To not want ILs to stay for a single extra night?

[IsThisAllThereIs]

DPIL are lovely. They are kind and help out. They are coming to visit next weekend and have asked to stay 4 nights instead of 3. I really don't want them to though.

I know I abu :( but....

I just find it hard having people around. DD is 16 weeks and although we have a cleaner and the house is not a disaster, it is not that tidy. The shower has mould all over it, the kitchen table has piles of papers. I try to sort these things when DD is napping, but recently she has bucked her routine and doesn't nap at reliable times, or will only nap on me.

I am trying to do bits n bats of stuff for work, to keep the house running on a daily basis, to keep DD stimulated by reading stories, trying to get her back into a routine, trying to lose pg weight by walking every day and cutting out sugar, and trying to do projects round the house like shelves for DD room etc.

Sometimes the days pass so quickly without me seeming to achieve anything. Then I feel like a crap mum. Sometimes they stretch out endlessly and I feel a huge sick sense of panic and failure. I am desperate for DH to come home then but he works long hoirs and has recently had back surgery so can't do much.

I did the Edinburgh test online and scored 15. It said to contact an HCP if it was more than 10 but there is no one I can talk to. I have a massive fear of someone thinking I am not coping and taking DD away.

PIL live 300 miles away but come regularly for 3 ish nights. In the last four weeks they have come for two long weekends. I find it so much harder when they are here. I feel on show all the time. They very much regard childcare as the mum's job and will talk about DH helping me out if he takes her for 20min while I eat my tea. Last time they came I pretended I needed a nap and went upstairs with DD and cried for an hour. Then I couldn't come down as my face was all blotchy.

I know I'm lucky to have a gorgeous healthy baby and GP who care about her and want to be involved. But DH and I agreed a limit of three nights for guests and I just can't cope with four :(

Go ahead and flame :(

Op I had equally "keen" pil who wanted to come a lot and stay in our house.
I used to be just like you and four years later I can see how much their long visits contributed to my pnd.
In the end I had to be very frank with DH and he put his foot down.
Not comfortable at first but it needed to be done. Now they are much less pushy and able to take our lead.
One thing that helped us was taking control of visits and us inviting them.
Changes the dynamic and gives you back the control.

Are personal lists even still a thing??
Not here, they are not (but I'm in Scotland).

You have every right to see a GP OF YOUR CHOICE - sorry, not shouting, just capitalising for emphasis.
Don't wait until a new dr starts, even if you then change to her 'list'.

It's almost impossible to see 'your' dr here, they just give you whoever is around on the day, usually a locum.

DH isn't doing things right - if you ebf he should really step up.

He can clean the shower without bending, on his knees (like I do), if his back is his excuse. And that is what you do if you have guests coming - you(he) cleans round, stocks up on food etc etc because obviously with a new baby you are otherwise engaged. If you are all too busy and harassed then the answer is to not have people to visit.

I am furious that he is letting you feel so overwhelmed and letting your ILs come so often. One visit in 16 wks is normal, two is generous - 5 is ridiculous imo.

Could you attend a GPs in a neighbouring village? It might be more comfortable for you.

fatmomma I think this is probably one of the few threads I have ever read where all the posters unanimously support the OP. I hope that tells you something about being entirely justified in how you are feeling.

Please call your GP practice this morning. I wouldn't even bother trying to book through the receptionist. Just say "hello there, I'm awfully sorry but xx your practice manager is also my neighbour and there's something urgent I need to talk to her about". Then when you are put through "x I'm so sorry to have barged through to you but I've had a few difficult conversations with reception where they have insisted I see Dr Man, I really really need to see a lady doctor and quite urgently because I am feeling unwell. Please could you arrange for me to have that appointment - I'd be awfully grateful". You'll have the appointment without any explanation at all I think.

Please remember that becoming a mummy is hard and it sounds like you are doing more than fine but you need to be empowered to enjoy it too.

Please remember that guests are like fish - after three days they begin to stink (because they have outstayed their welcome).

Please remember that your baby can't be taken away from you with a court order and insisting of BF isn't a safeguarding issue and isn't a reason for one to be issued. and your hv is a cow

Please, please, please change your user name to something like supermummy or beautifulspirit or thewonderfuldil. You sound like a lovely person and there is no need whatsoever to put yourself down.

without a court order

Op, I think it sounds like you may have the beginnings of pnd. Please please put yourself first now. You are no good to anyone if you're not looking after yourself.

After the up coming visit of your pils you need to speak frankly to your dh and explain how much stress their visits are putting on you. You love them etc but right now they do need to back off. It's his job to work out the best way to put that to them, don't give it another thought.

