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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to say I'm infertile

61 replies

EustaciaBenson · 13/05/2015 22:53

I've been trying to get pregnant for 5 years and recently I found out I have a unicornuate uterus, I only have half my uterus. This bring highly increased chances of late miscarriage. Add to that I have an unusual form of under active thyroid and pcos, my chances arent very good. I've had one positive pregnancy test but that turned out to be a false positive. So I cant get pregnant naturally and if I did have IVF my chances for all these reasons of carrying a baby to full term are extremely slim. I decided the odds were not in my favour, and my gynae agreed that in my case IVF probably wasnt worth it.

So now when it comes up in conversation which it has done a few times recently as my sister has just had a baby so theres the usual 'are you next' comments I've been saying I'm infertile. But I had a friend (no infertility issues themselves) have a go at me the other day saying that I'm not infertile I chose not to have children. I guess they right in a way in that I've decided not to go for IVF but I was a bit upset as the friend was quite nasty about it. Are they right? I just dont want to get into a complicated conversation with people about my uterus in a passing conversation! I tell them I'm infertile so they dont keep asking and putting their foot in it but now I've been made to feel like I'm really out of order and should just say I've chosen not to have children, but thats not really the case either.

I realise this is probably as pathetic AIBU but its been bothering me, and I cant mention it to family because they get all upset and then I have to comfort them when I'd just like some comfort myself, and my DH is all stiff upper lip dont talk about personal problems

OP posts:

NRomanoff · 14/05/2015 06:28

i am so sorry. Its took me a few years to get pg with both mine due to pcos. That was hard enough. I can only imagine what you are going through. Your friend was awful. You can't have kids, medically its been decided. What you choose to call it is up to you. It not like you could but it might be a bit inconvenient. I would image saying you can't have children is easier than giving a full explanation. She is insensitive and obviously has no idea how hard it is to not be able to have children.

I only had to deal with the lower chance of becoming pg and it was awful. I am so sorry she is such a shit.

You need to speak to your husband, he is probably finding it just as hard. You need each other, thats what marriage is.

EugenesAxe · 14/05/2015 06:47

I think you are fine to say you are infertile... I also agree you are dealing well with your friends.

Saying you chose is really splitting hairs - you looked at probable outcomes and decided you'd rather not put yourself through it emotionally and financially.

lambsie · 14/05/2015 06:51

We can't have any more without ivf so if people mention ds being an only, I say we couldn't have anymore.

derxa · 14/05/2015 06:57

I'm sorry to hear about all the shit you've been through. People can be so insensitive.

purplemeggie · 14/05/2015 07:05

Your friend's attitude is extraordinary. Quite aside from any possible treatment, ttc for 5 years without success more than justifies the statement that you "can't have children" (I tend to say "it hasn't happened, but that just means that you are further down the line of acceptance x).

As for the IVF: the fact that you have chosen not to have a treatment that is pretty invasive and has about a one-in-three success rate on a good day? It's not you that's bu.

for you and for all the other ladies on here who have had to endure insensitivity about something that hurts so much.

friendofsadgirl · 14/05/2015 07:13

YANBU, your friend was wrong and insensitive.
IVF is a treatment for some, but not all, forms of infertility and people are ignorant if they don't understand that.
Your response to nosy friends sounds perfect.

Mermaidhair · 14/05/2015 07:16

Op that must be so hard for you. Yanbu at all. I'm sorry people are not being kind. Some people think and say very strange things.

ShootPeppaPig · 14/05/2015 07:32

YA DDDDD NBU

The only possible reasons I could excuse an unhelpful attitude like your friends is if either she was in the midst of her own fertility battle and that was skewing her thought process. In my own struggle I had irrational jealousy for example - I knew I was being irrational but felt it SO strongly

Or a few extra religious people I know believe you shouldn't "speak things over yourselves" where they think if you declare something, you cement its reality, whereas if you confess positive things you can bring them into reality too

I don't agree with either but could forgive them and excuse it, if none of the above I think that would pretty much end a friendship for me. It's a shockingly controlling behaviour to tell you how you should think and feel with your own life and get cross when you don't!

Pipbin · 14/05/2015 07:55

I want to know where people get off feeling that they have a right to comment about stuff like this.

EuphemiaCoxton · 14/05/2015 07:59

Yanbu.
My BFF has a bicornate uterus alongside very bad endometriosis and has been told even if she managed to conceive she wouldn't be able to carry.
It makes me furious that when she tells people she can't have children. They make all sorts of comments such as 'oh you never know' and reel off friends of friends who against the odds had a baby.
There is nothing she'd like more than a baby. Nothing.
She's taken to looking folks in the eye who have overstepped a boundary and tells them yes, she could have a baby if she were able to withstand sex. Oh and a functioning uterus is always handy

CycleChic · 14/05/2015 08:02

Your "friend" is a loon. "Won't try ivf? " WTAF? Ivf is FOR infertile people to have a baby that they wouldn't otherwise be able to.
I'm sorry to hear of your situation

SwashbucklingInBrooklyn · 14/05/2015 08:03

Firstly, OP, I'm really sorry about the experiences you've had. It sounds tough.
Secondly - you can absolute tell people you are infertile and it's no one else's place to say otherwise.
I have a friend who has "unexplained infertility" - she's 45 and has never conceived but there seems to be no medical reason. She won't have a baby now, but has told people that she's "subfertile" Could that be a way of saying it if you're looking for something less stark?

