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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

And WWYD?

54 replies

SalyCinnamon · 16/05/2015 13:14

My first AIBU so please be nice..

A couple of weeks ago I was asked to be bridesmaid at a very good friends (and cousin) wedding, she made it clear it was going to be abroad and wouldn't be offended if we couldn't afford it as we have a young DS.

Yesterday she told us the dates, venue, resort and that, so I had a look and it is very expensive, so I waited for DP to get back from work and thought we could discuss it.

I told him the price and he has just said no. He won't discuss it, I'm sure if we cut back on certain things we could afford it, but whatever he doesn't want to go, so I said me and DS will go then, he has said no to this too, that if I want to go I go alone.

I'm gutted, he knows I wont go without DS, so I've basically got to say I can't be a bridesmaid, my whole family and lots of my friends are going so I'm not going to hear the end of it.

I understand if he doesn't want to go, doesn't want to spend his money on going, or whatever, but I'm upset he is refusing to let DS go, all of his cousins will be there and we will be the only family not there. His reason for not letting DSL go is 'he's not going on holiday without me' which I understand, but he could come!

I'm unsure of what to do, the wedding is a year away so plenty of time to save money, but if I have to constantly hear about where the bridesmaids and going (they have meals, wedding fayres, fittings planned) I don't think I will forgive him, or will get more upset about it each time they do something new.

I don't think I'm prepared to not go, but I don't have much choice, I could either

  1. go alone and not take Ds, but all of the other children will be there with their families and I will be alone and missing him.
  2. tell him I am taking DS and if he wants he can come too, but I know I can't do this, I can't just take his son because 'I want him to go'

What would you do?
Would I be unreasonable to say, look me and DS are going with or without you?

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 16/05/2015 13:17

But he doesn't want let ds go 'because he's not going away without me' Hmm

Is he usually so controlling and twattish?

Yes you should go with your ds and say so from the outset.

Ohfourfoxache · 16/05/2015 13:17

He sounds like a controlling cunt tbh.

Has he always been like this?

In all honesty I'd take DS regardless and re evaluate the relationship.

Imnotaslimjim · 16/05/2015 13:19

What an arse! He should not be trying to control you like that. If you want to go and take DS, you're perfectly entitled to. Go, I would

Idontseeanydragons · 16/05/2015 13:20

Why does he get the final say? If you have a clear plan to afford the trip for either all of you or just you and DS then for him to just say a point blank No is childish and very controlling.

PowderMum · 16/05/2015 13:20

So you cousin is getting married all of your family are going but your husband flatly refuses to go or let your son go. Is he usually this controlling or is this a one off? Could this be your holiday for the year? Do you think he is willing to discuss it more rationally or is it really out of your budget? How old is your DS?

mrsm16 · 16/05/2015 13:21

Oh this a tough one, dp is going to his sisters wedding abroad and we couldn't afford for all of us to go, he wanted to bring ds1 with him but I said no, it would cost more money and mainly because I don't want ds having his first plane journey/holiday without me there. I can see where your dp is coming from, my dp was happy to go alone and enjoy the sleep and few drinks! so that was long and no help. If i were you I'd try convince him to come with us or else none of us go.

WhoNickedMyName · 16/05/2015 13:27

there was a thread on here fairly recently, similar, but the sexes were reversed and the replies were mostly along the lines that no way should the DH 'be allowed' to take the child to the wedding with him, and the OP was even advised to hide the child's passport to prevent this.

interesting that in this scenario he's a controlling cunt.

I think you need to talk to him some more and find out why exactly he Doesn't want to go as a family, all three of you.

Quitelikely · 16/05/2015 13:30

How much more is it going to cost over and above your usual holiday?

Are we talking hundreds or thousands?

Original poster
SalyCinnamon · 16/05/2015 13:35

I think he's just upset about missing Ds's first holiday, I have worked out that we could afford it but we would both have to cut back on a few things, just to make it clear he has no issues with me going, just does t want DS to go without him.

I am thinking of sitting down with a pen and paper and showing where the money would come from, then presenting him with this, if he still refuses then I will just have to tell him that it is non negotiable, does this sound okay?