It seems you realise you need to see a female gp so that's good. I would be thinking about making a complaint about the male gp too, personally. In this day and age when you'd think the taboos around pnd were falling away, it's a disgrace for you to get that reaction. When I realised I'd had pnd (fur the second time) I called the surgery to be told there were no appointments for several weeks. The minute I mentioned the word pnd, I was booked in that afternoon. Admittedly the gp they gave me was useless and obviously mortified at having a post partum woman sobbing in his office but my attitude is fuck them. I'm entitled to care. When I made my follow up appointment and they offered me the same doctor I said oh no thanks, I don't want to see him ever again. Very nicely but firmly. Your situation sounds awkward but you have to rise above that because getting help asap is key. If you don't it will spiral, in my experience.

And btw, you're doing an amazing job with your baby. Now, look after yourself.

Agree with everything said. Sounds like PND. Medication changes everything. I have has it twice - I was like you with dc1 and in the end had to tell DH to cancel anything that involved seeing other people. I got pills at 3 months. With dc2 I got pills very early on as I recognised to signs and it's been a much happier experience. You don't need a routine and you don't have to tidy up - all you need to do is to curl up next to dc and feed and sleep. Bug hug sweet - you are amazing. Do make sure you follow advice re seeing a doctor. Xxx

My named GP is not very good and my suspicion is that the receptionists try to fill up appointments with him because a lot of people ask for other GPs: he's always the first appointment you get offered. So I would guess that's what your practice is doing. However, at mine if you ask for someone else you can have someone else: the system couldn't possibly work if you can only see your GP, because what if they go on holiday for two weeks and you need an urgent appointment? As everyone has said, insist on this and ask to speak to the manager otherwise - Myfirstname's script is great, use that!

Your DH also needs to step up. Childcare is not just the mother's job, and even after back surgery he can sit and hold the baby for you. I have had back trouble and found pushing a pram or buggy was actually more comfortable and supportive than walking without one as you had something to take your weight, so it would be good for him and you to take baby out for some long walks. While he does that, do NOT put up shelves! Sit and read a book or do something else you want to do just for yourself.

OP you have my full support ya so nbu.

I've a similar aged baby (actually my dc2) to you and feel so very similar about housework and 'the state of the place' - feel like I work ridiculously hard every day only for there to be 'nothing to show for it' at the end. Weekends get really fraught because I put loads of pressure on myself and dh to get jobs done while he's around. If anyone other than dh tries to help it feels like people will judge me. Reading this thread has really, really helped remind me to try and let go and enjoy the baby and not get into a state myself.

BUT the comments made by your GP left me open mouthed in astonishment! Tbh he shouldn't be practising if he is so out of date with knowledge of pnd ('soldier on'? Fuck off!) and telling you to get back to normal weight by walking lots and doing abdominal exercises. Who the hell does he think he is?!!

Please, please, call your GP practice and get bolshy, tell them you are seeing the female GP and quote the nhs stuff pps have mentioned upthread. Threaten to make a complaint if necessary. If the female doctors are busy just say you'll wait till their next free appointment. I've come across these types of doctor before and the reception staff know there are issues but still try to make people see them. Arghh.

And you have my sympathies re your stupid HV (I'd complain if I were you about her 'safeguarding' comments). My own HV is a brilliant and amazing woman, but the night midwife on duty when I was in hospital with ds2 was a dickhead. She tried to bully me into giving him formula because she said my attempts to breastfeed him were making him unsettled and jittery and disturbing the other mums and babies on the ward (ironically there was only one other mum on the ward and she and her baby were being woken up ever hour to be bullied into trying to breastfeed by the breastfeeding 'support' team!). Ds2 was about four hours old at this point and based on my experience of breastfeeding my eldest it seemed normal to me that he was wanting to be on the breast all the time and not 'settling', ie falling asleep on his own in the goldfish bowl next to my bed. When I said (very politely) that he seemed to be doing fine to me, she (quite spitefully IMO) wrote in my notes that 'baby was +++distressed' which was horrible when my own memory of that night was that it was a lovely cosy happy time which ds learning to breastfeed and me having lots of cuddles with him. (And him crying momentarily when I went to change my pad/strip off the blood soaked sheets which the night midwife didn't want to help me with...). Grrr.

Many, many hugs to you OP and let's promise each other we'll be kind to ourselves!

Just agree that the dr is lovely but that is not the point. You will feel more comfortable discussing some issues with a lady doctor. Repeat

That "named doctor" sounds dangerously incompetent.

Similarly, your HV has scared and alienated you.

You need competent, sensitive advice, not for all the problems to be put back on you, from domestic chores to your own body.

The only thing on that domestic list I would want tackled, by you or DH - doens't matter by whom - is the mould. Otherwise, you need to calm down, free up some time to rest and reflect, and things will get better immediately, because you won't be suffering from the physical effects of stress.

