff, car stuff and holidays. One that is on track you can be more relaxed about the rest.

The best advice in these situations is to sit down with your life partner and decide how to spend the joint family money. This will involve compromise. You will need to discuss your savings goals, what money to put into your biggest asset (your house) and how much is available for fun and hobbies and nights out. Good luck.

Well it depends what the repairs are really. And I don't think OP has to pursue a hobby in a tit for tat bid either.
As with most things it's a question of compromise.

Without knowing you finances it is hard to judge. For some £1500 is a lot others not so much. I hate ring fencing of money particularly overtime which will affect the other parent. Being open and honest about what you want to spend money on allowing for fun. What you need to ensure is that the fun is evenly shared and so is the pain of saving money if there is something that needs saving for. You will only get there if you talk to each other and jointly decide spending plans.

Merry, I work hard so why shouldn't I spend some of my earnings on things I want rather than need. Life is very boring without hobbies, days out etc. If I didn't work it would be different as I'd have no way of financing them.

We teach children to work hard at school so as to benefit as an adult from a good job. It should provide a nice life not just cover the essentials.

I think each person should be given an amount of money and they can spend it as they see fit, just because one or other has differen priorities doesn't trump the other persons decisions. Yes house may need work but OP doesn't say what she means by that, it may be that the hall is really scruffy but it's still functional... As long as it's functional DH may not think its a priority but OP wants it pretty ( purely an example)

If you want house work done though I think that money needs agreed and agreed how it's going to be paid for - doesn't automatically come out of personal allowances!

Fwiw I don't think £1500 is a lot for a hobby PA. I spend way more than that and DH never ever says anything about it because it's what I want to do and it's important to me. He doesn't spend anywhere near the same amount on his hobby but has never complained.

I don't have an issue with spending loads on a hobby but when it comes at the expense of something else, I would.

I think the issue here is the mismatch of spending habits etc.

Thanks gingerbread and fairy - totally agree kids make a huge difference, particularly if one of you is parking paid work to be at home with them. Completely different dynamic to my hh, and I'd say having made childcare choices (parent, paid cc etc) any remaining money is basically family money - although this may be overly simplistic!

We've had times when my earnings outstripped his massively (contracting) and times when he's had to keep a roof over both our heads (depression etc) so we're v much in it as a team, and it evens out when you take a long term view - we definitely treat each other as equals financially as well as generally! Eg I have cut down to 4dpw at work because I struggle with crippling panic attacks anxiety otherwise. He's very supportive around this emotionally, but obviously it means that our household income is reduced, and also that I have (proportionally) less money to 'play' with IYSWIM? But this feels fair to me because I'm bringing less in. Not my 'fault' per se, but certainly not his and just how it is.