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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To somehow decline a request to become Guardian?

96 replies

LatieKatie · 11/05/2015 21:20

Hi

Help.

Today some friends asked what we thought about becoming the Guardian of their two kids in case something happened to the two of them.

These are pretty good friends. Have known since before both lots of us had kids. We see them about 2/3 times a year (they are not local to us). Kids are very young school age (so - if something happened to the parents tomorrow - we would be talking about around 15 years of "live at home" Guardianship.

The husband has a sister - who he doesn't get on with at all. The wife has several siblings - who I guess that she also doesn't get on with well enough. We are a stable couple with two children a similar age and a nice house in a nice community (although not near their families).

I guess I have three things that put me off Guardianship in this case:

  • These friends parent slightly differently to me (and I am quite a bit stricter).
  • I worry about the impact on our current family life: the whole cost of living (including holidays, trips, days out etc) would be considerably more for four kids than two. Ok, we are very lucky and currently do quite a lot of travel and things: can't see that being sustainable for four kids. I assume that money could be "released from the parent's estate" to help fund things, but I would probably feel guilty (i.e. that the estate should be kept intact for their education/future).
  • my Dad (my mum died a couple of years ago) has been recently diagnosed with inoperable cancer. I am already feeling awfully like "the squashed middle": I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. The thought of further responsibility stresses the crap out of me :(

Husband is not very "community minded" and would be fairly against guardianship of anyone.

I theoretically would be up for guardianship, but probably someone very close to me (nieces/nephews or similar). I would probably struggle to turn friends down as a last resort after the event, but can't help to think that there must be someone closer to them as a better first resort (like one of their siblings).

... BUT I feel like such a bitch wanting to somehow politely decline... How on earth WOULD you politely decline?!

Help :(

OP posts:
superram · 11/05/2015 21:54

My best friend (and my mum) is my children's guardian but she won't necessarily have to take them in. My mum lives miles away so will depend on circumstances of our death (hopefully never).

Iloveonionchutney · 11/05/2015 21:58

It is a very big ask, something that worries me is there is no family to care for my children of anything were to happen to myself and dh, but at the same time I don't feel like I could ask friends to take such a responsibility, I feel foster care would probably be best for my children as they'd be going to someone who genuinely wanted that burden.
I think if you sit and explain your sutuation they will understand.

JoanHickson · 11/05/2015 22:02

I named a relative as Guardian and named three to oversee finances, one being the Guardian. If they don't do it they don't, I will be dead so clueless. DC will hardly be on the streets.

Luckystar82 · 11/05/2015 22:02

specialsubject I guess that makes sense then with older grandparents and fewer siblings. I just hadn't thought about it. I suppose I should think about it for our child.

I would expect family to step in if we die. I certainly wouldn't expect our friends to take on the responsibility of looking after our child, even though we are all very close and see them weekly. We have know them all for 20+ years but I could never ask them to do that as they are not family. They have their own families and we are not blood. I think it's a fairly strange thing to ask of your friends tbh.

If no family could take on the responsibility of looking after our child, I would prefer my child to go into foster care and have access to our estate for university/ age 21. It would be a good idea to have a friend as trustee in this scenario to guide and advise them on using the money sensibly and provide a sort of mentoring role.

I would say that you feel the guardianship role is one for family and not for friends.

Original poster
LatieKatie · 11/05/2015 22:02

... AND we have already done it ourselves.

We have named my older brother, who has accepted.

I think that you need to. If we died without naming someone, then my PILs would have stepped in. They would be very keen, but they are older (60s/70s) and are a little "whacky" in many of their ideas (absolutely fine as grandparents, but not pragmatic enough to parent they way that we would like). My brother and his wife will provide our kids with a much more well rounded and grounded upbringing (and less likely to die whilst the DCs are young either). PIL would still be involved.

Our friends and us are in our 40s: you never know and I think that people in their 40s are a lot more "morbidly aware"...

Very sadly it does happen. Blooming hope it never does: can't bare the thought of leaving DC without a mum, let alone both parents. But if we do, then there are plans and finances in place.

OP posts:
VelvetRose · 11/05/2015 22:04

Yes, we've done it. I'm sure we won't need our lovely guardians for dd but I'd hate to leave it to chance. I also know a family that lost both parents, not at once but in quick succession when their dd's were in their early teens.

In all honestly I wouldn't agree to it unless I felt I could actually do it.

LaLyra · 11/05/2015 22:07

Could you accept to be the Guardian and Trustee, but on the basis that you will ensure that the children go to the place that is best for them at the time when it's (hopefully never) needed?

That way they know that someone will be looking out for the children's best interests and you don't have a fixed commitment to take the children into your home if that's not what is best for everyone at that time.

Also everyone should be aware that even if you fix guardians and detail it in your will it is only a request. If a family member objected then social services will get involved and go with what is best for the child. I'm currently having this debate with a friend who is "willing" her daughter to her sister and seems to think this will mean there is no chance that she will go to her father (who she has a strong/close relationship with) because she's said so.

Bodyinpyjamas10 · 11/05/2015 22:07

Unless you want to then don't. It's unfair to the children.

domesticslattern · 11/05/2015 22:07

It is okay to say no thanks.
My DB declined when I asked him to be named in our wills as guardian of (then) DC1. Just said he wouldn't be up to the job. I appreciated his honesty and it didn't cause some kind of huge rift!

