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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder if a man who never wanted children really can change his mind once a child arrives?

56 replies

Sansarya · 11/05/2015 11:34

I’m a bit worried about a friend of mine. She has been with her DP for about ten years and he’s told her from the start that he doesn't want kids. Yet now she is “accidentally” pregnant, which given that they never used contraception, is surprising that it didn't happen earlier. He was not happy when she announced his pregnancy but then said that if it’s what she wants then he’ll go along with it.

However he has told her he won’t be doing any childcare, despite being unemployed (he isn't a cocklodger as he is independently wealthy), won’t be changing any nappies and will not let her mother visit to help her out either as their flat is only small. And if she wants to have friends over then she has to wait til he’s out of the house which, as he’s not working, is not very often. Its only recently that she’s been allowed to cook in the house too as he doesn't like kitchen smells or sounds and always used to get takeaway!

My friend is convinced that once he sees the baby it will all change and he’ll fall in love with his child and want to do everything for it. I really hope for her sake that she is right. Has anyone experienced this sort of transformation in a partner?

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 11/05/2015 11:37

'and will not let her mother visit to help her out either as their flat is only small. And if she wants to have friends over then she has to wait til he’s out of the house which, as he’s not working, is not very often. Its only recently that she’s been allowed to cook in the house too as he doesn't like kitchen smells or sounds and always used to get takeaway!'

This man changing his mind is the least of her problems. He is an abusive fuckwit who isolates her from her family.

He will intensify his abuse after the baby comes, in all likelihood.

WorraLiberty · 11/05/2015 11:37

She wants her head testing.

She's got deliberately pregnant to an abusive arse?

Whether he ends up loving the baby or not, he's not going to change so she should get the hell away from him now.

Thetruthshallmakeyefret · 11/05/2015 11:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissBattleaxe · 11/05/2015 11:40

He's a control freak and she would better off raising the baby alone, not hoping for his paltry conditional pathetic crumbs of approval.

loveareadingthanks · 11/05/2015 11:41

yup. His behaviour is already odd and controlling. The pressures of fatherhood are not going to improve that.

Even if he were a nice man (which he isn't) then in my experience, no, surprise babies with reluctant men never works out well. I know of two men who upped and left. One man who stayed but basically is not interested in the child all that much, it's improving now she's getting older and less 'work' but he left all the baby/toddler/preschool care to the mum.

Too late now though. Your friend has been very stupid and very selfish (everyone has the right to decide if they want children or not) and all you can do is wait and see how it pans out.

MissBattleaxe · 11/05/2015 11:42

and she needs to get some money off the crazy bastard.

Original poster

Sansarya · 11/05/2015 11:44

I agree with everyone who's said that he's controlling etc but unfortunately my friend cannot see it. She has wanted a baby for a while and we told her a few years ago that if that's what she really wanted then maybe she needs to split up with Mr Control and find someone else. But she loves this guy and wanted his child. They had a dog which was quite jealous and she wanted to give it away and he put up a real fight, saying that they should wait and see if the dog poses a danger to the baby before making a decision. Eventually she did convince him that the dog needed to go but seriously, who says that?

OP posts:

TarkaTheOtter · 11/05/2015 11:45

She is wrong. Unless she is blessed with an always easy baby (vanishingly unlikely) there will be times when having a baby will be unrelentingly grim.
Dh and I have a very loving, strong, supportive partnership and there have been times when having a poor sleeping baby has really challenged our relationship.

Not only will be not help but he won't let anybody else help either? - I think she'd be better off without him.

WorraLiberty · 11/05/2015 11:46

He's a controlling, abusive man.

She's a very selfish woman.

I don't envy the baby in this situation.

pocketsaviour · 11/05/2015 11:50

seriously, who says that?

Someone who doesn't want a baby.

This is going to be like watching a car crash for you I'm afraid :(

schokolade · 11/05/2015 11:54

Why is she selfish though? He didn't want the baby, he should have taken control of his contraception.

feministdog · 11/05/2015 11:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ludmiliana · 11/05/2015 11:58

They sound like a right pair.

