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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to think that dh going on a lads holiday every year is a deal breaker?

63 replies

Gettingfedup2015 · 14/05/2015 20:45

Dh had never been on a lads holiday before dd was born. After dd was born dh wanted to go on holiday to Spain but I felt overwhelmed at the thought of taking a small baby on holiday abroad so he decided to go with his brothers instead as he did not want to holiday in this country. The next year we had a family holiday abroad but he also went on a stag week abroad. Now we have two dc and we are off on holiday abroad soon but first he has gone on tour with his football club. So it looks like this is something he will be doing every year. They are always to party places and with mostly younger guys and a mix of single guys, not sure if any of the others have children. I am getting fed up of this. I know I could go away myself if I wanted but there is no way I would like to leave my dc to go and party for a week. I feel really down about it tonight and am starting to think it might be a deal breaker. Aibu?

OP posts:

Raggydoll · 14/05/2015 20:46

Yes

AuntyMag10 · 14/05/2015 20:48

Yes yabvu, your choice not to go away as you have the opportunity to.
You are having your family holiday separately so not sure what the 'deal breaker ' bit is.

fattybumbum33 · 14/05/2015 20:48

No YANBU. And I wouldn't like it either.

NickySummerbee · 14/05/2015 20:48

In two minds about this. DH only gets minimum holiday allowance & we only have a minimum budget, so I would be peeved if he was having a week away every year as we can't afford the money or the time. However I go away for several weekends throughout the year with my friends, because it is important to me. So in principle I see no problem with it. DH hardly ever does as he doesn't make it a priority in the same way I do.

PandaNot · 14/05/2015 20:48

Yes, you are. He's not stopping you doing the same.

hellsbells99 · 14/05/2015 20:50

My DH has a winter holiday every year with friends. I have a weekend away with friends and have done a long weekend away with my sister. We live chaotic lives, I work away 1 or 2 nights a week, DH works shifts including nights....and sometimes a break feels wonderful!

Rosieliveson · 14/05/2015 20:52

For me, it would depend on whether we had the funds comfortably and whether he pulled his weight at other times.
Maybe you could book a few shorter stays away with friends through the year if you want a break but don't want to leave the children.

RiskManagement · 14/05/2015 20:54

The "correct" answer on here is always something like you're not his keeper, just make sure you get the same time/money to yourself.

However, my feeling is that while DC are small and AL is limited there's something wrong if he doesn't choose to spend most of it with his partner and DC. The odd weekend fine. Annual holidays no. It's not about the fact that OP is left alone with DC or that she could do the same if she chose, it's that he's choosing not to spend precious leave with them.

DoJo · 14/05/2015 20:56

What do you object to about this situation? I think if you can pinpoint what it is that's making you feel so negative about this?

EatShitDerek · 14/05/2015 20:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoJo · 14/05/2015 20:57

Whoops - posted too soon! Identifying the problem with the situation will help identify whether YABU and if there might be a compromise.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 14/05/2015 20:57

It wouldn't be a deal breaker for me. I don't know what else to say.

VivaLeBeaver · 14/05/2015 20:57

At least he goes on holiday with you as well. My Dh has refused for the last ten years as he says holidays are boring. He goes once or twice a year on sports holidays with his mates instead.

Sirzy · 14/05/2015 20:58

I think it's important for people to get time away from children. As long as the chance for equal is there I see no problem

Original poster

Gettingfedup2015 · 14/05/2015 20:59

Op here. I guess what bothers me is deep down I don't trust him. He cheated on me pre dc, I thought we had moved on but this is really bothering me.

OP posts:

Greythorne · 14/05/2015 20:59

A strong healthy relationship is not built on tit for tat holidays.

YANBU.

TendonQueen · 14/05/2015 21:00

That's a lot extra to come out of the family budget. And I don't like it that he goes but doesn't seem to think you might reasonably like to have equivalent time away yourself, even if that was say three weekends away instead of a block of a week. Would you go for that if you didn't want to go for a whole week?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 14/05/2015 21:03

Ah, well your latest comment explains a lot more. But you can't keep him under lock and key. Can you compromise and he goes on alternate years? Doesn't help with the trust issue but at least you won't be so resentful.

CatMilkMan · 14/05/2015 21:04

For me it wouldn't be a deal breaker and only you know if it is for you, have you told him you don't like it?
DP and I both go away without each other at least once a year.

DoJo · 14/05/2015 21:04

I guess what bothers me is deep down I don't trust him. He cheated on me pre dc, I thought we had moved on but this is really bothering me.

Do you think you could tell him this? Have you asked him not to go on these holidays and he's refused, or are you hoping that he will decide he doesn't want to of his own accord? Realistically, not going on holiday isn't going to stop him from cheating on you if he is so inclined, although I can understand that there are likely to be more opportunities for him to do so, and the distance might make him think he's less likely to get caught.

But, if you don't trust him, then that is the deal-breaker, not the holidays. I think you need to have a big conversation about how you feel about this and how you have yet to really re-build confidence in him. He might surprise you and be willing to do whatever it takes to make you feel secure, he might not, but I think that the holiday situation is a symptom rather than the root of the problem itself.

Penguinsaresmall · 14/05/2015 21:08

op for me the deal breaker would be the cheating, not the holidays

IfMaybeBut · 14/05/2015 21:20

A strong healthy relationship is not built on tit for tat holidays.. This

I had a partner once who wanted to do a holiday alone with a friend who lived there...fine by me. Next year he was offered work by same friend...not happy, but I didn't say no because we weren't doing anything else. Next year he said he wouldn't be going on holiday with 'us' because he'd got such a busy summer working abroad for friend and then he'd tagged a sports event onto the end... I ended the relationship and he was shell shocked??? (idiot)

Costacoffeeplease · 14/05/2015 21:24

I don't get it either, the cheating was accepted and, I assume, forgiven, but holidays with the boys aren't?

AnyFucker · 14/05/2015 21:26

I would imagine a lack of trust is behind your problem with these "lads" holidays

And not without good reason, it would seem

I couldn't stay with someone who cheated in the first place. But fucking off on lad's holidays as a family man just looks like rubbing your nose in it to me. However irrational that sounds, yes it would be a deal breaker for me.

if he wants the privilege of acting like a single man on family money he needed to first have earned the right by proving himself worthy of the trust required

so, Big Fat Fail right there

Gralick · 14/05/2015 21:32

It would be a dealbreaker for me, yes. It wouldn't for everybody. I've been too badly burned (by both husbands being serial cheats & using holidays with friends to do so) to trust another partner this way.

But here's the thing - it took me a very long time to work it out, so I'm offering it to you in case it resonates. The kind of partner I want doesn't need a break from me. His holidays are enhanced by having me there, not by being away from me. If he finds it more relaxing to go away from me, I'll pack his bags so he can relax full-time.

This is why I was nervy about the XHs going without me, even before I knew what scumbags they were. Yes, I'd had small clues beforehand that they might be cheats, and I'm sure that 'instinct' fed into my unease. You've had more than small clues, you know for sure your H is a cheat! I'm not surprised you dislike the thought. And there is still the fact that I want a partner who's into sharing life with me, not deciding which parts of his time I'm allowed into.

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