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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To somehow decline a request to become Guardian?

96 replies

LatieKatie · 11/05/2015 21:20

Help.

Today some friends asked what we thought about becoming the Guardian of their two kids in case something happened to the two of them.

These are pretty good friends. Have known since before both lots of us had kids. We see them about 2/3 times a year (they are not local to us). Kids are very young school age (so - if something happened to the parents tomorrow - we would be talking about around 15 years of "live at home" Guardianship.

The husband has a sister - who he doesn't get on with at all. The wife has several siblings - who I guess that she also doesn't get on with well enough. We are a stable couple with two children a similar age and a nice house in a nice community (although not near their families).

I guess I have three things that put me off Guardianship in this case:

These friends parent slightly differently to me (and I am quite a bit stricter).
I worry about the impact on our current family life: the whole cost of living (including holidays, trips, days out etc) would be considerably more for four kids than two. Ok, we are very lucky and currently do quite a lot of travel and things: can't see that being sustainable for four kids. I assume that money could be "released from the parent's estate" to help fund things, but I would probably feel guilty (i.e. that the estate should be kept intact for their education/future).
my Dad (my mum died a couple of years ago) has been recently diagnosed with inoperable cancer. I am already feeling awfully like "the squashed middle": I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. The thought of further responsibility stresses the crap out of me :(

Husband is not very "community minded" and would be fairly against guardianship of anyone.

I theoretically would be up for guardianship, but probably someone very close to me (nieces/nephews or similar). I would probably struggle to turn friends down as a last resort after the event, but can't help to think that there must be someone closer to them as a better first resort (like one of their siblings).

... BUT I feel like such a bitch wanting to somehow politely decline... How on earth WOULD you politely decline?!

Help :(

OP posts:

however · 12/05/2015 13:01

I'd say yes and hope it never came to pass.

I've not nominated anyone for my kids. I probably won't. I need only stay alive for another 8 years.

Muddymits · 12/05/2015 13:12

I think it is something to be honest about- I turned down one friend because I am already guardian for another friend and actually those children are a good fit with my children whilst the child friend I turned down thrives on more adult one to one than could ever happen in my house.

If my friends died before their children are adults I get £250000 so we could all do whatever would be needed. I have arranged them same for my children with them plus a monthly sum that leaves our'estate' intact.

Our will also mentions who can't have the children too!

UncertainTea · 12/05/2015 13:18

makeit not specifically no. DH spoke to a lawyer who said that naming a guardian in a will does not automatically (not UK) mean that they will be awarded custody. It will be the Social services type people who do that, although they will take named people into consideration first. We have named BIL and put down that if he feels he can't take them on for any reason then some friends and then Dh's cousins (who to be honest, I've met twice, but must be a better choice than my family).

We have specified that we want them brought up in the country where we live (DH's family all here, children born and lived here all their lives) so will have to rely on it being extremely unlikely that they would be given to the guardianship of someone abroad who is not a national of our country and unable to speak the local language.

INeedSomeHelp · 12/05/2015 17:38

I think it's very naive to accept such a request on the basis that it will never happen. Something doesn't have to happen to both parents at the same time for this to become a reality.
I have agreed to be guardian for my two nephews should anything happen to DSis. Sadly her DH was severely and permanently injured in a car accident 10 years ago and can't care for them. So there is only one parent now which means an increased risk.
A pp said it would be ok because they always have the DCs in the car with them. Seriously?! Back seat passengers can walk away relatively unscathed from an accident that kills the front seat passenger(s).
My DSis and I talked at length about what this would mean for me and my nephews, where we would live etc before I agreed so we were both clear on our expectations.
If anyone is asked to do this for friends or family please think very carefully before accepting as it can become a reality more easily than you might think.

amybear2 · 12/05/2015 17:45

*1. They'd be dead, no one to tell you to parent differently

You'd have all their money to raise them

It won't happen*

^This^

LowryFan · 12/05/2015 17:48

Our children's guardians have much older children who are now pretty much grown up. I think its better for guardians not to have children similar or younger age to the parents children.

I think you need to decline. And I am sorry to hear about your dad.

INeedSomeHelp · 12/05/2015 18:40

How can anyone say "it won't happen"? It can and does happen sadly. If it didn't then no-one would ever have to give it any thought.
And should I just disregard my DSis wishes in relation to her DCs because she'll be dead anyway?!

expatinscotland · 12/05/2015 18:46

Politely decline. Just say you discussed it and you cannot offer live-in care.

Sianilaa · 12/05/2015 18:48

You just have to be honest! Nobody could blame you for saying no, and you mustn't feel guilty about it.