Thank you all again!

Yes monkeymamma everything in your post resonated. I am feeling much better this morning after posting this. DD went down for 90min in her cot which gave me some space to get things done, BUT I'd promised myself that if she didn't settle, it would be okay, I'd just cuddle her and forget about housework.

I am going down to the practice today for our afternoon walk and I'm going to ask about transferring to a new GP. Me and DD. As I'm not confident in that male Dr.

Yes, I think he is retiring soon and I have the I pression the practice would just like to keep everything ticking over until he goes. He is a senior partner so I guess it would be difficult for them to really do anything, but like I say, my nice MW was unsurprised that I had had trouble with him and said something him having a problem with pg women and new mums.

The HV is vey nice and smiley but super keen on CP stuff. She talks a lot about safeguarding and kept using that word when DD wasn't putting weight on very fast. So I said, was this really a SG issue? - incredulously..... And she said well not yet but if a child is not thriving we need to see that parents are taking medical advice and she thought the Dr advice would be to go on formula so she suggested I did that. When she put it like,that I felt I had to. So I topped DD up every day even though she hated the formula and the HV came by once a week to weight her, she's only just stopped doing that a week or two since. I felt under ,asses of pressure to get her weight up. After a bit I just dropped the FF but didn't tell her and we are back to EBF but she doesn't know... But DD putting on weight okay now so I think its all fine.

oh you poor thing, i cant believe you are having house guests with a new born! do they do anything to help? housework etc?

seriously - take care of you and DD the rest can go hang - throw the paperwork in a box and leave it

I did a mix of FF and BF and my DC are fine - do what you feel is right, your instincts will guide you - listen to them xx

Are there no B&B's near you? Why does everyone need to stay at your house?

I'd be making a formal complaint about the HV too. They are absolutely not allowed to push formula. My DD was 91st centile born and had dropped below the 25th by 12 weeks. I exclusively expressed. She didn't go above the 25th until 24 weeks then climbed over the next 6 months to between 50th and 75th. She's bounced around between 50th and 75th ever since, and is a perfectly healthy 4.5 year old. HV was always incredibly supportive.

The charts are skewed by FF babies anyway.

I know I'm a bit late to the party but I just wanted to offer my support. At 16 weeks it's no wonder there is no routine and that you're still tired and struggling around the house. My DS is 18 months, I'm 4 months pregnant and currently lying on the bed in my pants because my trousers are getting too tight. The house is a tip but I need to take care of myself before I do a bit of dusting!
Be kind to yourself, if DH has to do some housework then so be it. It's not the end of the world of he need to cook when he comes in or if he has to put the laundry on. A baby will keep you stupidly busy and BF can be exhausting!
I'm glad your PIL aren't coming for as long. My PIL were a little over zealous once my DS was born so I hatched a plan and every time they visited I told them when we could next see them. It was always a minimum of 3-4 weeks from the current trip. If the timing was queried I said we had other visitors and needed our own family time too so that was when we were free. Bonding as a new family unit is important and that's hard with visitors all the time.
You are doing he right thing with regards your GP and seeing a new one. I saw you mentioned stitches. Could you ask to see a nurse? They are usually quite understanding and if they need to get a GP you can them request they fetch a female. Also, there is no harm in telling your neighbour that you don't feel comfortable talking BF and vaginas with your male doctor. As the practice manager, and a woman, this shouldn't come as a shock to her!
Good luck

To be honest my solution to unhelpful HV advice was to stop seeing the HV! She came twice in the first 2 weeks then I didn't see her again until DD's 1 year check. I could see she was healthy and thriving. I understand that isn't for everyone and sometimes you need reassurance re feeding etc, but I sometimes think all the weighing does more harm than good.

It's cr@p having people to stay when you have a baby. They get in the way and make you'll crappy for napping etc. YANBU

But, speaking as a someone who works and volunteers in mental health, you do urgently need to see someone about your Edinburgh test result. No-one will take your baby away, you are not the only one who has been, is or will be in this position. You can not sit on this, it's important for your health and your baby.

Please call your doctor.

You have a right to see whichever GP you prefer, unless they have a very good reason why you can't
www.nhs.uk/choiceintheNHS/Rightsandpledges/NHSConstitution/Pages/Yourrightstochoice.aspx

TBH I wouldn't worry about the battle of changing your listed GP at the moment - it doesn't matter who your nominated GP is - that is just for the records/correspondence etc etc - Get that changed at a later date. You can (regardless of your listed GP) see any Dr in the GP practice - so that is the most important thing at the moment - get an appointment with someone you can talk to and trust.

Glad you are feeling a bit better. And YY to B&Bs.