To not want ILs to stay for a single extra night?

[IsThisAllThereIs]

DPIL are lovely. They are kind and help out. They are coming to visit next weekend and have asked to stay 4 nights instead of 3. I really don't want them to though.

I know I abu :( but....

I just find it hard having people around. DD is 16 weeks and although we have a cleaner and the house is not a disaster, it is not that tidy. The shower has mould all over it, the kitchen table has piles of papers. I try to sort these things when DD is napping, but recently she has bucked her routine and doesn't nap at reliable times, or will only nap on me.

I am trying to do bits n bats of stuff for work, to keep the house running on a daily basis, to keep DD stimulated by reading stories, trying to get her back into a routine, trying to lose pg weight by walking every day and cutting out sugar, and trying to do projects round the house like shelves for DD room etc.

Sometimes the days pass so quickly without me seeming to achieve anything. Then I feel like a crap mum. Sometimes they stretch out endlessly and I feel a huge sick sense of panic and failure. I am desperate for DH to come home then but he works long hoirs and has recently had back surgery so can't do much.

I did the Edinburgh test online and scored 15. It said to contact an HCP if it was more than 10 but there is no one I can talk to. I have a massive fear of someone thinking I am not coping and taking DD away.

PIL live 300 miles away but come regularly for 3 ish nights. In the last four weeks they have come for two long weekends. I find it so much harder when they are here. I feel on show all the time. They very much regard childcare as the mum's job and will talk about DH helping me out if he takes her for 20min while I eat my tea. Last time they came I pretended I needed a nap and went upstairs with DD and cried for an hour. Then I couldn't come down as my face was all blotchy.

I know I'm lucky to have a gorgeous healthy baby and GP who care about her and want to be involved. But DH and I agreed a limit of three nights for guests and I just can't cope with four :(

Go ahead and flame :(

You don't have to disclose history of abuse to the practice manager, many women prefer to see a female GP. If you don't get anywhere try quoting this to her:

www.nhs.uk/choiceintheNHS/Rightsandpledges/NHSConstitution/Pages/Yourrightstochoice.aspx

And when it says 'there may be good reasons why you can't see your preferred GP' those reasons do not include 'continuity of care'. It is not acceptable for the surgery to deny you care with a doctor you feel comfortable with.

I am trying to do bits n bats of stuff for work, to keep the house running on a daily basis, to keep DD stimulated by reading stories, trying to get her back into a routine, trying to lose pg weight by walking every day and cutting out sugar, and trying to do projects round the house like shelves for DD room etc.

Bloody hell, I don't expect that of myself and my kids are way older!! Give yourself a break, enjoy your time with your baby. None of that shit matters as much as cuddles & snuggles!

To say the v least, your GP and you are not a good match just now, are you??
Re doing abdo exercises 'religiously': please do not do sit-ups! No sit-ups ever again - that's good advice to the vast majority of women who've been pregnant.

If you google "Mutu system" (a London based physiotherapist who offers advice, courses, DVDs for women - I think her program is sound, but I am not endorsing her, or anything) you can find some free safe exercises to strengthen your core and pelvic floor after having been pregnant and delivered a baby.
You said your labour was fast and at home and you are only 16 weeks post-natal - go very slowly on the 'abdominal exercises'.

Pushing a pram uphill, while holding your pelvic floor up and your belly button sucked to your spine (AND remembering to breathe! ), is a very effective way to improve your core.

My DD is 16 too... Years not months!
And I am in constant chaos and nothing moves on (major rebuild) But you know wha,t as everyone says let go, your DD will be little for such a short time. Enjoy it and definitely change GP's even if you have to travel. Next door neighbour as practice manager is not ideal.

Grab the practice manager and say you aren't comfortable talking babies and vaginas with a male doctor, that the receptionist is refusing to allow you to see anyone else, and that you are at the point you avoid care for yourself because you are uncomfortable.

It is not the bloody receptionists's decision to completely ignore NHS policy, nor to decide what is and is not in a patient's best interests. Who the hell does she think she is?

