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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to say I'm infertile

61 replies

EustaciaBenson · 13/05/2015 22:53

I've been trying to get pregnant for 5 years and recently I found out I have a unicornuate uterus, I only have half my uterus. This bring highly increased chances of late miscarriage. Add to that I have an unusual form of under active thyroid and pcos, my chances arent very good. I've had one positive pregnancy test but that turned out to be a false positive. So I cant get pregnant naturally and if I did have IVF my chances for all these reasons of carrying a baby to full term are extremely slim. I decided the odds were not in my favour, and my gynae agreed that in my case IVF probably wasnt worth it.

So now when it comes up in conversation which it has done a few times recently as my sister has just had a baby so theres the usual 'are you next' comments I've been saying I'm infertile. But I had a friend (no infertility issues themselves) have a go at me the other day saying that I'm not infertile I chose not to have children. I guess they right in a way in that I've decided not to go for IVF but I was a bit upset as the friend was quite nasty about it. Are they right? I just dont want to get into a complicated conversation with people about my uterus in a passing conversation! I tell them I'm infertile so they dont keep asking and putting their foot in it but now I've been made to feel like I'm really out of order and should just say I've chosen not to have children, but thats not really the case either.

I realise this is probably as pathetic AIBU but its been bothering me, and I cant mention it to family because they get all upset and then I have to comfort them when I'd just like some comfort myself, and my DH is all stiff upper lip dont talk about personal problems

OP posts:

daisychain01 · 13/05/2015 23:02

I think you are being remarkably restrained and brave, in the face of quite frankly a crass and tactless question. What business is it of anyone else's, why do people think it's open season just to ask and expect you to give chapter and verse about such a personal matter.

I guess the "I'm infertile" comment does tend to be a bit of a conversation-stopper (can be useful!). I wonder if the friend who was horrible to you was just too shocked for words and thought you were using "shock tactics" or something. Whatever the reason, it's your body, so why shouldn't you have the choice to describe the situation in your own words, freedom of expression!

Honestly if I were you I'd tough this one out and definitely don't get drawn into having to explain yourself. Maybe your DH has the right idea, just batten down the hatches as they say

Aermingers · 13/05/2015 23:06

That's horrible. I'm so sad for you they're being so insensitive.

Barbadosgirl · 13/05/2015 23:11

YANBU. What is your buddy saying, that you need to try harder before you are deserving of the title? Risk awful disappointment and mc? Crumbs. Am so sorry and hope you have more supportive friends to help you

MrsNextDoor · 13/05/2015 23:12

Of course YANBU. Your infertility is yours and it's your choice on whether you share it. If people are too wet to cope with the reality of your situation....screw em! You're bringing something which people don't feel comfy discussing...into the open...a GOOD thing.

Drowsybutawake · 13/05/2015 23:14

Not sure what the definition of infertile is if it doesn't apply to you OP, but regardless you can say what you bloody well like and your "friend" was being massively unreasonable. So sorry you have been through so much.

BigBirthdayGloom · 13/05/2015 23:17

I think it's brave to say you're infertile, as much as its actually nobody's business. And biologically accurate-ivf is a treatment for infertility. My dh and I are infertile (he doesn't produce sperm) and although we have three gorgeous dc by donor iui, technically, we haven't stopped being infertile. I'm guessing your friends aren't as far down the path of coming to terms with infertility and so to hear you using the word to describe yourself is a bit scary for them.

BigBirthdayGloom · 13/05/2015 23:18

I suppose they might get cross with me for saying we are infertile, when technically I'm not, but given that I didn't intend to have children with anyone other than dh, who actually had the physical issue became irrelevant.

WineIsMyMainVice · 13/05/2015 23:18

Absolutely agree with Next Door. You should feel able to say what the hell you like. It's an awful situation for you and your partner and your friend is not being helpful at all. Yes it might be a bit of a conversation stopper - but actually if it stops people asking any more awkward questions then it works for you! And it might make them think twice before asking the next woman they meet the same personal question!
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.

cleanmyhouse · 13/05/2015 23:21

Your friend sounds like the kind of friend you don't need tbh.

Original poster

EustaciaBenson · 13/05/2015 23:25

I try not to make it too much of a conversation stopper its more of a "we cant have children, but I get to spoil my nephew rotten and not change too many naopies, and give him back when he cries" which tends to make people laugh and give them a way to change the conversation easily. But I feel like I should be able to say I'm infertile, like it shouldnt be hidden away as something to be ashamed of. But my friend acts like I cant really want children if I wont try IVF and im getting frustrated.

I did wonder if I was somehow wrong saying I was infertile though. Im feeling quite fragile and so I'm questioning myself more. I'm having a hard time at work being given far too much work to do and when I cant cope I get told I must be struggling because of the diagnosis and I shouldnt bring my problems to work, when in reality its not that. But its all a bit much and I guess I'm starting to doubt my own judegment so thank you

OP posts:

Original poster

EustaciaBenson · 13/05/2015 23:25

OP posts:

Pipbin · 13/05/2015 23:25

People who haven't been through infertility have exactly no idea what it's like.

