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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I should be able to get one date!

80 replies

Jasmineskye · 14/05/2015 12:51

I don't have two heads, I do have all my own teeth, I'm not Kate Moss but I'm not quite White Dee either.

Where am I going wrong?? I have tried every dating site going and I must be approaching this online thing incorrectly.

Are there any 'rules' I'm missing? :)

OP posts:

Chipshopninja · 15/05/2015 11:28

Op can we see the profile pic? We may be able to advise? X

Chipshopninja · 15/05/2015 11:29

And those sites pp posted sound great!

SuperFlyHigh · 15/05/2015 11:38

Badtime and Granny have some good points there re meet up - I know a woman who met her current partner through a meet up group, he was just going along to meet new people not date (not ruled out dating) and he was also separated (now has divorced). Some people aren't into the dating scene via dating sites.

BifsWif · 15/05/2015 11:40

Don't give up OP!

Have a friend or MN'etter look over your profile. It could be something simple that you're missing.

Your profile is your opportunity to completely sell yourself, are you doing that? Have you included everything interesting about you?

Do you have another profile pic you could use to change it up? You mention you like travelling, any pics of you somewhere exotic that could provoke conversation?

BumbleNova · 15/05/2015 11:49

I really recommend Match Affinity. its one of those ones that you have to answer questions about yourself and it offers you matches on a weekly basis. I would also wholeheartedly agree with not being afraid to make the first move. I messaged my now boyfriend of four years first because his profile made me laugh and I could see we had things in common. good luck OP!

Original poster

Jasmineskye · 15/05/2015 11:54

I tried match. Squoosh thanks but i don't sail; its a narrow boat.

OP posts:

SuperFlyHigh · 15/05/2015 11:55

Bumble maybe it's me but after a while I didn't find anyone on Match Affinity (apart from a few years ago, a boyfriend of mine from there).

I agree with Bifs too and also on Relationships there's a dating thread, they may have more insight etc...

Dannihell · 15/05/2015 11:56

OP, you're coming across extremely negative and I can't help but wonder if it translates to your on-line dating profile.

My DP's brother has tried the on-line dating thing on POF with mixed success. I've asked him what he looked for in a profile and he gave me this;

Picture - You want a picture that shows you out with your friends, enjoying yourself. Nothing posed and nothing that will result in a surprise (basically, if you're overweight, don't use an angled picture that makes your face look thin).

Profile - Just convey what your hobbies are, what music you like and do it in a light tone.

What you're looking for - Be clear what kind of person you're looking for (looks, personality etc) and what you want from them (dates, relationship, sex). If you like guys with long hair or tattoos, say that. It won't totally dissuade guys who don't have those things while at the same time, expressing your standards doesn't make you look desperate.

Above all, some decent spelling and punctuation go a long way. Plenty of people use text speak but the only guys who will message someone like that are idiots or people who think the girl will be an easy shag.

Original poster

Jasmineskye · 15/05/2015 11:59

I know I'm negative; I feel negative! I feel ugly and dull and unattractive. I feel like no one will look twice at me and that I'm going to be vvv lonely.

Of course I don't say that! Of course I smile sunnily and look happy and talk chirpily. But yes on here I will admit I feel shit about it!

OP posts:

squoosh · 15/05/2015 12:10

OP you're only 32, I highly doubt you'll end your days as an old maid.

I'm 37 and single and don't feel half as despondent as you!

BlisterFace · 15/05/2015 12:11

OP you could be me a few years ago. It's probably not your profile or your picture. Or boats or horses.

I online dated for 5 fucking years. I tried them all - Match. PoF, Harmony, Soul mates.... It was a desert. I am average looking but scrub up okay. I did not get a date at all. Not one. Unless you count the drunk guy who invited me over his house on the condition that I went via the off licence and bought him some beer (because I would "have to go that way anyway".)

I had many breaks from OD but when I came back all the same twats were there. It became a massive chore - at my desk in front of a computer all day at work and then at my desk at home emailing men who winked at me etc. and yes, about 40% were 20 or more years older than me.

I actually think that an awful lot of people on those sites don't want to "date" as such. They are either looking for sex or for flirty banter behind the wife or GF's back. Most of them (about 80%) ran a mile when I suggested meeting for a drink or coffee.

HOWEVER

I eventually got a date on Match.com and married him last year.

It is just a massive fucking lottery and unless you are brandishing a chainsaw or wearing multiple cats in your profile pic, it's probably not you!

EponasWildDaughter · 15/05/2015 12:13

Is your photo posed OP, or is it a random snap of you smiling or laughing at the camera?