He is happy to talk to them but keeps saying "it's sad I feel that way as they just want to spend time with their DGD and help you out" and I know in my head he us right but sometimes I just need SPACE.

Nobody sane would want a family friend of a different generation to stay for 3 long weekends in less than 6 weeks while dealing with a very young baby, let alone with PND. His parents are not your parents. They did not raise you. Their primary loyalties are with him and their grandchild. Of course IL's are important and fostering good ties is essential, and it's great that they are lovely. But for him to act as though they're also your parents so why... when he isn't the primary carer of your DD and they are the type to see the home as your province and domain and none of his is just wilfully blind. He needs to stand up to them and say, with the best will and all the love in the world, that they can't expect to visit for 3 or 4 nights every other week. Once every couple of months is saner! As has been mentioned, if they are close enough to visit that often, then they're close enough for day trips. Your DH needs to appreciate how soul destroying PND can be, too. It's not just feeling a bit down, is it. It's overwhelming.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with all this. And I am so very sorry you were raped. You have every right to sensitive and appropriate care for yourself in every way, but particularly in terms of sexual and reproductive health as a survivor of such a traumatic experience.

I am sending you a big hug.

I felt similar to you when DD was about 16 weeks old. I was trying to "do" stuff. To "cope". To get DD on a routine. To control my anxiety by having a tidy house, washing done, "stuff" achieved. I had been doing this for weeks. I continued for several weeks more.

Eventually I saw my (wonderful) HV and GP and got antidepressants (speak to the LLL if in doubt - they told me about the AD/BF mix which is fine - there are ADs which are perfectly safe for BF). I began to feel better almost immediately.

I do not look back at my memories of a tidy house and washing done thinking Whooo hooo - didn't I do well. I just slightly sadly wish I had stuffed the chores and cuddled my baby more.

Cuddle your baby. Fuck the jobs. Phone the Drs and ask to see a female doctor.

And another hug. You are doing brilliantly.

Listen to everyone's love my dd is 16 years old and I don't get half the things done that you seem to.

Ffs bugger the DIY etc, only do what is absolutely necessary for basic cleanliness and leave the rest.

You are expecting far too much of yourself

The HV sounds unhinged in her 'safeguarding' comments. Report those to her senior manager.

Go to your GP and 'demand' to see. Female doctor. It's Your right. Me and my teen dds always see the 'lady doctor' of course you don't want to be discussing personal stuff with a middle aged man unless he's. Fantastic doctor.

I know it's hard but you may need to demand to see the practise manager. Don't take crap from the receptionist. None of her business. You are the customer.

Re your inlaws of course you wouldn't want them stopping so much. Hey your dh to sort them out.

You are a great mom. It's bloody bloody hard work with dcs this age. Honestly almost everyone feels like you are now at some point, even if they don't admit it.

Keep posting for support and honestly it gets easier. I swear. Xxx. Unmumsnetty kiss and hug.

This sounds really awful on the in laws and I don't mean it to be, but do you get on with your parents? Could you 'throw a sicky' and go and stay with them on your next hosting weekend to be looked after, you deserve a bit of coddling I think, you are doing so much and being ever so hard on yourself.
The GP situation is ridiculous, you don't need to go into detail with the practice manager/neighbour just be firm you need a female doctor.

Tell your DH its sad that you don't feel he's looking out for your best interests. You and your baby are the priority not his parents (or your parents for that matter).

As others have said, you don't need to give a reason, you can request a female GP for intimate examinations. Book a double appointment get stitches checked, and have a chat about how you are feeling.

Phone the practice manager in the morning and tell her you wish to change your named gp because after giving birth you feel more comfortable with a female. Its totally normal (even without your history).

Where are you based, is there a breast feeding support group, they may be able to help you access some support.

Your GP sounds awful! Re the weight loss, I put on more weight after giving birth when EBF. I was constantly so exhausted and hungry from BF-ing that I needed the calories to keep me going. Not everyone loses weight when bf-ing. I started to lose it when DD was around 8 months, sleeping slightly better and feeding less. Please don't beat yourself up about that, or allow yourself to be pressured to lose weight quickly. The most important thing is keeping you and your baby healthy.

