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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask not to split it?

63 replies

miffy22 · 10/05/2015 21:33

DH & I went out for dinner with a big group of friends...everyone drinking alcohol - and lots of it - apart from me as I was driving & just drank tap water all evening. When the bill came everyone was asked to pay the same - AIBU that I asked not to pay that much as I hadn't had anything to drink and they'd had a lot?!

OP posts:
PurpleSwift · 10/05/2015 21:36

No YANBU. It's rude to assume you'd split it.

FryOneFatManic · 10/05/2015 21:37

No, you weren't unreasonable. Why should you be subsidising other people's drinking habits?

The groups of people I go out with have no problems with paying your own share and a tip, as we have a wide range of incomes between us and would feel uncomfortable with a straight split that left some people paying more than their fair share.

But this is an issue that does split people.

fiveacres · 10/05/2015 21:38

YANBU

I generally think that to avoid potential embarrassment in situations like this it's better to cheerily state your intentions at the start - just a breezy 'if no one minds, I'll pay mine separately as I won't be drinking.' I don't drink and if I'm out with heavy boozers I would do this, but as I tend to end up driving I usually get paid for anyway - happy days :)

formerbabe · 10/05/2015 21:42

Op...I often drive so don't drink...I was at a meal once where every time a waiter walked past the table another bottle of wine was ordered...I had drunk one soft drink all evening. Bill was split evenly...I was fuming. I now refuse to subsidise other peoples booze. Just say at the beginning 'can you keep me out of the drinks tab...I'm on soft drinks tonight'.

WorraLiberty · 10/05/2015 21:43

YANBU if you didn't want to pay for their alcohol, that's totally your right.

For me personally though I wouldn't have minded paying.

I don't eat dessert or cheese and biscuits, but I've never asked to pay less when the bill gets split.

However, that's my choice too.

WorraLiberty · 10/05/2015 21:44

Just say at the beginning 'can you keep me out of the drinks tab...I'm on soft drinks tonight'.

I Think that's a fantastic idea.

CrapBag · 10/05/2015 21:57

Yanbu. I hate this and would much rather pay for what I had.

We all went out recently. 2 people had 3 bottles of wine between them, 3 of us had 2 bottles between us but I only had 2 small glasses and a couple of others had some other drinks which were spirits. When the bill came I was ready to work it out when the outspoken one of the group said we should all split it evenly. We did but I way overpaid. The 2 who had 3 bottles between them even protested and said they owed more but outspoken one insisted. I spoke to one on her own later on and she would have preferred to pay her own as a few of us would have but we ended up going along with the outspoken one. Next time I feel I will have to speak up as I do have a drink or two but no where near the amount that other people do yet I always seem to end up sharing bottles but drinking much less.

CrapBag · 10/05/2015 21:58

Out of interest, what was their response?

TiredButFine · 10/05/2015 22:10

I'm veggie, my food is always cheaper but I just pay an equal share. To compensate for this I try to drink quite heavily so I don't get screwed on the booze too.

ramanoop · 10/05/2015 22:11

People who try to tally up how much their meals cost and try to perform some complex calculation are the worst kind of people of all. Second only to the people who unilaterally decide that due to the fact they didn't drink/ordered a cheaper meal, they will throw less cash into the centre of the table, without telling anyone, causing embarrassment for everyone else who has actually split the bill properly.

If you go out for a meal in a big group, split the bill; calculating who owes what just causes great awkwardness for all. Split the bill. It doesn't matter if you didn't drink, if you didn't order lobster or if you didn't like your food. If you just want to pay for yourself, eat by yourself.

And I say this as someone who drinks and eats meat very rarely indeed.

formerbabe · 10/05/2015 22:11

Everyone seems fine when I say I will just pay for my food....I don't care anyway anymore. If I don't say something, then a little part of me dies inside every time another bottle of wine is ordered!

