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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think I should be able to get one date!

80 replies

Jasmineskye · 14/05/2015 12:51

I don't have two heads, I do have all my own teeth, I'm not Kate Moss but I'm not quite White Dee either.

Where am I going wrong?? I have tried every dating site going and I must be approaching this online thing incorrectly.

Are there any 'rules' I'm missing? :)

OP posts:
Volleyhang · 14/05/2015 23:16

I put a pic of me and my dog. Animal lovers commented

Jasmineskye · 15/05/2015 03:48

Problem is, I think, I've just tried every 'trick' known to mankind (I think.)

I think I must be far less attractive than I've always believed, and I don't mean I thought I was gorgeous before but just okay looking in a normal way, but I can't even get one date with Mr Average.

It puts me off trying because it upsets me, but then obviously I need to 'keep' trying if I'm going to meet someone.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 15/05/2015 05:16

I'm 100% sure that's not the case.

You haven't answered whether you approach men or if you wait for them

Lunastarfish · 15/05/2015 05:28

There are some studies which does suggest wearing red in profile pictures gets men interested. I'm no Kate Moss either but my red dress seemed to do the trick (although I admit I had a hint of cleavage).

Agree with others to use paid for services rather than free sites.

Contact men you like. One of my first date was with a guy a 'winked' at.

Invite men to contact you. I basically listed a few things I was interested in then left a question asking them to contact me if they wanted to know anything else about me. It's an easy way for someone to send a message.

Jasmineskye · 15/05/2015 07:17

Yes, I do approach men :) I've also used paid sites - think I spent 8 months on guardian soul mates :( It's just a waste of money. Sorry if I sound defeatist; I think I am a bit!

OP posts:
Partyringer · 15/05/2015 08:00

There really does seem to be something going on then - something that is a red flag hidden in plain sight.
What have you put for your likes and dislikes? Not the actual text but what you're after?

BitOutOfPractice · 15/05/2015 08:02

I think if you feel like that it might be time to take a break for a couple of months. Regroup. Drop your shoulders a bit. Go back to it afresh eg new pictures and profile

There are nice men out there but you have to sort through a lot of dross to find them

Partyringer · 15/05/2015 08:04

Just clarify - you are getting NO INTEREST at all?

Jasmineskye · 15/05/2015 08:08

Yes, I have done that too (take a break!)

Party - essentially, yes, bar the occasional message from someone 20 years my senior.

OP posts:
Jermajesty · 15/05/2015 08:13

Hey Jasmine, I'm with you! Currently on Guardian Soulmates (for 3 mths) and I'm finding it shit. I'm successful, smiley, have USPs / things people can ask me about on ny profile etc, I contact blokes. Yet nothing, not one date. Despite the rep I actually had more success on PoF! Plus, once I'd weeded out the weirdos I met lots of nice, normal men. They just weren't for me. So I reckon I'm going back on PoF!

SoozeyHoozey · 15/05/2015 08:24

What's actually written on your profile Op?

DrSethHazlittMD · 15/05/2015 08:25

Jasmine - people are giving you advice based on their experience but it is just that. What it fails to take into account is that online dating is a lottery - seriously. There are people who say POF is shit and MySingleFriend is great; Yet I know people who think the reverse. There are people who say the paid sites are best because they have less timewasters; yet it's been proved many times that the paid sites have lots of fake profiles. I know people who have had their profile "checked" at by all of their friends because they've had no luck and everyone's had their input to make it "perfect"; yet they still get no more success. I know someone who met their now husband on her first online date; she was his 17th.

I know something in the region of 40 friends who have done online dating for a minimum of a year. One has got married. One is living together. NONE of the other 18 have got a relationship from it, just some dates. They have met people in real life fortunately.

I should add I'm a bloke who tried online dating. Every site over a three-year period and will never do it again. Soul destroying. I have a female friend, attractive, interesting, everyone agrees her profile is fab. She's used every site over the last 5 years and has given up as she only got six dates in two years. It's not just you.

It's luck. But location certainly plays a part, because if you live in or near a big city, you have far more people to consider. If you live in a more rural area, you're buggered. Guardian Soulmates is great if you are in London or Manchester but pretty useless anywhere else.

Jasmineskye · 15/05/2015 08:27

I'm on POF at the moment: am not wasting any more money! Shock

I don't want to quote exactly for obvious reasons but I have written about my job(s), hobbies (horses, boats, gym hiking, travel), some places/things I'd like to do in the future. Written that I like coffee [tea] and that I can bake.

I sound like GOOD girlfriend material!

OP posts:
Jasmineskye · 15/05/2015 08:27

Ah Seth you posted as I was - thanks. I get few opportunities to meet people in RL

OP posts:
MillionToOneChances · 15/05/2015 08:36

I've always got loads of dates online, and I'm not very attractive. I had one two year relationship which started online (that I ended). I'd be happy to have a look at your profile?

I think the important things are: friendly looking picture, mentioning interests guys can use to start/progress a conversation and messaging people yourself with a brief, light message that refers to something in their profile and draws you to their attention.

