And WWYD?

[SalyCinnamon]

My first AIBU so please be nice..

A couple of weeks ago I was asked to be bridesmaid at a very good friends (and cousin) wedding, she made it clear it was going to be abroad and wouldn't be offended if we couldn't afford it as we have a young DS.

Yesterday she told us the dates, venue, resort and that, so I had a look and it is very expensive, so I waited for DP to get back from work and thought we could discuss it.

I told him the price and he has just said no. He won't discuss it, I'm sure if we cut back on certain things we could afford it, but whatever he doesn't want to go, so I said me and DS will go then, he has said no to this too, that if I want to go I go alone.

I'm gutted, he knows I wont go without DS, so I've basically got to say I can't be a bridesmaid, my whole family and lots of my friends are going so I'm not going to hear the end of it.

I understand if he doesn't want to go, doesn't want to spend his money on going, or whatever, but I'm upset he is refusing to let DS go, all of his cousins will be there and we will be the only family not there. His reason for not letting DSL go is 'he's not going on holiday without me' which I understand, but he could come!

I'm unsure of what to do, the wedding is a year away so plenty of time to save money, but if I have to constantly hear about where the bridesmaids and going (they have meals, wedding fayres, fittings planned) I don't think I will forgive him, or will get more upset about it each time they do something new.

I don't think I'm prepared to not go, but I don't have much choice, I could either

1. go alone and not take Ds, but all of the other children will be there with their families and I will be alone and missing him.
2. tell him I am taking DS and if he wants he can come too, but I know I can't do this, I can't just take his son because 'I want him to go'

What would you do?
Would I be unreasonable to say, look me and DS are going with or without you?

Bitoutofpractice- this was my first question, he said he will book the week of work.

Letscook- I think that is the way forward, hopefully it will just be a silly reason and we will get over it, if he has a valid reason, I would be willing to not go.

Well I'm in the thinking that when you're in the little baby stage you simply can't imagine being away from your offspring. Feelings can change when they're toddlers and on the move. Either you could be glad of the break by then or your bloke may get the horrors at doing the alone toddler thing alone for a chunk of time and will happily wave you off.

I really would play it by ear imho.

OP don't have it 'out with him' after work, I am not convinced that he is being controlling or worse, I think you both need to think this through calmly and rationally, you don't need to make a snap decision. If you are a family and want to stay that way long term and have a good relationship apart from this blip then all feelings and opinions need to be considered. Working out the finances is a good start, but there may be other reasons why he doesn't want to go, let him express those too. You don't have to like them but you should listen, and he should listen to you.

It's a long while since my DD was a 6 or 18 month old PFB but I do know that if my DP had suggested that he took her away with his family on her first overseas holiday without me I would have been very very upset. If we couldn't have afforded it as a family then we would all stay at home.

That figure isn't too bad. An extra £700 spread over the year won't cause too much of an impact.

I think you should discuss it again when he's in a better mood.

Maybe he was just annoyed that his holiday destination has already been decided. I do sort of understand it from that perspective

I think it would depend on

a) how much we had to cut back, if loads then no chance

b) if that was to be our only abroad holiday that year - if so I'd be pretty pissed off if my one expensive holiday of the years location was dictated to me

c) would we be spending the entire week with extended family/lots of people we didn't know? - my idea of hell and in no way a holiday (if in UK or have the option to do our own thing then fine but still not relaxing)

d) no I wouldn't want my dcs first holiday to be without one of his parents

I can see his point tbh.

I don't think his suggestion re. you going alone is wildly unreasonable. DS is going to be too young to enjoy or remember the holiday/wedding so from that point of view it is a waste of money. It also doesn't matter that 'all his cousins' will be there, he isn't going to feel left out if he doesn't get to go because he's too young to care. If he was 4 or 5 and understood what was going on it would be different.

Your suggestion of you all going isn't unreasonable either. It's not a massive amount of money and it means a lot for you to be there.

He is being unreasonable to not discuss it though.

(The 'controlling cunt' comments are ONLY because he is male. If things were reversed and he wanted to take DS to the wedding he would still be a 'controlling cunt' and you would still be the victim.)

Also, I don't think you need to miss out on all the pre-wedding fun just because you aren't going to the actual wedding. You can still go to all the other stuff even if you decide not to go to the wedding.

Shocked at some early posters suggestion that he's a controlling t**t, but then go on to suggest you do the same, OP. Glad you're not taking this advice.

These things need to be consensual. Tread lightly. You both need to respect the other. But if you both can't agree, you shouldn't be taking your son. That would work both ways.

Let's recap: Your dh is happy for you to go and willing to take a week off work to look after ds while you have a good time. I'm not clear on the problem. It is too much money for you all to go and dh does not want to spend all that money on attending a wedding. You will not be alone as you will have friends and family there. So you go alone.

