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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To even consider working/training whilst DH Has such a crazy,stressful job??

41 replies

Lifeisacaberet · 12/05/2015 14:15

DH runs his own business and has always worked long, unpredictable hours. I am in the fortunate position that I'm a SAHM but my DCS are now 10& 7 and I need to do something more.

However, everytime I consider retraining or getting a job some crisis happens and I thank my lucky stars that I can drop everything and sort homelife out.
Also DH has started up a new branch to his business and is working up to 14 hours a day and is next to useless exhausted evenings/weekends.

A big part of me is paranoid that should I take on an extra commitment the whole house of cards will come crashing down within weeks. Even with studying with the OU for instance the cost is huge and I'm scared of not being able to apply myself properly.

Still I need to do something....

OP posts:

JeanSeberg · 12/05/2015 14:17

My first thought is why should his career flourish at the expense of yours?

26Point2Miles · 12/05/2015 14:22

That was my thought too

And what are these crises that you have to drop everything to sort out?

SkodaLabia · 12/05/2015 14:23

Of course you should work! Why should you stagnate just because of your DH's chosen career?

OllyBJolly · 12/05/2015 14:30

Can you do something on a self employed basis that gives you the flexibility to drop in and out? At 10 and 7 your kids should be reasonably self sufficient to free up some of your time. I completed two OU degrees while my kids were growing up. I was a single parent who worked full time and I'm not that organised (or even that bright). I had crises - mother had a breakdown, father long terminal illness, redundancy - but you just have to deal with it all. I'm quite sure if you did work, you'd still solve any issues that arise.

One thing I would say is that I found children most obliging and manageable up to the age of 13. It was the teenage years that sapped all my energy and inner resource. I'd advise that if you are going to explore new things then now is the best time to do it.

(If these crises are to do with your DH's work then I hope you are being recognised and recompensed for that?)

MumSnotBU · 12/05/2015 14:35

Just do it. There will never be a good time, the crises will keep coming-it's called life and you will all have to pull together as a family. That niggle that you could be doing your own thing will just keep on getting nigglier until you act. Then you will wish you'd done it earlier.

Listen to 'feel the fear and do it anyway' on YouTube

Original poster

Lifeisacaberet · 12/05/2015 14:43

I did work until youngest DC was 3 in a demanding job, which I never enjoyed and was a nightmare in terms of organising childcare. It was a mutual decision that I leave and become a SAHM, not least as he earns far more than me. I think the nightmare of school holidays, ferrying to/from school, illness is still fresh in my mind.

I am not resentful of him as he works bloody hard and has given us a good standard of living. I just want to find something for me

OP posts:

26Point2Miles · 12/05/2015 14:45

So do it. We all face those obstacles and fears with children

NRomanoff · 12/05/2015 15:00

You don't know until you try. I think your kids are of an age where you can do bits while they are there. Its not easy, but there will always be a crisis. You just have to work around what life throws at you.

For those saying why should your career be less significant than his. Its not that simple. He has built a business that pays all their bills etc. To ask him to scale back so she can start something new, puts the families finances at risk.

SweetAndFullOfGrace · 12/05/2015 15:06

At 10 I was catching the bus and train to school for about an hour each way on my own. Kids start to be so much more independent at that age, you should definitely start to put yourself and your needs higher in the family priority list. If it doesn't work out then it won't be wasted experience, you can try again in a few years.

twentyten · 12/05/2015 15:10

What do you want to do? What about volunteering to get your skills back up etc with less commitment?

TrueFact · 12/05/2015 15:21

Sorry but I don't think having a dh out at work 14 hours a day and too tired to get involved in family life at weekends as a 'good standard of living'. Money might buy material goods but he'll never get back that time with his kids.
In your situation I'd be looking at a much more equal share of responsibilities. Surely your DH can hire help/delegate? And yes, if you want to study/work then you should, and he should enable that just as you have enabled him to build his business.

Stubbed · 12/05/2015 15:46

Why don't you work with your husband? Take some hours off him and do something interesting for yourself? I'd love to do that

woowoo22 · 12/05/2015 18:37

What would the alternative have been to resolve the crises if you hadn't been at home?

Sounds like you're not fussed about studying or working. Which is fair enough If you wanted it you'd go for it.

Mutley77 · 13/05/2015 01:02

I know it can feel overwhelming when you are the only one responsible for your dc most of the time.. However of course it's possible for you to work or train. Many single parents do it and for me the solution is just to count dh out of the equation as his job is more important to our family at the moment.

You may find though, that your dh steps up beyond your expectation when you are not always there to help. I am looking at jobs at the moment and found one for three school days although they want a little more in terms of hours.. Dh has agreed he could go in at 845 after dropping the dc off once a week if it's a regular arrangement so I can start early; he will just block his diary. If not I could always use breakfast club or swap favours with a friend.

