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AIBU?

To even consider working/training whilst DH Has such a crazy,stressful job??

41 replies

Lifeisacaberet · 12/05/2015 14:15

DH runs his own business and has always worked long, unpredictable hours. I am in the fortunate position that I'm a SAHM but my DCS are now 10& 7 and I need to do something more.

However, everytime I consider retraining or getting a job some crisis happens and I thank my lucky stars that I can drop everything and sort homelife out.
Also DH has started up a new branch to his business and is working up to 14 hours a day and is next to useless exhausted evenings/weekends.

A big part of me is paranoid that should I take on an extra commitment the whole house of cards will come crashing down within weeks. Even with studying with the OU for instance the cost is huge and I'm scared of not being able to apply myself properly.

Still I need to do something....

OP posts:
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JessieMcJessie · 14/05/2015 02:59

you really should not enable your DH to continue to conduct his work life to the extent that he is essentially absent and exhausted. He is not "working bloody hard" and making a success of his business he is managing his business badly and to the detriment of his own health and family. Do you all really love the money that much?

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AmateurSeamstress · 14/05/2015 00:49

I think you deserve some extra support from DH in doing it though. If you do take on more, you might need him to pick up some of the home stuff - and this should be possible if he has the will to do it.

The family priorities might need to change - he might need to leave work to pick the kids up sometimes and that is probably a culture shock to him. However, lots of parents work AND pick up kids without the world ending, even if they have the "more important" job in the family, and he probably can too. Get him onside and work with him on this, otherwise it could be quite divisive.

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catsrus · 14/05/2015 00:30

The OU does some great masters courses too....

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catsrus · 14/05/2015 00:29

Do you already have a degree? If not then you can get a student loan for the OU fees. It works out at around £15k for an OU degree rather than the £27k most others charge. If you do have a degree already then a masters might be a more sensible option - unless the money isn't an issue for another UG degree.

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Purplepoodle · 14/05/2015 00:18

Why not a masters? Top up your qualifications?

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Kiwiinkits · 13/05/2015 23:15

Yes, retrain and get the job. Not only for personal satisfaction, but also for your financial security. If your DH was to die or become very ill, what would you do? You need to establish an ability to support yourself and your family. Also, what do you see yourself doing when your kids leave home? that's not that far into the future.

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missymayhemsmum · 13/05/2015 20:14

when you say 'crisis' where are these coming from? Lots of us lone parents work with school age kids and find there are no crises that childcare and flexible working can't deal with. Or are the demands that you drop everything and deal with a crisis coming from your OH?

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LinesThatICouldntChange · 13/05/2015 17:18

I agree with those who say is it really a good quality of life for a parent to be working 14 hour days as routine, and to be too knackered/ busy to even enjoy family weekends. One partner working crazy hours for big bucks doesnt necessarily mean a good quality life. You understandably want more to your life, and part of the deal may be your DH cutting back a bit. That way you get the stimulation you need and your children get more time with dad, or at least a dad who's not worn out! Win win

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IamJeff · 13/05/2015 13:37

I completely understand where you are co I got from.

To those who say why should your DH's career flourish...usually this is because the household stays together with a good income!

I am in a similar position, with 4 children (4, 7, 10 and 13) it's bloody hard work with no help! My littlest is starting school...I decided when littlest went to nursery to do an OU degree. Psychologically this gives me purpose, I intend to do a PGCE when I graduate and in the meantime I volunteer ??

I also try and make time for my own interests, this will help with your future CV too. I am doing a cookery class, I have done table tennis and I'm a level one football coach.

I consider myself VERY lucky my DH nurtures his career to support his children and now I can pick and choose the things I do, and my career. At 40 years old you have 25 plus years of career left.

I don't want to be sitting at home for that long or cleaning toilets!

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Lipsync · 13/05/2015 13:26

Lifeis, as you can see yourself, you have in part enabled this scenario by making yourself available to cover all emergencies as the support act in your husband's career - as in, he is only able to work crazy hours because you are there to pick up the slack. He will just have to find ways of working more efficiently and delegating when you start to work or study, the way he would if, for reasons of illness or a family emergency that called you away for a period, you weren't able to do what you now do. Go for it. Also, HellKitty's post makes a lot of sense,

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frazmum · 13/05/2015 13:12

Have just finished an OU degree. Wish I'd started it earlier but had same thoughts as you. Go for it!

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Lifeisacaberet · 13/05/2015 11:50

Thank you for all your thoughts, I identify with most of what has been written.

Yes I feel like I'm in the supporting role, nothing wrong with that, but feel like I've made a rod for my own back, where everyone seems so dependant on me.
There is also probably is an element that I feel 'I should' be doing something else . I have a degree and previously held down a responsible job; but my DCs think I 'just do housework' ??. Bit of rubbish inner conflict about what role model I'm presenting - aargh.

But I do realise that if I really do have the motivation I can find a way and make it work. It wouldn't hurt for everyone to be a bit more self sufficient.

Am considering an OU degree, mainly for interest but who knows....?
Am also volunteering at DCs school so that gives me something else to think about.