I do remember once when me and my dh arrived for the evening part of an all day social event. Ten of our friends had been drinking for 4 hours prior to us arriving. We were cheerfully asked if we wanted to join their tab....hell no!

formerbabe · 10/05/2015 22:13

Split the bill. It doesn't matter if you didn't drink

It really does matter especially when upwards of ten bottles of wine have been ordered and I've had a single orange juice.

ramanoop · 10/05/2015 22:15

Formerbabe, fine. No one will object, of course, but don't expect to be invited back. It doesn't sound like your crowd anyway, so probably no big deal.

ramanoop · 10/05/2015 22:16

And of course people will be too polite to say anything, but they will all resent you as an awkward silence descends on a previously fun meal, while you try to rebase the bill on your mobile phone.

WhatWouldBlairWaldorfDo · 10/05/2015 22:16

I always end up driving so i just say 'im on coke tonight so i'll just sort myself ok?'

Tbh most of the time people buy my drinks in exchange for a lift anyway so its not a problem really.

GayByrne · 10/05/2015 22:16

So grow a pair and say when it's mentioned that everyone will split "erm, I dont fucking think so lads...I'll pay for what I had, ie food and no alcohol, and the rest of you can split your boozy bill".

I would split, because I can. If I couldn't or it ground my gears, then I'd speak up. Or else be walked over.

CurbsideProphet · 10/05/2015 22:19

YANBU. My friends and I always work out what we each owe for our meals. No one ever suggests splitting the bill!

WhatWouldBlairWaldorfDo · 10/05/2015 22:20

God ramanoop what kind of people do you hang around with??

Dont know about you but i go out with people i know and like, we would never judge each other like that! Id rather a skint friend came out with a tenner for a pasta dish and coke, than not come at all because they are scared of splitting a bill 'equally' , when its not very equal at all actually!

BlinkAndMiss · 10/05/2015 22:21

I refuse to split bills and always say so at the start of the meal. I'm sick of having one course and no alcohol and then paying a bill which is much, much higher than the amount I had. It's rude and unfair of other people to expect you to be in on splitting the bill if you've had much less.

The best way to do it is to laugh as if they are joking when it's suggested, then say something along the lines of "well take off my total amount and split the rest between you". If your friends are decent it won't take more than that.

milkysmum · 10/05/2015 22:21

I'm a veggie who rarely drinks when out as usually driving. I absolutely would not be splitting the bill and would pay for what I had and throw a few quid in for a tip.

LaLyra · 10/05/2015 22:21

YNBU. I think splitting is fair enough if you go out with people regularly and things even out. With my best friend I split because we see each other for lunch regularly and it's only ever a few quid of a difference here and there. When we go out with DH's friend and his wife, maybe three or four times a year, I always say at the start that we'll each pay our own.

His wife was a bit snooty about it the first time, but imo people who eat three courses of the most expensive dishes and wash it down with four bottles of expensive wine between two have an absolute cheek imo to be uppity with someone who eats two courses and doesn't drink about bill splitting being the 'done' thing. You can be talking about an extra £40 or £50 a time. I don't have that kind of money to burn. If I did I'd be buying the fancier food or eating at a nicer restaurant!

ChasedByBees · 10/05/2015 22:23

Ramanoop: clearly a lot of people (for example most of the people on this thread) would be fine with someone who had consumed less paying less. So it's not true that they will 'all' resent someone doing this.

I'd be fine with it too.

CrapBag · 10/05/2015 22:28

ramanoop thankfully I think you are more in the minority. When my money is tight and I know I can afford to go out myself but not subsidise others who drink far more than me, I'm glad you aren't in my group. I know for a fact that others in my group would rather have paid for their own rather than split equally. No one wanted to say against the outspoken one who frequently likes to get her opinion across.

DoTheDuckFace · 10/05/2015 22:31

My friends all pay what we had. Sometime if we are skint we have to skip a course or pick something cheap. If we had to 'split the bill' it would put someone off coming.

Its easy to be blase about money when you have it.

LindyHemming · 10/05/2015 22:37

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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