Oh gawd, yes, I just had a flash-back: I lost weight quite easily once I stopped BFing at around 1 year - I found it much easier to eat sensibly and move more once I was not starving hungry all the time and I no longer had enormous BFing boobs - totally true, not everybody loses weight when BFing.

I agree with everything that has been said above, especially insisting that you see a female doctor.

I am flabbergasted at your GP's response to your weight. It is really common to gain weight after pregnancy. I was reading a thread on MN about it recently. I have gained weight since pregnancy. Like you my weight gain during pregnancy was not that much as I was sick like you. So since I gave birth I have got my appetite back! Plus bf and lack of sleep make me hungry. Please don't worry about your weight right now. I have bought some elasticated trousers! I am also flabbergasted about your GP's unprofessional response to mental health concerns.

Your GP is talking bollocks btw. Do not do religious abdo exercises unless you know your abdominal muscles have knitted back together. You need extra calories when breastfeeding too.

The receptionist is talking rubbish btw. You don't have to disclose everything to your neighbour, you have every right to see a female GP if that's what you request. Every right. And you need a chat with your DH.

Here is a script for you for the Drs receptionist if it helps. I have cut and pasted from the link to the NHS above. Clearly ignore if of no use - but sometimes if I was feeling particularly emotional or anxious about something I found a script really, really helped iyswim.

Recept: Good morning, appointments

Isthis: Hello I would like to book an appointment with Dr Lady please.

Recep: Who is your GP

IsThis: I am registered with Dr KindOldMan but I would like to book an appointment with Dr Lady please.

Recep: You can't. You need to see Dr KindOldMan.

IsThis: I would like to book an appointment with Dr Lady please. I can quote for you the NHS constitution "Everyone who is cared for by the NHS in England has formal rights to make choices about the service that they receive. These include the right to choose a GP surgery, to state which GP you'd like to see" I would like to now book an appointment with Dr Lady please.

Recep: You can't due to continuity of care.

IsThis: As I just quoted from the NHS constitution "Everyone who is cared for by the NHS in England has formal rights. These include the right to state which GP you'd like to see" I would like to now book an appointment with Dr Lady please.

Recep: No. You need to see your own GP/ What is it about? What is your medical condition? Blah blah.

IsThis: I do not have to discuss this with you. I have a right to state the GP I wish to see. Please could I speak to the practise manager. They will confirm this.

Just stay calm and repeat, repeat, repeat. And if the receptionist is arsey then yes, speak to the Practise Manager.

I dropped a full clothes size with no other changes in a few weeks when I stopped breastfeeding. For some people, our bodies hold onto the weight.

Please don't ever see that GP again. He's giving you information that's medically incorrect as well as hindering your participation in your care. He sounds awful and your HV sounds like a total numpty.

So sorry to hear your experiences with HV and GP. I am also sorry you feel under such pressure and so low. It is all really rotten and absolutely none of it is your fault in any way. People on here have said lots of sympathetic, kind things and I hope that you can really hear how people are amazed at all you are doing and care about your wellbeing. I know that if I feel low I find it hard to really believe when people tell me good things and that they care. I hope you can find a way to speak to the practice manager. You shouldn't need to go into details (patient confidentiality) and it seems wrong your practice can't ensure your care when you have a genuine health concern that your current GP has not addressed. Have you been able to talk to your dh about how you feel and what you think will help you (i.e. not having people to visit lots - even ILs)? It sounds like his support in limiting visits is really necessary.

Op could you give an indication of where you live? There must be some local mumsnetters near to you. For support.

Make yourself a 'to do' list.

1. See female gp

And that is it. Sod the diy, why are you even thinking about it? If anyone should be doing that, it's your DH.

Op i just cannot say this enough definately get a lady go as per advice above. I think this has to be the last visit from In laws for a loooong time.

Hope you are ok. I am actually annoyed for you and how much you have to cope with.

