Aibu to think that dh going on a lads holiday every year is a deal breaker?

[Gettingfedup2015]

Dh had never been on a lads holiday before dd was born. After dd was born dh wanted to go on holiday to Spain but I felt overwhelmed at the thought of taking a small baby on holiday abroad so he decided to go with his brothers instead as he did not want to holiday in this country. The next year we had a family holiday abroad but he also went on a stag week abroad. Now we have two dc and we are off on holiday abroad soon but first he has gone on tour with his football club. So it looks like this is something he will be doing every year. They are always to party places and with mostly younger guys and a mix of single guys, not sure if any of the others have children. I am getting fed up of this. I know I could go away myself if I wanted but there is no way I would like to leave my dc to go and party for a week. I feel really down about it tonight and am starting to think it might be a deal breaker. Aibu?

It wouldn't necessarily be a deal breaker for me, I would make sure I did the same and had a trip away each year with my friends!

Although a week is a long time and holiday from work is precious. So personally I think a week every year might be too long, but a weekend or 2 each year would be fine.

My DH goes away on a stag weekend probably once a year, and he's off for a cricket weekend with the lads soon.

BUT - I trust him. He's never cheated. He's going away with a load of blokes who are all married/in relationships and who have known each other for years (ie from uni mostly). All they do is drink and bang on about sport to eachother.

I totally understand how you feel and I think you need to address the trust issue with him, that's the real issue here I think.

I feel that both parties need a bit of time off to let their hair down occasionally. I don't get the whole "time is enhanced by me being there with him" POV - sounds very needy.

OP - you say you couldn't leave your DC for a week, but why not try a long weekend? I don't think it's fair to stop someone else doing things just because you don't fancy doing it yourself...

I was going to say YABU but I think if a consequence of his cheating is no lads holidays then I feel like it's a small price.

OP, I would be deeply suspicious too, as he has had form in the past and the people he is going with (younger, single) are likely to want to go on the pull.

The biggest factors for playing away are opportunity (tick) and what his peer group are doing (tick tick), coupled with his own track record for cheating, which you have in spades here.

Dh has his own business so doesn't take much holiday time - so the time he has, he chooses to spend with us, his family. We haven't had a holiday apart (the odd weekend, yes, but not really anything longer) since we got together.

But we don't live in each other's pockets, we have plenty of nights out with our own friends and have interests independent from each other. IMO you can give each other 'space' without having to go on a week's piss-up in Magaluf.

I realise that doesn't make me much of a 'cool wife'.

op, I completely understand why you're not happy with the situation. But the issue is that you (rightly) can't trust him, so also can't trust him on holiday.

Separate holidays is one thing that keeps us sane tbh so I don't see the problem. I enjoy time with just me & the kids when he's away feel a bit like a teenager who's been left alone in the house!
Having said that I only ever go for weekends but that's my choice, I wouldn't want to leave the kids longer.

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

I think it very much depends on the type of holiday your DP is going on. if it is to do with a sporting interest that he has separate to you and you wouldn't want to go on anyway of course that should be ok. The 'stag week' is different and it depends on what is meant by this. A stag do because a mate is getting married of course, fine, he should be able to go with his friend. But a stag week as in a group of friends mainly single and without DC off to a party resort? No way would I see this as acceptable. Not in my relationship.

I wouldn't wanted to have left DS for a week when he was small either. But I accept other people feel different. I go away without DH for a few days now but this is mainly to see family I know DH would nt want to visit and I get more holiday. Mainly I take DS with me. DH has also taken DS away to sporting event i didnt want to go to and I'd be fine if he wanted to go away for a few days climbing etc with his friends - but not to ibiza!!

I differentiate stag weekend from a lads holiday, as to me a stag weekend is UK based and attached to a friend's wedding, so a bit of a ritual which everyone goes to and it would seem a bit churlish to be funny about that (unless you really didn't have any trust at all)
A week's holiday in a club 18-30 destination is just a different league entirely and it would be met by "what hell are you talking about? You are a grown man with children, what possible legitimate enjoyment could you have there. Dancing the Macarena? Drinking until your liver explodes? Grow the fuck up."
And people saying the OP has the option to do the same: You could argue the same for prostitue usage, drug taking, gambling etc. Not a convincing argument.

Wouldn't both me a jot. DH goes skiing with his friends every February, I hate skiing and he loves it. I go on a beach holiday every year with some girlfriends for 4 days. We also go away together. A non issue

The holidays are not the issue. In fact I am going away for a week with a friend next week and leaving DS with his DH (his SF).

BUT - you don't trust him. That's the main issue .

If he is going to cheat, he will do it anywhere. YABU to not want him to go abroad with friends, you could do the same but choose not too.

However, if you think he will cheat again, then why even be with him?

Obviously yanbu to want him going away with a load of single blokes if he has a history of cheating, though I have to ask why you're with him if you don't trust him to keep it in his pants anyway.

About holidays generally, it's a difficult one. The 'correct' response on here, as someone pointed out upthread, is to say it's fine and make sure you get a holiday yourself involving the same amount of time off and money spent. It's a neat theory and I can see how it would work for some couples. But in practice, few parents of young children have all the annual leave and income they might like. Many of us couldn't run to a week away for dad, a week away for mum and a holiday for the DC too, either because of money or availability of time off. Your DC sound old enough that they would enjoy a few days by the beach, in the countryside or something like that. Unless your DH has an unusually generous leave allowance, three weeks wouldn't leave a great deal of time left for anything else, especially if he has to use some of it over Christmas too which many people do.

Yanbu.