Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if a man who never wanted children really can change his mind once a child arrives?

56 replies

Sansarya · 11/05/2015 11:34

I’m a bit worried about a friend of mine. She has been with her DP for about ten years and he’s told her from the start that he doesn't want kids. Yet now she is “accidentally” pregnant, which given that they never used contraception, is surprising that it didn't happen earlier. He was not happy when she announced his pregnancy but then said that if it’s what she wants then he’ll go along with it.

However he has told her he won’t be doing any childcare, despite being unemployed (he isn't a cocklodger as he is independently wealthy), won’t be changing any nappies and will not let her mother visit to help her out either as their flat is only small. And if she wants to have friends over then she has to wait til he’s out of the house which, as he’s not working, is not very often. Its only recently that she’s been allowed to cook in the house too as he doesn't like kitchen smells or sounds and always used to get takeaway!

My friend is convinced that once he sees the baby it will all change and he’ll fall in love with his child and want to do everything for it. I really hope for her sake that she is right. Has anyone experienced this sort of transformation in a partner?

OP posts:
switchitoff · 11/05/2015 14:29

Of course it's not impossible he will change his mind once the DC is here, but I doubt it. In fact, I expect his selfish behaviour will only get worse.

I know someone who was happy to have a first DC with his DW, but then said he didn't want any more. In the end the compromise was that she would have two more children but that he wouldn't be involved with bringing them up at all. Of course we all laughed thinking he would change his mind once they arrived.

Nope. He has pretty much ignored them. They are now teenagers.

...As for your friend, I would encourage her to stay close to her friends and family. I think she's going to need them.

NerrSnerr · 11/05/2015 14:31

He sounds like a twat, but she shouldn't have got pregnant to this twat- poor child. I have an image of a 5 year old sitting quietly in their bedroom after school until mum comes home as dad does not want to see or hear them. If she gave a shit about her baby she'd leave him.

rumbleinthrjungle · 11/05/2015 14:32

No, he's most likely not going to become a happy, devoted father. He may come to love the child but he will still be the person he is. The best she can realistically hope for is that he tolerates her having the child in his living space. I've seen this happen a couple of times in RL, one with a couple where he had ASD and didn't want a child, but neither of them felt ok about abortion when she accidentally became pregnant due to contraceptive failure. There was a lot of guilt in the house, a lot of guilt around the child even years later particularly from the father, who just was not a man with paternal instinct and who knew he had a child he didn't really want. From what I've seen, she will spend her time trying to keep the child quiet, mess and smell free and away from him, to keep the house looking as much as possible like no child lives there, and to segregate time for him where he can have his adult child-free relationship with her, in order for her to be able to keep him happy enough to stay in the relationship and for her to have both him and the child.

She needs to think realistically about what the experience of having this man for a parent is going to be like for a child.

Original poster
Sansarya · 11/05/2015 14:38

She is European (they both are) so her family are at least a plane ride away.

OP posts:
OTheHugeManatee · 11/05/2015 14:45

He sounds like a massive twat and frankly she sounds no better. I think you are going to be doing a lot of tongue biting in the near future, OP.

Bodyinpyjamas10 · 11/05/2015 14:50

She's totally and utterly selfish to have got deliberately pregnant with a child he clearly doesn't want and he sounds like a controlling cruel psycho.

That poor child. He won't change and let's hope she does.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 11/05/2015 14:54

Disaster waiting to happen.

WhoNickedMyName · 11/05/2015 14:58

What a pair of gobshites.

My sympathy lies entirely with the poor child being brought into this scenario with these two for parents.

Miggsie · 11/05/2015 14:59

He'll leave her after the baby is born

SuperFlyHigh · 11/05/2015 15:05

He will end up controlling her and any aspect of money if he's anything like the ex/current SO of a friend of mine.

He ended up cutting my friend off with nothing more than £50 a month when she was paying £800 per month on private nursery (as she had to work), he then got another woman pregnant yet sneaked to have sex with my friend behind his new GF's back. They're now back together (not engaged as before though). He's called her a gold digger (which she is) and things are better now their DD is at school but she works a few days a week and he supports her otherwise.

I told her she should get married first as then at least she'd get financial order. Same advice to your friend. The wealthier ones are also the most stingy in my experience. What a foolish woman your friend is.