Luckystar82 · 11/05/2015 22:12

LatieKatie Thanks for making me think - I'm in my early 30s, although I found out today a friend at uni died yesterday so it made me think that could happen to me

Luckystar82 · 11/05/2015 22:14

*had lost touch with friend years ago - he died of cancer. Very sad and made me think I'm lucky to be healthy

nutellawithbananas · 11/05/2015 22:15

Thanks for writing this thread OP as currently we are in similar position to your friends. I'm an only and although we are cordial with other half's sister the last thing we would want us for our children to live with her permanently. We feel it's too much to ask our elderly parents on both sides so are left with trying to find guardians. We have narrowed the options to 3 families but I think we need to ask all 3 rather than choose 1 now, so that there are options and they can feel they can say no if it's not right for them. Also I will be clear that there will be plenty of money left in the estate and that it should be used for their whole family life straightaway not saved for the future.
For your question - i would be ok to hear the truth. If they are sensible enough to be thinking about this scenario then I'm sure they know they are asking a very big thing and should be prepared to hear a no answer.

Original poster
LatieKatie · 11/05/2015 22:21

Lucky, so sorry to hear that :(. I think that if you have children then you really need to consider it. Without children, then "something" will happen to the money and who really cares. But if children are involved... There might be people that you would really prefer them to be brought up by or not brought up by (like DHs nutty sister... :( ).

OP posts:
littlejohnnydory · 11/05/2015 22:27

It's definitely essential to name someone if you don't want them growing up with your own family.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 11/05/2015 22:30

We simply don't share a number of views (religious and parenting) with our siblings and to some extent my PIL (who are lovely and very attentive grandparents, but not really in the parent mentality). However PIL are in our wills as looking after the DCs should DH and I both die. My worry is that as they get older, siblings would take on care of our DCs which isn't what we want.

We must get our life insurance sorted out to ensure there's adequate money for the DCs and then we have really good friends we'd like to ask. A bit nervous about it really, however it is fairly unlikely to be needed, although clearly does happen.

CheshireSplat · 11/05/2015 22:35

putting the other side, DH and I have siblings but for various reasons have asked very good friends (a couple) to look after our DC should we die. I waited with baited breathe to hear their response as its such a big decision. I would have understood completely had they said they didn't want to do it.

AuditAngel · 11/05/2015 22:38

We have asked a relative and her husband to be guardian to our 3 DC in the event something happens to both of us. It is not a sibling, of whom, between us we have 6. However, our siblings are not the people we feel would provide the best upbringing if we aren't here.

If something happens, money will not be a problem, and one sibling has been appointed financial trustee, separating the responsibilities.

Collaborate · 11/05/2015 22:45

OP - you misunderstand what it is you're being asked to do.

They don't need your permission to appoint you as guardians (though it's prudent and polite to mention it to you or ask you).

When they have both died you would have parental responsibility vested in you. No one else will have PR. If no one has PR the local authority would either themselves or by encouraging others institute court proceedings so that someone can take important decisions.

It does not mean that you would have to have them live with you. It does however mean that you would have an important say. You would be able to speak to the kids and arrange for them to go and live with someone.

My wife (who is a private client solicitor, so she must know let's face it) and I have appointed grandparents as guardians. We don't expect that the children would live with them, but we would trust them to make the best decision about where they should live.

Whoever the children eventually live with would have to apply for formal legal guardianship though the courts in due course.

Original poster
LatieKatie · 11/05/2015 22:57

Collaborate. The husband has specifically mentioned the children living with us - that is their specific wish (in addition to Guardianship). I appreciate that is not legally binding in the event of both of their deaths, but I wouldn't want to mislead them. That wouldn't be right. Also, the sort of person that I am: if I was appointed "Guardian" (and accepted that), then I wouldn't rest until I felt that the children were well looked after. If I really felt that the best place was with us, then I would find it impossible to decline...

OP posts:
Collaborate · 11/05/2015 23:14

Fair enough then.

Newlywed2013 · 11/05/2015 23:20

We have just asked some close friends to be our dd guardian and to bring her up if the worst happens, luckily they were delighted to with one of them bursting into tears as she was so honoured, and to be honest they have seen our dd well over 20 times despite living 2 hours away compared to all the inlaws that have met her once (and got annoyed after half hour we wouldn't leave her with them for an evening) and the rest yet to meet dd we are in the process of wills being done now. We have been told as we are choosing non family as guardians, family could easily contest our will to get custody so it's in our best interest to clearly state the reasonings for our choices, and why we have not chosen family and the individual reasons so then our thoughts can be considered if it does get contested. Hoping it never comes to that though!

Goldmandra · 12/05/2015 08:32

I would offer to be trustees if they decide to set up a discretionary trust and to keep a watchful eye to ensure they are well looked after by whoever takes over their day to day care for the whole of their childhood, not just in the early weeks. Knowing that you are type of person who can be trusted to take that role seriously could mean a lot to your friends.

ConfusedInBath · 12/05/2015 08:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

prepperpig · 12/05/2015 08:45

This is why IMO its not really fair to ask friends They're your friends, sure but that doesn't mean they want your children for the rest of their lives. I really love some of my friends but am not too keen on some of their children and even those I love I wouldn't be able to cope with on top of my own. As a result I appreciate that people have their own families and wouldn't want my two on top of that.

Family might not always be an ideal choice but its generally the way to go. Clearly nobody wants their children to be like the baudelaire orphans passed from pillar to post but if grandparents are alive they would generally be a better option.

Its completely unfair even to ask friends IMO.

prepperpig · 12/05/2015 08:52

"We've thought about it carefully and we would be very happy to help in the decisions as to where your children should live in the event that something dreadful happens. Clearly family will want to have a say as well and so perhaps we should be appointed jointly with the DC's grandparents?

We wouldn't be able to take the children though I'm afraid since we struggle with [1/2/3]. Do you have any preferences as to where else they would live so that we can take this into account if we ever had to make the decision?"

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