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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think that dh going on a lads holiday every year is a deal breaker?

63 replies

Gettingfedup2015 · 14/05/2015 20:45

Dh had never been on a lads holiday before dd was born. After dd was born dh wanted to go on holiday to Spain but I felt overwhelmed at the thought of taking a small baby on holiday abroad so he decided to go with his brothers instead as he did not want to holiday in this country. The next year we had a family holiday abroad but he also went on a stag week abroad. Now we have two dc and we are off on holiday abroad soon but first he has gone on tour with his football club. So it looks like this is something he will be doing every year. They are always to party places and with mostly younger guys and a mix of single guys, not sure if any of the others have children. I am getting fed up of this. I know I could go away myself if I wanted but there is no way I would like to leave my dc to go and party for a week. I feel really down about it tonight and am starting to think it might be a deal breaker. Aibu?

OP posts:
sanfairyanne · 14/05/2015 21:53

you dont need 'a reason' if you are not happy and want to leave

Smartiepants79 · 14/05/2015 22:03

Well so far there have been two different reasons for him going. Stag dos are different in my opinion. He's not just going off with his mates cos he fancies a week away from you.
I don't mind my Dh going away without me and DC. I go away also and we have family holidays.
He goes occasionally when something happens. Stags, sporting events....
BUT I trust him utterly. He keeps in contact and as he gets older the trips get more 'grown-up'.
This is not really about the holidays is it?

Smartiepants79 · 14/05/2015 22:09

And I don't see it as 'getting away' from me. It's just him doing things that don't interest me much and with his oldest friends.
We do plenty together.
I believe a healthy relationship should be able to spend time apart if they want to.

saturnvista · 14/05/2015 22:52

I think mumsnet is bonkers about this. Where I come from, a woman would be considered EXCEPTIONALLY accommodating if she is willing to hold the fort down by herself while the children are small for any reason but inescapable work commitments. I can think of two women who are fine with it and that's it - but they actually like the peace so they encourage it. You can't really ask AIBU about it though because it's so personal - everyone who has a tit for tat thing going in their own relationship is going to say it's fine - and it might be for them. Wouldn't be for me or any of my friends. What's the point of doing all the hard work together if you're not also enjoying the best of life together?

Volleyhang · 14/05/2015 22:56

YANBU I would not like it. Priorities change when you have DC. You are the backstop, that's a responsibility, no wonder you feel you can't cut loose in the way that he does

HormonalHeap · 14/05/2015 23:00

My dh is going on a cycling trip abroad with his mates for 4 days. It's an annual thing now. Long holiday? Er no, but a few days- why not? He'd be happy for me if I wanted to go away with my mine.

Kiwiinkits · 14/05/2015 23:45

Going away annually on a holiday with friends = not a deal breaker

Going away annually on a "lads holiday" with lots of single guys + a history of cheating = massive deal breaker.

Then again, I don't see the wisdom in sticking around to have kids with someone who has shown you they have a pretty major character deficiency.

Kiwiinkits · 14/05/2015 23:46

DH has a weekend away with friends 4-5 times a year. I go away 2-3 times a year, sometimes across to Aus to see my sister, other times with friends. We've never resented that time away from each other because ultimately we trust and like each other.

Aermingers · 14/05/2015 23:47

A stag week? Is that a thing? Jesus.

mummylin2495 · 14/05/2015 23:51

My dh goes away for a few nights every year with 6 others, one who us my brother. They go to a weekly quiz and save all the winnings and go usually to Barcelona to go to football. I love it ! Bed to myself, house is tidy, no -one nattering away when I'm watching a programme on the tele. Look for the positives and make the most of it, have a friend over to stay or something. I do think YABU .

TinklyLittleLaugh · 14/05/2015 23:53

Depends on the type of holiday I think; some lads holidays are just about drinking and getting off with women, some are related to sports or activities. I am quite happy for DH to spend four days cycling with his brother and a couple of pals. A week in Xante chatting up nubile 19 year olds? Not in his wildest.