He made it clear he didn't want a baby, but did nothing to ensure one wasn't conceived.

She wanted a baby, despite being told repeatedly that he didn't, and also shown clearly that he'd be a poor choice for a parent.

They both got a dog which neither of them seem to have trained very well, and now she's happy to get rid of the dependent creature they took on together rather than give it better boundaries, for the sake of the unborn dependent creature that only one of them wants.

Lovely. Good luck.

Original poster

Sansarya · 11/05/2015 11:58

His latest is that they need to move to a bigger flat but he will only consider a flat on a high floor (rather than a house with a garden, which would be better for a child) and is only looking miles away from where they live. So she will effectively be far away from her friends and family and stuck in a high rise flat most of the day. I don’t think the move will happen til the child is several months old but still, it's very worrying. But if you try to speak to her about it she just laughs off all his weird control freak tendencies.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 11/05/2015 12:04

Why is she selfish though? He didn't want the baby, he should have taken control of his contraception.

That goes without saying.

She's selfish for deliberately getting pregnant to an abusive man, just because she loves him and wants a baby.

I can't imagine the sort of affect this man is going to have on the child.

FergalSharkeysfloppyfringe · 11/05/2015 12:04

He wants to end the relationship and make a run for it and doesn't gave the guts.

He should have used protection

She should have used protection.

If you fail to protect against pregnancy, it's not an "accident" when it happens,

Momagain1 · 11/05/2015 12:05

If they havent been using birth control, she isnt accidentally pregnant. It was nearly inevitable.

And I hope once he finds the high flat, she stays put and applies for every benefit she can get in order to be rid of him.

What a nightmare that poor child is joining.

dashoflime · 11/05/2015 12:08

"he isn't a cocklodger as he is independently wealthy"

Those are the worst!

expatinscotland · 11/05/2015 12:09

'But if you try to speak to her about it she just laughs off all his weird control freak tendencies.'

Sorry, but I'd report her to SS after the baby is born. He is abusive.

ludmiliana · 11/05/2015 12:11

well, with that update, I would say that he's trying to wriggle his way out of this relationship by making it as clear as he can that his life does not include any concessions to a family. (A high rise flat? Miles away? What else? Only white carpets? Furniture with very sharp edges? A snake pit?) The only consistent thing seems to be that he's trying to end the relationship in the same 'well, it's your choice' passive way he got her pregnant.

If she were my friend, I'd gently, then quite firmly, suggest that she needs to have her ducks in a row now, because unless they're starring in a Hollywood romcom, he doesn't sound like the kind of man on the verge of a parental epiphany.

Starlightbright1 · 11/05/2015 12:28

I think you are right to be worried however I don't think though she is about to leave him anytime soon.

I think that he will get worse...Esp when she is not feeling well and people are asking about her not him.

The moving away is worrying..Does she work? My concern would be she needs to go back to work for independence. I also think if he doesn't like smells in the flat what is he going to think of baby smells, stewed veg, sick, pooey nappies.

I think she is more likely to be invested in trying to make the happy family.

Be very careful how far you push as she will end up moving away with him left in isolation and a far worse situation.

blueshoes · 11/05/2015 12:30

The only man who might change his mind once the baby is here is a decent man. This one is indecent.

Original poster

Sansarya · 11/05/2015 12:36

Starlight She has a good job and is planning on going back to work, although she’ll have to go back sooner than she’d like as he’s refusing to do any childcare and she can’t afford to stay off for the whole year. He will however contribute towards the cost of nursery and household bills etc.

OP posts:

AuntyMag10 · 11/05/2015 14:22

Your friend is really stupid and irresponsible. That poor child. Disgusting that she purposefully got pregnant knowing what he's like.

jeanmiguelfangio · 11/05/2015 14:29

I feel really sad. I don't normally get that way, but i feel so sad for that baby and for her. In my humble experience, a baby can take its toll on everything in your life, including your relationship. It does bring you closer in some ways but with sleep deprivation and the demands of a baby, even the best relationships can crumble.
I don't think just meeting a baby will change his mind.

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