I'm infertile, I have blocked tubes and three failed IVF cycles. We have decided not to persue it further.
I tend to say 'we can't have children', I don't give a shiny shit what people think about it. No one thinks about you when they complain about their pregnancys or make baby announcements on FB. We are made to feel like infertility is something to be ashamed of. I tell anyone who asks. I don't care if they don't like it.

Original poster

EustaciaBenson · 13/05/2015 23:26

Sorry my tablet either loses my reply or posts it multiple times I have no idea why

OP posts:

Original poster

EustaciaBenson · 13/05/2015 23:26

Sorry my tablet either loses my reply or posts it multiple times I have no idea why

OP posts:

smartiesaretheanswer · 13/05/2015 23:48

Oh OP you poor thing yanbu!!! I'm in a bit of a similar situation to you in that I have a bicornuate uterus (kind of got a dividing part down the middle iyswim) and would be at high risk of miscarriage and birth complications and premature labour if I didn't have a miscarriage and I don't think I could cope with it if anything went wrong...it's so hard I really feel for you. You've got every right to feel upset you're not being oversensitive at all x

CatOutOfHell · 13/05/2015 23:54

IVF is a treatment for infertility. Of course you're not wrong to say you're infertile. It's brave of you to be so open.

I'm infertile too but that may well be the first time I've said / written it so bluntly.

for you

for Pip too (whispers- I'm a former-Berry)

textfan · 14/05/2015 00:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Turquoisetamborine · 14/05/2015 00:06

I have a unicornate uterus with the whole shebang of one kidney, one tube and one ovary. I also have blood sugar problems caused by my adrenal gland (all the same unicornate issue). I still managed to get pregnant with DS1 after 18 months of trying with help from clomid and carried him to full term.
I had to have ivf for ds2 but only because I suffered a tube adhesion during my emergency section with ds1 in which they discovered my unicornate uterus.
We were successful on the second round and I carried ds2 to 36 weeks. He is safely here now. I have had no miscarriages.
Just to give you hope if you did go ahead and take the NHS up on your ivf chances. I would certainly give it a try. The stats don't sound good but no reason why you shouldn't be lucky like me.

PtolemysNeedle · 14/05/2015 00:09

Your friend is crazy. And rude, and insensitive.

Of course you should be able to tell people that you're infertile, it's the truth! People should be more open about these things in normal friendly conversation I think. I very much doubt that people you usually say it around are over thinking it anywhere near as much as this particular fake friend.

DaveMinion · 14/05/2015 00:10

Another infertile one here. I don't tell anyone. I'm 38 and we've been trying 10 years. I have pcos and had 5 mc. We are just starting the whole fertility clinic thing again after 2 crap experiences.

I am hoping we can manage at least one. But if not then I guess I will have to start saying I'm infertile too.

Xxx

Smidge001 · 14/05/2015 00:10

How utterly ridiculous, I am steaming at your 'friend'!! What does she mean you're not infertile? It sounds a perfectly accurate description to me from what you've said. And to try to make out that it's by your own choice that you don't have children is so unbelievably insensitive!
Aaargghh!! Yes ok, perhaps you haven't chosen to look at surrogacy or fostering/adopting but infertile is about your own the ability to reproduce, it's hardly a choice.

I am so cross!! She needs a massive (not condoning violence, so let's say 'metaphorical') slap across the face to knock some sense into her.

And to you OP.

As for talking about infertility I am right there with the others saying you should feel free to discuss it. More people need to be aware of the issues so many of us face. I have tried (and failed) 3 times with IVF and that's with no apparent reason for our infertility. I have to face the fact we (as a couple) are infertile, so stuff anyone else's sensitivity if they ask the question, I have no qualms in telling them the details!

timelyreminder · 14/05/2015 00:18

YANBU. One in seven couples will have fertility issues and it's only if people talk about it that more people might decide to be a little more sensitive in future.

Scuttlebutter · 14/05/2015 00:31

Another one here who's infertile.

My take on it is that I'm happy to discuss it if it comes up as a serious topic of conversation with friends, and I'm certainly not ashamed of it. However, in a circumstance where it's a general conversation and I'm with people I dont' know very well, I'll simply make a light comment and pass on by. Quite honestly, there are lots of times when, say, you are out for a drink or meeting people and you just don't want the hassle of that particular conversation. It's worth preparing a few stock polite but vague answers to the usual questions - I found this helpful when we were still at the raw stage. Now I'm 50, fortunately we don't get asked so much, and we are out of that cohort of everyone around us having babies.

QOD · 14/05/2015 03:00

She's a twat!
I'm infertile but do have a 16 yr old through straight surrogacy

blueskydrinking79 · 14/05/2015 04:18

Infertility is a horrible and difficult situation for any couple. What an unsupportive friend! I'd tell her to take a running jump tbh. We suffered from unexplained infertility for six years. Of anyone had been that insensitive to me, I don't know how I would have responded. I felt so brittle and about to break the whole time.

((((Hugs)))) to you op. You will get through this and find the best part with your dh. Like you, my dh didn't talk about it so it took me a while to realise he was suffering as much as me. Be kind to each other. And eat chocolate

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