Did you know that the NHS Constitution says:

“You have the right to express a preference for using a particular doctor within your GP practice, and for the practice to try to comply.”

So unless they have a VERY good reason why you can't see the GP of your choice, they have to comply - and continuity of care isn't a good enough reason - especially if you ask for the new GP to be your named GP.

You DO NOT have to tell them the reason - you just tell them its for personal reasons and that you wish to exercise your rights as set out in the NHS constitution.

Hi all

Once again, thanks so much!

I have talked to DH and he has called his patents and said it doesn't work for us if they stay 4 nights. It is a massive relief tbh as my sister comes tomorrow for 3 nights and if they came for four it would be 7 straight nights of house guests, also sister does not have DC yet and is not always understanding about DD demands.

One thing that has jumped out from the comments is how important it is to. Change GP. I can see that now. Tbh from something my nice MW said I think lots of women have complained about him. I have the impression, the receptionist may have been instructed to make sure his appts are filled or something as they are quite bolshy aboit people seeing him, and it never used to be so strict. But that's not my problem.

The 2 woman GPs are pt and have no space on their lists as I already asked to swop but a new younger woman Dr is joining soon so I will ask to be on her list.

It seems like you are putting an awful lot of pressure on yourself. Please be kind to yourself.
Someone said to me when I had my first DC that as long as the loo is clean, and your work surfaces, everything else can wait! DD is nearly 3 and I'm still living by that rule some weeks!! Lol.
Please talk to someone, and like I say, be kind to yourself. Good luck.

Sorry. X posted.
Glad you talked to him and got the visit shortened!

"She just said, but Dr X is lovely and anyway I can't make an appt with anybody but your named Gp due to continuity of care."

He might be "lovely" in her opinion but she can't insist you agree with her. And I cannot believe (and other pps have verified this anyway) that "continuity of care" is even a 'thing,' as in my surgery we're damn lucky if we can get anywhere near our own, very popular and good, GP. We're always being diverted to other drs in the practice.

The minute I read your post I wanted to reply to it, but I've just spent 3/4 hour reading all the posts (bouncing up and down with impatience to get to the end so I could post), and I'm really glad I did read them all, because there is brilliant stuff here, which I wish I could have said first!

What I wanted to say to you IsThisAllThereIs after reading your post is: OMG, do you think you're fucking SUPER WOMAN????? You're trying to do EVERYTHING. With a 16 wk old!!!! I'm surprised you didn't also add "achieve world peace" to your list. Your list is incredible. Take your foot of the peddle, woman - you have a 16 week old - cut yourself some slack!

I agree with almost all the posts and almost all that has been previously said (esp about your GP), other than I want to send you hugs and love.

And love and hugs.

You sound so lovely.

What a lucky DD you have to have you as her mum.

NO ONE is taking her away from you (and I say that with some knowledge. Not major knowledge, but some with my day job. I am in comms with social services all the time, and nothing that you've posted would raise an eyelid, much less an investigation and about a million miles away from taking your child away from you. It has to be REALLY bad before they even consider doing that. Really. And unless you'd done something massive - like try to kill your DD, there would be meetings (and meetings and meetings) and specific goals set. Honestly, if you had to worry, you would know! The clues would be there!).

I do have one difference from everyone else though.

This is different to what almost everyone else has said, but I think your ILs sound really sweet and like they're just really excited about your DD and just want to see her (and you and DH) as much as possible, and don't want the distance to be a barrier. Is your DD their first grandchild?
I think the B+B idea (suggested above) is brilliant, and if they can afford it, I'm sure they'd be happy to go with that. I don't think they want to stand on your toes or judge you or notice your paperwork or mouldy shower. I just think they want to be around DD (DGD in their case).

From what you've posted they just come across and really, really happy and excited about your DD and wanting to be part of her life. Which is lovely. And if they're happy to drive loads to babysit, then don't put them off - you'll be ready for that one day and REALLY appreciate it!

All the best to you, and PLEASE don't set such high goals for yourself. Being a "good enough" parent is MORE than good enough. x