I really don't think he is controlling, maybe just worried about the money, the overall figure seems huge to us but when I spell it out that we have a year to pay and the things we will be cutting back on we wouldn't miss, I am hoping he will come round.

OP posts:
callmewhatever · 16/05/2015 13:36

Will he still have to make cut backs in order for you and your ds to go, even if he isn't?

Original poster
SalyCinnamon · 16/05/2015 13:37

We are talking around £350 each extra, but the resort we will be staying in will be all inclusive, so don't have to worry about spending money like we usually do.

DS is 6 months old, he will be 18 months at the wedding.

OP posts:
paxtecum · 16/05/2015 13:40

Maybe your DH would rather not have his holiday destination chosen for him by the bride and groom.
Maybe he doesn't want to spend a week on holiday with the rest of the wedding party.

Theycallmemellowjello · 16/05/2015 13:41

I guess it depends how much of an impact it would have on your finances. If it's in effect a financial decision that will have an impact on his life then he does deserve a say. Going without non-essentials for a year for a holiday is a big ask, though not an unreasonable one give how important this is to you. In any case, I think he is being unreasonable and, as others say, controlling to say no without any discussion.

AGirlCalledBoB · 16/05/2015 13:42

Why are you letting your partner dictate what happens with your son. It is both your choice surely, don't let him control the situation like that.

I would discuss it with him again and tell him you want to go and you want your son to be there. It's his decision not to come.

CatthiefKeith · 16/05/2015 13:42

I had similar with dh when I wanted to go on holiday with dd and my family. Ultimately it was the fact that dd would have a lovely holiday that swung it and he was ok about it in the end.

That said, even if he hadn't been, I'd have still have gone, with dd, because I am a grown up and can decide for myself.

Tell him neither you nor ds will be missing out on the wedding because of his selfishness. It's not like he isn't invited is it?

Original poster
SalyCinnamon · 16/05/2015 13:43

Paxtecum I can completely understand that, if that is his reasoning then I can't argue with it, but the thing is, he has just said 'no' with no discussion or reasons apart from the money, which there is a way round.

I will try to have it out with him after work

OP posts:
Theycallmemellowjello · 16/05/2015 13:43

Oh wait, sorry I actually just saw your update. It's not really about the money (he's fine with you going), it's about whether DS gets to go. I think he's being extremely selfish on that front - why should he isolate DS from his own family? I don't think the gender of the parent who wants to go matters in this case.

Original poster
SalyCinnamon · 16/05/2015 13:44

Cattheif- you make a very good point, I think I need to say this to him, since the conversation only happened late last night I don't think he has had time to think about it much.

OP posts:
chippednailvarnish · 16/05/2015 13:46

He sounds like a controlling cunt tbh

That's being rather complimentary. He's your DP not your parent.

Original poster
SalyCinnamon · 16/05/2015 13:46

agirlcalledbob- I am trying to avoid me dictating the situation as I honestly don't want to upset him, I think you make an excellent point though, that he is dictating the situation by saying no.

OP posts:
letscookbreakfast · 16/05/2015 13:47

Sorry OP but I can see where your partner is coming from.

LuisSuarezTeeth · 16/05/2015 13:47

I hate it when couples do this. It forces people to spend money and causes all sorts of problems. Get married where you like, just don't put pressure on family and friends to trail after you! I think your DP is being rather dictatorial.

BitOutOfPractice · 16/05/2015 13:49

How is he proposing to organise childcare if you go without DS?

Original poster
SalyCinnamon · 16/05/2015 13:50

Letscookbreakfast- so can I, I don't think I would be too pleased for him to take DSL on holiday without me, I think it's the lack of discussion that has upset me, if he has valid reasons then I would like to hear them.

Luis- if I told my cousin I really couldn't afford it she wouldn't hold it against me, she would really understand, so if the decision is that we don't go, then there will be no problems telling her.

OP posts:
letscookbreakfast · 16/05/2015 13:53

I suggest that you to talk to him to find out what his reason for saying no is. It doesn't strike me as controlling, particularly as you admit you wouldn't be pleased if the situation was reversed. Who knows, maybe his reason for saying no is silly and it can be worked out.