TheEggityOddity · 15/05/2015 00:06

If you will be worried what he is up to then no, it's not ok and I would be making it clear to him that he can decide which he cares about most.

I wouldn't be worried if my dh went away as he is a good man and honest. But he wouldn't want to spend his annual leave without me and the littlies anyway. Stag weekend? Yes. All male drinking/ogling holiday? No.

TheEggityOddity · 15/05/2015 00:12

Also please note a lot of the posters saying it's fine are talking about their DHs going on cycling holidays and to see football. You said all his are to party destinations with single men. Very very different! Don' make the mumsnet jury make you fall into being a mug. Always the same rule in a relationship, if something isn't working for you, pipe up! If it is a deal breaker for you, then it just is. It is then his choice to find a compromise or go ahead and face the fall out.

AnyFucker · 15/05/2015 06:53

Stag weekend? Yes. All male drinking/ogling holiday? No.

Are these two different phenomena then ? Confused

NRomanoff · 15/05/2015 07:00

Yabu about the holidays. Lots of people have trips without their DC, just because you don't want to that doesn't mean he shouldn't.

Honestly its a little too late to talk about deal breakers. You are married to a man you don't trust and went on to have kids with him. The deal breakers should have been thought about this before.

Did you just assume he would stop going away when the dc came, but never actually agreed it?

Dbro and sil often go away without each other. But they trust each other and it works for them.

You need to find a way this can all work for all of you. You don't trust him that needs fixing, regardless of holidays away etc.

VivaLeBeaver · 15/05/2015 07:06

Yes the lack of trust would be a deal breaker for me.

My Dh does go away on bloke only holidays but I trust him and it's all sports related. They're too busy doing sport to chase women and Dh is in his 50s anyway. Grin. I don't think he's a club 18-30 catch.

2fedup · 15/05/2015 07:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RoboticSealpup · 15/05/2015 07:15

Completely agree w Saturn. Using up annual leave and considerable family cash to go on boozy boys' holidays is pretty unusual behavior for a married father of two, unless perhaps he has so much time off and money that it doesn't impact on how much holiday time you have together as a family. And that's unlikely.

AldiQ7 · 15/05/2015 07:18

The kind of partner I want doesn't need a break from me. His holidays are enhanced by having me there, not by being away from me.

Grin

When we are talking about 'holidays' here, what do we actually mean? Are we including long weekends (eg. Thursday to Monday) or more like 2 week holidays? My DH wouldn't really go on a big long 2 week holiday without us, but often goes on a few days 'holiday' with his friends (skiing, stag dos etc). And I am able to do the same as I wish whenever I want as well.

SuchSweetSorrow · 15/05/2015 07:19

Don't you know these poor men folk must be able to go on lads holidays, stag trips away blah blah blah whilst us women stay at home with the kids, regardless of how we feel about it.

They deserve it, you know, and we must not hinder their right to a pissed up jolly.

Hmm

No OP, YANBU. Especially given his past behaviour, he must understand your concerns and put his family first.

NRomanoff · 15/05/2015 07:48

Such where has anyone said anything about poor men folk. Did you miss the bit where she says she could go away but chooses not to.

Or should he stop doing something he always done because the OP chooses not to?

If it was such an issue, it should have been a deal breaker before they had kids, if she felt so strongly about it.

As for the cheating she decided to forgive him and have children with him, you can't move forward whilst still punishing someone for what they did.

Original poster
Gettingfedup2015 · 15/05/2015 08:12

Op here. Just to clarify dh never went on lads holidays before we had kids. It is a new thing that has started since having kids.

OP posts:
Penfold007 · 15/05/2015 08:19

OP what are you going to do about this deal breaker?

NRomanoff · 15/05/2015 08:19

My apology. I mid read it. I still don't think you should stop him either. O do think you need to work on this trust problem though.

SuchSweetSorrow · 15/05/2015 08:19

Punishing him?

Yes, ok.

As for my other comments, you have obviously not seen thread after thread on here where women start similar threads and are advised to suck it up, or treat themselves to a spa day on their 'husband's' credit card.

Just because she also has the choice to go away doesn't make it ok to disregard how she is feeling.