That said, I think starting new unisex hobbies and hoping to meet new people through them is probably statistically more successful.

MillionToOneChances · 15/05/2015 09:00

And I found OKCupid (also free) infinitely better than PoF.

AmyElliotDunne · 15/05/2015 09:49

I was only on POF (because I'm cheap!), DP was on there and also Match.

FWIW, I put up a photo where I wasn't looking my best, hardly any make up and scruffy hair, just to get on there and have a look before filling in my profile. I wrote "just window shopping at the moment, will fill this in later" in the profile. I had to wait 24 hours before I could hide my profile and within that time had 100 people 'want to meet' me (I presume that was just a click on a button) Shock

Now I'm no looker, I'm fairly average, overweight and didn't show any cleavage. But I was fresh meat and probably looked approachable.

Just a thought - maybe you're TOO attractive?! It might be putting people off? DP's ex recently talked about trying OD as she wanted to meet someone wonderful like he had Blush . I was worried about her as she is slim, blonde, big boobs which she's happy to flaunt etc. and I thought she is looking for a relationship but she is just going to get bombarded by all the wrong people. She'd be better off putting a jumper on, taking her mascara off and being a bit more 'meh' !

Just going on what you've said here, horses and boats are not necessarily interests that Mr Average will feel like he can share in. Add in the gym and hiking, anyone who's not a fitness freak will now be panicking about you dragging him up a mountain! Coffee just shouts "bad breath" at me (I've just had one and I won't kiss DP until I've brushed my teeth!) so if I were a bloke I'd be thinking you're not for me, sorry. Just trying to give a subjective opinion.

It would be nice to meet a yacht owning, horse riding millionaire, but they're not hanging out on POF! Perhaps try to sound a bit more down to earth and sadly I think you will get more interest. Men can be delicate little flowers and like to think they're going to 'wow' you when they meet you. Reading about someone who likes boats and horses and travelling the world could be off-putting. It doesn't mean you should totally reinvent yourself, but perhaps just say less about yourself, retain some mystery and sound like you have room in your life for a partner.

I know that the correct answer is that you should just be yourself and if they don't like it, tough shit, but that won't get you dates, whereas once you've met someone you can build on the mystery a bit and they can find out more about you. Think of it like a movie trailer - if you tell them everything now you spoil the film. Give some highlights to lure them in, but save the interesting stuff for when you have them one-to-one.

SaucyJack · 15/05/2015 10:03

If you want an objective OP, I'm bored, nosy and here all week.

SuperFlyHigh · 15/05/2015 10:14

I agree with Amy too - men want to meet someone fun - not someone who they think 'oops i can't compete with her in terms of hobbies/sports etc' or 'support re horses etc'.

It also does mean that though you think you're attractive what they think may be another matter. Put on your prettiest dress or buy something a bit bright, add some makeup, nicely styled hair and bingo, that's one. always smile. or look happy.

what age are you? someone said that after 40 dates or interest can tail off.

there was someone ages ago on here who I think had a similar problem - she was blonde and I can't remember how it ended but she thought I think she was the bees knees but she was saying or doing something to put them off.

I'd put for example, I really like eg Scandi drama (Borgen) if you do... or film noir - I also put I liked Aimee Mann (who's an interesting singer) and I can't remember what else now but there were 'openers'. You could even ask or say.... 'I've always wanted to try eg clay pigeon shooting/open air theatre in Hyde Park - fancy joining me?' - men do like a challenge. You do not want to be Miss Horse Riding and boating who won't give men half a chance!

holidaysarenice · 15/05/2015 10:32

You shouldn't have to change your interests or dumb them down for anyone!!
Offer to teach them, show them how to sail?
Or look at horse/sailing specific sites. I know someone who went on a site that was aimed specifically at people interested in countryside sports/country type dogs etc

badtime · 15/05/2015 10:43

Although I know many, many people who met their partners online (mostly POF and OKC, incidentally - free sites!), it just doesn't suit some people.

Perhaps try Meetups or something instead?

grannytomine · 15/05/2015 11:06

A friend of mine, alot younger than me, had similar experience. She gave up and started attending a local social group. Two months later she was dating one of the guys who went and a year later they were talking buying houses, children etc. If it isn't working for you maybe try something different?

Jasmineskye · 15/05/2015 11:16

Oh I know I'm not attractive. I just mean I'm not ugly either.

My boat is far from a yacht; there is a photo of it!

I don't know; I've just about given up!

OP posts:
squoosh · 15/05/2015 11:21

Have you seen this website? lovesail.com?

'Lovesail is a global on-line dating and social networking site for people that are passionate about sailing.'

squoosh · 15/05/2015 11:23

Boating Passions

'A free online dating & social networking site for meeting singles with a passion for boating.'

Date Active

'Helping you to find your perfect activity partner, travel partner or date whether you are a dog lover, walker, gym fitness fanatic, single snowboarder, yachting single, horse riding single, skier, diver, climber, caver or whatever'

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