We don't really have anyone and sounded out some friends about possibly being a guardian and I'm glad they openly said they felt unable to commit to such a big responsibility.

lurkerspeaks · 12/05/2015 18:51

I'm a friend who has agreed to a guardianship role.

At the moment my friends wouldn't want their kids to live with me as I don't have a particularly child friendly lifestyle - they would want me to mediate between their huge extended family to find the best home for the kids.

I think all of you who say this is a role for family and not friends are being a bit naive. Being related to someone doesn't necessarily confer them with a similar viewpoint!

I was flattered and delighted to be asked and if I have to will carry out the duties with love and attention.

Aermingers · 12/05/2015 18:57

God. I'm lucky. My BIL and SIL are nominated and the whole family knows and would move to support it should anything happen. They have two children who are nearly grown up, they are very happy and have the finances and ability to cope.

I can't imagine how frightening it would be if you didn't really have anybody to ask and feared them ending up in care.

catsrus · 12/05/2015 19:12

A friend and I did a mutual support swap on this - for both of us it would have been a major upheaval - but I didn't have any suitable family in the UK, dh's sister said 'no' (I was shocked tbh) and my friend only had bonkers elderly parents. We asked dh's single best friend as well. We were all very clear that it didn't mean they would have to live with the dc - but we trusted them to make the right choices for the dc. I have other friends who have done the same, mutual agreements with friends not family. Once my eldest dd was 18 I changed it to her as guardian of her siblings.

Apart from anything else there comes a time when they might ask what would happen to them when you die... Mine did after watching some trashy US movie with this in the plot. It was very reassuring for them to know who would be there for them.

yellowdaisies · 12/05/2015 19:15

It can happen. I know of a woman who was killed in a car crash. Her DH was then sent to prison for causing death by dangerous driving. Their child ended up in foster care before eventually ending up with half siblings (who'd gone to live with their dad when their DM died)

yellowdaisies · 12/05/2015 19:17

And both my children have been through a phase of asking what would happen if I died, and their dad died and needed to know there was a back up plan.

Starlightbright1 · 12/05/2015 19:58

I am a LP with no contact from Dad. Yes I have asked someone who said no..Which was very understandable.. About 4 years later I asked someone else who said yes.

I was aware it was a big ask and was perfectly fine with the no. We are still friends.

luckyjazz · 12/05/2015 20:32

I also know of someone this happened to, a friend of my dd's from school, tragically the father killed the mother, he is now serving a life sentence and child and siblings staying with a close relative of the mothers, so it can and does happen,

thankfully my Bil and Dsis have agreed to be guardians to our dd's should the worst happen, horrible thing to have to think about but essential I think, OP I am sure your friends will totally understand why you need to decline.

fellowship33 · 12/05/2015 22:04

We asked dear friends who were the ds's godparents, and they said no. I was surprised but now (years later) think they were right as it wouldn't quite have worked. It didn't affect our wonderful friendship at all - smd I think you should just be honest.

Original poster

LatieKatie · 12/05/2015 22:57

Thank you so much everyone - honestly, the responses to this thread have really helped me to clarify my thoughts.

I will, very politely and humbly, decline. From what has been posted, I doubt that the children coming to live with us (which is what my friend specifically meant) would be good for either the children or my family.

I will, however, lend my support by offering to be a trustee and be involved in supporting the children (both with guidance and with "being there for them", just not on a live in basis).

THank you so much.

OP posts:

emmelinelucas · 12/05/2015 23:06

other mnetters posted brilliant advice, before I started to even compose a response. btw I refused, but not exactly. I just avoided the askees for years. It can be done

minouwasminou · 12/05/2015 23:10

We have an arrangement in our wills for DC to go to DPs best childhood chum, who has a wife and two kids a couple of years older than our two.

The estate will remain intact apart from a sum that'll be freed up for an extension/modifications or similar. There'll be a monthly payment to the family, and there are some instructions about university and schooling.
There's also a couple of trustees...adult nieces of mine, so the DCs cousins. They will hopefully have some influence and relationships with DC.

These friends accepted immediately, but said: "Christy Christ, look after yourselves...", mainly because DD is a gobshite lively sort.

badRoly · 12/05/2015 23:20

It sounds like you made a well considered decision that hopefully your friend will understand.

2 (now pointless ) things from the thread - I had no aunts or uncles (parents both only children) and infirm grandparents so my parents had no choice but to ask friends.

Secondly, we have (like a PP) my brother and dh's sister so that no one person to take our 4 DC unless they want to AND both families have a say. The older DC are aware and dc1 has asked to be added as a Guardian in our wills when she turns 18!

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