Book yourself a place and don't look back.

Unless you have good reason to think your dh incapable of looking after ds?

I agree with everything that wayward said .

I am not sure why the DH is getting such a hard time.
Why is it Ok for the mum to say she can't bear to be parted from her DS for a week, but not the dad?

Would he really hate the place the wedding is being held? Or is he just cross because it's your family and he's not interested? (An issue in itself, if you ask me).

I think YANBU to want to go, and NBU to want to take your DS - and your DH IBU to refuse to discuss it, although he is NBU to not want to miss your DS's first holiday abroad. I think though, he should consider going - he still doesn't have to go to the wedding (although it would be a touch churlish not to) - but I can't see why he wouldn't enjoy the time away otherwise?

WWID - I would do as you're going to - try my damnedest to find out what's behind his adamant refusal and then try to reason him out of that decision. I would want to go, I would want to take my DS and I would prefer it if DH came too.

I think I am going to try to approach it again later, we have only done a quick online search for the prices and my cousin has given us a reference number for the travel agents (we will be getting a discount for being on a big booking) so we will have to go in the travel agents for a final price.

If he is just worried about the money then we can get around that, I am starting it now, writing down where the extra money comes from (if we decide we aren't going it might still be nice to see what we have to spend on a family holiday just the 3 of us)

If the reason is he doesn't want to spend time with my family (unlikely) or that he is annoyed about having his holiday decided for him (more likely) then we will just have to think of something else, maybe a family holiday around the same time so I dont feel I'm missing out)

I think the whole by discussing it was what upset me, and also that it came out of the blue, I was asked to be a bridesmaid months ago, he knew this, we went out and bought the bride to be a gift for asking me, I haven't shut up about it and we were talking about it like it was definitely happening, DP kept saying 'when we go to the wedding next year...'

But maybe he has just realised that it's happening and he's not okay with it, I guess I will find out tonight.

Thankyou all for your help!

Go on your own and enjoy, if that was an option I would have jumped at it rather than take an 18mth old on my own,

Good luck OP. Having the budget there when you talk is a good idea.

When DD was 6 months old I wouldn't have dreamt of going away without her, now she's 18 months id love a break! Agree it would be nicer to go as a family though if possible. I hope your chat goes well!

So, we had the chat, he has said that it isn't the money really, it's the fact that he has to make these cut backs to go somewhere he doesn't want to go, which I understand.

He also said that he wants our first holiday as a family to be about us and doing what we want to do, again I completely get this (there are activities planned for certain days while on holiday)

He said he was being a bit snappy when he said that Ds couldn't go without him and he is aware how it seems, he just doesn't like the thought of missing out on his first sons first holiday.

So he basically had two options: miss out on stuff he likes to go on a holiday he doesn't really want to go on or miss out on his sons first holiday, which I think it's a bit shitty of me to ask him to do this.

He's happy for me and DS to go, but I think I really did want it to be a family thing, so I am going to decide before Monday if I am going to go without him.

I don't think I will TBH, We have realised that (thanks to my amazing detailed report of out finances ) we could afford to go somewhere more expensive than we had planned if I do choose to do the family holiday, and I've been looking online and some of the places seem more like what I would enjoy, so basically it is up to me to decide what to do. I am really glad he told me the real reason behind it, just wish he would have said sooner

Thankyou all for your help, my first AIBU post wasn't too bad!

I think you have done exactly the right thing. Well done for talking it out, I hope you all have a lovely family holiday somewhere you all actually want to go! x

A good outcome for you.

I think for many mums in this situation, it is different how they feel about leaving their babies/young children to the dad's. I know that at 18 months my toddler is still more "mine" in terms of being close to me than dp. He misses her when away but doesn't seem to feel that gut-clenching sense of needing her near.

Good chat!

Umm, I don't suppose you can save enough to get around the whole "first holiday" thing by going somewhere this year, can you? maybe somewhere in September? That might alleviate the issue a bit more.

I was wondering if the wedding might be in a place where you could jump on to another place. For example last year we went on holiday and did portugal and spain as we were right by boundaries. If it was something like that and or a short plane hop elsewhere could you do the wedding and then leave after to have your family holiday alone?

I think people who have weddings abroad are the unreasonable ones. There's always going to be someone who can't afford it or doesn't want to fly etc. In this case it's causing upset between a husband and wife. I don't get it.. why not get married where all your friends and family live!

A friend of mine got married abroad (just her and hubby) and had a wedding 'do' when they got home. It was great.

Just a thought - your friend/cousin might completely understand if you can't afford to attend her wedding, until you go somewhere swankier the next month... I do think you've handled it right, but I would approach the explanation carefully if you don't want bad feeling.