OP posts:
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HellKitty · 13/05/2015 08:54

Can I just mention a word of warning? I was a sahm of three. My H (now thankfully X) worked long hours and often away. His wages meant I didn't have to work but I wanted something for me, he didn't want me to work (warning there) as 'we don't have family around' for any crisis. I started retraining p/t for fun mainly when my youngest was 2, oldest was 5. I qualified after 3 years. Fast forward on and I left him (EA, controlling arsehole) and my 'little' retraining qualification turned into my then career which fed and clothed myself and the three DCs. I would have been stuck without it.

I'm not saying that you will split up but you do need something for you, for your future. 7 & 10 are plenty old enough to take some responsibility. Too many women on here haven't worked, their children have left home or are teens and their DH have buggered off with an OW.

Best case scenario, your wages pay for meals out and treats and you have something to talk about that isn't his work.

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museumum · 13/05/2015 08:43

It sounds like your dh is quite a workaholic - it will be tough for you when the children start going off to study or whatever if you don't start building up something now.

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WhoNickedMyName · 13/05/2015 08:42

OP you're not describing any special or different circumstances or set up to millions of families across the UK, and they make it work, because they have to or really want to.

if you really want to do it, you'll do it, if not you'll put obstacles in your own way.

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TheWordFactory · 13/05/2015 08:35

OP, it's really easy to talk yourself out of things.

I turned down a few corking opportunities when the DC were younger, because I was concerned that they might not work. Our status quo was very comfortable (DH in a successful city career, me working from home as a writer, DC thriving beautifully).

Then something, a smallish role, came up that I wanted to try. And I did. My thinking being that if it was a hot mess of fire fighting and logistical nightmares, I'd quit and go back to just doing the day job.

You know what? It's been fine. More than fine. DH and I work it out Grin.

Since then, more things have come up and I've taken them too. It's all good.

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Iggly · 13/05/2015 08:27

You have a good monetary standard of living. Doesn't make it a good one. What happens if your DH burns out from stress? Then what?

You could make it work, it would just mean your DH taking different options I.e being around marginally more. And I am sure he would deal with it.

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Nettletheelf · 13/05/2015 08:24

Do your retraining or get a job. I don't know how old you are, but I surmise that you have plenty of years ahead of you. Don't miss out on personal fulfilment; you'll regret it later in life. If you and your husband are both working, you may be able to afford extra childcare and help around the house.

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Happyyellowcar · 13/05/2015 08:24

Of course you can work or study!! You have so much time available to you! At least 6 hours when DC at school and evenings too as they are older! You can study alongside them and set a great example! My mam did French and IT at college when I was growing up and did better than me and I am so proud if her! I have 3 DC 5 and under and I am a tutor in the evenings and also weekends plus I started a business when DS2 was a year old and still do bits with that around the DC although I am officially on mat leave with DD. My DH also has a busy stressful job with long hours and works weekends / into the night all the time . That is no excuse ! You will find a way if you really want to !

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propelusagain · 13/05/2015 08:21

Smame here- I have been in that position.

I started doing some work from home, working more when I had the time, easing back when things were busy and during school holidays.
I still work from home many years later although my youngest is 15- I earn as much as I could do working full time for an employer, so has worked out well for me.

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however · 13/05/2015 08:05

I'm in the same position, but do a little work from home in a field that interests me and that earns me about 1k per month.

Last time I was >< this close to getting a proper job, 2 of my kids got sick, a third needed an emergency operation, I got gastro, and Dad had a stroke. All in the space of a month.

It's do-able if you really want to get your teeth back into your career, or if financially there isn't another choice, it's just that it can be a very stressful existence.

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Pussycatbow · 13/05/2015 07:34

I'm with waltons. Being the support crew IS a proper job. I did what you're contemplating but it was not easy. I think it comes down to your tolerance for chaos/stress. Life will keep throwing stuff at you. The ability to "keep calm and carry on" is not one of my strong points. I felt very conflicted, but saw it through.

Agree that volunteering is a great place to start.

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Triliteral · 13/05/2015 07:31

My children are a little bit older (youngest is ten) and my husband works similarly long hours, and a year ago i went back to work two days a week. I started in a relatively undemanding role with potential to take on something more later. Life Has carried on, and there have been some really tough things happening, and though now and then i have wished i didn't have to go to work, generally when I'm there I actually enjoy it and am really glad that I have a life outside the family hothouse. It's good to be me instead of someone's wife or mother, and I love having my own money that I earned as well.

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museumum · 13/05/2015 07:20

With you as a sahp your dh has had absolute and complete freedom to work as long as he likes and take no responsibility for any family responsibilities.
Do you really think that's fair?
I run my own business and I do the nursery pick ups. It is possible. I think you need to talk to your dh about him getting some balance in his life so you can have some in yours!!

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Waltonswatcher · 13/05/2015 07:15

I get totally what your saying op. I'm in the same position . I float the idea periodically and then major catastrophe strikes . Every family has issues, but the fact is that some are worse and we all cope differently .
Mine are 15,12 and 3. For now I'm comfortable being the support crew. Others judge me - last night our kids coach was 'joking' I did nothing . I ignored it and gave him the finger as he walked away .
What about starting off with voluntary work ? This would ease you in and satisfy the needing more aspect .

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