To even consider working/training whilst DH Has such a crazy,stressful job??

[Lifeisacaberet]

DH runs his own business and has always worked long, unpredictable hours. I am in the fortunate position that I'm a SAHM but my DCS are now 10& 7 and I need to do something more.

However, everytime I consider retraining or getting a job some crisis happens and I thank my lucky stars that I can drop everything and sort homelife out.
Also DH has started up a new branch to his business and is working up to 14 hours a day and is next to useless exhausted evenings/weekends.

A big part of me is paranoid that should I take on an extra commitment the whole house of cards will come crashing down within weeks. Even with studying with the OU for instance the cost is huge and I'm scared of not being able to apply myself properly.

Still I need to do something....

[TheWordFactory]

OP, it's really easy to talk yourself out of things.

I turned down a few corking opportunities when the DC were younger, because I was concerned that they might not work. Our status quo was very comfortable (DH in a successful city career, me working from home as a writer, DC thriving beautifully).

Then something, a smallish role, came up that I wanted to try. And I did. My thinking being that if it was a hot mess of fire fighting and logistical nightmares, I'd quit and go back to just doing the day job.

You know what? It's been fine. More than fine. DH and I work it out .

Since then, more things have come up and I've taken them too. It's all good.

[WhoNickedMyName]

OP you're not describing any special or different circumstances or set up to millions of families across the UK, and they make it work, because they have to or really want to.

if you really want to do it, you'll do it, if not you'll put obstacles in your own way.

[museumum]

It sounds like your dh is quite a workaholic - it will be tough for you when the children start going off to study or whatever if you don't start building up something now.

[HellKitty]

Can I just mention a word of warning? I was a sahm of three. My H (now thankfully X) worked long hours and often away. His wages meant I didn't have to work but I wanted something for me, he didn't want me to work (warning there) as 'we don't have family around' for any crisis. I started retraining p/t for fun mainly when my youngest was 2, oldest was 5. I qualified after 3 years. Fast forward on and I left him (EA, controlling arsehole) and my 'little' retraining qualification turned into my then career which fed and clothed myself and the three DCs. I would have been stuck without it.

I'm not saying that you will split up but you do need something for you, for your future. 7 & 10 are plenty old enough to take some responsibility. Too many women on here haven't worked, their children have left home or are teens and their DH have buggered off with an OW.

Best case scenario, your wages pay for meals out and treats and you have something to talk about that isn't his work.

[Lifeisacaberet]

Thank you for all your thoughts, I identify with most of what has been written.

Yes I feel like I'm in the supporting role, nothing wrong with that, but feel like I've made a rod for my own back, where everyone seems so dependant on me.
There is also probably is an element that I feel 'I should' be doing something else . I have a degree and previously held down a responsible job; but my DCs think I 'just do housework' ??. Bit of rubbish inner conflict about what role model I'm presenting - aargh.

But I do realise that if I really do have the motivation I can find a way and make it work. It wouldn't hurt for everyone to be a bit more self sufficient.

Am considering an OU degree, mainly for interest but who knows....?
Am also volunteering at DCs school so that gives me something else to think about.

[frazmum]

Have just finished an OU degree. Wish I'd started it earlier but had same thoughts as you. Go for it!

[Lipsync]

Lifeis, as you can see yourself, you have in part enabled this scenario by making yourself available to cover all emergencies as the support act in your husband's career - as in, he is only able to work crazy hours because you are there to pick up the slack. He will just have to find ways of working more efficiently and delegating when you start to work or study, the way he would if, for reasons of illness or a family emergency that called you away for a period, you weren't able to do what you now do. Go for it. Also, HellKitty's post makes a lot of sense,

[IamJeff]

I completely understand where you are co I got from.

To those who say why should your DH's career flourish...usually this is because the household stays together with a good income!

I am in a similar position, with 4 children (4, 7, 10 and 13) it's bloody hard work with no help! My littlest is starting school...I decided when littlest went to nursery to do an OU degree. Psychologically this gives me purpose, I intend to do a PGCE when I graduate and in the meantime I volunteer ??

I also try and make time for my own interests, this will help with your future CV too. I am doing a cookery class, I have done table tennis and I'm a level one football coach.

I consider myself VERY lucky my DH nurtures his career to support his children and now I can pick and choose the things I do, and my career. At 40 years old you have 25 plus years of career left.

I don't want to be sitting at home for that long or cleaning toilets!

[LinesThatICouldntChange]

I agree with those who say is it really a good quality of life for a parent to be working 14 hour days as routine, and to be too knackered/ busy to even enjoy family weekends. One partner working crazy hours for big bucks doesnt necessarily mean a good quality life. You understandably want more to your life, and part of the deal may be your DH cutting back a bit. That way you get the stimulation you need and your children get more time with dad, or at least a dad who's not worn out! Win win

[missymayhemsmum]

when you say 'crisis' where are these coming from? Lots of us lone parents work with school age kids and find there are no crises that childcare and flexible working can't deal with. Or are the demands that you drop everything and deal with a crisis coming from your OH?

[Kiwiinkits]

Yes, retrain and get the job. Not only for personal satisfaction, but also for your financial security. If your DH was to die or become very ill, what would you do? You need to establish an ability to support yourself and your family. Also, what do you see yourself doing when your kids leave home? that's not that far into the future.

[Purplepoodle]

Why not a masters? Top up your qualifications?

[catsrus]

Do you already have a degree? If not then you can get a student loan for the OU fees. It works out at around £15k for an OU degree rather than the £27k most others charge. If you do have a degree already then a masters might be a more sensible option - unless the money isn't an issue for another UG degree.

[catsrus]

The OU does some great masters courses too....

[AmateurSeamstress]

I think you deserve some extra support from DH in doing it though. If you do take on more, you might need him to pick up some of the home stuff - and this should be possible if he has the will to do it.

The family priorities might need to change - he might need to leave work to pick the kids up sometimes and that is probably a culture shock to him. However, lots of parents work AND pick up kids without the world ending, even if they have the "more important" job in the family, and he probably can too. Get him onside and work with him on this, otherwise it could be quite divisive.

[JessieMcJessie]

you really should not enable your DH to continue to conduct his work life to the extent that he is essentially absent and exhausted. He is not "working bloody hard" and making a success of his business he is managing his business badly and to the detriment of his own health and family. Do you all really love the money that much?