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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to say I'm infertile

61 replies

EustaciaBenson · 13/05/2015 22:53

I've been trying to get pregnant for 5 years and recently I found out I have a unicornuate uterus, I only have half my uterus. This bring highly increased chances of late miscarriage. Add to that I have an unusual form of under active thyroid and pcos, my chances arent very good. I've had one positive pregnancy test but that turned out to be a false positive. So I cant get pregnant naturally and if I did have IVF my chances for all these reasons of carrying a baby to full term are extremely slim. I decided the odds were not in my favour, and my gynae agreed that in my case IVF probably wasnt worth it.

So now when it comes up in conversation which it has done a few times recently as my sister has just had a baby so theres the usual 'are you next' comments I've been saying I'm infertile. But I had a friend (no infertility issues themselves) have a go at me the other day saying that I'm not infertile I chose not to have children. I guess they right in a way in that I've decided not to go for IVF but I was a bit upset as the friend was quite nasty about it. Are they right? I just dont want to get into a complicated conversation with people about my uterus in a passing conversation! I tell them I'm infertile so they dont keep asking and putting their foot in it but now I've been made to feel like I'm really out of order and should just say I've chosen not to have children, but thats not really the case either.

I realise this is probably as pathetic AIBU but its been bothering me, and I cant mention it to family because they get all upset and then I have to comfort them when I'd just like some comfort myself, and my DH is all stiff upper lip dont talk about personal problems

OP posts:

Duckdeamon · 14/05/2015 10:29

Applying for other jobs sounds like a good plan, the boss's attitude about people where you are sucks!

IME people, including those going through their own struggles, can be weird and horrible about others' decisions to do with fertility, eg investigations, private healthcare, IVF (or not), more IVF (or not), alternative therapies, lifestyle (drinking/diet/weight/exercise/work), egg or sperm donation, travelling abroad for treatment. These things and circumstances are so personal.

Vagndidit · 14/05/2015 10:31

I am "secondarily" infertile, supposedly, although many friends insist that I also cannot be infertile b/c I have chosen not to go down the route of fertility treatment, and have successfully managed 1 pregnancy and child naturally 7 year ago---which my consultant admitted, given the extent of my condition, was a 1 in a million shot...he's my miracle baby, truly.

But heh ho, opinions are like arseholes. Every has 'em.

Duckdeamon · 15/05/2015 06:46

That's awful too vagndidit, sorry those friends have been so insensitive and ignorant about secondary infertility.

catzpyjamas · 15/05/2015 07:50

Fingers crossed for your new job. Good luck!

SageYourResoluteOracle · 15/05/2015 09:27

My name's Sage and I'm infertile!

I was diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure 6 weeks after my DH and I returned from honeymoon. I had just turned 31 and the horror of being told I was going through menopause...well I never want to return to that moment. Of course, as I had just got married, everyone wanted to know when we were going to start a family so I made a point of being really open about what was going on. If people rudely pressed further, well my philosophy was that if they were daft enough to ask rude and highly personal questions, then I wasn't going to spare their feelings. So I would respond to ' my mum's brother's second cousin's twice removed adopted and then had a baby naturally' and suchlike with, 'No. Very unlikely to happen: I have no eggs and my ovaries have shrivelled to the size of raisins'. That usually shut the sticky beakers up.

Hmmm. I didn't deal with the grief of my diagnosis that well in the early days so I'm afraid some people experienced the full force of my seething rage. Still though, I didn't see why I should be sensitive to people who were being completely nosy and insensitive with me.

I feel for you OP. Your body, your situation, totally up to you how you 'explain' yourself.

For you

(As a caveat, I now have DD as a result of egg donation IVF but I remain infertile .... and on bloody HRT, having regular DEXAs and endo biopsies for regular bleeding... fucks sake...)

SageYourResoluteOracle · 15/05/2015 09:33

Oh and you're not being unreasonable. Your frenemy has no right to stipulate how you define your own circumstances!

DontTurnAround · 15/05/2015 10:03

You're friend is a bitch. I don't want to say I'm infertile, but I probably am. We've been TTC for about 5 years. I have PCOS. Need to loose about 6 stones to get treatment. Unfortunately I also have BED and majorly binge for comfort. Upset about a pregnancy announcement/scan/new baby eat four bars of chocolate and a mcdonalds. I know that I shouldn't, I know its not the answer, doesnt stop me.

The other thing is like you I may choose not to have treatment if I ever reach an acceptable weight for t. I've told my DH this, he doesn't believe me just assumes we'll keep trying every possible route but TBH I don't know that I am up for that emotional rollercoaster..

Giantbabymama · 15/05/2015 10:19

I agree with Don'tturnaround. People seem to think because you can get IVF on the NHS these days that it's easy peasy. It is really not. My aunt had a horrible time doing it with miscarriages and stillbirths. I would never discourage anyone from doing it if they really wanted to of course, and I understand it can be straightforward for some although is still invasive.

People are nosy bastards and it's totally up to you what you say to people.

Naty1 · 15/05/2015 10:54

Just wondering what you mean by unusual form of hypothyroidism.

I have both pcos and mild hypothyroidism.
2 out of 3 of our ivfs have worked. So far as i can see these 2 conditions, once controlled are not barriers to ivf working. (And despite the high mc rate for these 2 conditions i havent been affected by that. In fact my issues were not even the cause of needing ivf which was mfi and that potentially had the biggest affect on the treatment as it (i think) caused very low fertilisation rates.
Of course i dont know about the unicornate uterus though.
I agree with you though it is infertility if you cant conceive within the 2 yrs naturally. And your colleagues opinions are offensive

lljkk · 15/05/2015 12:01

yanbu

BarbarianMum · 15/05/2015 12:12

YANBU

Your friend is a stupisd and insensitive cow.

A top tip from a friend who struggled with infertility for many years: When someone asks you why you don't have children, or when you will have children stare fixedly at their left ear and say 'God did not send them'. She said that had a 100% success rate of shutting people up.

Good luck with whatever the future brings.

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