Crises are unhappily a fact of family life and will just have to be dealt with. I find that not always being available at the drop of a hat enables the dc to be a bit more resilient in coping and I have also built up a bigger support network through needing more help (in my case it's because I also have a two year old to look after and things have been tricky over the last two years with dh not around a lot, even without a job to contend with!)

But don't feel you need to do anything else, you are now entering the fab time of a sahm imo. I find the older dc more rewarding and six hours a day to yourself must be great for developing interests, doing exercise and keeping on top of everything else!

JeanSeberg · 13/05/2015 06:33

No wonder women's careers are screwed after they have kids with the attitudes of the male partners/co-parents on here.

PeachyPants · 13/05/2015 06:54

Of course you're not crazy to consider work or training, millions of women manage this with a DP who has a stressful job, heck millions of women manage this whilst on there own. Think about what back up plans you have if there is a genuine crisis and make sure that they don't involve you dropping everything to sort it out, also revaluate where you set the bar for a crisis, minor illness and school holidays are not insurmountable problems, talk to other parents and see how they manage these things. I did wonder when you said that you need to do something whether this was because of a genuine desire to do this or because now your children are both that bit older you feel that you should be doing something different, do you feel unspoken pressure from others to move on from being a SAHM? If it's the latter then I think the plan is likely to unravel anyway.

Waltonswatcher · 13/05/2015 07:15

I get totally what your saying op. I'm in the same position . I float the idea periodically and then major catastrophe strikes . Every family has issues, but the fact is that some are worse and we all cope differently .
Mine are 15,12 and 3. For now I'm comfortable being the support crew. Others judge me - last night our kids coach was 'joking' I did nothing . I ignored it and gave him the finger as he walked away .
What about starting off with voluntary work ? This would ease you in and satisfy the needing more aspect .

museumum · 13/05/2015 07:20

With you as a sahp your dh has had absolute and complete freedom to work as long as he likes and take no responsibility for any family responsibilities.
Do you really think that's fair?
I run my own business and I do the nursery pick ups. It is possible. I think you need to talk to your dh about him getting some balance in his life so you can have some in yours!!

Triliteral · 13/05/2015 07:31

My children are a little bit older (youngest is ten) and my husband works similarly long hours, and a year ago i went back to work two days a week. I started in a relatively undemanding role with potential to take on something more later. Life Has carried on, and there have been some really tough things happening, and though now and then i have wished i didn't have to go to work, generally when I'm there I actually enjoy it and am really glad that I have a life outside the family hothouse. It's good to be me instead of someone's wife or mother, and I love having my own money that I earned as well.

Pussycatbow · 13/05/2015 07:34

I'm with waltons. Being the support crew IS a proper job. I did what you're contemplating but it was not easy. I think it comes down to your tolerance for chaos/stress. Life will keep throwing stuff at you. The ability to "keep calm and carry on" is not one of my strong points. I felt very conflicted, but saw it through.

Agree that volunteering is a great place to start.

however · 13/05/2015 08:05

I'm in the same position, but do a little work from home in a field that interests me and that earns me about 1k per month.

Last time I was >< this close to getting a proper job, 2 of my kids got sick, a third needed an emergency operation, I got gastro, and Dad had a stroke. All in the space of a month.

It's do-able if you really want to get your teeth back into your career, or if financially there isn't another choice, it's just that it can be a very stressful existence.

propelusagain · 13/05/2015 08:21

Smame here- I have been in that position.

I started doing some work from home, working more when I had the time, easing back when things were busy and during school holidays.
I still work from home many years later although my youngest is 15- I earn as much as I could do working full time for an employer, so has worked out well for me.

Happyyellowcar · 13/05/2015 08:24

Of course you can work or study!! You have so much time available to you! At least 6 hours when DC at school and evenings too as they are older! You can study alongside them and set a great example! My mam did French and IT at college when I was growing up and did better than me and I am so proud if her! I have 3 DC 5 and under and I am a tutor in the evenings and also weekends plus I started a business when DS2 was a year old and still do bits with that around the DC although I am officially on mat leave with DD. My DH also has a busy stressful job with long hours and works weekends / into the night all the time . That is no excuse ! You will find a way if you really want to !

Nettletheelf · 13/05/2015 08:24

Do your retraining or get a job. I don't know how old you are, but I surmise that you have plenty of years ahead of you. Don't miss out on personal fulfilment; you'll regret it later in life. If you and your husband are both working, you may be able to afford extra childcare and help around the house.

Iggly · 13/05/2015 08:27

You have a good monetary standard of living. Doesn't make it a good one. What happens if your DH burns out from stress? Then what?

You could make it work, it would just mean your DH taking different options I.e being around marginally more. And I am sure he would deal with it.

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