Original poster

Jasmineskye · 15/05/2015 12:14

Yeah but squoosh - you've had previous relationships, right? Men have shown an interest in the past?

All my life people have poo-poo'd any anxieties I have about being permanently single with 'oh you're young, you've loads of time!' Yet after a point you do wonder what is wrong with you!

Blister thanks - that is reassuring :)

OP posts:

Original poster

Jasmineskye · 15/05/2015 12:15

Not isn't posed really. Just sitting in some grass on a sunny day smiling.

OP posts:

EponasWildDaughter · 15/05/2015 12:24

Have you tried swapping your photo around over time? Changing your profile?

I agree with Blister, (about it being a lottery) and yet i am still puzzled that you've had no luck at all yet, and think that there must be some thing which would change this for you.

If i were in this situation i'd experiment with pushing the boundaries of my profile right out. Change it up a bit. We all have different sides of ourselves. Theoretically you can say whatever you like about yourself. See what happens. If you get a lot more responses you know it's not your pic :)

DrSethHazlittMD · 15/05/2015 12:26

Actually I missed out in my earlier thread one of Blister's points, so I want to back her up. I was on POF and after eight months ditched it for another site, but decided to give it another go about a year later. And almost all the same women were still there. Which tends to suggest either the majority of people have ridiculously high standards, aren't there to meet anyone but simply to pass the time of day, or that online dating simply doesn't work for the majority of people in at least the area I live in.

It's totally understandable it gets you down - it gets a lot of people down. When you never meet single people at work or at any of your clubs and hobbies, and friends don't know any single people to introduce you to, what's left but online dating? And if that doesn't work and you've been single for years, you're bound to get down.

I've given up on it. I know many who have. Doesn't make them sad or unattractive or uninteresting. Just unlucky and sometimes those who have been lucky actually forget that.

Original poster

Jasmineskye · 15/05/2015 12:37

Thank you :)

Yeah, I sometimes try rotating picture around a bit. I honestly think it's a combination of being ordinary looking and probably my age too.

OP posts:

Whatamayday · 15/05/2015 12:46

A guy messaged me recently and asked what I thought of his pics and profile. I told him the truth, that he looked nice but he looked too outdoorsy for me as all his pics were of him in action, hiking, cycling, etc.

Could you ask a couple of guys who seem friendly what they think? I know you risk being insulted but it's worth a shot as most people on dating sites are polite in my experience.

I didn't know that about the red dress thing but as it happens, my main profile of me is in a bright pink dress and lots of men message saying, hey, nice red dress!

I am really not all that and I am half a century old but I have had a lot of attention online and I think I must have extremely flattering photos of myself. I take about 50 at a time, no exaggeration, and pick the best. Also, no close-ups but only full length shots for me.

Whatamayday · 15/05/2015 12:47

Honestly, do not worry about your age. It is not a barrier. I get a lot of messages from young men who like older women or men who are ten years or so younger and say they don't mind if they meet the right person.

zigazigah01 · 15/05/2015 12:57

Do you have a full length photo on?

Original poster

Jasmineskye · 15/05/2015 13:02

I do, yes.

OP posts:

Whatsforsupper · 15/05/2015 13:15

Guardian Soulmates is quite London Centric if you're outside London its not great.

Ok Cupid is busy every where.

I speak as a male who dates online using both sites who has had a few
short relationships from Soulmates with lots of dates.

BlisterFace · 15/05/2015 13:20

I agree with whatamayday that age itself is not a barrier, but if you are female, 35 and never married, men may well be choosing younger women over you to avoid the biological clock thing. I HATE that this is the case, but I think it's often true. I once received one of those automated "thanks but no thanks" responses which basically said "we're not compatible because you're too old". From a man who was exactly the same age as me. The twat!

This does not apply to you at just 32 OP (but it did apply to me! I was a few years older when I started OD.) A divorced women 15 years older (for example) - no problem. My sister of 50 had the time of her life on a dating site last year and just married again!

And YY DrSeth it's the same people all the time. I joined Match around the time when they were running that "Find someone special in 6 months or get 6 months free". It was a total swizz, they were ALL the same men!

BifsWif · 15/05/2015 13:20

It's not your age, I can guarantee that. Can someone look over your profile for you?

FineDamBeaver · 15/05/2015 13:38

Researchers in London analysed what makes a successful dating profile.

Read the paper here:

ebm.bmj.com/content/early/2015/02/09/ebmed-2014-110101.full

or a useful summary here:

www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2015/02/12/eureka-scientists-decode-the-best-online-dating-profiles.html

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