To wonder if a man who never wanted children really can change his mind once a child arrives?

[Sansarya]

I’m a bit worried about a friend of mine. She has been with her DP for about ten years and he’s told her from the start that he doesn't want kids. Yet now she is “accidentally” pregnant, which given that they never used contraception, is surprising that it didn't happen earlier. He was not happy when she announced his pregnancy but then said that if it’s what she wants then he’ll go along with it.

However he has told her he won’t be doing any childcare, despite being unemployed (he isn't a cocklodger as he is independently wealthy), won’t be changing any nappies and will not let her mother visit to help her out either as their flat is only small. And if she wants to have friends over then she has to wait til he’s out of the house which, as he’s not working, is not very often. Its only recently that she’s been allowed to cook in the house too as he doesn't like kitchen smells or sounds and always used to get takeaway!

My friend is convinced that once he sees the baby it will all change and he’ll fall in love with his child and want to do everything for it. I really hope for her sake that she is right. Has anyone experienced this sort of transformation in a partner?

I don't see that he's done anything wrong, other than not use contraception.

There's nothing "controlling" about not wanting to share your personal space (home) with anyone other than your immediate family. Hell, a lot of us don't want to share even with our immediate family.

Quite a lot of people wouldn't want their MIL living with them. (She lives abroad, so "visiting" probably means living with them. Even if she sleeps elsewhere, I imagine "visiting" to help with the child would mean several hours every working day, in the small home.)

There's nothing wrong with leaving one partner to do everything, if that's agreed in advance and the overall relationship is nevertheless a good deal for that partner. The woman has a good job, it's not like she's negotiating from a position of economic weakness. (Though even if she were, he still wouldn't necessarily be in the wrong. Her lack of better options isn't his fault, and he's not obliged to be in a relationship whose terms are unacceptable to him.)

There is evidence in the OP that the woman is evil, but none than that he is. (She "accidentally" got pregnant.)

The fact that he's offering to help pay for nursery shows he's actually willing to do more than what could be a justifiable minimum, if we knew all the facts.

I base my comments on the OP, not sure if there's anything subsequently that would change my mind. (Have to rush off now.)

(Mostly on the OP, I picked up some subsequent information but see there's also some I missed.)

'Evil'? Really?

"Your friend is really stupid and irresponsible"

And deluded. I know three women who wanted babies when their husbands weren't keen. The husbands did absolutely nothing to help with childcare and two of the marriages subsequently broke up.

Theoretician are you the husband? The fact that he is controlling and won't even let her cook or have friends round is a massive red flag.

The woman is "evil"???