GlitzAndGigglesx · 11/05/2015 15:10

The poor baby growing up in a loveless home

dragonfly007 · 11/05/2015 15:18

Yes my husband changed his mind about children as a result of pregnancy, but he is a nice man. This man is unlikely to change and she do well to get rid :-(

Goldmandra · 11/05/2015 15:27

He is likely to be very jealous of this baby and expect her to demonstrate that he matters more to her by neglecting the child in favour of looking after him.

I would be very concerned about bringing a baby into this abusive environment. Be prepared to call SS if necessary.

ItsADinosaur · 11/05/2015 15:35

He'll leave her after the baby is born

Let's hope so, I'm afraid. It would be best for her and the baby.

Downtheroadfirstonleft · 11/05/2015 15:44

Sounds like they deserve each other.

Sadly, their baby deserves neither.

IndridCold · 11/05/2015 15:48

Your friend is totally deluded. What a terrible shame she has chosen such a horrible man to father her child.

ollieplimsoles · 11/05/2015 15:52

Nasty situation to bring a child into, irresponsible of both of them. Why do some people think that having a baby is the right thing to do because they just 'want' it..its not buying a car or a new handbag, its a whole other life you might fuck up.

Sadly men with controlling tendencies like this guy, often become worse when the baby arrives (or even when the partner is pregnant). I agree with PPs who say he will be resentful of the child he didn't want. Also that she will go out of her way to struggle to make the arrangement bearable for him.

She should LTB...

Grapejuicerocks · 11/05/2015 15:52

Oh dear. It does sound as if they are as bad as each other. Poor baby.

melimelo18 · 11/05/2015 16:19

I once was this child and I can only feel absolutely terrible for this poor child who's mom hasn't even paused for a second to think about him and the negative impact her toxic relationship with this man will have on this child.

My mother was with the same type of guy, and things only got worse when she got pregnant. He made sure she was isolated from her family (like for this baby, my grandparents weren't allowed in the flat) and started becoming violent towards her (verbally, emotionally and physically). He didn't ''fall in love'' with me when he first saw me, instead he actually found me a real pain and nuisance as I bothered him with my cries and he made sure to tell my mom that she had to '' shut me up'' quickly or he would make sure I couldn't cry again. ( And I know for a fact that he would have.)

She was financially dependent on him and under threats anyway so couldn't leave and she ended up pregnant again. She eventually left but needless to say that it wasn't without marking us for life and even nowadays I still have a hard time coming to terms with my mother's poor choice of a father for myself and my brother.

I am only sharing my story so maybe you can prevent this from happening to your friend and her child. Don't let her cut ties with you or the people that care for her. Make sure to share your concerns with her even though she may not listen/care/ want to face the truth and do not hesitate to call social services if needed. My mother and I almost lost our lives in there and I sometime wish someone had done that for us as I probably would have had less contact with my father and therefore less aftermaths effect.

Your friend is absolutely delusional and that's why she needs a friend that will stick to her side as reality is going to hit her hard very soon and she'll need all the support she can get.

Hopefully that helped !

Aeroflotgirl · 11/05/2015 16:50

Yes if I were your friend, I woukd think about a future without him in it. He is abusive and controlling.

specialsubject · 11/05/2015 17:02

they do indeed deserve each other; shame on your friend for sticking with this arse for 10 years - has she no self-respect? And then to reproduce with him?

my sympathy is with the child. Bring on social services, I'm afraid.

BuzzardBird · 11/05/2015 17:09

Another poor child born in ridiculously bad circumstances.

Andrewofgg · 11/05/2015 17:42

They deserve each other but the unfortunate child deserves better than either of them. What a bloody mess.

MrsToddsShortcut · 11/05/2015 18:22

Good grief!

I agree that your friend was foolish to try and have a child with this hideous man, (and if they don't use contraception, we don't know if she was 'deceiving' him) but honestly, I am genuinely shocked at the amount of vitriol being levelled at someone who is, basically, an abused woman in an abusive relationship.

I am horrified at the thought that so many people on this thread think that she is 'as bad' as him. Of course she's not!

After 10 years she will have been run down by him and her self esteem, if she has any, must be somewhere near the floor. I very much doubt she accepts that she is in an abusive relationship - it can take something really awful to happen before many women come to that realisation.

Of course the baby will need to be protected as it is a hugely vulnerable innocent in all of this, and of course she will need advice and help to get away from him and yes, maybe SS will need to be involved. But honestly, people, can we quit with the victim blaming?

ahbollocks · 11/05/2015 18:24

No not in my experience, happened to a couple of friends of mine who continued to be flabbergasted by it :(

Swipe left for the next trending thread