DazzleU · 14/05/2015 08:03

YANBU - your "friend was - if she says anything again just retort with well my gynae say I am - so no idea why you think you know more.^

I'd be quiet blunt without going into details.

It's not possible is less blunt phasing somehow but you can say whatever you feel like.

chairmeoh · 14/05/2015 08:11

Wow, I'm not sure I'd be calling her a friend.
i wouldn't be able to forgive this, personally. And I'd be telling her how hurt you are by what she said.
I'm truly sorry for your diagnosis. It must be so hard to come to terms with. Is there no one you could talk to about this, to let your emotions run free?

toomuchtooold · 14/05/2015 08:13

Your friend can get to fuck, really.

I think if you define infertility as "you have exhausted all options in reproductive medicine and you still don't have a baby" then almost nobody would be infertile. There is IVF, then donor eggs, donor sperm, surrogacy... on paper at least it's possible to swap out almost any part of the reproductive process that has problems. Because of that very few people ever get the simple diagnosis of, you're infertile, give it up. And everyone who goes through fertility investigations or treatment really has to decide for themselves where to draw the line and say that's it, we're finished.

All of which has bugger all to do with your friend. You are infertile for any sensible definition of infertile, and who the hell does she think she is for questioning you?

Original poster

EustaciaBenson · 14/05/2015 08:43

Thank you to everyone who has replied, reading all of this has been really moving, and has helped. Thank you as well to those who have told me they are infertile. My facebook is currently full of baby posts, I'm 30 so it seems to be the peak time for everyone I went to school and uni with to be having children, and whilst I am very happy for them, it does feel like everyone else has just got pregnant and I'm the only one who cant. Whilst I wouldnt wish this on anyone else, I'm also glad I'm not alome if that makes sense.

We are considering adoption, but we dont want to look at that until next year at the earliest, I need to be past this as best I can

OP posts:

Duckdeamon · 14/05/2015 08:50

Your work are bang out of order too, to suggest that your concerns about workload are due to you not coping with your personal situation, that's disgraceful! Do you have a union or decent HR department?

Original poster

EustaciaBenson · 14/05/2015 08:59

Theres only 5 employees, its one of the down sides to a small company, too much work, not enough time to do it and a boss who is a control freak and convinced everyone just cant be bothered to do their job properly no matter how hard they try. Ironically I stayed there because the hours would be good if I had children! I just applied for another job, keeping my fingers crossed, as the friend mentioned here works with me so it would solve two problems

OP posts:

Scuttlebutter · 14/05/2015 09:08

Just wanted to add that you are very much NOT alone - between 20 and 30% of women in hte UK are childless - a significant proportion. I found that having friends with very young DC/babies is when the lifestyles/interests diverge the most, and now the majority of our friends are also childless or are empty nesters. Make a conscious effort to find some new friends who are also childless and this will give you a bit of a breathing space when it gets a bit much. What also helped us is that we have a particular interest/hobby (which has now become my business) and we have found that when you are taking part in something like this, people are much more focused on the interest than your personal circumstances. Rather than seeing my childfree life as something lesser, or something to apologise for/be ashamed of, I now see it simply as a great alternative, and we made a conscious decision as a couple to make it the best possible. As a consequence, twenty years on from where you are now, we have a rich, fulfilling life, with great friends, a flourishing business, and a deep sense of satisfaction/purpose. In contrast, some of the friends with DC are "enjoying" their teenagers or are suddenly adjusting to life without DC at home and are struggling. There were some painful bits in the early years (similar to what you are going through) and I found it necessary to quickly toughen up. For instance, when visiting certain family members and knowing conversations on children were inevitable, we played Buzzword Bingo. May sound a bit silly, but it actually does help.

MaxPepsi · 14/05/2015 09:24

Another one here who is infertile - however that is not a term I personally use.

I knew when I married DH that we would struggle to have kids as he has a low sperm count, however it appears I also have problems, that are so far unexplained.

We regularly get asked when we will be starting a family and I just reply with we can't. I don't take offence when I'm asked the initial question or if people ask further intelligent questions about why. What really pisses me off is when, in an attempt to make me feel better I'm sure, I get comments along the lines of, oh don't give up, you never know. Miracles do happen! Er, no they fucking don't - not in our case!!!

I also get really pissed off when if the subject of IVF comes up I get berated for choosing not to go for that option, like I'm letting the side of motherhood down or something!

tobysmum77 · 14/05/2015 10:13

What about replying 'no, I chose to have children, hence we ttc for 5 years?' with a suitably confused/ sympathetic are you think or something look on your face....

tobysmum77 · 14/05/2015 10:14

thick, not think....

Owllady · 14/05/2015 10:19

I would bin your friend, what an incredibly insensitive reaction to a factual statement. You are not being unreasonable at all

Eltonjohnsflorist · 14/05/2015 10:23

She's nitpicking over a technicality with you about something this serious? What a cunt

Momagain1 · 14/05/2015 10:29

Your friend is being an idiot.

Whether or not she knows the details, reaching this stage, of full knowledge, acceptance, and the ability to state it publicly is a pretty major accomplishment, mentally and emotionally. It must have been hard to reach this point.

However, does she have any idea of your list of medical issues? If so, she is still an idiot, but being minimally informed might help her not be.

Is she going through the process of diagnosis herself and projecting her own denial on you? There may be no way to resolve that from your side.

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